Chapter Seventeen Grandest Canyon

Chapter seventeen

Grandest Canyon

It wasn't only Eddie who was trouble, though.

Lee himself was in trouble. Tons of it.

Stood on the sidelines of yet another location, this time within one of the larger casinos along the strip, closed off and ready to shoot whatever scene this was in the bizarre film that was part of Eddie's crazy life, he had to watch Kyle sidle up to Eddie and put his hands on him.

Again .

Hot blooded rage surged through Lee and he tightened his arms in their fold to prevent having to march through the scattering of cast and crew and pummel the man to the ground.

He'd never been jealous before. There wasn't any need for jealousy. If one of his past girlfriends, or a woman vying for that spot, flirted with someone else, then that wasn't his beef. If they wanted to make him jealous, that was another story. That meant he wasn't in it as hard as they were. As a result, he walked. Or, more likely, they did when he didn't flash his muscle to prove whatever it was they wanted validating. He'd never been jealous of Cora's time spent with her way more intellectual colleagues in the legal world. He'd gone to the parties. The work drinks. And he'd stayed by her side with his beer or neat whisky waiting for it all to end, often found in a corner at midnight, then marched home to the spare room.

It hadn't always been like that. Once they'd had a good sex life.

Until sex became something she used as leverage.

But right then, watching Kyle whispering in Eddie's ear, leaning into him, hand on his arm as they conversed while waiting for Mitch to call action stations, Lee choked on his jealousy. He couldn't hear what they were saying. Disallowed within those parameters, having fucked up enough to not even warrant as much access as he had, he couldn't make demands to be there. He was helpless on the sidelines. And jealous .

Because Kyle could be open. Kyle could give Eddie want he deserved if Eddie allowed him. And for once in his life, Lee couldn't shrug that away as if he didn't care about it.

How the fuck had he ended up here?

What was this all about?

Why did he want Eddie so much?

He'd never needed to call Rupert more than he did right then. He hadn't told Ru about the man up the mountain. Not through shame, nor fear of what Rupert might think, but because it hadn't been significant enough. This thing with Eddie, though…oh, boy, was it significant . In all the wrong ways. Lee yearned to call his best mate and ask him if he was crazy. If all this was a reaction to his life tumbling out of control and him grasping at something to keep him from falling into the darkness. He'd also have to ask whether this intense craving, heart burning envy, was the marking of something more profound. He'd ask him if that's how he'd felt about Lori.

But he couldn't call Rupert. He couldn't even tell Rupert. How could he?

He had to swallow it.

And he swallowed it for days. And days. And days.

The nights, Eddie swallowed it. Well, him .

Because he and Eddie had fallen into some semi-comfortable rhythm reminiscent of his early days with Cora. When Eddie's hectic schedule allowed, they ate together, showered together, then climbed into bed together. As if they were a couple. And there, one or the other would initiate something. He couldn't say with all honesty it was always Eddie, either. At the ripe old age of forty-nine, Lee had uncovered an insatiable sex drive he'd thought was a thing of the past. Eddie was young. Up for it. Several times a night. And whilst Lee wasn't in his prime anymore, with Eddie, he was desperate to prove himself. His cock found its way into Eddie's mouth, grasped in his hand or clamped together with Eddie's as he rutted them to a climax of a night. Then Lee could explore Eddie at his leisure, leading him to multiple orgasms. Lucky bastard. Oh, to be young and have that ability again.

Eddie had stuck to his word, too. He hadn't asked Lee for anything. There'd been no talking about what was happening. He was…letting it.

It was good. Strange, but good .

And with each night passing, Eddie peeled away parts of Lee he'd hidden behind thick skin and fierce duty. The parts he'd suppressed under piles and piles of uncertainty.

He also slept.

On the one occasion he had jerked out of sleep, a recurring dream of Stanley's eyes pleading with him as his lights went out, forcing him from the peace he didn't deserve, Eddie was there. Kissing him. Holding him. Telling him it was okay. And Lee fell back to sleep. Content and comforted. Not burdened or ashamed.

Las Vegas shooting was ending, though. Today, if it went to plan. Mitch's plan. Then location shooting was done, and the rest of the film was to be shot back in LA at the studio. After that, it was a wrap. He and Eddie flew home.

