Chapter Twenty-One Price We Pay

Chapter Twenty-One

Price We Pay

Days merged into weeks, shunting Lee into almost a month of solitary confinement.

He only ventured out of his flat to stock up on essentials, then returned and closed the door on his life. Messages and calls clogged up his phone. The only ones he answered were from Eddie. They were mostly Eddie showing him where he was, sending selfies of him next to another place he was auditioning or from photo shoots, or being interviewed. He looked happy. But a photo didn't capture what was going on behind it. Especially if the words he then sent late at night were anything to go by. Lee only responded by sending a heart or one word replies that couldn't be read as anything more than what they were—him trying to maintain a distance while desperately wanting to cling on .

One beeped through as he dumped his phone on the ledge between the kitchen and living room, and searched for something in his fridge that wasn't beer or mouldy lettuce. He peeked around the door to the phone, screen facing up, and banged his temple on the edge.

I miss you one heart followed by a broken heart emoji.

This was torture. Eddie was there. Right there . Calling to him. Telling him he was thinking about him. And Lee was here, like this. Shutting himself off from everything. Living like a hermit. Not bothering to find a job or do anything he'd once enjoyed. He'd not been to the gym since America. And he gorged on beer and whisky most nights, along with shovelling in microwave meals meant for a family of four. None of those would get him back in the game. Career or otherwise.

He slammed the fridge door, staring at the message but too scared to open it and let Eddie know he'd seen it. Because if he did, he'd have to reply. And it was midday. Too early to crack open the Jim Beam and give him the confidence to say what he meant rather than simple one liners to acknowledge Eddie's attempts at keeping their American dream alive.

A knock on his door rescued him from having to decide, and he trampled through the mess still lingering in his flat to the door. Being top floor meant he didn't get many cold callers, but often had delivery drivers turning up at the wrong place as the numbers were missing from the doors. But when he opened it, he blinked back the vision of someone he wouldn't expect to trample up several flights of stairs.

"Cora! What are you—" He couldn't finish as Coco barked and whined, jumping up at him as Cora held onto the chocolate brown cockapoo's lead. "Hey, girl, hey." Lee ruffled her ears, stroking her and crouching to allow her to lick his face. He laughed. Something he hadn't done in a long time. "Missed you too, girl." He then fell to the floor, lying down for her to trample all over him, barking and slobbering onto his face.

A pair of very nice stilettos stepped by his head and Lee peered up to the legs poking out of a pencil skirt. The work attire belonging to his ex-wife. "Thought she might cheer you up." She unsecured Coco's lead.

Lee ruffled Coco under her belly, then rolled from beneath her and stood. Cora had already schlepped through to the living area. Lee trotted after her, Coco weaving between his feet, tongue and tail wagging, panting up at him for the treat of his attention.

"Jesus, Lee," Cora stopped, hands on hips. "You moved out months ago and you still haven't unpacked?"

"I've been busy."

Cora arched one beautiful brow. She then made her way through into his kitchen, opening the fridge.

"Can you not—"

Cora slammed it shut, glaring at him as Lee's phone buzzed on the ledge. Lee launched for it, but the screen lit up with the message and Cora peered down as Lee's hand slammed over it. It was a new message. From Eddie. Cora might not have seen the name or the words, but she would have glimpsed the emojis.

"You're not on the apps, are you, Lee?"

Lee tucked his phone in his grey jogger's pocket. "No."

Cora splayed a hand under her neck. "Thank God. They're all trollops on that thing."

"Aren't you on them?" Lee knew she was. It wasn't a question .

Cora shrugged, then filled a bowl with water and crouched to put it on the floor for Coco. She stood. "If you want to have her, you'll need to get her a bowl, at least."

"I thought you said I couldn't have her because I was in a flat. No garden."

Cora sighed, then tilted her head, glancing around Lee to where Coco had made herself comfortable on his most occupied chair. "I was hasty. She misses you."

"I miss her too."

"Good." Cora smiled. "Then you can keep her for a couple of days, as I need to go out of town."

"Now? I can't. I don't have any food—"

"Not right now." She fished out her phone, acrylic clapping on the screen which was her no doubt adding reminders to herself. Organised and meticulous was Cora. The complete opposite to Eddie's fly by the seat of his pants mentality.

"Where are you going?"

