34. Sunday

THIRTY-FOUR

Letting out an exhausted sigh, Wade and I walk into my apartment. I am thankful to see Ash either isn't home or doesn't hear us as we enter. The last thing I need right now is to get into an emotional battle with him in front of Wade.

"You wanna eat pizza and watch a movie?" I ask my splotchy-faced boy. Wade has been heartbroken for days now, and I hate it. This was my biggest fear. That I would fuck up the friendship between him and Ash. And now, I have. I pushed him when he wasn't ready and, in doing so, stole the closest positive male figure in my son's life.

"No," Wade shakes his head. "I'm tired. I'm just going to go to bed." I watch as he clicks his tongue to make Alice follow him to his room before he shuts the door. I walk into my room, closing my own door before sliding down it and choking out a sob. My heart is in pieces, not only for my boy, but for myself, too. I glare through my unshed tears at my wall, the wall we've communicated with each other through for months. I hate that wall and how much I miss his knocks. It's only been four days, but it feels like an eternity. I storm up to the wall and smack it out of anger. That feels kind of good. I do it again and again. I need more though, and I begin hitting it with the side of my fist.

"You're such an asshole!" I cry out as I hit it again. In my blinding emotional heartbreak, I cock my fist back and punch the wall with everything I have. A very dumb move on my part as my fist comes into contact with the fucking stud in the wall. I let out a cry of pain as I pull my fist back and clutch it to my chest.

"Sunday!" Ash's voice is booming and authoritative as I hear him run through my apartment, coming into my room. As soon as his eyes land on me, his face softens. "Oh my god, sunshine." I sob at my nickname as he runs over and looks from me to the dent in the wall, back to me. "Let me see."

"No," I cry stubbornly, still guarding my throbbing fist. "Go away. You shouldn't be here."

"Well, what did you think I was going to do? I heard all that banging, and I thought you were having a seizure or…" I watch his face twist, and I scrunch my face in confusion.

"Or what? That I had some guy in here after four days?" Ash winces, and I know the thought most definitely had been in his mind. Anger and indignation bloom inside me.

"Well, four days may be enough for you to hop on to the next woman, but I need just a little more time," I snap before brushing by him.

"Sunday, I'm in love with you," Ash blurts out to my retreating figure. I freeze before staring back at him.

"What?" I squeak.

"I-I'm in love with you, and I'm in love with Wade. I am a mess. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I can drink, though. I hate myself, and I hate that I somehow managed to take the greatest thing imaginable and fuck it all up because I'm so scared." I watch his pained expression and his body shaking, and I feel myself giving in, but as much as I want to wrap him up in a hug and take his anxiety away, I can't.

"I'm sorry you are scared," I say, trying to find my nerve. "And I'm sorry that things ended the way they did. But I can't play games. This isn't just my heart, Ash. I have a boy in there who is broken." Ash's eyes go glassy, and a tear slips down his tense jaw.

"You will never know." he coughs, trying to clear his throat. "How sorry I am that I hurt you and especially him. Sunday, please… Let me fix this."

I give him a weak shrug. "I don't think you can, Ash. I have to be able to trust that when things get real, the person I love isn't going to run. How can I trust you to stay?"

"Move in with me," he blurts out. "Buy a house with me… I don't know. I won't leave you. Please." Ash drops to his knees. "Sunday, I am so in love with you it's causing me physical pain not being near you. Please."

"Mom?" My head snaps up and through my tears, I see Wade standing in my doorway, his eyes wide. "What is he doing here?"

"Hey, bud," Ash tries, but Wade ignores him, staring directly at me.

"I hurt my hand," I say calmly. "Ash heard on the other side of the wall and was checking on me."

"Are you alright?" Wade asks, his eyes landing on my bleeding hand.

"Yeah, babe." I give him a tight smile. "Just a stupid accident."

"Bud, why don't you get your mama a bag of frozen veggies and a towel?" Ash says, and at first, I think my son will fight him, but Wade tenses his jaw and nods before walking out of the room.

I sit down on the bed, suddenly feeling way too tired.

"I'll get some stuff tomorrow and fix that hole," Ash says, and I look up at the fist-shaped dent in my drywall.

"I can handle it," I groan as I rest my head in my hand.

"I want to," Ash says firmly, and I roll my eyes.

"I don't forgive you," I growl out. "I won't forgive you just like that."

"I know," he replies. "But I do know that this," he says as he gestures between us. "This isn't where our story ends, sunshine."

I huff out a dry laugh. "Oh yeah, and how do you know that?"

