Chapter 13

"A me, you've got a visitor," Tony warns me as I load up the tray with drinks. I glance over towards the door and sigh. He found me somehow apparently.

I finish loading the tray then lift it, making my way back to my tables, giving the guys there my flirty look that would spell more tips in my pocket. I'll need them if I'm going to get all my stuff moved back from New York.

"Amelia, what the hell are you doing here?" Rafe demands and I ignore him as I head towards another table to check up on them. He continues to follow me, and I finally stop when we reach the back corner and turn around to face at him.

"I'm working, so please leave unless you're here for the show," I state and the way he looks at me starts to pull at my resolve.

"Damn it Ame, I've been looking for you all day. Your parents are worried sick thinking you were in an accident in some ditch. Maggie is frantic because you told her you'd be back and you're not…you didn't come back. Do you know what that did to her? Do you even care?" he questions, his eyes narrowing on me.

"Does it matter?"

"Does it matter? Of course it matters baby. Shit Ame, when your friend showed up, we all started to worry more. It finally hit me that if you ran, you'd have run here…but why? Why the hell didn't you just tell me?" he asks, his tone softening a bit and that makes I hard to hold my resolve.

"Tell you what?" I ask truly not sure what he was talking about this time.

"Tell me why you're so scared of loving me," he states, and I shake my head averting my gaze from him.

"I'm not and I don't."

"Yes, you do baby. Harrison told us you went to see him yesterday, but you left quickly, and he wanted to give you some room before trying to finish explaining. No one knew what he was even talking about, baby. Not one of us knew that you'd met someone and lost them when you were sixteen. Why keep it to yourself? Why hide it from your parents back then and me now?"

"Why does it matter?" I counter. The softness in his gaze tugs hard at my heart, makes me want to give in, sink into his arms and cry it all out, but I can't. I won't. It's best for him to just leave. "I'm horrible at relationships. You and Maggie are better off without me."

"No we're not, baby," he argues, his voice still sweet and gentle and it just hurts more. "Right now I'm trying my best to not be angry at you for scaring Maggie by not coming home, but you're trying to push me away and it's letting that anger win out. You are meant to be with us. You are meant to be loved by us."

"I'm meant to be right here—alone," I counter before stalking away from him because the look in his eyes as he watches me is too much to take.

I want to throw my arms around him, kiss him until we're both drowning in it, but I can't because I finally got my answer. I pushed Chad into killing himself by loving him, by wanting a future with him, and I won't do the same thing to Rafe and Maggie.

"No, you're not. You are meant to be with me and my daughter…our daughter because you are the only mother Maggie has ever had. Do you honestly want me to go back to your parents' place and tell her you're tired of being with us? That for some reason you won't explain you refuse to be with us? Do you want me to tell your mother that you're here working in a strip club, letting men undress you with their eyes?"

"Go ahead and tell them all what I'm up to. It doesn't matter anymore," I state, holding his gaze no matter how hard it is. If I show him any weakness now he'll know he's right, he'll know how much I want to be with them, but it's for their own good I'm not.

"Yes it does. Dammit Ame, you always do this. You run out before you have the whole story laid out for all sides to understand. You did it when I asked you to marry me the first time. You did it yesterday with Harrison. So right now you're going to finish getting this story and then decide what you're going to do."

"Go away Rafe. I told you I'm done."

"No. I will throw you over my shoulder and carry you out of here if I have to because you are going to listen to me this time. You're done running. There is nowhere else for you to possibly go now. So sit down and read this," he tells me taking something out of his pocket.

He holds it out for me, but I refuse to take it. I can't because I don't want to have any part of me trying to make excuses so I can go back to him. I want him to wrap his arms around me so badly that I can't breathe. Being this close to him is absolute torture. That's why I'm moving back here. Because if I'm in the same city I'll never be able to stay away from him and Maggie.

"Read it, at least see the whole story from the person who lived it with you," he adds still holding it out towards me. "Dammit Amelia. Take the letter."

"No," I reply turning away from him as a new group comes into the club. It's one I've served before, and I know they'll tip well. I moved past the bar and tell Tony, "Get him out of here."

"Sure thing Ame," he says stalling Rafe when he moves to follow me.

Apparently, whatever Tony tells him is enough to get him to leave because when I went back towards the bar he's gone. It hurts knowing that he gave up so easily but it's worth it in the end. Knowing that I'll never be able to hurt him more than I am right now makes it worth it.

The night passes by incredibly slowly and I had to fight the need to know what the letter said.

Why would anyone end their own life? It still doesn't make sense to me, not even after all this time. I've read and heard dozens upon dozens of stories about people who took their own lives and not one of them made it easier to understand.

I need to know for my own peace of mind but reading it will only show me that I'm no good for anyone. There's something incredibly messed up inside me that pushes people away, makes relationships with me impossible.

