Chapter Twelve

August 2, 1817

T homas rubbed his eyes with his fingers then once more focused on the older woman seated across from his desk.

"I beg your pardon, Mrs. Camden but I don't see how my governess is any of your concern." And what was more, this visit was only one of many from a handful of well-meaning matrons within in congregation.

"Quite frankly, Mr. Alderman, there is a growing number of us who are concerned that the woman you hired for your nieces' governess is well… too attractive." When the woman nodded, her two chins jiggled, as did the feather in her bonnet. "Some of us even believe she is naught better than a harlot sent to take you from the church."

"Gammon!" His patience was sorely misplaced. "Miss Hasting is nothing but a proper governess. The children adore her. Yes, her teaching methods might be unorthodox, but they are effective, and I believe the girls will remember the lessons much longer than if they were ordinary." It wasn't anyone else's business.

The woman huffed. "Her teaching methods or how she fulfills her governess position are not what has the congregation inflamed."

Folding his hands atop the desk, Thomas bit back the retort he wanted to make. Instead, he pasted what he hoped was an understanding smile on his face and nodded. "Oh? What is, then? And do be advised that it isn't good for the spirit to listen and perpetuate rumors."

Mrs. Camden clutched her reticule in her lap and leaned slightly forward with worry and anticipation in her expression. "Miss Hasting has always had a… reputation for jumping into scandal with her eyes wide open."

"So do many people, and isn't that why we, as members of the church, should be examples of how to live?" He didn't care for gossip and rumors, and especially he didn't wish to hear Genevieve's reputation cut to ribbons. There was a certain amount of protectiveness in him for her, especially after the time they'd spent together.

"Yes, of course, however…" She lowered her voice. "Miss Hasting is a bit of a fast young woman. She's always seen fraternizing with men in the village, and there is talk of her having a new lover."

Heat crept up the back of his neck, and he hoped she didn't notice. "Is that so?" Dear God, had someone seen him with her? If so, his position would be in jeopardy. But to be fair, Gigi had been an innocent… until he'd taken that from her, so the theory she did have a lover wasn't true.

Unless those rumors referred to him.

"Oh, yes. It seems that girl just isn't content with putting forth a proper image or behaving herself." Mrs. Camdem nodded, as if that settled it. "And since she is your nieces' governess, there is every threat that she will pull you down into hell with her, Mr. Alderman. Something must be done, for there are far too many grumbles within the congregation."

"Meaning exactly what? And remember, gossiping is a sin, Mrs. Camden." No amount of wishing for patience could keep a note of annoyance from his voice.

With a huff, she wagged a finger at him. "Just this, Vicar. It would behoove you to marry rather more sooner than later to quell any rumors that might catch you up into their vortex." She stood and once on her feet, she inclined her chin while Thomas scrambled into a standing position. "Choose wisely, and choose a woman from your congregation, one that is winsome and amenable to most of your parishioners."

"And in the meanwhile?" But he knew .

"Sack the governess, Mr. Alderman, before she passes on her bad habits and questionable ways to your nieces." She marched to the door. "It will be a far greater sin to have the girls' reputations destroyed before they can even start, and them being a viscount's granddaughters too."

There was that, and it was a secret fear that lived at the back of his mind.

"Thank you, Mrs. Camden, for caring about us. I shall ponder seriously over your advice." He exchanged a speaking glance with the housekeeper as he passed her in the corridor while seeing the matron out. Once his guest had departed, Thomas blew out a breath and raked a hand through his hair. "Mrs. Traverse, please see that I'm not disturbed further this afternoon. I have a sermon to finish."

"Of course, Mr. Alderman."

"For that matter, where are my nieces?" There had been a significant lack of noise about the house for the past few hours.

"I believe Miss Hasting had them out to the pond for lessons and then a quick swim before returning home for tea." The housekeeper gave him a slight smile. "Is there anything else at the moment?"

"Unfortunately, no. There is nothing for me except to finish the sermon for tomorrow." With dragging steps, Thomas returned to his study and sat again at the chair behind his desk.

