12. Jillian

12

JILLIAN

J illian watched Josie gather gingerbread ingredients and line them up on the counter with almost military precision.

Moose sat on the floor beside her, his head tilting as he carefully watched her every movement.

Though the dog normally operated with a quiet dignity, he had greeted them by clowning around the house like a puppy when they came home from town, flashing around the dining table and then spinning in place, landing on his belly with his front paws splayed and his rump held high, tail wagging, ears back and smiling with his tongue lolling out of his mouth while Josie howled with laughter.

And when Brad carried in the fresh Christmas tree they had bought at the firehouse sale, Moose examined it as solemnly as an airport security officer until the moment Josie and Jillian headed for the kitchen.

They had all been tired after spending the day at the Hometown Holiday celebration, but Josie had been eager to make their gingerbread dough tonight so that it would be ready to roll out tomorrow, and Jillian had asked Brad if it would be okay.

Brad said he had no objection to letting her stay up a little late. After all, it wasn’t a school night, and he was going to be digging around in the boxes for the Christmas decorations once he got the tree up.

The big tree turned out to be just right for the house. It was so fresh that it instantly filled the whole place with the nostalgic scent of Christmas. Josie had chosen a nice fat one that wasn’t too tall. But even so, the topmost branch still scraped the ceiling of the cottage, which wasn’t very high, especially compared to the vaulted ceiling of the penthouse they were used to.

Brad himself had to duck in some of the doorways of the new place. But he didn’t seem to mind. And Jillian honestly felt happier in the smaller, cozier setting where voices weren’t lost to a lot of empty space.

Right now, she and Josie were in the open kitchen and dining area next to the living room and it felt like Brad was right there with them as he worked on the tree. They could all see each other and enjoy the rich scent of pine in the air.

This is the life I always dreamed of. It’s all I’ve ever wanted…

She noticed with pleasure that Brad had set aside the branches he had trimmed. He knew she and Josie would want to do a project of some kind with them.

Will she still do that stuff when I’m gone?

The unwelcome thought put a lump in her throat, even as she told herself that Josie had plenty of people in her life to help her have fun and enjoy the holidays. But Jillian decided that tonight was a perfect opportunity to plant the idea in the girl’s head. She might have to make more of an effort to have those moments after Jillian was gone.

“Done, ” Josie said with satisfaction. “We have everything we need.”

Making sure they had all the ingredients before getting started was the most important part of any recipe. Jillian was proud that she had instilled this first step in her charge.

“Great job,” she told her. “When you teach your cousins how to make gingerbread, will you remember to make sure they know that’s step one?”

“Teach my cousins?” Josie asked uncertainly.

“Don’t you think Lucas would love to build a gingerbread house with you?” Jillian asked. “He might come up with some really neat ideas for how to decorate it. And there’s no way you’re going to be doing this alone next year. I wish we had thought to invite him over tonight.”

“That could be fun,” Josie said thoughtfully. “Maybe Zeke would want to learn too. He’s awfully little though.”

“You were pretty little when you started learning,” Jillian reminded her. “You couldn’t even stir the dough once the flour went in.”

Josie laughed and Brad chuckled from the living room.

“Speaking of which, want to grab the big fork?” Jillian asked her. “Or are you too tired? We can use the mixer tonight, if you want. ”

“No way,” Josie said. “We stir it ourselves. It’s our tradition.”

That particular tradition had come about because Brad didn’t have a nice mixer when Josie was little, but Jillian wasn’t about to tell her that. Mixing the dough the old-fashioned way was actually pretty fun, and she was convinced it was as good for her arms as any gym workout.

As they proceeded with the dough, Brad wandered in to join them.

Jillian put on the kettle and fixed his tea without comment, placing it on the counter, and watching with satisfaction when he took a seat, knowing he was always a welcome part of their traditions.

“Thank you, Jillian,” he said, warmly, his voice deeper than usual.

There was something about the way he was looking at her tonight. It was like he was asking her a question without speaking—or maybe asking himself one.

Whatever it was, it was very distracting. And it was causing her to think all kinds of hopeful thoughts that she had no business thinking.

“Zeke will want to crack the eggs,” Josie decided out loud as she gathered the eggs to do it herself.

