33. Ash

THIRTY-THREE

The sound of Sunday's apartment door opening grabs my attention and I quickly run out of my apartment and come face to face with Wade.

"Oh, hey, bud," I say nervously. "I-is your mom home?"

"She's at Stevie's," Wade mutters. "I'm just here grabbing some clothes and food for Alice."

"Oh. Are you guys coming back soon?" Wade refuses to meet my gaze. "Or do you need a ride back there?"

"Luca is waiting for me downstairs." Wade goes to walk away, but I stop him.

"Wade, I don't know what you've heard, but I'm sorry. I–I was an idiot. I didn"t mean to hurt your mom." Wade finally looks up, and I see his bloodshot, red-rimmed eyes. It breaks my fucking heart. "God, Wade, and I never meant to hurt you."

Wade shrugs, "It's cool, I get it. You don't love us. I overheard Mom talking to Stevie and Indy yesterday. You don't want to love us, and Mom isn't going to let anyone hurt us again. Though I think she was a little late on this one."

"Wade…" I sigh. "It's not like that. I just, what if it doesn't work out? Never mind, you are too young to be in the middle of this."

"But I am!" Wade yells. "I am in the middle of this because she's my mom, and you…" Tears roll down his cheeks as he tries to stay in control of his emotions. "If you didn't see all of us together, you should've stayed away." He sniffles as he glares at the floor.

"A week ago, I would've given anything to have you as a dad." My breath catches in my throat as I stare at him, eyes wide. "But now, I realize," he laughs briefly. "You're worse than Josh. Because you made us fall in love with you and believe in some happy ending. You made us feel wanted, at least until we wanted too much from you, I guess. At least with Josh, I knew where I really stood. I should've never begged Mom to keep us here. This is all my fault." I go to reach for him, but Wade pulls away. "Fuck you, Ash." He walks away without looking back, leaving me standing alone in the hall as he runs to the elevator.

Walking back into my empty apartment, I close the door and slide down it. I've fucked up. I've fucked up more than I ever thought was possible, and I don't know what to do to fix it. Or if I even can. The girls are keeping Sunday barricaded, and the coffee shop is guarded by Stevie's mother and grandmother and her knives. For a shop with the logo of a cartoon coffee and donut, they seem to have a lot of sharp, oddly large knives lying around.

Sighing, I stand up, walk over to my small bar cart, and pluck a random bottle before removing the cap and taking a swig. All I can hear in my head is my mother's words from the resort, playing over and over in my brain.

"If she is letting you get close to that portion of her world, then she's already decided where you fit into her life."

Mom was telling me then what was coming. And I knew it. I knew then that Sunday was developing feelings for me. Why didn't I back off? Why didn't I just move on and leave them alone?

Because you had also decided where they were fitting into your life. Because you let her get closer to a part of your world that no one else had.

"Shut up!" I scream at my brain before taking another drink from the bottle. My brain stops talking, and instead I get images. The Starbursts, the smiles, the wall knocks, the phone calls ending in her snoring, her terrible singing in the shower, heaving her over my shoulder to leave the bar and smacking her ass, her standing up for me to Shannon, even when I wasn't around. The red piece of yarn around her wrist…

I feel a tremble in my bottom lip and decide I'm going to need a lot more booze to get me through the night.

"Ash,"Atlas pats my back as I continue to lie on my tattoo table. "Bud, come on." I groan as I shove him off.

"What?" I grumble, sitting up and wincing. I'm completely hungover from last night. I drunk-dialed Sunday no less than a hundred times. She never answered, of course, which only upset me more. I laid in my bed, but I couldn't stay there. I kept waiting for the knock that would never come. I wanted to listen to her snore; I wanted to debate her on aliens, and I wanted her in bed with me. But that wasn't happening, so I left the apartment and came to Hel's, where I continued to drink until I passed out. Or at least I think that"s what happened.

"It's opening time," Derek grumbles. "Wake your– What the fuck did you do?" I furrow my brows as I look from Derek to a snickering Atlas.