Lee's chest closed in, the thought of returning to normality smothering him.

Mitch called, " Action !"

And Lee watched Eddie merge into someone else before his eyes. Almost without effort. Destined for stardom, Eddie was a great actor. His vulnerability shed in front of the camera. The layers he had. The walls he built up. The complex man Lee had both known and not known at all became someone else. As if a bubble surrounded him and nothing could penetrate it until Mitch yelled "Cut!".

Shot after shot. Kiss and laborious kiss with Tiffany and Lee's nightmare ended. The location ended. The cast and crew scattered around. Eddie gave a few handshakes, kisses to cheeks, received a few pats on the back before trying to scamper through the set to Lee. He was, as he had always been each night, stopped by Kyle. And Eddie, as every time before, shook his head with a smile, with a promise unfulfilled, and wormed his way back to Lee.

"What did he want this time?" Lee asked as Eddie approached him, arms clasped into a fold.

"Me." Eddie grinned.

"When we leaving?" Lee eyed Kyle cleaning up the equipment and tilted into Eddie. Consciously. Subconsciously . It didn't matter. No one really knew. No one could tell. Lee glued himself to Eddie for safety reasons. Not for anything else. It wasn't because he smelled good. Nor because he couldn't help himself from wanting to touch him. Or was so wrapped up in him, it was dangerous.

"Soon as." Eddie ruffled out his hair, ridding it of the spray and products that kept it in place for him to be Joel. "We have a couple nights before we have to be in LA for the studio shoot."

"Couple nights off, eh? What we gonna do?"

Eddie arched an eyebrow. "I can think of a few things."

"Bet you can."

"One, I want to see this Grand Canyon. Not doused in petrol and set on fire."

"I'd recommend a chaperone then." Lee got out his phone, checking the distance. "All right. We can do that. Probably a few motels on the route."

"And I want to see Mum's old neighbourhood." Eddie skated past him toward the exit, where all the cars were piling up outside the casino to take the cast, crew, and equipment off to various places.

Lee watched Eddie saying his goodbyes, chest closing in. Eddie wanted to see his mum. Lori. Rupert's Lori. The girl he had helped Rupert claim as his own .

Eddie was a byproduct of that drunk, ecstasy-fuelled night.

And here he was, fooling around in bed with him.

He was going to hell for this.

* * * *

Within half an hour, all cast and crew were on the road and Lee was back in the driver's seat of the Jeep, Eddie in the passenger side, the artificial glitz of Las Vegas fading in the rearview mirror. The sprawling road out front felt like Lee's life. Unknown. Foreboding. Aimless .

He lost Eddie to his phone, Lee to his thoughts. It wasn't awkward. Just…deliberate. The unspoken between them stretched on like the desert they navigated, patches of rugged vegetation breaking the monotony of the arid expanse, like the occasional chortle from Eddie scrolling through his social media, interrupting their shared silence. There couldn't be much signal, so Lee guessed Eddie was using his phone to avoid needing to talk . Lee had seen him chug a couple of his pills as he did when he needed to switch off his bursting energy. But Lee had to acknowledge how different things were between them since Vegas. And if what had happened there would continue elsewhere.

Lee left him to his phone, unable to talk either as he took the US Route 93 toward the Hoover Dam and the terrain beneath the tyres grew more rugged, the road twisting to keep him occupied, along with the glimpses of jagged cliffs and distant mountain ranges. Then Eddie clutched his phone in his lap, chewing on his thumbnail as he gazed out of his window. Still silent. Still lost in thoughts Lee wanted to both shake free and beg him to lock them inside as they approached the dam, Colorado River cutting a serpentine path through the canyon below, its waters shimmering in the piercing sunlight.

Eddie's voice drifted over the engine. " Hot dam ." And his lips rose into a smile as he turned to flash that beauty at Lee.

Lee snorted, sailing the car across the top of the dam, its massive concrete walls holding back the mighty river. "Have you waited all car journey to say that?"

"Yep." Eddie waggled his phone. "Been tracing the route."

Lee chuckled and continued along the winding road, entering Arizona. "Dick head." He couldn't help his heart fluttering, though, at how simple things could be with Eddie.