And stared at his sheets of paper spread out on the top while his thoughts ran amok.

What am I to do about Genevieve? Since her arrival into his life and the girls' lives, things at the vicarage had never been as content nor as indulgent. Penny and Lily were happy, for the first time in ever so long. They'd had a bad time of it with their parents and grandparents dying so horrifically, and their grins and laughter had been missing. But ever since Gigi, some of that had returned, and he couldn't fault her for that. She had been like seeing the sunshine after days of clouds and rain.

Additionally, his writing flowed into sermons as if he'd been given new life or a new hope. Never had he felt as energized or as expectant as he did now. Everything seemed brighter merely because of Gigi's presence. How was it possible that the advent of one woman could make such a difference? And a governess at that. To say nothing to the fact that the household ran with peace and efficiency. She'd had an effect on his staff as well, which boggled his mind.

Like with the geese and swans at the pond, humans flocked to her, wished to be in her close proximity. Did she give them a bit of calm as she did him?

He snorted. Well, calm when she wasn't driving him wild and making him as randy as if he were a green youth just setting out in London with his friends to chase skirts.

None of that mattered, however, if having her in his life for any capacity would continue to rile his congregation. As much as he dreaded having to talk to Gigi about leaving her position, he dreaded the fallout more from the church if he let her continue with being a governess. None of it was fair to either of them, but she also didn't deserve to have her reputation ripped to shreds merely out of an obligation to school his nieces. And if his trysts with her did remain a secret, that didn't excuse the fact they had already been as scandalous as people could be and had sinned so many different and delicious ways.

Beyond all of that, taking tea with Geneieve and the girls each day, as well as dinner some days of the week, made him feel more connected to them, made him feel like a father more than he had when he'd first taken the girls in… he felt like he had his own little family, and Gigi was the glue that held it all together.

Except it was her very sullied reputation that made her a horrible choice for a wife. At the last second, he tamped on uttering a gasp. Yes, he was well aware he needed to marry in order to calm the congregation—not that it was a good reason to marry—but at the back of his mind he'd wondered if he and Geneieve might be compatible in that regard.

Would she be a good wife? A good wife for a vicar? He didn't know, but there were obstacles in that path regardless. She wanted a titled man with a fortune and to be a lady of leisure, while he needed a woman by his side who would be as passionate for ministering to his flock that he was.

Yet…

It was an impossible situation, but he'd known that going in, and now with the veiled warning from Mrs. Camden and the no-so-veiled threat from the old vicar, something had to change, and perhaps that meant he needed to start with Geneieve. Unfortunately, that meant asking her to leave, and contemplating a life without seeing her throughout his days.

God help me.

*

"Uh, Miss Hasting, a moment of your time, if you please," Thomas said as tea concluded, and the girls trailed upstairs to their room for their hour of quiet time.

"Certainly, Mr. Alderman." There was a mischievous light in her eyes that would have ushered in expectation, but instead, it fostered unease in the form of knots in his belly. "Your study?"

"No, the parlor is just fine." Hoping he didn't cast up his accounts, he gestured to a low sofa where his nieces had sat during tea. For this undertaking, he didn't wish to have too much space between them. "Since this is a conversation of some delicacy, I'm going to close the door most of the way."

Damn the wagging tongues, though he trusted his staff implicitly.

"All right." A frown tugged at the corners of her mouth. "Is all well?"

"Honestly? No." There was no reason to delay. He moved across the room then shut the door three quarters of the way closed. The return trip to the sofa was accomplished much slower. Once she'd settled onto the piece of furniture, he sat as well. "I have been visited by no less than five concerned members of my congregation in the past day or so, and they have all been quite vocal in reminding me that I had a responsibility to my flock."

Confusion creased her forehead. "Meaning?"

Why couldn't the floor open and swallow him whole? "Meaning they want me engaged quickly, and…"

"And?" One of her blonde eyebrows rose.

Thomas cleared his throat. When his gaze met hers, his chest tightened. "And they are also unhappy that you are my nieces' governess. In short, it seems there are women within the congregation who believe you are too much a temptation and are only here to drag me into hell with you."

