14. Sunday

FOURTEEN

Wow.

It's the only word I can think of that describes the house in front of me. It's as if the Hallmark Channel's Christmas special vomited on top of a Dutch colonial. A symphony of lights twinkle in harmony, casting a warm glow upon the surrounding landscape, even in the afternoon light. Strings of multicolored bulbs adorn the roofline while clusters of shimmering icicle lights drip elegantly from the eaves. The front yard is a winter wonderland, complete with inflatable snowmen waving on top of the artificial snow mountains. A family of illuminated reindeer graze peacefully on the lawn, their antlers twinkling with fairy lights that seem to dance in the gentle breeze. All this magic, and I haven't even entered the house where I can already hear the soft melody of Christmas classics playing. I mean, I love Christmas decorations, but it's April.

Wade looks over the decorations and then back at me. "Mom, this is definitely not a beach resort." I snort and roll my eyes.

"No shit," I hiss. "We are just staying here for the night… I hope."

"Sorry," Ash sighs while walking up to us. "Mom has a thing about Christmas." He laughs. "We've decided it's a sweet quirk. Don't worry. We're only here for the night, and then we're staying at the resort where the wedding is for the rest of the trip." As we walk past the inflated snow globe and dancing Santa, I suddenly feel like eight packs of orange Starbursts wouldn't be enough, let alone four.

I stare at the bed.The full-size mattress is covered with candy cane-striped sheets, pillows, and a green velvet comforter. There's a fire going in the fireplace. In April… In California. Where it's currently a balmy seventy-something degrees outside. I look from the bed to my roommate. Ash and Indy's mother, Celeste, is under the impression that Ash and I are further along in our relationship than I thought.

A truckload of orange Starbursts wouldn't have been enough.

"It's the temperature of Satan's asshole in here," I huff, and Ash laughs before going over and putting the fire out. I watch as he reaches up and turns on the portable air conditioner.

"Mom's house is a bed-and-breakfast, so each room has its own AC." I shove past him, ripping off my shirt and leaving myself in my blue cami as I stand in front of the unit to cool down.

"Listen, I can fit on that bed, but there's zero chance your giant ass is getting in there, too." He smirks and gives me a wink that I feel in my belly button.

"Guess we're going to be getting close tonight," he says blankly, and I snort at him.

"Unless your mama is going to be in here watching us sleep, I think you can take the floor." I watch as his face falls.

"But sunshine… it's hardwood, and I have a bad back!" he whines, and I raise my brow.

"Really? Because before we left, you were doing backflips with Wade."

He pauses for a moment. "Sporadic pain?"

I flick him on the forehead before removing the blanket and lying on the bed. "My head feels like it might explode." I moan, primarily to myself.

"What's wrong?" He asks, sitting beside me. Suddenly, the familiar feeling of panic washes over me as my limbs begin to feel like pins and needles. I see my hand tensing and closing on its own, and I know what's coming.

"Shit," I grit out as I stand up. Ash looks at me, panic in his eyes, and I feel his arms on my biceps, and then everything goes black.

"Wade!"Is that Ash? "She's coming to!" Coming to what?

Groaning, I try to open my eyes, but fuck, my head hurts. Blinking, I try to get my vision to focus. Ash staring down at me is the first thing that I see. His worried expression relaxes as he runs his fingers down the side of my face, gently stroking my temple and pushing my hair behind my ears.

"Hey, sunshine," he whispers weakly, and I groan again while looking around the room. Oh god, everyone is here. Wade, Indy, and I'm guessing Ash and Indy's mom, Celeste, and her fiancé, Neil. I feel my cheeks heating and a burning sensation in my eyes. Goddamn it, I didn't even get to introduce myself first.

"Sunday," I hear Indy's soft voice as she walks closer. "Babe, I'm going to help clean you up, okay? Wade, why don't you hang out with my mom for a bit?" Wade nods and walks away while I shake my head. Why do I need cleaning up?

"Oh, no…" I cry out, knowing I must've lost control of my bladder. Mortification consumes me, and the tears fall freely as I cover my face. I had a seizure, and I pissed myself in front of everyone.

"Hey," Ash pulls my arm away and holds my face in both his hands, looking me right in the eyes and trying to reassure me. "Hey, sunshine, it's okay. Oh, sweetheart, I promise. Look at me." He runs his hand over my wet face, and I sob harder.

"I'm so embarrassed," I manage to get out. Ash nods and places a gentle kiss on my forehead, which only makes me cry harder because it's so damn sweet.

"I know, and if I could take that from you, I would. But I promise, it's okay; nobody cares." He slowly helps me sit up, and I wince at my throbbing headache. "Would you feel better if I pee too? Because I'll do it right now, just for you."

I choke out a half sob, half laugh as I shake my head. "No, but I appreciate the support." I sniffle while leaning against his shoulder. Ash wastes no time as his tattooed arms wrap around me securely, pulling me to his chest. I feel so safe in his arms.