The club finally clears, and I change out of the tiny skirt, back into my jeans and kick off my heels as I help clean up. It keeps me busy and stops the urge to go run back into Rafe's arms, letting him hold me until I know nothing will ever happen to end us. The need for that is almost as much as the need to know what that letter said.

Maybe I should have taken it from Rafe, at least then I wouldn't have to face him again to get it. I sigh as Sam comes over to me slipping her arm around my waist, guiding me over to the VIP booth where Tony brings over glasses and the bottle of whiskey.

I let him pour me a glass and down half of it trying to stop myself from feeling anything. I pull my legs up onto the seat with me, wrapping an arm around my knees while I swirl the liquid in the glass.

"Okay, so what happened, Ame? That guy looked crushed," Sam asks leaning towards me.

"It just didn't work out. I couldn't be the person he needed me to be."

"Really? It seems to me that he was willing to accept you anyway he could get you," Tony counters. "So what's really going on girl?"

"I'm horrible at relationships. I ruin all of them," I admit taking another drink, finishing the glass this time.

"Why? Something happened but not on his side from what it seems, Ame. That guy is in love with you. It's clear to all of us and we've only seen him three times," Sam states.

"Yeah, that's what he's said," I muse ignoring their surprised faces as I add, "along with asking me to marry him, move in with him, be with him forever."

"He proposed and you said no?" Tony asks setting the whiskey bottle down as he stares at me.

"It was like a month after we'd started seeing each other; we hadn't even slept together yet."

"Wait, hold on a second," Sam says stopping the discussion. "He asked you to marry him before you started sleeping with him and you refused ?"

"I wasn't ready. I'm barely twenty-four now and he's got an eight-year-old daughter."

"And you love kids," Sam replies making me shrug.

"She's needs someone special though—she's deaf."

"Could the family be any more perfect for you Ame?" Tony teases and I sigh lifting my glass to drain it again. I don't want to feel, and the whiskey was certainly helping to numb me.

"No, but I'm not perfect for them or anyone else. I kill relationships and it seems men…" my loose lips let slip and they both stare at me again.

"What on earth is that supposed to mean?" Sam asks taking the glass from me.

"When I was sixteen, well really it started when I was almost sixteen, I met someone. He'd lost his hearing in a car accident when he was thirteen, afterwards he got depressed, angry, rebellious. When we met it seemed like things wouldn't ever work out, but slowly he came around, saw that not having his hearing didn't ruin his life. He cleaned himself up, started getting therapy for his anger issues, and we moved from being friends to more…"

"So he was your first love and first?" Tony asks when I pause.

"First love yeah…but we didn't sleep together."

"You didn't?" Sam asks in surprise.

"No, truth—Rafe's the only one I've ever slept with," I admit, laughing at their shock. Both of their mouths are hanging open and their jaws moving but there are no sounds except for the rain that's begun on the roof outside.

"Hold on—there is no way—no way that you were a virgin while working here," Sam finally manages, and I simply smiled at them.

"Surprise? It's true. I didn't sleep with Chad. I wasn't ready for that then, but I was ready to tell him I loved him. He still fought depression and he was apparently diagnosed with HIV six weeks before he died."

"Oh honey I'm sorry, but that doesn't mean you killed him," Sam offers but I shake my head, not wanting any comfort. I don't deserve it.

"I did actually. I was trying to get him to see that we could have a future despite him not hearing. I told him I loved him that afternoon, and then I got a call from his brother Harrison saying that he'd jumped off the bridge, killing himself."

"Ame, honey," Sam says pulling me into her hold wrapping her arms around me. "That wasn't your fault."

"He told Harrison he couldn't do it anymore. I didn't know about the HIV, but he knew the future I wanted. He jumped because he couldn't give it to me without risking my life," I admit as the tears slipped down my cheeks.

"Honey, you didn't force him to do it. He did it himself instead of fighting."

I shake my head knowing no matter what they said I had. I'd loved him so much and it had made him take the worst option available to him. I never wanted to feel that way again, but I'd let myself and now I couldn't begin to worry about what would happen to Rafe if I tried to move forward with him.

"Alright, tell us why then you're pushing Rafe away? He would never do something like killing himself," Tony said handing me a napkin to wipe my eyes.

"No, but I can't risk something happening to him and especially not to Maggie."

"You're staying away from them, so they'll stay safe? From what Ame? They're going to hurt as much as you are right now," Sam says, and I lift my shoulders trying to stop from crying because of that.

"At least they'll be alive."

"Ame, honey, you didn't kill Chad. He did it himself. Not because of anything you did to him or because you loved him," she adds as Tony pulled something out of his pocket.

"What is that?" I ask until he lifted it higher, and I recognized it. "I don't want it."

"Yes you do Ame. You want to know what it says, and you want Rafe. You're never going to be able to be able to move on until you know what it says. You're never going to admit to Rafe that you love him until you do and without Rafe you're going to grow into a grumpier woman than even Sam," Tony says giving Sam a wink.