"Oh, for fuck's sake." Fox groans as he looks at me. I follow their gazes, and it's then I see it on my sternum—a new tattoo. Of an orange Starburst, but instead of the wrapper saying Starburst, it says Sun. The line-work is shaky, and the orange is bleeding through the lines.

"Not my finest work," I mutter, trying to remember when I did that. I look over at my station. It's all clean and put away. Did I really clean my station before passing out?

"Vanessa!" Fox screams, and I feel my stomach drop out of my asshole as a flash of me using Vanessa—Fox's prized machine—comes into my mind. "I will fucking murder you."

"Woah! Woah there!" Atlas gets between us, a fucking brave soul considering the rage on Fox's face. "Go clean Vanessa up, and I'll try to fix the mess going on with Ash's chest." Fox snarls at me again before clutching Vanessa to his chest and stomping off. I sigh and follow Atlas to his station, lying down as he preps his machine and grabs the ink cups. After close inspection, it looks like the tattoo is only an hour or two old, and while we never would tattoo over fresh work for the public, I'll take my chances with this, and if it's fucked, well, it's my own fault.

"Wanna talk about it?" Atlas asks, loading the cups with orange, white, yellow, and black inks.

I shrug as he cleans off the small tattoo I did while sketching around it with a marker. "Not much to say," I sigh as the buzzing of the machine, usually a familiar, calming noise for me, starts to irritate my already throbbing head. "You were there when Sunday overheard me saying that I don't love her and decided she wasn't staying around and told me to fuck off." I pinch the bridge of my nose with my fingers. "I don't understand how her blurting that out makes me the bad guy!"

"I think it was more so your confession to all of us at such a high level," Atlas says flatly as he continues the line. Fuck, that hurts. I grimace as I try to focus on the conversation.

"Yeah, I get that. But, like, she didn't even give me a chance to explain."

"Explain what?" Fox huffs.

"That it's not that I don't love her; I just… can't act on those feelings."

"Ha!" Fox snorts. "Boy, seems like I was in a similar boat, and you fuckers told me I was a chickenshit." Rolling my eyes, I shake my head.

"This is not the same at all."

"I dunno." Atlas smirks while inking his machine. "Sounds kind of the same."

"It's not the same. Sunday has Wade."

"And?" Derek speaks up, and I look over at him incredulously.

"Don't talk to me, Virginia; you did something to upset my sister. I haven't figured out what exactly, but I know it was you." I watch his one eye twitch ever so slightly before he turns around and starts setting up his station.

"If you want to win her back," Atlas says, bringing my attention back to him. "You should try speaking her love language, and I guarantee words are not her language."

"I never said I loved her!" I groan.

"You kind of did," Fox leans back in his chair. "You just said you can't act on it, which is stupid."

"It's not stupid!" I snap defensively. "What if she falls out of love with me? What if she ruins me forever? What if, when she leaves, she takes Wade with her? So, then, I lose both the people I'm in love with? Why in the fuck would I want to do that?"

"Because," Atlas sighs as he wipes down my chest before handing me the mirror. "You are already doing it. And right now, you have two options. One will definitely lead you down a path where you lose them both forever, and that's currently the one you're on, in case you didn't already know. If you fix this and choose the other, you may get to be their person forever." He shrugs as I look over the tattoo. It's a much crisper, cleaner, and larger version of the original orange Starburst with the logo saying Sunshine. It's the dumbest tattoo I've ever gotten, and I love it more than any of my others.

"So, what do you know about love languages?" I ask while putting my shirt back on as Atlas strips down his table.

"Well, everyone is different. Like, Ren is all about words of affirmation. That girl is all about being listened to and praised. I send her messages all day, ensuring she remembers she is the literal definition of perfection."

"Wow," Derek says blankly. "I think that is the most sickening thing I've ever heard. But if Ren's happy with your stupid ass, that's what matters."

