5.

How many times do I have to remind you ladies to keep my name out of your mouth? I just got a text from Mom, and I want you to remember that pregnancy hormones have been successfully used as a defense in a criminal trial.

Group text from Emerald to her sisters

A METHYST

"It's becoming a day," I said as I walked past the nurses' station toward the bathroom.

"Technically, it's been daytime since the sun rose this morning, so you'll have to be more . . ."

"Terran, I've had to pee for the last hour, and if I have to stop and argue with you, I'm going to pee on your shoe."

"What makes you think I'll stand still when you start to pull down those horrific scrubs you insist are something a medical professional should wear?"

"Wait right there while I go to the bathroom. I might have time to choke you with your tie before they bring my next patient back," I threatened.

"Nope. You've got a patient in Exam Four," Matilda Duke, one of our newest RNs, said as she breezed past me on her way to the supply room.

I glanced at the monitor and said, "Where's the info?"

Matilda shook her head and said, "There isn't any."

"I kind of need to know what I'm walking into here," I said testily.

Matilda pulled her lips between her teeth before she said, "Trust me on this, Amy. I'm pretty sure this is going to become Roscoe's appointment, but they did ask for you. Either way, I'm gathering what I think you may need right now."

"We have protocols for a reason," Terran said grumpily.

At the same time, I said, "Who is it? What's going on?"

"Go pee before you have an accident," Terran ordered.

Usually, I wouldn't appreciate being told what to do and would shoot back a sarcastic retort, but since I had abandoned my path toward the bathroom to go toward the exam room, I realized Terran was right. I needed to take care of myself, which wasn't something I always did very well, so I could focus on my patient.

By the time I came back out to the desk, True Stoffer, my best friend's little sister and one of our nurses here at the clinic, had a stack of papers for me to sign - mostly referrals and a few prescriptions that couldn't be called in to the pharmacy.

I walked into the exam room and was shocked to find my brother there with a young woman I didn't recognize. He looked terrified, and she was crying as she clutched at his hand so tightly that his nails had gone completely white. Suddenly, my heart dropped when I remembered that Matilda had told me this was going to become Roscoe's case, which meant this young woman was going to need an OB/GYN.

"Oh, great googly moogly, Lazlo," I muttered as I shut the door behind me and then leaned against it as I let my head fall forward with a sigh. I stared at the floor, bracing myself for the answer, as I asked, "Honey, when was your last period?"

"No! It's nothing like that!" Lazlo said urgently.

I looked up suddenly and asked the girl, "You're not pregnant?"

"Oh no! I could be!" the girl cried before she sobbed loudly. "Oh my God. What have we done?"

I heard my brother gulp, and then he got so pale that I was afraid he might pass out, so I used my foot to push the rolling stool his way. "Sit down before you fall down."

Lazlo sat down with a loud thump, never letting go of the girl's hand, which he probably couldn't anyway because she had such a tight grip.

"Before I ask too many questions, I need to know how old you are," I informed the young woman, who, now that I was a little calmer and able to focus, I could see wasn't quite as young as I'd originally thought.

"Jesus, Amy! What sort of man do you think I am?"

"I'm a pediatrician, numbnuts. I have to assume that if she's here to see me, she's under eighteen, which would become an entirely different conversation, considering you're twenty-two."

"I'm twenty-three, Amy."

"Excuse the French toast out of me, little brother," I said sarcastically.

"I'm twenty-seven," the woman said proudly. With an airy giggle, she said, "I'm a cougar, huh?"

"Rawr," I said before I thought better of it. "Okay, that means I don't have to call your parents, but that doesn't explain why you're here. Tell me what's going on."

"I lost it," Lazlo mumbled.

"Lost what?"

"The condom."

I pinched the bridge of my nose as I tried my hardest to maintain a professional demeanor. I was having a difficult time considering this was my younger brother, and I'd rather walk barefoot through Walmart than imagine him having sex. However, I knew this situation was probably going to become comedy gold . . . someday.

"Did it fall off or . . ."

"It broke and part of it . . . Well, it ripped I guess, and all that was left was the top part . . . The ring, you know?"

I cleared my throat before I got myself together and asked, "The top part that you roll down to the base of your penis?"

