35. Time for a Search

thirty-five

Time for a Search

*FLORA*

W hen I wake up again, Elden is lying next to me, my heart filling with relief that he is here. I swore to myself not to be selfish and not to demand his constant presence, but he is here despite me not asking for him. He is here because he wants to be here, because that’s how much I mean to him. With all the stress going on, he still took time to be there for me.

He stirs slightly. “You are awake,” he mutters.

“I didn’t want to wake you up,” I say quietly. “You should sleep a bit longer.”

“There is no time for that.” He stretches and sits up to take my hand. His eyes are slightly red from being sleep-deprived. I know there is no use in pointing it out to him though, he knows. I know. But there is nothing we can do about it, because his father has worked the pack almost to the ground, and the only reason it didn’t collapse is thanks to the Elders and Elden himself. He can’t just take a break, neither can I. No matter what happens, who we lose and how much we get hurt, we need to keep going.

“I want a big family,” I say into the silence.

Elden looks at me, surprised. “Where did that come from?”

“Just been thinking. One day, I want many children. I know that when having many children there is a danger of neglecting them, but I will make sure to pay attention to all of them. I will also make sure to love them all and be thankful for every day they are in my life.”

“Yes, I want a big family,” he admits. “I was all alone for years. I don’t want my children to have the same experience.”

“We will get through this and then make lots of babies,” I tell him.

“I really like the sound of that.” Elden smiles, nuzzling his nose into my hair. He pauses, pulling back slightly before burying his nose into my hair again.

“What are you doing?” I chuckle.

“It’s just… you still smell the same, but there is something new in it, a hint of something .”

“Oh, right. I met Ersa in my dreams, last night,” I explain. “She comforted me and talked to me. Everything I tell you now is top secret. But, I told her I wouldn’t keep it from you, even if the deities throw a fit. Well, I found out she is my mother.”

Elden stares at me. Just wordlessly stares. He looks at me without saying a word.

“Elden? Everything okay?”

“You are an actual deity?” he finally asks.

“Nah.” I make a dismissive gesture with my hand. “I am just half.”

“Isn’t Ersa Selene’s daughter?”

“And Zeus’s,” I add nonchalantly.

“This is crazy,” he gapes. “I mean, it’s incredible and amazing, but also insane! No wonder you are so strong and have such distinctive powers.” He slaps his forehead. “I knew there had to be a relationship to Ersa, but I didn’t think she’d be your mother!”

He is right. Now that I talk about it, and hear myself say it out loud, it is insane. Suddenly, it also dawns on me why Ersa was so hellbent on making sure I only talk to those I trust, because this is one hell of a secret! A truly dangerous one. But who do I trust? Who would I entrust my life to? Elden and Grandma were the only people I’d name in a heartbeat. Now it’s only Elden. I love my friends dearly, but entrusting them with my life is a whole different story. I take Elden’s hand in mine. “We can’t tell this to anyone,” I say quietly.

“Obviously not,” he backs me up instantly. “This is the secret Hazel kept for so long that she didn’t even share with the Elders. She didn’t tell anyone, not even you.”

“Because I was a child,” I say more to myself than to him. “She was scared I wouldn’t be able to keep the secret.”

“And that others could find out. The more people who know, the more holes there are for information to slip through.” Elden intertwines our fingers, furrowing his brows thoughtfully.

“You are thinking about the attack?” I prompt him.

He looks at me surprised. “How did you know?”

“My thoughts went there too,” I admit. “But no one knows who I am.”

“But they might know about the prophecy or about a mystery surrounding you,” he says. “They don’t need to know all the details to be interested in you. The brooch probably was an old artifact your grandma kept. Maybe they’d heard about it.”

We exchange one more look. “No one can know,” I repeat, feeling how it finally settles in. “Elden, not even Vince.”

“I won’t tell anyone. I am actually feeling uncomfortable talking about it here, right now,” he reassures me. “As for you… maybe one day you will meet someone you trust enough to tell them. This person will be your gamma.”