"I'll have you know she's elated with my stupid ass." Atlas flips Derek off before turning back to me. "She also is appreciative of acts of service. But words are definitely her thing."

"I wonder what Sunday's would be," I mutter, more so to myself.

"If I had to guess," Fox scratches his bearded jaw. "With her being a single mom and having all her jobs, I would say acts of service would mean the most to her." Derek nods in agreement.

"Or quality time," he states, and Atlas snaps his fingers.

"Yes! I guarantee it's quality time. You said before how much she loved going out with you and Wade and how you both watched documentaries almost every night." Derek snorts, and I glare at him.

"Well, since you're going to be vocal, Virginia, why don't we have this overdue talk right now?"

Atlas leans over his station. "Go easy on him. He's been extrapouty since Indy ran off."

"Oh yeah, because Virginia's feelings are what I'm concerned about," I sneer.

"Just saying, words of affirmation might be his love language, too!" Derek glares at Atlas and shakes his head.

"I'll come over there and beat your ass," he barks at Atlas before glaring at me. "I want her phone number." I let out a surprised laugh.

"Oh, yeah, sure, it's two, one, three, go-fuck-yourself." I watch as his nostrils flare and his lips nearly disappear behind his beard.

"I don't know how this is my fault. But I"ve wanted to talk to your sister and explain that her falling or the wet pants thing wasn't a big deal. I never even fucking mentioned it. But if y'all want to keep treating me like I kicked her or something, you can go fuck yourselves. I didn't make her piss herself, and I didn't make her fall either time. In fact, I tried to help. So, tell me, Ash, what exactly did I do wrong?"

I don't think Derek has ever spoken that many words to me at once. It's a little jarring, and as I look at Atlas and Fox, I see they must agree. Deciding to throw the man a bone, I sigh and roll my neck.

"Look, I'm going to tell you all something that, if you repeat to anyone, I'll kill you. I'm not kidding either. I will end your fucking lives." I am trying to be intimidating, and I know with normal people, that would've intimidated them. But these three fuckers just stand there, looking unamused and unbothered.

"Indy is sick," I admit softly, and I feel the all-too-familiar tightness in my chest resurfacing. Nothing is harder than having to talk about my baby sister's battles that I cannot protect her from. I watch as Derek's face softens and his body becomes less rigid. Fuckkk. Does he have to like her? Really?

"Is she okay?" he asks, and fuck, is that a loaded question. I try to clear the lump in my throat before talking, but my words come out garbled.

"Most days. She's young and strong and has her stupid, overly positive attitude that helps." I clear my throat before continuing. "Indy has a couple of illnesses, but the main one is RRMS, which is a type of multiple sclerosis." I hear him take a sharp breath and I feel irritation course through me. I don't want him to take a sharp breath for Indy. That's not his job. I take all the sharp breaths for her.

"Yeah," I state coolly as I continue. "Part of it is loss of bladder control; another is balance." There is a long silence between us before Derek finally speaks again.

"If I… If I did anything that made her feel bad, tell her I apologize. I feel like a shitty person right now." I nod as I rub the back of my head.

Atlas clears his throat and speaks up. "Vir– Derek, I don't think thisis a time you should feel shitty. And I'm sure Indy is probably embarrassed because she's always trying to be Miss Independent."

"Yeah, she'll get over it, probably." I shrug. "I don't really know since she moved out."

"Yeah," Fox scratches his head. "I told her she could stay with Janie and me, but she went to Stevie's. I feel kind of bad. Stevie lives in a studio above the bakery and has Indy, Sunday, and Wade there."

I wince. "Yeah, I've seemed to run everyone I love away from me." I pause for a moment as I let the words sink in.

"I love them," I say softly. "I love Wade and Sunday."

I look at my friends, even Derek.

"I love them, and I completely fucked everything up."

"Don't fret brother," Atlas pats my shoulder. "We fixed that shit on your chest. We will fix your love life."

"How? They don't want to see me," Atlas laughs.

"Ha! Never underestimate my ability to wear people down."