"Sunday, I know what it's like to be embarrassed like this, and I'm sorry it's happening to you. But I promise, no one is thinking about the fact you lost control. We're just happy you're okay. That seizure was really intense. I was barely able to help you to the floor."

"I'm sorry," I lament as I rest my head back, mildly aware of the sound of a shower turning on. "Usually, I have more notice. Like early warnings so I can prepare. Not lately, though. With them tweaking my medication, I can't always predict them. And I highly doubt you"ve ever peed yourself in front of a bunch of strangers."

"I mean, not without them signing NDAs first." He smirks, and I let out a chuckle. "No, I've never peed myself in front of strangers. But I do remember this one time I was getting ready to have sex with this super attractive woman; I mean..." He blows out a breath and shakes his head. "Completely out of my league, but for whatever reason, she liked me, and I was at her place, and the second I got my pants down, I finished." I jerk my head off him and stare up in shock. Are we really going to talk about that night? Now?

"Yeah." He rubbed the back of his head. "I was so mortified that I ran out and spent years pretending I didn't know her while also having relations with any woman I could just to prove I wasn't broken. So, trust me, we all have embarrassing stories."

I go to speak, but Indy comes in and smiles. "I'm going to have Ash help get you in there, but after that, we will kick him out."

"You don't haveto do this," I repeat for the millionth time this evening as Ash sits on the bed beside me, holding an ice pack.

"Shut up. I know I don't have to do anything I don't want to. I want to do this. Now, behave, eat your dinner, and turn on the iPad." I smile softly as I hit the Netflix button and skim through until I find a docuseries. I turn the iPad to face Ash, who's setting up the tray with our food on it.

"Another alien documentary?" he questions, raising a brow.

"What?" I ask, starting it up. "The truth is out there, Ash. There are interviews with ex-military people talking about the unmarked and unmanned aircraft they were ordered not to talk about, and then there are the hieroglyphics in ancient Egyptian pyramids that show men in rocket ships."

He stares at me in stunned silence for a long moment before shaking his head and grabbing the ice pack, and placing it on my head before sitting down. "I am equal parts terrified and turned on by your nerdiness." He chuckles as he grabs my bare legs and places them on his lap. His hand is massive, and I study the orange chrysanthemum on the top while watching as his fingers move over my legs, causing goosebumps to erupt following his path. I'm about to ask him what he's doing when he moves to my foot and gives it a rub.

"You ready?" he asks, and I let out a small squeak.

"W-what?" He motions to the iPad.

"Dinner and the aliens." He continues rubbing my foot, completely casual and seemingly oblivious to how I'm reacting, but I feel a current run so fast to my center I nearly moan out loud. It's been too long. I've been deprived of physical touch for too long, and the fact that this manis caressing my feet. Okay, maybe he's not actually caressing, but he's being far more gentlemanly than I would expect. Or at least how I want him to be right now.

"Why are you rubbing my feet?" My question comes out as a moan, causing him to chuckle.

"Apparently, you're in desperate need of it,"

"Irrelevant. Fuck, you're good at that." I roll my head back as he hits the right spot.

"Because you're a dancer. You can't tell me your feet don't hurt."

Raising my brow, I give him a cautious look. "Yeah, they do, still doesn't explain–"

"Oh my god, sunshine, I'm being nice. You know, like a boyfriend would?" He states, gesturing to the open bedroom door.

"Oh," I say, my voice small. "Right." We go back to the show on my iPad, and I look at my bowl of soup and cringe inwardly.

"Nauseous?" he asks, causing me to jump.

"Y-yeah. No! Sorry, no, I'll eat." I go to grab the spoon, but he stops me and moves the tray away.

"Indy and Ren have both had seizures before, and they were always queasy after." He gives my thigh a squeeze before moving my legs from his lap and getting up to move the tray off the bed.

"So, I have a question," he asks softly, turning back around. "Why go back to Alabama when you have a great group of friends here?"

I rest my back against the headboard and let out a breath. It's at this moment something hisses from under the bed, and I get a whiff of pine. I look around in confusion, and Ash chuckles.

"Mom has a motion sensor air freshener at the head of the bed. It must've sensed your ass move."

"Well, look at you," I say dryly and roll my eyes. "Out here, dampening panties with your sensual words. Are you trying to seduce me, Ash Johnson?" He cocks a brow, and I watch as he suggestively crawls back onto the bed. Shit, abort mission.

"Sunshine, do you want me to dampen your panties?" he asks. His voice is so thick and husky that it's doing me unfair things. "Because I aim to please, sweetheart."

I feel my cheeks heating up. I need to change the direction we're heading. "Fuck you, charming," I mutter, causing him to laugh while waggling his brows.

"I mean, I've been waiting for my comeback shot for years." He laughs, and I go completely red. Picking up the candy cane-striped pillow, I smack him with it.

"I liked this more when you were the fumbling, nervous one," I grumble as his laughter dies down.

"Funny, I was thinking the same about you. Now, why are you moving back to Alabama?" I am thankful for the change in subject, and I shift slightly to reach out and pause the show.