“What will you tell him?” Jillian asked. “How will you teach him, so he doesn’t get frustrated, and he learns how to do it well?”

“I’ll show him that I always crack eggs into a little bowl, not into the big one with the dough,” Josie said right away. “That way if a little shell gets in, it’s easier to get it out. ”

“Perfect,” Jillian told her. “That’s the most important step. The rest he’ll figure out by feel, just like you did.”

“It broke,” Josie yelped, looking down into her little bowl at a yolk with bits of shell scattered in it.

“Wow,” Jillian replied, surprised. Josie had gotten pretty good at cracking eggs in all her time helping with baking projects.

“It’s harder with fresh eggs,” Brad chimed in.

“Fresh eggs,” Jillian echoed, amazed.

“Those are from Mom,” he said, nodding.

“Can we put on the radio?” Josie asked as she industriously used a big piece of shell to remove the smaller bits from the bowl, just like Jillian had taught her.

“Sure,” Jillian said, leaning across the counter to turn the dial.

Elvis began crooning that he would be home for Christmas, and Jillian felt a tug on her heart so powerful she thought it would knock her over.

“Zeke will want to keep tasting the dough,” Josie said suddenly. “But after we put in raw eggs, no more tasting.”

“Correct,” Jillian said, trying not to smile.

It was an excellent safety rule, and one that Josie almost always broke. The real rule was that once the eggs went in you had to sneak tastes of the dough, which Jillian was pretty sure just made the whole thing more fun.

“What about Moose?” Josie said suddenly, gazing sadly down at the big dog. “I’m sure he wants a Christmas treat too.”

Moose, who was now lying down, thumped his tail against the floor at the mention of his name.

“Well, I did have an idea for him,” Jillian told her. “I think we can put one of his special dog biscuits in the oven for a minute and then put a little peanut butter on top.”

“Like frosting,” Josie said, her eyebrows lifting in surprise.

“Exactly,” Jillian told her. “What do you think?”

“Yes, let’s do that,” Josie said with a brilliant smile. “Did you hear that, Moose? You are getting a treat.”

Jillian had moved to preheat the oven, so she couldn’t see the big dog, but she heard the thump of his tail again.

“You can only have one,” Josie told him sternly. “We have to make sure you stay healthy so you can run and jump and be happy.”

Jillian smiled to herself at how responsible the little girl really was.

Not as little anymore, she thought to herself.

But she could still feel that tiny bundle pressed to her chest, the little face rooting in the crook of her neck for comfort.

What will I ever do without you, Josie?

It seemed like for as long as she could remember, caring for Josie and Brad had been more than her duty, it had been her purpose.

The Butlers seemed lovely, but her place in their house would definitely be that of an employee. Here with Brad and Josie, the lines seemed to blur and fade sometimes, and it was easy to imagine that she was part of the family she had always longed for.

“Oven’s ready,” Josie squeaked.

“Great,” Jillian told her. “Let’s get Moose’s treat in there. We’ll roll the dough out to chill once that’s done. ”

She watched as Josie grabbed a treat, put it on a bit of wax paper and set it on the tray. She looked up expectantly at Jillian when she was finished.

“Would you like to put it in?” Jillian asked her.

She could feel Brad’s eyes on her, but she knew Josie could handle it.

“I use a potholder,” Josie said.

“Always,” Jillian agreed. “Even when you don’t think you need it. And you make sure your clothing and your hair aren’t going to touch the inside of the oven too.”

Josie put a hand on her head, but her blonde hair was already pulled back. And she was wearing her gingerbread man pajamas, which fit closely.

“What do you think?” Jillian asked her. “Are you good?”

“I’m good,” Josie replied excitedly.

“Okay,” Jillian said. “Let’s see you do it.”

She watched proudly as the girl carefully opened the oven, lifted the tray with a potholder, and placed it on the rack before closing the door.

“I did it,” she said, popping back up with sparkling eyes.

Jillian could hear Brad chuckling softly behind her, and the girl’s energy made her want to laugh too. But she just smiled and nodded.

“You sure did,” she told her. “Now set the time for two minutes.”

“How?” Josie asked.

Jillian came over to the oven with her and walked her through it .

“After this, can we decorate the gingerbread house?” Josie asked hopefully when she was finished.

