20. Chapter 20

I'm drowning again. Without Jinx around, I'm not gonna make it through the darkness. I knew she would lie and leave me again. This is why I don't trust people. I rev my car, pushing it to go faster. I need to get away. I don't care where I end up, anywhere, but RWA is better.

I know I shouldn't be taking it out on her, but I can't help it. She's been ignoring me for days, even with the huge concert coming up, and it's my one and only chance to prove myself. She can't even show up to practice for me. I was left alone in the hall while everyone else was having a great time with their partner, and I was left dying inside. Ace told me she had coffee with Spence instead of showing up for me. I'm replaceable.

I'm not even sure why I'm still here. Everyone is better off without me. It's why my parents left. They knew back then I was a shit person and would drag them down.

My phone rings for the third time, but I ignore it. I don't care who it is, and they only call when they need something. It's funny how that works, but when I need them, where are they? Too busy following Jinx around.

I pull into the parking lot of the nearest liquor store. It's time to buy my best friend, Jack. He never does me wrong. The cashier side-eyes me the entire time I'm in the store. Don't blame him; if he knew what I was planning, I would be watching me, too.

"Rough day?" He asks, bagging my bottle.

"Something like that." I hand him a twenty.

He hands me the bag, and he doesn't let go when I reach for it. "Remember, kid, the sun still shines even on your darkest days. You just have to figure out who that sun is."

Jinx flashes in my mind; she is my sun. But right now, it's too dark to see any brightness.

"Thanks." I rip the bag from his hand and head out. After this bottle, the only thing I'll see is the inside of a toilet or maybe a fuckin ditch if I'm lucky enough. I'm hoping for something permanent. I don't even wait to get in the car before cracking the bottle open.

I welcome the burn of the first taste. The last is my favorite, by then, I can't remember why I started drinking, but by then, it doesn't matter. The mind is a clouded mess, and that's the end goal. My phone rings again, and you would think they would get the message. Without looking at it, I toss it into the glove box.

The sun is setting, and I'm still breathing.

I roll the window down and throw the empty bottle out. That idea didn't work. All my pills are in my dorm. If I want those, I'll have to sneak back in. The odds that one of the twins isn't in my room will be slim. It'll be worth it. At this point, I don't even care.

Why can't I just succeed at one thing in my life? My phone stopped ringing hours ago, they gave up on me again. I'm not even good enough to keep trying to get a hold of. The school comes into view, and my heart sinks. I don't want to be here anymore. I should've stayed in Grovedale; that's where trash belongs. I park the car, and I'm surprised I don't have any babysitters waiting for me. I take the first step out, and the world tilts.

Maybe Jacky Boy did do his job after all.

Catching myself with the door, I chuckle to myself. It's a long walk to Darrow Hall if I even make it. And these woods give me the creeps, I swear something, or someone, is watching me. Maybe it's a wolf, and they can eat me. I'll be their Little Red Riding Hood. Fuck I must be wasted if I wanna turn into little red.

I need those pills and more booze. The closer I get to the dorms, the louder it becomes. Can't anyone stay in, this school doesn't have a fascinating nightlife. By the time I reach the back doors, I contemplate passing out on the steps. Walking up four flights seems like a lot of energy. Maybe I'll slip and break my neck.

With a groan, I slowly make my way to my room. I'm surprised my phone hasn't rung again. Speaking of my phone. I pat down my pockets but don't feel it, guess I left it in the car. Oh well. My head spins the more steps I take, and I can't even remember what floor I'm on.

"Maddox? What the fuck. We've been looking for you for hours," Ashton demeaned, staring at me from the top of the stairs.

I wave him off and stumble. "Leave me alone." I push past him, but his hand clamps down on my shoulder.

"Talk to me, goose. What's going on?"

"She fuckin' left me, Ashton. She straight up lied to me. How can I ever trust her again?" I take a deep breath, trying not to lose it on him. It's not his fault.

"Let me help you. I'm surprised you made it up those stairs. What the hell were you thinking?"

I spread my arms wide. "I was thinking about killing myself, but here we are." I brush him off and keep walking.

"Maddox!" he yells.