"Oxford." Cora stepped out of the kitchen and perched on the armrest of the chair Coco was curled up on. She stroked her head.

"Your sister?"

"David's away for work again. Said I'd help her with the children." She glanced up from Coco. "I'll order you a Waitrose delivery."

"You don't need to order me anything. I can do my own damn shopping."

"Lee, your fridge has Budweiser and a lettuce breeding new life. What are you even eating?" She flicked her gaze down him, the loose joggers low on his hips and bare upper half nothing she wasn't used to seeing. But there was temptation in her eyes. A lingering look. Attraction hadn't been their issue, though.

"I don't need you to mother me, Cora. "

Cora rose from the chair, tilted her neck and edged closer to him. "I heard what happened in America."

Lee remained still, easing his pulse to a normal rhythm. Cora meant the kidnapping. And not where his mind always went when thinking about America.

"You saving Eddie like that." She rubbed his arm, then squeezed. "Must have been difficult after everything."

"It wasn't easy."

"Are you seeing anyone?"

"What? That's none of your business."

Cora removed her hand from his arm. "I meant a therapist. The Met provided you with unlimited access to their pool of counsellors."

"I don't need it."

"You're not talking to anyone else. Why not a complete stranger?"

"Cora! For fuck's sake." Lee stepped back in frustration, raking two hands through his hair. "We're divorced. You didn't want this." He indicated to himself. "You handed me my marching orders. I went. Why are you here doing all the shit you said you hated doing when we were married?"

"I haven't stopped caring about you, Lee. That doesn't switch off. I worry about you. You don't answer messages. You don't take calls. No one sees you out."

"Who would see me out? I moved away from our circle of friends because you couldn't have me near you."

"That's not fair."

"No, it's not. It's true though. We moved to Chigwell so I could be closer to Ru. Then you bought me out of the house and told me to go somewhere else."

"Because I couldn't see you around all the time. It would hurt too damn much. "

"Yet here you are! I've kept up my end of the bargain that you drew out in the divorce papers. I've given you everything you asked. Lay down and let you walk those heels all over my back. You can't claim hardship now."

Cora turned away, tears welling in her eyes. Lee inhaled. Exhaled. He'd gone too far. But this was all so fucking frustrating.

"Who texted you?" Cora asked the wall.

Lee fluttered his eyes closed, exhaling out a weary, "What?"

"Who's sending you hearts?" She turned back to him. "Are you seeing someone?"

"Once again, that is none of your business."

"You can tell me. I won't break down about it. I want to know who's in your life. If you're getting happier. That you are at least trying to live . I need to know you're okay. Only then can I move on."

Lee softened. His initial reaction to Cora being here taming. She cared. He shouldn't discard that. There might be a time when no one else would. He had to be honest with her.

"It's complicated."

Cora drew in a breath, as if she hadn't expected her own reaction. "In what way?"

"It just is. It's difficult. Messy."

"Like we were?"

"Worse."

Cora snorted. "Common denominator?"

"Absolutely."

"You never did like boring."

"I'd give my right arm to have this be boring." Lee shook his head. "It doesn't matter how I feel. It can't happen."

"Why not? "

"Because it can't."

Cora squeezed his arm again, then peered over to Coco snoozing on Lee's chair. "Y'know," she turned back to Lee, those sultry brown eyes falling on him as she chewed on her bottom lip. "We never got to have break up sex."

Lee held her gaze. "No. We didn't."

"We could. I mean, if this other woman isn't taking you to her bed. I could."

Oh, wouldn't that be easy? To fall into something that had once been thunder and lightning, then the calm after the storm. Something he knew how to do. Who he was and could be.

Cora edged closer, lips forming into a kiss. Lee grabbed her arms, easing her away. She deflated. "I'm sorry, Cora."

Cora smiled, defeated. She then whistled to Coco and she jumped down from the chair. Cora secured her lead. "It's fine. I only wanted to because being satisfied now will stop me from falling into bed with my date later."

"You have a date?"

"Yeah. We have been matched."

"Thought you said they were all trollops on those apps."

"We are. All desperate trollops trying to recapture our youth." She clucked her tongue. "Come on, girl." She pulled Coco to the front door and opened it, Lee following behind to give a few more strokes to his cockapoo. "You're okay to have her, then?"

"Sure. I'll get some bits for her today. When?"