For long moments, she remained silent, then huffed. "Did you defend me?"

"I did, within the parameters that I could." He dropped his voice. "No one can know what we are to each other just now." What they could only be.

"Ah." When she wet her bottom lip, far too much interest shivered along his shaft. Emotions moved over her face, but they were fleeting, and he didn't try to read any of them. "You know, Mr. Alderman, it is a rather large failing of humans to judge others. Doesn't the Bible explicitly tell you not to do that?"

"I wasn't the one judging." Not liking her tone nor the overbright look in her eyes, his chest tightened, and his muscles tensed. "I merely mentioned that some of my parishioners were, and I reminded them that gossiping was a sin."

Two spots of color blazed in her cheeks. "Those people don't know what sort of a person—a woman—I am, but why do they automatically think a woman is the downfall of civilizations or the breaking of a man?" She sprang to her feet, which necessitated him doing the same as Geneieve lowered her voice. "And might I remind you that you didn't exactly protest the things we've done together." Her eyes narrowed. "Men never face consequences while women are left watching their reputations and futures deteriorate around them. It's vastly unfair."

How could he rebut that when it was true? He should have called a halt to what was between them after it went past a few kisses, should have been a gentleman and begged off when she pushed for more, should never have initiated that coupling from a few afternoons ago. But all of that had happened, and now he needed to clean up the mess.

"On this, I agree with you." When she began to pace, he followed her movements with his gaze, trying to gauge how annoyed she was. "The society we live in is extremely one- sided. Men, especially those in the beau monde , are never held accountable. Barely a smack on the hand is all we receive, which is another reason why I wished to become a vicar. To try and help within the Church where I couldn't before, even with supporting causes that go against the grain."

"So then, why are we having this conversation?" She turned as she arrived at his desk, and then gasped with her eyes rounded. "Dear heavens, you intend to sack me for behavior unbecoming a governess, a lady of the beau monde , don't you? Because of those rotten gossips in your church."

"I…"

Anger flashed in her eyes. "Because you would rather protect your dratted image of a sinless vicar, protect your church full of Pharisees instead of defending me."

Her knowledge of what the Bible contained and how to apply it to the modern day had his respect for her rising and a grin tugging at his mouth. "While I also agree with you on that count, I did not defend them. It is a sticky wicket to keep a balance between my private life and my church life."

"We are both adults. There is no reason why we both cannot maintain a summer fling discreetly. No one would ever know, and they in fact don't know now." She shook her head. "When it comes down to it, you are a coward, Thomas."

"That I know. It's a failing of mine."

"Don't try to play charming and retiring." Geneieve crossed her arms at her chest. "You don't have any failings."

"I do, and they are things I am trying to work on."

She scoffed. "You are the nicest and perhaps most honest man I've ever known."

Well, damn. "I appreciate your faith in me, for sometimes I don't feel I am worthy to hold this position." How could he let her go? But if he asked her to stay, could he leave her alone? She was good for Penny and Lily. The girls' confidence had strengthened since Gigi came into their lives. "Which is why I'm ashamed to even have this conversation with you."

"Ah." A light of understanding appeared in her eyes. "You are under pressure to remove me from the position." It wasn't a question."

"As succinctly as possible, yes." He shoved a hand through his hair, which was rapidly becoming an anxious habit. "And in many ways, they might be correct, for you are a distraction of the most satisfying sort." Hoping he could charm her, he grinned, but her eyes narrowed further. "But knowing who you are and knowing how much everything has changed since your arrival, I think you should stay." What sort of nodcock was he? This would guarantee he'd lose his position and need to return to London—and his family—in disgrace. To say nothing of disappointing his nieces. Or even losing them if he had no living.

Surprise replaced the annoyance in her expression. "Why?"

"The good you are doing here far outweighs the bad that might come because of it." Of that he was certain. It was the rest of it that flummoxed him.