Things relaxed after that. Settled into an easier rhythm. Eddie laid his arm along the seats and tickled the nape of Lee's neck as he drove. Lee liked it. More than liked it. And he eased back into his touch, a low hum of appreciation, smiling at him. His reward in Eddie's grin was as stunning as the distant mesas rising from the flatlands, red and orange hues vibrant against the clear blue sky. Lee's chest eased. Fluttered . As if everything that caused him pain left his body with each slide of Eddie's fingers along his neck, and each mile they left behind them. The scenery transformed as the highway led them away from the desert. Almost like how Lee could leave his fears and worries behind to spend this time with Eddie. To explore what had him captivated by it. The air outside grew cooler and fresher, filling up with an earthy scent of pine needles and the faint hint of wildflowers and towering Ponderosa pines flanking the road, the dense foliage creating a canopy to filter sunlight into dappled patterns on the asphalt .

It was exhilarating.

Freeing .

They were leaving everything behind to be… them .

Without all the mess that came with them.

After two and a half hours of driving, they approached the South Rim of the Grand Canyon. Eddie shifted forward in the seat, hand falling from Lee's neck to clutch his knee as he pushed forward to glimpse the landscape opening up before them, revealing the awe-inspiring vastness of the canyon.

"Fuck me," Eddie said.

Lee found a scenic overlook vacant of any other cars and he slammed on the brakes.

"I didn't mean now," Eddie said, splaying a hand on his chest in mock chastity.

Lee rolled his eyes. "I wanna see this too, y'know." He killed the engine, and they got out of the car to take in the view.

Lee whistled. The canyon stretched out before them, a colossal chasm, layers of red and orange and brown rock descending into the earth, colours shifting subtly with the angle of the sunlight. Far below, the Colorado River wound its way through the canyon, a thin ribbon of greenish-blue amidst the rocky expanse. Lee stood shoulder to shoulder with Eddie, silent and calm, taking in a view that rendered them speechless. Still. Motionless. As if the canyon had captured their breath.

Lee peeked at Eddie beside him. His lips parted, eyes darting across the landscape below, swept up in its sheer magnificence.

"It's breathtaking," Eddie whispered.

Lee agreed. Although it wasn't the view that had stolen his air. It was Eddie. He knew it. He couldn't deny it. Not to himself. And he gazed at the canyon, knowing this thing with Eddie would cause as much damage as those ancient seas, volcanic eruptions and relentless erosion had on the rock below.

Without the lasting beauty.

"Makes me feel like an ant."

Lee dropped back to lean against the Jeep. "Are you saying the Grand Canyon reminds you of an ants' nest?"

"No." Eddie slapped him on the arm, then perched next to him. "Like, insignificant. As if I'm a tiny dot in the world."

"We all are."

"Yeah. I know. But we all strive to be something, right? We're all lost in our tiny little worlds, scrabbling to be something. But it doesn't matter in the end. Not really. Not when there's this."

"What doesn't matter?"

"What any of us do. No matter what, the world has already made its plan. Nothing we do can change it."

Lee folded his arms, biting his lip, and gazed at the canyon. At the awesomeness of it. Eddie had a point. Maybe they were all slaves to destiny. As they'd said before, had the world made it for Lee to be here with Eddie? Was it inevitable between them?

"I think we all have our purpose," Lee said. "We're all a cog, yeah. But we each have a job."

"Yeah?" Eddie looked at him. "What's your job?"

"Right now, it's making sure you don't end up at the bottom of that." Lee nodded to the canyon. "Doused in petrol or not."

"But why is that important? Why shouldn't I end up at the bottom of that? If that's what the world wants."

Lee held his gaze. "Because you'd be missed. "

Lee couldn't let himself say any more and he ripped his gaze from Eddie's lips, which were forming a smile as he drank in the view.

Eddie broke first. "Would you miss me?"

"I'm not letting anything happen to you."

"What about when this little American dream of ours is over?" Eddie wasn't looking at him, choosing to speak to the ditch.

Lee willed the breeze to carry away the question and for the canyon to swallow it whole. But it didn't. It hung between them, vast and expansive like the cavern below and heavier than all of Lee's past put together.

He bowed his head, scraping his trainer on the gritty rock. This was the conversation they'd avoided. The one Eddie had said they didn't need to have. Yet here they were.

He couldn't lie. "Yes."