"I can pop her round early Sunday. Unless you wanted to take her from Lori's remembrance?"

Lee's heart jolted.

Cora cocked her head. "You didn't forget? "

"No. No, I didn't forget." How could he?

"Good. I'll see you there." She wrapped the lead around her hand. "Rupert needs your support. You know that, right?"

Lee waved her off, then shut the door. He banged his forehead on the back before sorting himself out and falling into his armchair. Silence engulfed him. It had been quiet before, but it was as though Cora and Coco's visit had made him realise how removed from the world he'd made himself.

He fished his phone from his pocket, opening it and thumbing into his photo roll. He then flicked through the photos he'd uploaded of Eddie from the ones he'd sent to him. That led him into the few he'd taken in America. From the flight over LA to the sunset dipping down on Death Valley. The lights of Las Vegas. Then the couple he'd taken of Eddie in secret. Him beneath the pristine white cotton sheets, naked and sedate, beautifully fucked.

He clicked out. Opened Eddie's latest message, the one after the I miss you text.

Do you miss me?

Lee sank into his chair.

Yes.

Yes, he did.

He wanted to type that out but fear had such a grip on him, his fingers were useless.

* * * *

It took forever for Sunday to come and Eddie tinkered on his keyboard for the days leading up to it, composing a song he was to play at his mother's remembrance. As much of a tradition as the family and friends gathering at the local pub, Eddie's song would be expected. But he hadn't written anything new in a while. He'd used to spend endless hours writing songs when his mum had been alive, then play them to her so he could see her smile and the spark in her eyes despite her inability to move or speak. But after her death, he'd not had much to sing about.

He did now, and the words fell from his lips with minimal effort, having formed in his heart.

When Sunday arrived, Eddie played the song to himself in his room until he felt someone watching him and turned on his stool, fingers halting on the keys. "Dad."

Rupert was there, leaning on his door frame, arms folded over his grey suit, no tie and open at the collar, a sappy smile on his face. "Missed your singing echoing through this house."

Their open plan style living space meant the acoustics were pretty good. Eddie pushed away from the keyboard. "We ready?" He tugged down his suit jacket, paired with a white shirt but over dark denim jeans and his dress shoes. He could do smart when the event warranted it.

"Yeah. Liv's spiralling her hair, says she'll be a minute."

"Which means ten."

"She's her mother's daughter."

Eddie breathed through his smile. Olivia was back from Newcastle for the university break to attend Lori's remembrance. She'd arrived late last night, crawled into bed and hadn't woken until Rupert had banged down her door. Eddie hadn't even seen her yet. So much for all those messages clogging up his phone asking if he was okay. He was. Physically. And that had sufficed enough for her not to bother checking in on him yet .

Eddie grabbed his phone and checked the display before shoving it into his inside jacket pocket. Nothing from Lee. Not that he expected it. He'd asked if he was coming today and hadn't received any reply. Eddie assumed the worst. Lee wouldn't be there. Eddie's I miss you text had pushed too far and Lee was choosing to stay away from everything.

Guilt clawed at him.

But he couldn't do a damn thing about it, as he was required to be here. With his dad. With Olivia when she finally rushed down the stairs to greet them both, her tousled locks making her look more and more like his mum. "Ed!" She leapt into his arms and he spun her around before placing her back on the ground. "Been telling everyone at uni that my brother is starring in a Hollywood movie! None of them believe me."

"It'll be out next year." Sands of Love was in the post-production stages, Mitch sprinkling the glitter to make it shine. Following that would be months of marketing before he'd be summoned to the glitzy red carpet premiere. After that, Eddie's life might change. He had a fanbase now. A large social media following. And was recognised in the street or out and about by those who watched him on the soaps. But his face splashed all over bus stops, tube stations and on the side of Leicester Square's Odeon Cinema, might elevate all that.

He was both excited and apprehensive about it.

"Right, kids." Rupert flicked the keys around his fingers. "Let's go."

Held every year at their local pub, Lori's remembrance was the event on the Wild Goose's calendar. Having been such a huge part of their lives, the landlord of the large corner plot, which boasted a sweeping beer garden with small duck and fishpond, always ensured the place would be closed for everyone to gather and pay their respects. With enough friends and family to warrant the lock-in, Gareth had no qualms about closing it to the public for one day a year.