"Yeah, that part," the woman confirmed. "That was all that was left. I saw it on there right before he started freaking out."

"And you can't find the rest of it?"

"No."

"Did you try?"

"Yeah. So did Lazlo." My brother's head dropped in embarrassment. Suddenly, the girl wailed, "What if it's way up there? What if it's in my intestines?"

I blinked a few times and wondered if this woman knew anything about her reproductive organs, but then the realization hit me that there was a distinct possibility she wasn't talking about her vagina in the first place.

"Oh, sweet baby Harambe on a moped," I muttered to myself before I asked them, "Were you having anal sex?"

"No!" she replied with a horrified look on her face. "Why would you think that?"

"Okay. Alright," I said as my heart started beating again. I put my hand up to calm her down before I explained, "Your intestines are in no way connected to your vagina, so that's not going to be an issue. However, if there is a foreign object inside your body . . ."

"It's not a foreign object," she argued. "It's just a condom."

I stared at my brother so hard that I was sure he could feel it. I knew he could when he closed his eyes tightly and said, "Just say it, Amy. I know you're thinking it."

"Look at me, Lazlo," I said menacingly. When he finally opened his eyes, I looked deep into them in the hopes that I'd suddenly develop telepathy since I obviously couldn't lose my shit in front of this strange and very, very ditzy woman. "Do you really know what I'm thinking right now?"

"That I will owe you until the day that I die," Lazlo said painfully. "Just fix it, Amy. Believe me, this morning has been an eye-opening experience, and I have seen the error of my ways."

"Are you on birth control?" I asked before I suddenly realized I didn't even know this woman's name. "Hold on. Before we get into all the specifics and stuff, let me introduce myself. I'm Amethyst, this guy's sister."

"But you're black!" the woman exclaimed in confusion.

"I am? Are you sure?" I asked sarcastically. I looked at my brother and asked, "Does Dad know?"

I almost lost it when the woman nodded but managed to hold it together as I looked from the woman to my brother. I raised my eyebrows at Lazlo, and he winced.

Finally, he looked at the woman and said, "Now is not the time to discuss my melanin or lack thereof. Yes, Barbie, Amethyst is my sister."

"Barbie?" I sputtered.

"How does that work?" she asked.

"How does what work?"

"Your skin is very dark, and his isn't."

"Our mom didn't leave him in the oven long enough for him to become beautiful melanin perfection like the rest of us," I answered sarcastically.

"Your mom put you in the oven?" she asked in shock. Finally, she scoffed and giggled, "Of course she didn't put you in the oven. She must have meant you were premature."

"Speaking of premature, please, for the love of all that is good in this world, tell me that you realized the condom was ripped before you finished." Lazlo nodded, and I let out a relieved sigh before I asked her, "Birth control?"

She smiled brightly before she said, "I totally forgot I have an IUD."

For a second, I thought I heard angels singing, but then I realized it was just someone laughing out in the hallway.

"Can you just get it out?" Lazlo asked. "Please, Amy."

"Can't do it. That's Roscoe's area of expertise."

"Amy, come on! Don't bring Roscoe in here."

I smiled at the woman and said, "Roscoe is another doctor in our practice, and he just happens to be our cousin. Don't let his skin tone shock you."

"Amy, please," Lazlo begged.

"As a pediatrician, I haven't been trained in condom search and recovery, so I'll have to leave that to the professional."

"I asked to see you so that no one else would find out."

"I know you did, but it's not shameful that the condom ripped, Lazlo."

"That's not what I'm ashamed of," he said through gritted teeth.

"At least you've got that going for you, little brother."

As I pushed away from the door and started to turn and reach for the handle, I said, "I think Uncle Terran should come in for a consult too."

"Why do I need two doctors?" Barbie asked.

"Oh, no, honey. Terran's a neurologist, and I think that when he hears about this case, he's going to want to do a scan of Lazlo's head and see if there's anything in there."

"Do you think the condom went up into his penis?" Barbie whispered in horror.

"Not that head, honey. The other one."

"You have gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" I exclaimed when I saw Ethan, a tow-headed little boy who had an adorable dimple in each cheek when he smiled at me. I looked at his mom and said, "I guess I don't need to ask you about his appetite!"