"He's right honey. You don't want to be me. You want what you've always wanted, someone to love you who you love too. We can all see that's Rafe. It's time for you to see it too and admit it to yourself and the world. Read the letter Ame. If you still feel the same afterwards then it wasn't meant to be, but at least then you, Rafe, and Maggie will have an answer," Sam tells me before they leave the booth, leaving me alone to stare at the envelope.

I don't want to open it. I don't want to know what he told me, how he tried to make leaving me alone better. It would never matter; it would all be platitudes that meant nothing. Why should I read that and face the pain?

I left it sitting on the table as I sipped at the glass of whiskey. It didn't actually make me feel any better and I figured that as long as I felt like crap I might as well get it over with quickly. I'd read the letter, pull the Band-Aid off and risk the pain intensifying. I grabbed the envelope and slid my nail under the seal, not bothering to care if I was ripping the envelope or not as I got it open far enough to pull out the piece of paper inside.

The first time through, it flew over my head and the words didn't make any sense. I had to go back and reread it before any of it sank in.

My beautiful Amelia,

I know this is going to hurt you more than anyone else. I know you'll never understand why I did it, but I have to stop hurting the people I love. I can't face you in person to do this so I'm writing it to you instead. I love you too, but I can't hurt you more than this. I can't be the guy you want or need me to be.

The mistakes I made before you aren't letting me move forward any longer and I can't bring you down to where I am. It's not fair to you to to even think of trying. You deserve the world and that's what I want you to find.

I know you Amelia. You would never leave me because of this, which is why I'm leaving you.

I've been accepted to a school for the deaf that doesn't care I'm already eighteen. They're going to help me finish high school and learn how to live in this world. They're going to help me become the man you deserve and maybe one day I can come back to you despite the HIV.

I know I should have told you face-to-face about it, but I don't want to disappoint you. I will be back for you and hopefully you'll let me back in your life.

I will be strong enough to tell you I love you the way you just did to me. I'll prove that we can somehow make it work. I'll be yours forever, Chad.

It didn't make sense. It was a goodbye letter, but it wasn't a reason as to why he would kill himself. Why would he claim he wanted to come back to me but then kill himself?

This doesn't help it only creates more questions and I need a final answer. Unfortunately, I'm a bit buzzed and can't begin to drive to get them. I head over to the bar and pull out my phone dialing Harrison's number.

"It's Amelia. I need to talk to you," I tell him when he answers.

"What's wrong Ame?"

"My letter…it's not a goodbye letter Harrison. He said he was going to go to a new school and finish high school. That he'd be the man I needed him to be despite the HIV," I add because if that's what pushed him over the edge, why would he say this to me in a letter?

"He never said in any of them that he was going to kill himself."

"No, you don't get it. He said specifically that he would be back for me."

"Maybe he wrote yours before that day Ame."

"He put in it that when he got back, he'd be strong enough to tell me he loved me the way I just had told him. He wrote this that day," I tell him because I'm done arguing over semantics. I need the truth.

"We all thought the letters meant he'd jumped Ame. I…don't know what to say…"

"So your letters weren't specific about it?"

"Not specifically, they just said he couldn't stay, that he had to make a change in his life."

"Then why did he go from that to jumping off the bridge?" I ask because none of it makes sense to me.

"Where are you Ame?"

"In the city, I needed to get away to think."

"Why don't you meet me out by the bridge? We can talk about this."

"I'm a little drunk right now. I can't drive anywhere."

"I'll come get you. I should be there in about twenty minutes. You're at Sam's, aren't you?" he asks.

"Yeah…thanks Harrison," I tell him hanging up.

I went back to the booth getting the letter as I headed to get my bag and change into the sweater that went with the tank tops I was wearing.

I made my way back through the club and waited at the door for him to arrive. My head was a bit fuzzy, and I was grateful that he was nice enough to come pick me up. I've never had anyone outside of Rafe know about this place and tonight I needed someone else to help me.

Nothing made sense, why had he done it? Chad wasn't the type to take the easy way out, so why did he jump off that bridge?

I really hope that something in Harrison's letter will make a bit more sense to me. There had to be something that would explain it in the least to me, explain why I wasn't enough for him to stay with after everything he'd written in that letter to me. If he hadn't jumped, my entire life might be different. I could have been with him instead of working at the club. I could have shown everyone who I truly am without it coming from working here.

I leaned back against the wall watching for his car and as he pulls in, I realize two things, one he was already in the city and two—I hadn't given him the address for this place.

I started to move back towards the door, but he was already beside me, grabbing my elbow, forcing me into the car and I knew that something was truly wrong. I dropped my phone praying that Sam or Tony would find it and worry enough to call someone, Rafe, the police—it didn't really matter because I was in trouble, and I didn't understand at all why.