Eddie inhaled a sharp breath as he entered the pub, treacherous eyes scouring the heads to find the silver locks belonging to Lee. His heart sank when he wasn't there. Olivia bounced off to greet a bunch of her old school friends and their families. Rupert was hauled into handshakes and sympathetic pats on the back, leaving Eddie to stagger to the bar.

"Hey, Eddie," Graham, the pub landlord, greeted him with his usual sympathy. "How you holding up?"

"Not sure I am." Eddie leaned forward on the bar. "Get me a whisky. Neat."

"Jim Beam okay?"

"Sure." Eddie had to be subjected to handshakes and hugs by those popping in after that. None were the ones he wanted and his gut sank each time, and when Graham returned with his glass of Jim Beam, he nursed it exactly where he was. Everyone would understand. It was his fucking mother's remembrance.

"Don't tell me he rubbed off on you?"

Eddie flicked his gaze to the side, then stood straighter as Cora smiled at him. She pointed to the glass.

Eddie held it up, taking a sip. "Have always been a whisky drinker."

"Neat? At your age?" Cora scoffed. "Thought you kids were all into mixing it with something or other."

Eddie shrugged, then noticed the dog panting at her feet.

"You met Coco?"

"Not officially." Eddie tickled the top of the cockapoo's head, receiving a lick. "She's cute. "

"Like a teddy bear. Lee's meant to be taking her off my hands for a bit." She glanced around. "But not sure he's here yet."

"Did he say he was coming? Have you seen him?" Eddie winced at how desperate he sounded.

"Couple days back."

"How was he?"

Cora rubbed her lips together and Eddie couldn't control the thudding of his heart, a mixture of needing to talk about him, hear about him, and the utter dread that she would say they'd fallen into bed together and were giving it a second go.

But then she said, "Miserable."

Eddie's malicious heart leapt at that.

"Did he meet someone in America?"

"What makes you ask that?" Eddie hid himself behind his glass of whisky, downing some. Here he was, a Hollywood actor, and he was having trouble masking a simple facial reaction.

"Something he said. That there was someone, but it was complicated. He hasn't left the flat in days. I figured it had to be someone in America. Hence the complications."

Eddie wasn't able to respond, as his dad sidled up beside him, rubbing his back, then dipped to offer Cora a kiss on her cheek. "Cora, nice to see you. Thanks for coming."

"Of course. I miss her."

"As do we all."

They fell into an awkward silence until Rupert broke it by rubbing along Eddie's shoulders. "Everyone's been asking if you'll play today?"

Eddie inhaled. Most remembrances, Eddie had blessed everyone with a song on the piano. Usually one he'd sung to his mother for everyone to shed a tear. He didn't want to do that today. He was too raw. "I don't know, Dad…"

"What about that new one you were singing earlier? It doesn't have to be about Mum."

"No." Eddie couldn't. "No."

Olivia jumped up to him out of nowhere then. "Oh, go on, Ed. Make us all cry!"

Eddie scanned the room. Lee still wasn't there. He downed his drink, nodded and weaved through everyone to the piano in the corner, lifting the fallboard. He sat, cracking his knuckles, tilting his neck from side to side, then glanced up at the photo perched on the top of the piano. His mother. Maybe this could be him letting her know what happened. Confiding in her.

He let his fingers do the work, tinkling out a simple tune that tugged his heart. The pub chatter subsided, and many gathered around him to listen. Eddie closed his eyes and sang. It was a simple tune. Nothing hidden within poetry. His heart on his sleeve, baring his soul at how much he missed someone. People around might think he was referring to Lori, if they hadn't deciphered the bedsheets and entangled limbs part. And Eddie sung, pouring his heart out in earthy tones to a room filled with everyone his family had ever known about how he had fallen. Fallen deeply. And the fear that he wouldn't ever have that person's arms around him ever again. That he wasn't needed anymore.

He stopped, the onlookers waiting a moment before applause rang through gasps of sniffles and Eddie twisted on the stool to face them all. His lips parted, heart jolting, when among the crowd, right at the back, stood Lee. Watching him. Eddie blinked as if seeing a ghost and his heart thrashed, drowning out the applause. Eddie had to look away, because if he didn't, he feared he'd cry in front of everyone. He darted his gaze to his dad. Rupert had his brow furrowed, hands mid-way to applause as he peered over his shoulder, over the horde at Lee.