"You speak from desperation, or from your prick." When she glanced down his body to linger her gaze briefly at the front of his breeches, he couldn't help but shiver. With a tiny sigh, she brought her focus back to his face. "Also, you are under pressure from someone higher up in rank. Retaining me is sheer folly, and you know it."

Thomas nodded, and with every word, his chest tightened and the urge to retch grew stronger. "They believe it looks bad for a youngish vicar to remain unmatched—"

"And you cannot align yourself with a woman who has made it a habit of chasing scandal without regret. A woman who doesn't wish to find herself tamed."

"Uh, I suppose." At least she said it so that he wouldn't need to.

"Ah." Geneieve pressed her lips together. "I understand. I don't agree, but I do understand, and perhaps it's important to show your nieces that doing the right thing for the wrong reason is sometimes the better part of valor." A trace of tears misted her eyes, made all the more evident in the sunlight.

Oh, God.

"I don't think there is any sort of valor involved in this decision." Every inch of him felt the coward she accused him of being. "I am in an untenable position."

"You are, and I wouldn't wish to exchange places for all the coin in the world." She brushed at the moisture on her cheek where a tear escaped. That tiny crystalline drop nearly had him throwing himself on his knees to beg her forgiveness. "As much as I adore Penny and Lily, I will, uh… remain here until such time as you can find a new, more proper governess," her voice caught and a piece of his heart flew into her keeping, "or until you select a suitably devout woman in your congregation to marry." Her chin trembled slightly. "After that time, I shall leave, but I refuse to go without saying goodbye to the girls. They have had enough loss in their lives already."

"Thank you for that small kindness." Admiration for her grew, even as hot panic welled in his throat. "Genevieve, please believe me when I say this isn't what I want." In fact, what he wanted was to take her into his arms, carry her up the stairs, and couple with her until this whole conversation was naught but a horrid nightmare. Once she walked out of his door, he had the feeling he would never see her again, even though she lived just over a mile from the vicarage by way of the meadows.

She tossed her head then raised her chin with all the stubbornness he'd come to realize about her. "Don't make this worse than it needs to be." A note of false brightness clung to her voice. "We both knew what we had was temporary at best. A summer tryst. It passed the time and allowed me to explore more of the carnal side of myself." Though she shrugged, she looked away, pretending faux interest in a bird just outside the window. "Perhaps I was led here for the girls, to give them a bit of confidence and strength to be able to begin the next phase of their lives. I thought it was important to show them there is more to being a young lady than letting society tell them they can only become a wife or mother." Then she swung her attention back to him, and he pressed a hand to his chest where the worst of the pain was. "Perhaps I provided you with the same, but now my time is finished."

"Just as life has seasons, so too does the time with the people in our lives."

"So it is." As she made her way through the room toward the door, she wiped away another tear. "I hope that in the course of you trying to please everyone around you, that you realize you deserve happiness too."

What sort of monster was he? "Gigi, please wait." More than ever, he wanted to kiss her, hold her, comfort her, but it wouldn't amount to anything definitive, for she wouldn't dare wish to align herself with a country vicar and he couldn't afford to marry her.

"You know why I shouldn't." Her voice was hushed, graveled with emotion. "I'm going upstairs to read and then retire early. I suddenly have a megrim and don't wish to be disturbed."

"What of dinner?"

"I'll take a tray in my room if my head is better."

"Very well." Thomas nodded even though everything in his brain screamed at him to stop her, that he needed her for more than just a summer's tryst. "I will keep the girls busy and ask them to stay away. I wish you a good rest."

"Take them out to the pond. They like it there, and even though we already had swimming time today, they can run off some jitters and tire themselves out." Her smile was a watery affair at best.

"I will, and I will say a prayer for you."

"Thank you." Then she was gone, fleeing from his study with a stricken expression on her face as if he'd ordered her to a convent.

As if his knees would no longer support him, he sank onto the nearest chair, planted his elbows on his knees, and then buried his head in his hands. This was the beginning of the end, and suddenly he couldn't bear to contemplate what that future would look like without Gigi's light and personality.

And yes, her penchant for challenging him at every turn as well as her siren's call.