I let his words sink in. A person I trust that much to share my secret with them? How will I even know that I can trust them? This secret poses to be more difficult than I anticipated. Now that the initial surprise and excitement have worn off, I can feel the gravity of the situation.

And there is something else I need to make sure of.

“When is Calvin returning?” I ask Elden. “Did his class end?”

“He ended it,” Elden explains. “I called him earlier and told him about the attack and he was pissed. He said, he will come back immediately, and make sure the warriors and guards know how to secure pack borders properly.”

“He is a weird one,” I mutter. “But we really seem to need him. He is good at what he does.”

“He is,” Elden agrees. “Do you need something from him?”

“Yes, I want him to find my father,” I explain. “Grandma said he disappeared when I was a baby.”

“And Ersa? Didn’t she know his whereabouts?”

“I think she lost a lot of her strength after giving birth to me,” I say. I am not sure why, maybe she was punished for being in love with a human. “She wasn’t able to reach out to him,” I explain, “because she has no blood connection to him. They also weren’t mates or anything, they were just in love. She told me her mortal body was ephemeral, and giving birth to me made it disappear for real. I think it’s also what made her lose the ability to reach out to whoever she wants. I think she would do it; try to reach out for him, if I asked her, but honestly, I think I should do it myself.”

“I bet Calvin would love to help,” he tells me. “He keeps saying that this is what he is best at. And he dug out Alma within a couple of hours.”

“He had more leads pointing to her, though,” I point out.

“Yeah, it was probably too easy for him,” Elden says. “I bet he will love the challenge.”

“You might be right.” I nod to myself. “I will ask for his help when he is back.” Silence engulfs us again. “She is really gone,” I whisper. “I can’t even grasp it, Elden. I have never imagined a life without her. I thought she would see me-” I swallow thickly, “-become luna, marry and have children of my own. And now she is not here anymore. I never imagined a world without her. She won’t be with me anymore, and I can’t share anything with her, ever again. I don’t know how to cope with that knowledge.” I pause. “How… how did you do it?”

“I am not coping well at all,” Elden answers quietly. “I didn’t read my mom’s letter for years. I tried to ignore my grief and instead just worked and studied as much as possible.”

“Did it help?”

“Momentarily,” he admits. “The truth?”

I nod.

“My feelings change constantly. There are days I am angry that she died… angry at her, at Dad, at Tobias, at me. Other days, I feel guilty for not having saved her. And on other days, I just feel sad. But no matter how I feel, I always miss her. Sometimes I think I don’t, but then something happens, just a small thing; I see or I hear something and I think, I need to tell this to Mom. Then I remember she isn’t here anymore. Some people are so important to you that their presence still lingers in you when they are gone, and it’s so hard to come to terms with the fact that they aren’t here anymore. I don’t miss Mom every second of my life anymore, but whenever I think of her, I do. I don’t think I will ever be over her death, but I believe that’s okay.”

He has never been that vulnerable when talking about his mother. But then, I haven’t asked something like that before. I just couldn’t grasp how it feels to lose someone so dear and close to me. Now I do.

I fight back the tears, taking a shaky breath. “I want to find my father, and I want to know what happened and why he left. I don’t need to connect with him, I just want to know the truth.”

I can feel him brush through my hair with his fingers. It’s such a comforting gesture. “It’s a good idea,” he agrees. “And it will give you closure.”

“Elden, I love you, so please don’t be mad by what I say next.”

“Why would I be?” he says. “You can always tell me what you need to say and how you feel.”

“It’s more that I don’t want you to feel hurt,” I admit.

“Why? What do you want to do?”

“It’s just, I want to do it alone,” I say. “And I don’t want you hurt by thinking I don’t need you or I don’t want you. But I feel like seeking out my father is something I need to do on my own. The one thing I should do myself.”

“I understand,” he says. “Don’t worry. Just maybe take a guard with you, in case you plan on doing some lengthy travel.”