He kneels in front of me and pulls back the long sleeve of my shirt, revealing the red yarn. I squeak out a cry as he kisses the bracelet on the inside of my wrist. "Because my sweet, beautiful sunshine, if our story was over, our string would have been cut, yet there it is."

"It's a piece of yarn you wrapped around a bag of Starburst," I say, trying to act like it means nothing to me. He nods, and I see the softest of smiles pull at his lips. I look over his face for the first time, and my heart hurts. He looks so tired. His tan skin looks dull and pale; his hair is unkempt, and his eyes are bloodshot, red-rimmed with dark circles around them. Add to that his scruffy face, he almost looks like a different person.

"So, you have the tie, and I have the Starburst." I knit my brows in confusion.

"What?" Ash pulls his shirt over his head, and I look at the tattoo on the center of his chest.

"Oh my god." I look from the large orange Starburst back to him. "Are you an idiot? What the hell!" Even as I try to scold him, I feel myself smiling for the first time in days.

"Mom?" Wade's voice pulls me back, and I see him walking in with a wrapped pack for my hand. "Why is he– Is that a tattoo of candy?" The humor on his face relaxes me.

"Uhh, yeah," Ash says sheepishly. "I guess I was trying to show your mama how much she means to me."

"You probably could've just told her you loved her and saved yourself the tattoo that I'm definitely going to make fun of." Ash lets out a laugh, though it's different from his usual laugh. This one is tired and unsure.

"You're right, bud. I should tell the people I love how I feel. Despite how scared I am." Ash takes a breath before looking directly at my son. "Wade, you are a great kid. You're smart, funny, and a kick-ass artist. You are honest, and you take great care of your mama. Every minute I've spent with you so far has been some of the best times of my life. You are a good young man, and I have no doubt you'll grow up and do amazing things. And I want you to know that I will always be here for you, no matter what. I love you, bud."

I press my lips together tightly as hot tears roll down my face. Wade stares, eyes wide and mouth agape at Ash, before stepping forward and wrapping his arms around him.

"You love me?" Wade asks in such an astonished tone that I choke out another sob.

"I do." Ash's voice cracks as he hugs Wade back. "I know I'm not your dad, but Wade, you"re amazing, and if you are the closest thing I'll ever have to a son, then I will call it a win."

"If you're the closest thing I ever get to a dad, I call that a win, too," Wade murmurs, and I hear Ash clear his throat as he tries to hide his own sobs. Wade and Ash stay there for a moment before Wade gives Ash and me some privacy to talk.

I take a deep breath when Ash sits on the bed beside me and clasps his hands between his knees. "Sunday, when we first met," he chuckles. "You were so far out of my league, and you still are. I mean, you're this gorgeous as hell woman with this sexy as fuck accent and a no shit's given attitude. Then we got to talking, and I just felt like I was talking to someone I've known my entire existence. We ate at that taco truck and danced under the streetlights until it started to rain. I had never known a feeling like that." He looks over at me; he looks so beat down that it takes everything inside me not to reach for him as he continues.

"All I kept thinking was how I was going to fuck up that night, and then I did. Which only further solidified everything I already knew. My father, Shannon, my mom's exes. I'd get close enough to show vulnerability, and then they would disappear. Or I would fuck up somehow and drive them away. Either way, I would be left broken and alone. When we started talking this last time, all I kept thinking was how I knew… I fucking knewthat if I weren't careful, you would destroy me, because you had before. I never stopped thinking about you, sunshine. Then I met Wade and got to know him better, and then we had the late nights together. I don't really know if there was a time I wasn't in love with you. And it scared me. It still does. I'm terrified of being vulnerable and getting hurt and left again." He takes a shaky breath and rubs his hands together nervously.

"I'm scared too," I say softly as I wince when the bag moves—Ash notices and kneels in front of me to hold the frozen bag on my hand. "I'm so scared you'll get tired of us and leave. Or things will get too hard. And I'll be left to mend both my heart and his." I gesture to my closed bedroom door, and Ash nods.

"I know, and I could say it won't happen, but it did. So…" he sighs as he stands up, letting go of the bag. "I'm not going to ask you to take me back. In fact, if you wanted to get back together, I would tell you no."

"W-what?" I ask as I feel the blood drain from my face. "Then why are you here? Why say those things to me? To Wade?" He holds a finger to my lips.

"My god, you talk a lot," he chuckles and shakes his head. "I haven't earned the right to be back with you. And besides, when we do get back together, I want it to be real. I want us to move in together, and I want boyfriend and girlfriend labels. I want you to have stability and security. I want you to trust me. And I want to give you and Wade all those things. So, I'm going to win you back."

"Okay," I say cautiously. "How so? And how long will this take?" He shrugs.

"We have time, sunshine."