"Honestly, I don't know if that's where we're going anymore. The studio I was looking to buy got sold out from under me, and there's not a whole lot in that area for me to choose from. Wade and I may head further east. Hit the Midwest or something."

"But why? I mean, you have a support system and a studio here." Shifting uncomfortably, I roll my eyes.

"Oh, are you going to start taking care of my finances, charming? You wanna be my sugar daddy? I need out of the city, hell, the state, because it's too expensive for me to live here. I don't want to be just a pole instructor forever, and with my credit, thanks to my dick of an ex-husband, no one wants to help me out." I really wish I hadn't just word-vomited all over him.

Ash sits on the edge of the bed and stares at me, his dark eyes so intense it's almost too much to hold eye contact. "Do you want me to be your sugar daddy? Because I'll do it if it means I won't have to miss your face as much as I'm going to." I'm momentarily struck silent until I see his cocky smirk and realize he's fucking with me. I relax slightly and laugh as I shove his arm with my foot.

"Oh, you know it. It's why I moved into your building. I'm slowly going to change your partying ways, get you to fall for me, and want to take care of me and Wade forever." I state sarcastically. No way in hell would I ever allow a man to have that kind of control again. Maybe that's why I like Ash; he never tries to be the dominant one. We've always just been equal. It's refreshing.

Ash shrugs, "Yeah, I figured as much. I mean, it's kind of obvious you're obsessed with me."

I gasp in shock. "I am not! You're the one asking me to your mom's wedding."

"And you're the one who said yes and wanted orange Starbursts as payment." I stick my tongue out.

"Trust and believe I gave you way too good of a deal." Ash leans over me, his face mere inches from mine.

"Anything I could do to sweeten the deal?" He murmurs, his eyes flicking to my lips. I've forgotten how to breathe and I'm fine with it. I'm completely fine with not breathing if it means Ash will kiss me. I can't explain it, the pull this man has. No matter how hard I try to fight it, one look from him and–

"Ashy baby, oh!" Ash and I jump apart as Celeste walks into the doorway. The smile on her petite, heart-shaped face is full of mischief, and it causes my face to heat. "I was going to see if you wanted to go with us for a walk, but I see you're busy." There is laughter in her tone, and I detect a slight Minnesota accent that neither of her kids seems to have. "How's about we take Wade and give you some privacy."

"Oh! N-no!" I laugh while shoving Ash further away to the point he nearly falls off the bed.

"Ow! Goddamn, you're strong," he mutters while rubbing his side. Really? I'm a fucking dancer. What do you expect?

"Nothing is happening, ma'am. I would love a walk." I say, standing up but getting lightheaded. It's common after my seizures, especially with the medication. Ash notices, and he wraps an arm around my side and pulls me back to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Sunshine, that's probably not the best idea."

"Well then, you should go," I state firmly, needing this man and his fire-like touch to back off. "Let me rest and maybe get Wade to go with you so he's not hovering over me." Ash gives me a look like he wants to say no, but he doesn't. His lips press into a thin line, and he gives me a nod before standing up. He leans over and presses a soft kiss to the top of my head, and it takes everything in me not to squeak or react in any way that would make Celeste suspicious.

"Okay, sweetheart," he says softly, and fucking hell, is he trying to turn me on? "I'll have my phone on me if you need anything." I give him a tight smile and a small wave as he and Celeste walk out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind them.

Once alone, I flop back on the bed, causing the air freshener to hiss again, and the scent of pine invades my nose. I stare at the ceiling as I feel the heaviness in my chest intensify and the familiar burning sensation in my nose and eyes. I'm alone, truly alone. No one to interrupt me, I could…

Standing up, I steady myself as I walk to the bathroom. Turning on the fan and the shower for noise, I sit on the cool tile floor, bringing my knees to my chest as the feelings become overwhelming.

Where do I go? What do I do? How will I afford anything? When do I get to stop running and struggling? When do I get to breathe? When does it get easier?

These thoughts swirl in my head like a whirlpool, dragging me down into the depths of despair. The noise from the fan and shower are a mere distraction from the noise inside my head, the questions and doubts that continuously haunt me. I wish I could find the answers—find peace.

But the answers, as always, evade me, just like everything else in my life. I'm constantly running, constantly struggling, constantly searching for some sense of stability for Wade and me. And yet, it always seems just out of reach.

Exhaustion weighs down on me like a thousand bricks, crushing my body and soul against the cool bathroom wall. I close my eyes, hoping for a moment of peace, but all I find is chaos. Thoughts and emotions whirl around me, suffocating any chance of clarity or solace. Panic creeps in as I realize I'm completely lost and alone in this struggle. My son deserves stability, and I don"t know how to give it to him. It"s not fair to either of us, yet here we are, drowning in this never-ending cycle of turmoil. I'm failing as a parent, as a protector, and the weight of that failure leaves me utterly exhausted.

A sob wracks through me, followed by another, until I finally allow the tears to fall from my eyes, using the sounds of the fan and the shower to muffle my cries.