I flip him the middle finger. He'll follow me, anyway. Now that he knows what I tried doing, he won't leave me alone. It's how our relationship goes; I'm selfish, and he picks up after me. I hope one day he learns just to leave me alone.

"Maddox, wait. Don't go in there."

I opened my door and immediately regretted it. I'm not drunk enough for this.

"Don't even think about leaving, Maddox Van Doren. Get your drunk ass inside now." You couldn't miss the disappointment in Atticus's voice.

"What, Atticus? I have nothing to say. Let me pass out before you start lecturing me." I grit my teeth, and my head is beginning to pound. I can't deal with this shit.

I make it to my room, flick on the light, and curled up in my bed is Jinx. If this was supposed to be an intervention, it sucks. I kick my shoes off, not giving a shit where they land. When I get near the bed, I tug my T-shirt off and toss it behind me. I pull the covers away slowly and slip in next to Jinx. She rolls over and wraps her arm around my stomach, sliding closer to me.

"I missed you today. Sorry about ditching you. I needed to talk to Spence. Forgive me?" her voice drifted back to sleep.

As usual, I flew off the handle. I'm sure half the phone calls were from Jinx. The last thing I remember is the lights going dark and my mind going blank. Sleep found me before my demons did.

A light sensation down my chest causes me to stir awake. Without thinking, I pull Jinx flush against my chest. Her soft curves melt against me, and I breathe in her coconut scent. Having her here calms me, making yesterday seem like years ago. And making me realize I was a giant fuckin' douche.

Her fingers slowly weave into my hair. "Don't you ever feel like you have to run away from me again. Just because I needed space doesn't mean I wanted to leave you. Having three guys around all the time is suffocating. But if anything happened to you, Maddox," her words trail off, a tear lands on my bare chest.

I pull her closer. "I'm sorry, baby. I wasn't thinking, that's my problem. I never do."

"I should've worded it better. It's on me." She buries her face into my neck. "I'm sorry."

"I can't let you take the blame for my problems, Jinx. It's not your burden; I need to work on myself."

She sits halfway up, watching me. "But I'm here, and you don't need to do anything alone. Ashton and Atticus are here as well. Stop doing things alone."

I'll always be alone, even with them around. They don't understand that. I don't like to depend on others for help. Eventually, they'll leave me.

Her finger taps my forehead. "Get out of there. Those voices are harmful, and we don't listen to negative thoughts around here. Now we have a concert in two days, can we still practice together?"

"Seriously?" I shift into a seating position, taking her with me until she's straddling me. She traces random shapes on my skin, sending shivers down my body.

"My cello is in the living room, wanna show the guys what we've been working on?"

I never thought about getting in front of a crowd, let alone a large crowd, until now. What if I royally fuck up? Not only would I be ruining my future, but Jinx's as well. I can't do that to her. I was selfish for asking her to be my partner. All I saw was the end goal, getting out and never returning.

"Come on, we'll head down to Greywood and practice there. It's just what the doctor ordered."

She hops off, grabbing her pants. She opened my closet and dug through my hoodies until she found a black one.

"You know there are different colors in the world. Have you tried them yet?"

She chuckles, pulling the hoodie over her head. "I have when I was a child. Then I grew up and realized the world is a dark place." Her look turns serious.

I might have known her for years, but maybe I don't know her. I only ever hung out with the twins when she lived at home; it wasn't until I moved here that I started to talk more with her. I've never seen her wear anything but black. A person can't go through life wearing one shade.

"Are you okay, Jinx?"

"I'm good, just a lot on my mind. Once this concert is over and Von dick hole tells us who he picks, things will be less stressful for me. I'm sure he'll pick Lula, though."

I move toward her, cupping her face. "Von would be stupid not to pick you. You are talented."

"He should pick you if he is smart." She shrugs.

"Let's just get through this first and then see what happens. I'm not feeling very optimistic about the future at the moment. I'll play my best, but that's all I'm willing to do."

I move a hand around her hand, pulling her into my chest. Her small hands wrap around my waist, squeezing me tight. "I'll play my best, too, baby."

"Good, just don't get angry and throw a punch when he doesn't pick you. I'll do that. I can't get kicked out of this school."

"The perks of owning it," I said with a laugh.

"You know it, big guy."