Eddie lifted his face to the sky, the sun blazing down on him. "I'll miss you too." He sighed. "Too fucking much."

Lee couldn't respond. There wasn't anything he could say to ease the situation. The world had made its plan. They had to follow it.

"You've sort of filled my own great, big gaping hole." Eddie circled a hand around his heart. "The one I have here."

Lee assumed Eddie was talking about his mum. The void she'd left inside him since her death. Lori was always there in the walls. In the photos Rupert kept around the house. In everything Eddie was and is. Escaping that couldn't be easy. Lee had lost both of his parents already, but they'd been old. Had good innings. And their death had been quick. Painless. Lori's life had been cut short, and she'd been imprisoned in her own body for the years leading to her end. Lee hated Eddie was going through all that loss so young.

"Do you believe people die for a reason?" Eddie's wistful musing sailed over the unsaid. About how Lee was aiding Eddie to heal.

"Everyone dies."

"You said everyone has a purpose in life . Maybe their death serves a purpose, too? I'd like to think Mum's death meant something. Dying pointlessly hurts too fucking much."

Lee drew in a sudden breath, as if he'd forgotten how to keep to the regular rhythm of inhale, exhale. His chest closed in. Caved in. And he tried hard not to think about those eyes. Those pleading eyes. Begging him.

But the ethereal bangs. Shots. Smoke and chaos seemed to ricochet off the canyon walls and Lee had to remind himself that he wasn't there . He was here . At the Grand Canyon. Quiet and subdued.

With Eddie.

He choked.

Digging his thumbs into his eyes, he couldn't stop the noise. The unbearable noise .

"Do it, Lee! Do it!"

"Lee?" Eddie's hand clutched his arm.

"Shoot him!"

How long had he zoned out for this time? How long had he been back on that bridge making the biggest mistake of his career?

He shook himself out. "I'm fine."

Eddie's fingers tightened around his arm. "No, you're not."

Lee met his gaze. "Are you trying to break me?"

Eddie swallowed. "No."

"Then stop asking. "

"I'm not trying to break you, Lee. I'm trying to know you."

"You already know me."

"Not what's in there." Eddie poked Lee's chest. "Or here." He kissed his temple and Lee could have wept at the intimacy.

"It's not good in there."

Eddie glided a hand up Lee's neck, urging him closer, and kissed his temple again and again. "I don't care. I still want to know."

"You don't."

"There's nothing else in this entire fucking world I want more than for you to talk to me."

"Talking doesn't change what happened."

"No, but when I talk about Mum, it eases the pain from thinking about her. Try it. Talk to me."

"It won't bring Stan back. It won't give a wife her husband back. Nor three kids their father back." Lee fell down the rabbit hole then.

Tumbling, tumbling, he lost himself in the memories. In the grief. The everything. Tears fell of their own volition. As if they'd been there all along, waiting on the surface for the right moment to shed. He didn't even make a sound. They just fell, forming tracks down his cheeks, and Eddie kissed them. As if they were his to own. And he smoothed his hands up Lee's back and drew him in, lips to his ear.

"You're right. It won't bring him back. But this isn't about him. It's about you." Eddie clutched Lee to him. "You're here. With me. And not there, wherever you don't want to be. If you talk, you'll realise that."

How? How was Eddie this intuitive? Why was he the one who Lee fell upon and let him take his burden when he'd had too much of his own to contend with? Was it circumstance? The world's plan? Or something deeper Lee couldn't face. Not when all he could recount were his failings.

"I hesitated. I fucking hesitated."

It all tumbled out. All that he'd tried to prevent with his sorrow. He'd spent the past two years desperate to forget. But the floodgates had opened. The box lid torn off. The weight released. Because Eddie carried it too.

Lee fell to the ground, knees to his chest, and Eddie was right there with him. "What happened?"

