6.

What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

One requires tweetment, and the other requires an oinkment.

Text from Tama'i to Amethyst

T AMA'I

I looked up from the paper I was holding and studied the young woman in front of me before I asked, "If you like tigers, then why don't you just get a portrait of one instead of writing the word out like this?"

"Oh! That would be cool if you could put a little tiger with his name!"

"With whose name?"

"My boyfriend. His nickname is Tiger."

"Hmm," I said as I looked back down at the paper. "How long have y'all been together?"

"It will be three months tomorrow!"

I heard Pearl clear her throat and saw she was biting her bottom lip as she slowly shook her head.

"How old are you again?" I looked back down at her information sheet and read the details as I said her name, "Tiffany. You're barely eighteen."

"I know."

"Tattoos are forever. You know that, right?"

"Yeah."

"It's your body and ultimately your decision, but I'd be an asshole if I didn't point out that it might be a little soon in the relationship to start inking each other's names on your skin."

"But I love him."

"And I love mangos and papayas, but I don't have them tattooed on my body," I pointed out.

"As if you don't have anyone else's name on you," the young woman scoffed. She looked over at Pearl and saw the scrolling font on her bicep and said, "She's got a name tattooed on her!"

"I do. It's my grandmother's name, and do you know why I have her name on me?" The girl narrowed her eyes, and I smiled before I said, "Because I'm absolutely positive, without a doubt, completely sure that she'll always be part of my life."

"My tattoo is my daughter's name," Pearl said cheerfully. "Also a relationship I will have until my dying day."

"Now, I know you're pissed because you don't like for people to tell you what you can and can't do, and you've got your heart set on getting ink today. I get it. I really do. And, even better, I really want to give you a tattoo today. However, I'd rather give you one that you can be proud of in six months, six years, or sixteen years from now. I do not want to give you a tattoo that you might regret."

"Does he have your name tattooed somewhere visible on his body?" Pearl asked.

"No."

"Okay then. My suggestion is that you and . . . Tiger?" The girl nodded, so I continued, "Make an appointment with me today to come into the shop and celebrate your five-year anniversary. When you come in together, I will ink your names on each other free of charge."

"You will?"

"Absolutely." I stuck my hand out, and she took it. As we shook on the deal, I asked, "Is there something else you might like to get a tattoo of this afternoon?"

"Can you do something on my toe?"

"Your toe?"

"Yes. I want a toe ring."

"That is definitely something I can get behind, Tiffany."

It didn't take long at all to give her a tattoo she could enjoy for years to come. She'd be much happier with that than she'd be if she looked back in six months and wondered what the fuck she was thinking when she got a guy's name inked on her body. Once she was gone, I started cleaning my station for my upcoming appointment and found Pearl watching me.

"What's up?"

"That was very noble of you, Tiny."

"I don't know about noble, but it made sense."

"That too," Pearl agreed. "What would you have done if she had insisted you tattoo his name on her wrist like she wanted?"

"I would have told her to find a different artist and sent her on her way. What would you have done?"

"The same thing."

"If she finds me in five years, I'll honor her and Tiger's wishes and ink the fuck out of ‘em, but until they've got some miles under their belt together, I'm not touching anything like that."

"A lot of artists out there would have just done it and taken her money."

"That's why you've got me here and not some random artist you found on Craigslist."

"Obviously, we got lucky when we found you," Pearl said cheerfully. "Bonus points because you're not a total asshole."

"Well, thank you, Pearl. I think you're a sweetheart too."

"I didn't go that far," Pearl said with a grimace. "By the second day your nephew was here painting the wall with a Q-tip, I knew your soul might be a little darker than I'd first thought."

"You can tell by the look on his face that he's not exactly a beam of sunshine," Stone said as he looked up from the drawing he was working on and smiled at me. "No offense, Tiny, but you give resting bitch face a whole new meaning."

"It keeps the smart people away."

"What about the dumb ones?" Stone asked.

"There's something about me that makes them flock to me in droves. Before I know it, they're talking about sunbeams."

Opal burst out laughing, and Stone grinned. "Okay, you got me on that one."

"You and my sister are gonna make a great couple," Opal said as she leaned a little closer and smiled. "How's that going?"

"I prefer to keep my private life separate from my professional one, which will be very difficult considering she's basically related to everyone I've met since I moved here."

"We're not blood relations," Stone pointed out.

"But you're family all the same." When Stone nodded, I said, "My new boss has known her since she was born, Pearl is her sister, I've got an appointment with each of her siblings and her parents to give them matching tattoos . . ."

"Oh, I love that idea. I can't wait!" Pearl interrupted. She glanced over at Stone and said, "Onyx is pissed because he has to wait a year to get his."

"Technically, your parents can sign off on that."

"Texas law says the only legal way to tattoo a minor, even with their guardian's consent, is if you're covering up an existing offensive or drug-related tattoo."

"True, but . . ."

"You can do it if he really can't wait, but I can't risk it. I've got years left on my parole, and I'm not going down for a misdemeanor."

"You say that like there are things you'd do even if it risked your parole," Opal said without looking up from her sketchbook.