"It amazes me how much that boy can eat," his mom said in exasperation.

"Prepare to be amazed for the next twenty years or so then because my parents are still in shock about how much my brothers can pack away, and they're almost all adults now."

As I did the well-check on the toddler, I asked his mom about milestones that he'd met so far and others he might still be working on and was surprised when she kept interrupting me with details concerning the various bruises and scrapes on his legs.

"And I think he got that one when he tripped on the way out to the car, but I'm not sure. To be honest, I'm not sure about a few of them, but I just want you to know that no one gave him those bruises. He's really an . . ."

"Active little boy who is going to crawl up on any and everything and then jump off of anything that is still long enough for him to fly," I interrupted. I handed the little boy a tongue depressor and started a game of swords to get him comfortable with the object before I let him take mine away so he had one in each hand. I quickly pulled another one from my pocket and unwrapped it so I could look into his mouth while his hands were full and he was entertained. What I saw was concerning, so I asked, "When he eats, does he ever have any problems?"

"Oh my gosh, yes! I have to cut his food into pieces so small that it's almost mush. Otherwise, he gobbles it down so fast that he chokes."

"Has that been happening for very long?"

"A month or so. It started right after his last growth spurt. I just figured that he was trying to pile on the calories so he could outgrow the clothes and shoes I just bought."

"That's probably part of it, but I think there's more to it than that."

"You do?" his mother asked in alarm. "What's wrong with him?"

"I think his tonsils missed the memo that said they could take a break occasionally. They're way too large for his body."

"What does that mean?"

I kept one hand on the toddler's knee to keep him still as I leaned to the side and pulled the rolling tray closer so I could use my free hand to work the mouse. I quickly scrolled through his patient file and then frowned, wondering if I'd missed something when he was here six weeks ago for an ear infection - the latest in a string of infections that he'd been having since he was an infant.

"What's wrong? Why are you frowning?"

I knew better than to admit I might be at fault, so I said, "In looking at his chart, it seems like he's been having ear infections since he was about seven months old."

"Yes. Almost monthly!"

"I think his tonsils might have something to do with that."

"Okay, so how do we fix them?"

I turned back so that I was facing the little boy who was picking up on his mother's anxiety and starting to fidget. I booped him on the nose with my pointer finger and then poked his fat little belly. Finally, he smiled at me, and when I did it again, he giggled.

I looked at his mom and said, "He needs to have his tonsils removed sooner rather than later."

"Okay. Can you give me a referral? My insurance requires one and . . ."

"By sooner, I mean today."

"What?"

"His airway is too narrow for me to safely let this go any longer. I'll make some phone calls and see which one of my associates has time for the procedure."

"He needs emergency surgery?" she asked as tears filled her eyes.

Her son sensed her distress and started to tear up, too, so I booped his nose again and got him to smile as I said, "Emergency is a big, scary word. In this case, I'd rather just say that for his health and safety, I'd feel better if you let me get this taken care of today. While you get him dressed, I'll make some calls and get everything in order for you."

"Oh my goodness! Did I do something wrong?" She gasped and then said, "All those times I told him to chew his food better so he wouldn't choke, it was really his tonsils? I'm horrible!"

"No, no, no," I said as I reached into my pocket and pulled out a handful of lollipops. I held them out and gave him his choice as I said, "If you had a medical degree and looked into his throat and then said he just needed to chew better you'd be horrible. But we're both doing just fine because neither of us did that." I held my hand out toward her, and without thinking, she picked up a sucker and pulled off the wrapper. I dropped the leftovers into my pocket and then opened his before I gave it back to him. "While I'm working out the details, I need you to call someone that will be able to sit with you during the procedure. They're probably going to want to keep him overnight, so you'll need to plan for that, too, just in case."

"Okay," the woman said before she sniffed and put her lollipop in her mouth.

"You know what? It's been a rough few minutes for both of you, and I've had quite the morning myself," I said as I pulled the lollipops out of my pocket again. I opened one and put it in my mouth before I extended my hand toward the mom. "I think this is definitely a two-sucker day, don't you?"