Lee ripped his gaze from Eddie to offer a reluctant wave to Rupert. Then Cora approached him and Eddie lost him to his cockapoo, everyone else returning to their groups, talking and chatting as if the world hadn't just imploded.

Rupert turned back to Eddie. And for an excruciating moment, Eddie thought his dad might know something. Because he didn't move. As though he was working something out in his head. Then he made his way over to Lee and Eddie remained where he was, desperate to calm his thrashing pulse. He looked up at the picture of his mother, said his silent prayers, then rose from the stool.

Family and friends swept Eddie up with congratulations about his recent film, asking what he was doing next, telling him how proud Lori would be if she were here. Eddie kept peeking over to where Lee was and each time he'd find his eyes on him. It was like a heavy weight. A tight lasso ringing itself around Eddie's neck. Lee's zip ties, clasping around him and dragging him toward him. But when he finally untangled himself from the various relatives, Lee was gone. Vanished.

Eddie's heart sank.

He wouldn't. He wouldn't leave . Not without saying something? Eddie pulled out his phone to check any messages. Nothing. He clambered across the bar toward his dad, who was midway in a conversation with one of his work colleagues. Eddie waited, body thrumming with the need to butt in and ask where Lee had gone, but then through the window, a staunch figure under a cloud of hazy smoke in the beer garden caught his attention .

Eddie scrambled through to the back exit, shunting open the door to step out into the darkness. He shivered. It was cold, his jacket not designed for the near-freezing temperatures, but his internal quakes were for this moment. For edging toward Lee. He must have heard him and he spun to face him. Eddie's heart leapt. Pounded in his ears. Desperate and dangerous, he crept closer.

"Hey," Eddie said, breath blowing out condensation.

"Hey." Lee tucked his hands in his jeans pocket, head drooped. "I'm sorry, I—"

Eddie rushed forward, raised up on his toes to grab Lee's face, and kissed him. He had to. Had to check for himself. When Lee's arms circled around him, drawing him close, and he deepened the kiss, Eddie knew. Knew Lee had to feel the same deep, unhinged longing for him.

Eddie lowered down to his feet, Lee's forehead on his. "I miss you," Eddie said. " God , I miss you."

Lee kissed him. "I miss you too. So much I can't breathe most days."

"Oh, Lee…" Eddie gripped his neck. "I was so fucking scared ."

Lee tightened his arms around him, as if holding him safe. He probably thought Eddie feared the ghosts. The haunting memories of being in the car boot. Of his kidnapping. His potential fate of being driven to his death.

None of that kept Eddie awake at night.

"Scared of what?"

"That you'd forget what we had." Eddie swiped his forehead over Lee's. "That you wouldn't ever talk about me like you don't talk about that other bloke. That you don't need me anymore."

"Eddie, ba — "

A door clanged open behind, voices filtering out from inside, then slammed shut and shunted them into foreboding silence. Eddie jolted away, twisting to find his dad staggering out of the pub, mouth agape.

"Dad—"

"He's been miserable all week," Rupert said, voice shaking and glowering straight at Lee. "I put it down to what had happened. But I knew there was something more. Then that fucking song." Rupert waved a fierce hand at the pub. "It's about you ." He glared at Lee as he edged closer. "Isn't it? You and him?"

"Ru…"

"What the fuck are you doing, Lee?"

"I can explain."

"Can you?" Rupert challenged with wide, savage eyes. "I'm all fucking ears!"

" Dad !" Eddie wedged himself between the two of them and he could feel Lee's warm, quaking breath on his neck and how close he was. He wasn't backing away because Rupert was there. Eddie supposed he couldn't deny it if his dad had seen through the window. But it didn't make him okay with any of this. Not with the way Rupert was glaring at him.

"Go inside, Edward." Rupert's focus remained on Lee. "I need to talk to Lee."

"Don't fucking full name me. I'm not twelve."

" Inside !"

Eddie jolted. As did Lee. Rupert never raised his voice. Not even in a courtroom.

"Dad, this invol—"

" Now !"

"Go, Ed." Lee squeezed Eddie's hip, lips grazing the shell of his ear. "He's right. We need to talk. Me and him. "

Reluctantly, Eddie did as he was told. Because Lee asked him, not his dad. And he left Lee and Rupert glaring at each other through the darkness as if it were swords at dawn.