"Of course there are. I'd repeat the exact scene that got me sent to prison if I needed to without a moment's hesitation." I could tell by the look on their faces that they were dying for me to elaborate about the crime that got me incarcerated, and since it was easy to find with a simple Google search, I didn't consider it a secret, so I said, "I beat a man half to death. My sentence was twenty years for attempted manslaughter, but I got out after nine and have to serve the rest of my sentence on parole."

"Did he deserve it?" Opal asked.

It didn't give me any satisfaction to admit, "He earned every single scar I gave him."

"Well, none of us would dare risk being the reason you have to go back, so my baby brother can wait until he's eighteen to get his tattoo."

"I like that idea," I agreed.

"You're really not going to tell me how things are going with my sister, are you?" Opal asked.

"I'm about to meet her for lunch. When I get back, you can text her and get the scoop."

"I was already planning on it."

The next hour was spent gathering up what I'd need for my afternoon appointments and taking care of some final details after my move. By the time I left the shop to meet Amethyst, I was more than ready for a dose of sunshine and glad she'd chosen a place with outdoor seating.

I spotted her the second I pulled into the parking lot. She was sitting at a picnic table twirling one of her braids around a finger as she scrolled through her phone. She frowned at the screen just as I made my way to her.

"When you said well-lit and populated, you weren't kidding," I joked. When she looked up at me, I asked, "I'm not late, am I?"

Amethyst's smile was almost blinding when she said, "You're not!"

"I was raised in a military household where ten minutes early is considered late."

"Tardiness is one of my pet peeves," Amethyst admitted as she started to stand.

I put my hand out to stop her and said, "If you'll give me your order, I'll get our food while you save our table."

"That's sweet," Amethyst said as she sat back down.

Once she'd given me her order, I got in line. I was pleasantly surprised that it didn't take long for them to make our food even though I'd ordered my usual amount, which sometimes posed a problem at food trucks. I carried the trays back to the table and then sat across from her as she stared at everything I'd brought with wide eyes.

"Is someone joining us?" she asked.

"I'm hungry."

"Is that a basket full of hamburger patties?" When I nodded, she asked, "Do you have a gluten sensitivity?" Before I could answer, she exclaimed, "No, because you've got some . . . oh! You got the diablo shrimp taco!"

"I got three of them just in case you want a bite or two."

"I'm glad you don't mind sharing."

I laughed uncomfortably before I said, "When we were eating with your family the other night, I don't think I had much choice."

"It doesn't bother you, though, does it?"

"It's not my favorite thing," I admitted.

"We really only do that when we're eating takeout so we can all have some of everything," Amethyst assured me.

"We do the same sort of thing in my culture, but we don't eat off of other people's plates. If you're having dinner at someone's house, you take a bit of everything offered so you don't offend the host."

"That's not really the same thing at all," Amethyst argued. "

"I'm just not used to it."

"I'll leave your food alone."

"I don't think I'll mind sharing with you."

"But not the rest of my family."

"I'm quickly coming to realize that it's going to take some time for me to adjust to the way your family is involved in each other's lives"

"If this lunch goes well," Amethyst insisted with a sly grin.

"Exactly. We're still in the trial phase. I get it."

"Well, you're a quick learner seeing as how you bought me a taco. I can resist most types of bribery, but tacos . . ." Amethyst hummed in pleasure before she said, "Tacos are a currency all their own."

We took the food from the trays, and I tried not to be embarrassed when she ended up with one basket and I had four, but a few minutes later, I was glad I'd ordered plenty because she'd forgotten her proclamation that she wouldn't take food off of my plate. I couldn't help but smile as I watched her savor a hamburger patty that was covered in melted pepper jack cheese. I didn't think she'd need one, so I had only brought one fork, but that didn't stop her. Watching her lick her fingers was enough to make me think I might always forget utensils just to see that show again and again.

"You know, this isn't bad at all. I prefer my burgers with a bun, some condiments, a few veggies, and enough grilled jalapenos to set my soul on fire, but this is simple and delicious."

"Generally, I don't eat this kind of protein, but that's all they had."

"What do you usually eat?" Amethyst asked before she started to take another bite of the patty. Before it touched her lips, she said, "Please say steak. Please say steak."

"I want it thick-cut, medium rare, with lots of garlic butter and a good sear."

"You're singing my song," Amethyst said with a groan. Once she'd finished off her patty, she said, "Can I tell you something that not many people know?"

"What's that?"

"I always order more steak than I can eat so I have leftovers for the next morning."

"That's reasonable.

"And then I stand in front of the open refrigerator and devour it cold, ripping it apart with my teeth like a caveman."

I imagined her doing that and nodded. "I've never considered that, but now I have to try it."

"If your cholesterol is high, you should probably eat less fatty meat and increase your soluble fiber intake."

"I only eat like this after specific workouts."

"How often do you work out?" The way she was looking at my arms made me wonder if she was about to take a bite out of me, and the thought made me smile.

"Six days a week, but I only do intense workouts three of those days."

"Do you run?"

"Twice a week."

"I'm training for a mud run with a few of my sisters and some of my cousins."