“Absolutely,” Jillian told her.

“ Yes, ” Josie said.

Josie had been disappointed when Jillian shared that she had already made one batch of gingerbread for the gingerbread house walls and roof while Josie was at school. But Jillian had known the process of making dough, chilling it, baking it, and letting it cool before they could get started would be too much even for the weekend. Now she was glad she had done it. They would be able to use the dough they were making tonight for cookies while they got a start on the house.

The timer went off and Josie bent to open the oven, then stopped and grabbed the potholder.

“Excellent,” Jillian told her. “Be very careful to hold the tray level, just like before.”

She stepped back and watched as Josie executed everything perfectly.

“I’m going to get it onto a plate for you,” she told Josie, grabbing a spatula.

When the hot biscuit was safely on a plate, Josie ran and got the peanut butter and a butter knife. Moose leapt up excitedly and seated himself right next to Josie again, watching rapturously while she painted a little peanut butter onto his treat.

“Can I give it to him?” Josie asked.

“Is it still hot?” Jillian asked her.

She watched as Josie lifted the biscuit and felt it, her head tilting to one side as she considered, in a way that made her oddly resemble the dog .

Jillian glanced over at Brad to see if he noticed it too.

Brad was smiling fondly at his daughter, but his eyes flashed over to Jillian and his smile deepened, as if they had a secret.

“I think it’s good,” Josie decided.

Moose’s tail thumped the floor as if he agreed.

“He’s being so good,” Jillian said. “No jumping or begging. Tell him he’s a good boy and then give it to him. You’ll never give him a treat if he’s doing any of those things he shouldn’t, or else he’ll think that’s what you want him to do.”

Josie nodded solemnly.

“Good boy,” she said, turning back to Moose with a big smile. “Here you go.”

Moose took his peanut butter-topped biscuit politely, crunching the big biscuit once and then swallowing it down.

“Wow,” Josie said.

Moose wagged his tail and kept looking up at her, as if maybe there were more biscuits.

“We’ll make you another one tomorrow,” she told him. “You don’t want a bellyache.”

Jillian smiled, hearing the words she had said to Josie so many times repeated by the girl herself.

When she glanced at Brad again he nodded to her as if to acknowledge that he was noticing the same thing. He had that funny look in his eyes again, like he was trying to figure something out.

“Let’s wash our hands and get everything ready for decorating the gingerbread house,” she said briskly to Josie to distract herself from the girl’s father .

Ten minutes later, Brad was back rummaging through the stack of boxes in the living room looking for the Christmas decorations. And Josie sat at the dining table, the walls and roof of the gingerbread house laid out on trays in front of her, as well as bowls of Christmas candies, and a small wooden box they used for the construction process.

Jillian whisked a nice bowl of thick frosting, pretending not to notice Josie sneaking a starlight mint as she catalogued a plan for her decorating.

“Okay,” Jillian said, placing the frosting on the table, and sitting down beside Josie. “Are you ready?”

“Yes,” Josie said.

“What will you tell your cousins next year about this part?” Jillian asked.

“Okay,” Josie said. “One of us frosts a piece, and then the other one decorates it as quickly as possible—before the frosting gets all stiff.”

“Exactly,” Jillian said. “So it’s good to think ahead of time about how you want to decorate. Ready?”

“Ready,” Josie said.

Jillian began spreading the thick frosting over one of the roof pieces. She couldn’t help noticing how Brad floated over from the living room to watch.

When Jillian laid down the big panel of thickly frosted gingerbread, Josie immediately began placing colorful candies on it, starting with larger pieces near what would be the bottom of the roof and choosing smaller and smaller pieces as she reached the top.

“That’s going to be gorgeous,” Jillian murmured as she watched Josie work .

It was strange to feel so proud of the capable little girl, and know at the same time that Josie’s growth meant it was time for her to move on.

Brad moved in a little closer. When she allowed herself to look up at him again, he gave her the crooked half smile that normally would have made her melt.

But there was sadness in his eyes tonight. She was sure of it now.

Whatever was going on with him lately was odd, and she wasn’t sure how to feel about it. But it didn’t really matter. As soon as Christmastime was over, it would all be…

“ Finished,” Josie yelled happily.