"The bridge." Lee fought for air. "I hesitated on the bridge. Fuck ." He closed his eyes, reciting the events as if he were watching them. As though he was explaining to his superiors. The inquiry. "Three targets, armed, stabbing civilians. Four already confirmed dead. Many more injured. Orders were shoot to kill. Standard response. It's what we're trained for. Get the targets. Leave everything else. No matter who's on the ground. But Stan…" Lee choked, tears rolling, snot and saliva congealing his words. "Fucking Stan ." He sniffed, wiping his arm under his nose and Eddie held him, hand gliding up and down his neck as Lee poured it all onto his willing shoulder. "There was a kid. A fucking kid on the ground. Stab wound to his stomach. Fuck knows where his parents were. Could be dead. Could be past the line. But it didn't matter, he wouldn't make it. Stan wouldn't leave him, though. No one else could get on that bridge until we got the targets. Stan, fucking Stan …I guess all he saw were his kids' faces and he couldn't leave him. I told him. Yelled at him. Ordered him to keep moving. As soon as we apprehended the targets, the kid would get help. He knew there wasn't time. He refused. We had eyes trained on two. One missing among the chaos. Two shots. Two dead. We needed the third. When I turned to check on Stan, he'd been pulled off the kid by the third man. Knife at his throat."

Lee broke down. Convulsing as he sobbed and Eddie held him.

"I had a line of sight to take him out. But that kid was there, watching, howling and fuck …" He spluttered as if he couldn't get any more air in his lungs. "I waited too fucking long."

"Oh, God, Lee ." Eddie held him as Lee broke down, crying through the harrowing memories. "It's not your fault."

"It was, and it is. Shoot to fucking kill. Don't hesitate. Now all I see in my dreams is Stan pleading with me. His eyes . Shit scared and begging me to end it. And I fucking hesitated. "

"But you got him."

"Too fucking late. The knife sliced his throat as if he was nothing but a piece of fucking meat. Bled out on the ground."

Eddie kept quiet, allowing Lee to work his way through his trauma. To cry. Remember. Hate himself all over again. Eventually, he got himself under control and Eddie let him go, scrambling to sit beside him on the ground, propped up by their Jeep and gazing out at the most marvellous of natural wonders.

"I'm so sorry, Lee," Eddie's voice sailed over the silence. "You're a hero and the Met putting you under scrutiny for hesitating to kill someone in front of a kid was wrong."

"Any officer who shoots a gun has to be investigated, whatever the outcome. But…fuck, Cora had just miscarried and I…fucking hesitated ."

"But to put you on leave. Make you go through counselling. Tell you you're not fit for duty… "

Lee lifted his head. Waited for a beat. "Did your dad tell you that?"

Eddie chewed on his lip and waited far too long to answer with a dismissive, "If that makes you feel easier about all this."

No, it didn't. The proceeding events after the bridge were classified. His name hadn't been released other than the photos of him and his team in the papers as the ones to have apprehended the attackers. His breakdown, followed by the internal investigation into his actions, was hushed. Rupert had known, because Lee had needed his advice when handling the suspension, then the psychological assessments that had led to his diagnosis of PTSD and the insistence he take early retirement. The Police Federation supported him through the process, as they didn't allow external representation, but Rupert had been there, in the wings, holding him through it all. Rupert wouldn't have divulged any of it to his son, though. Which meant Eddie had researched .

The why hit him harder, though.

Eddie linked his arm in with Lee's and rested his head on his shoulder. "Death fucking sucks."

Lee dropped his head on Eddie's and they stayed like that, huddled together on the ground, fighting their own demons. Once Lee found the strength, he rose off from Eddie and Eddie lifted his head and they lost themselves in each other. In their shared pain. Their mutual understanding that life hadn't gone their way, and how they were left to pick up the pieces of broken promises. Lee couldn't help it. He was drawn to Eddie. It was a marvel like the one they sat beside. And he kissed him. Eddie deepened it, hands clutching Lee's face as his tears fell, until a car pulled up behind theirs, an elderly couple getting out to snap the view .

Lee pulled away and Eddie stood, hauling Lee up with him.

"Don't know about you," Eddie said. "But I say we find our own motel here for the night, then do a leisurely drive back to LA, stopping again tomorrow."

"If that's what you want."

"What I want is to hold onto you," Eddie whispered. "A little longer. If you'll let me."

Lee did let him.

At the Red Feather Lodge a ten-minute drive away where they got a room, one double bed, ordered junk food, closed the curtains and ate, kissed, stroked and cuddled, talking about things that mattered, things that didn't matter until they fell asleep in each other's arms.

It was nice.

So fucking nice.

Soul saving.

And the reason why Lee was in so much trouble.