"That's good."

"No, it's not. I'm a firm believer that the only time running should be necessary is when the ice cream truck is getting away or I'm being chased by an axe-wielding psycho."

I burst out laughing before I asked, "Then why are you training for a marathon?"

"Because Pearl said I was a lard ass who couldn't keep up."

"She said that?"

"Those weren't her exact words, but that's what she meant," Amethyst hedged.

"My sister and I were never really competitive with each other, but neither of us are willing to back down from a challenge either."

"Have you talked to her about the problems your nephew is having in school?"

"He's an asshole at home too. It's not just school." I wiped my mouth and pushed the remnants of my lunch aside before I said, "He's an all-around ray of fucking sunshine."

"Because he misses his parents?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure that's the problem. I know he misses them, but this isn't the first time they've been deployed at the same time. I think he's just pissed that they put me in charge and didn't leave him with Tutu instead."

"But your grandmother lives with you, doesn't she?"

"Yes. She's lived with Kiki since she divorced her first husband, and that's not going to change even after my sister retires. They're having a cottage built for her at the edge of their property."

"That's nice. Will you still live with them after your sister and her husband come home for good?"

"God no," I said with an exaggerated shudder. And then, without even thinking about it, I clarified, "The only children I'm ever going to live with full-time will be my own."

"You want children?" Amethyst asked as she reached over and plucked a shrimp from my basket.

"Of course. Family is important, and children are a divine blessing." I thought about it for a second before I shook my head and added, "I think that falls by the wayside when they become teenagers, though."

"I guess your nephew has been a real handful."

"I left him at home with Tutu today because she had chores for him to do around the house. Hopefully, he won't be disrespectful to her, but I'm not really holding out much hope."

"What will happen if he does disrespect her?"

"When I go home this evening, I'll find him cowering in the corner with his thumb in his mouth, rethinking every bad life decision that got him to that place."

Amethyst burst out laughing and said, "Your tutu sounds an awful lot like my gamma. She doesn't have to lay a hand on you - although she will if it's warranted - for you to know you've messed up."

"This morning, Kai said something to me over breakfast that gave me a little insight into why he doesn't respect me as the matai with his parents gone."

"Matai?"

"The leader of the family."

"What did he say?"

"When Tutu said he needed to get his shit together or he'd end up in trouble with the law, he said, ‘Then I can be just like Uncle!' It's not any secret that I've been to prison, but I've never had anyone in my family throw it in my face so blatantly before."

I was surprised that Amethyst didn't ask about the crime I'd committed that landed me in prison. Instead, she said, "Obviously, you've served your time, so there's really no point in bringing it up."

"You don't seem to care at all."

"I know that whatever you did isn't something that would put me or my family in danger."

"How do you know that?"

"Because if that were the case, then Hawk wouldn't have anything to do with you."

"Are you close to him?" I asked. "How exactly are you related?"

"Our moms are sisters, and our dads have known each other since they were kids."

"And your fa'a is large? I remember Hawk talking about his family and saying that there were too many people to count."

"That's true, especially considering that my mom and Hawk's mom, Summer, have so many kids between them. That's not even counting my aunts and uncles on my mom's side or my aunts and uncles on my dad's. Hawk has even more than I do, and that's saying something."

"Are you close to the rest of your family or just your siblings?"

"I'd say we're pretty close. As a matter of fact, I work with two of my cousins, two of my uncles, and one of my aunts."

"Really?"

"Spruce is my uncle."

"He is?" When Amethyst nodded, I said, "I met Spruce at Dub's wedding when I sat at the table with him and his brother and sister. They're a hoot."

"My gigi had two sets of kids. My mom belongs to the first set she had when she was very young. Spruce, Terran, Jewel, and Petra are part of the second set that she had years later."

"Your mom said you were one of her bonus kids."

"I think it's cute when she calls us that. She and Dad adopted us when I was just a toddler. Our birth mother is Dad's sister, so we're his nieces genetically, but he raised us as his daughters."

"It's good that your family takes care of each other."

"Like you're doing for your niece and nephews?"

"Of course. Since they were born, it has been my job to look out for them, and that will never change . . . even when they're little assholes."

"That's true in my family too. Even though I want to choke them out half the time, there's not a chance I'd ever let anyone else do it."

"That's how it should be."

Amethyst looked down at her watch and grimaced. "I hate to eat and run, but I really should get back to the office. I've got a full schedule this afternoon."

"Thank you for having lunch with me. Can we do it again soon?"

"I'd love that."

"Have I proven myself yet so that you'll let me take you on an official date?"

"Isn't that what this is?"

"You know what I mean."

Amethyst made a face before she asked, "By official date, I hope you don't mean that you'll be taking me somewhere that I have to dress up because formality is against my religion."

"Good because I don't want to go anywhere that I'm not comfortable, which means I'll never take you somewhere that requires me to wear a tie."

"No country club dates then. I'm fine with that."

"So, that's a yes?"

"Yes, Tama'i. I'd love to go on a date with you."

"Can I pick you up at seven on Saturday and wow you with my entertainment choices?"

"I can't wait."

"Neither can I."