I feel instant relief settle in. He didn’t sound upset at all. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, but at the same time, I feel like I owe it to myself and to Grandma to do this one thing by myself.

It’s only two days later that Calvin returns, and he goes to work immediately. I hate to admit it, but the guy knows what he is doing. The first thing he does is inspect the borders with Vincent and Elden, and discuss with them how to improve them. He is good at spotting blind spots and weaknesses in our system. The second thing is talking to the warriors in person. Good thing he does it together with Vincent, because he doesn’t hold back in his judgment, and in general, people react better to Vince’s approachable nature than to Calvin’s cold one. And the third thing, is to present to Elden, Vince and me what he learned in Paris.

“Man, you really made the best out of that trip,” Elden says.

“It was my job,” he says. “And I think it’s good that I did it. I can’t believe a couple of rogues were able to get past the warriors.”

“I agree,” Elden says. “Our borders are incredibly weak.”

“Good thing you were here, Elden,” Vincent says. “I don’t think it would have ended so well without you and your fast decision-making.”

Calvin looks content at Vincent’s words. “Our alpha proved to everyone how strong he is. I knew he was worth my effort.” When we are quiet, he frowns. “Too direct?” he asks.

“Yeah, I mean… you could try to sound less full of yourself,” Vincent says with a grin.

“Then how about: I knew he would be the type of alpha who is worthy of receiving all the necessary support.”

“A bit better,” I chuckle.

Elden just looks amused. “At least you are being honest, Calvin.”

I wait for the three of them to wrap up their talk completely before approaching Calvin with my own issue. “Calvin,” I say. “I need your dirt-digging talent.”

“You need me to find something or someone for you?” he asks, his head perking up.

“Yes, find my father,” I say.

He takes a small journal out of his pocket and a pen. “Do you know anything about him?”

“His name was Gilbert Robertson,” I explain. “He left when I was a baby. Other than that, I just know that he was part of this pack.”

“Hazel was his mother?”

“Yes.”

“Anything known about your mother? He must have met her regularly.”

There is a tug in me, as if my cells are vibrating, a slightly uncomfortable feeling but not painful. It’s like a warning. I realize, that I am about to share a secret. Ersa’s… Mom’s words come to my mind again about the line between mortals and deities, about their secrets and about my own safety. “No, I don’t know much about her. I don’t think she was from this pack, though.”

“Do you have pictures of your father?” he asks.

“Yes.” I hand him the little folder I had prepared. “Here is everything I could find. Grandma had his pictures in the house, and she’d also told me a bit about him.”

“But she couldn’t find him after he left?”

“Unfortunately, not.”

“Did she try to reach out? Or did he reach out?”

“He did once when I was still very little, but that’s all the interaction I know of. He never tried to contact us again, and Grandma wasn’t able to track him.”

“Do you think she told you the truth?” he asks. Before I can even as much as let out a huff, he raises his hands in defense. “Not implying that Hazel was a liar, just maybe she tried to protect you from something.”

That wouldn’t be the first time. She didn’t tell me about Ersa and where I truly came from, but then she also never made a secret of there being something she couldn’t tell me. I always was aware that Grandma knew more than she would let on, but when she talked about my dad there was just pain and worry on her face. “She truly didn’t know a thing,” I say.

“How sure are you?” he asks. “70%? 80%?”

“100% certain,” I say.

“That’s a lot.”

“I know.” I look at him insistently. “But I knew her better than anyone else did. She hid things from me, but my father wasn’t one of those things.”

“Then I have no reason not to believe you,” he agrees. He taps his lips with his index finger. “This should be fairly simple,” he says, as usual, full of his calm, slightly arrogant confidence. For once however, I find it reassuring. “Well, not as easy as finding the true mate of Elden’s father, but not the most difficult task either. I was burning for a little challenge, anyways. Consider it done, Luna.”

I smile at him. “Thanks, Calv.”