Chapter 12

"S o this is where you grew up?" Rafe asks as we head through the middle of town.

"This is where I grew up," I answer glancing in the back seat at Maggie who's staring at all the trees in awe. "Someone's in love I think."

"Well there's never been any doubt about that Ame. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you," he says making me smile.

"Cute but I meant Maggie," I state fighting a smile because it fills me with so much warmth and I want to linger in it forever.

"I know, but it's true Amelia. I do love you, baby."

I don't say anything just as I haven't ninety-nine percent of the time when he tells me because I don't know what to say. ‘Thank you' and ‘I know' are too cold but the words get stuck in my throat when I try to tell him how I feel.

"Which way?" he asks when we reach a junction.

"Left, through two stop signs and it's the fourth house on the right," I tell him and the moment we pull up in front, I feel the panic hit me. What on earth am I doing here with Rafe? I shouldn't be doing this. I should just let them walk away and go back to square one. I might be sad but at least I'll be able to breathe again.

"You can't run anymore Ame," he says, and I feel my irritation kick in. How can he know me so well?

"I can if I want to."

"But do you really?" he questions, pulling my attention back to him. "Do you honestly want to run away from me, from Maggie, and us?"

"No," I admit with a sigh. "Deep down I know this is right but…"

"You still won't tell me know why you're running scared. Well it seems your family's about to intercede, so you have maybe thirty seconds to decide what you're going to do," he warns, and I see he's right as I turn to look at the house.

Mom, Dad, Gran and Gramps are all on the porch and I take a deep breath before pushing open the passenger door while he got out and came around as I opened the backseat for Maggie.

"Amelia!" Mom shouts rushing down the walk towards us and then I'm in a massive hug that lasts far too long.

"Welcome home honey," Dad adds, butting his way in with a quick hug as he turns to look at Rafe and Maggie. "Seems you brought some guests."

"Mom, Dad…this is Rafe and his daughter Maggie," I tell them using both sign language and my voice trying to keep it cool. "Maggie, this is my mom and dad," I add as she smiles up at us.

‘Amelia's Daddy's girlfriend,' Maggie tells them making me laugh and Rafe chuckle. ‘We love Amelia. Don't we, Daddy?'

"We do," he agrees, and I see the wary expression on my dad's face slip a bit. "It's nice to meet you Mr. Thorpe, Mrs. Thorpe. Amelia's told me a lot about you and your town."

"It's very nice to meet you too," Mom states sliding her gaze to me. "How long have you been seeing each other?"

"Five and a half months," I admit seeing her eyes widen in shock at the news. "I just didn't want the constant questions while we got to know each other Mom."

"I see. So are we to take that this visit is a lead-in to something?" Dad questions, surveying Rafe still.

"Can we at least go inside before you grill us?" I return not ready to get into this discussion.

"I'm hoping to convince Amelia to stay forever," Rafe tells them, and my mom is completely gone while my dad grows a bit leerier. Good for Dad, maybe he can keep the sanity going around here for a few days.

Unfortunately that doesn't happen I quickly discover when Rafe allows my dad to take him aside the next morning while we're cleaning up from breakfast. They went out the backdoor towards my dad's shed where he has his workshop area. I hate that I can't simply follow them out there. They'll know I'm there and wanting to overhear and that would only cause more questions.

Gran and Gramps ushered Maggie into the living room leaving me with my mom and I wait for the questions that she didn't have a chance to ask last night to begin.

She doesn't disappoint getting right into it. "So, why didn't you tell us about Rafe and Maggie?"

"Mom…"

"I just want to know what's going on with you honey. You live in New York now and it's as though you shut out everything about your life here. It was bad enough when you were in St. Louis but now…I don't know anything that goes on with your life."

"I didn't tell you all about Rafe and Maggie because I didn't know what to say. If I'd told you I was seeing someone you'd want to come meet them and I wasn't ready for that yet. I didn't know what to expect from the relationship…"

"And you do now?" she questions when I trail off, giving me that look that demands to know everything.

"Rafe's made it clear as to what he wants. I just don't know if I can do it," I admit.

"Do what? Oh honey, is this about sex?" my mother asks, and I laugh slightly shaking my head.

"No Mom, I can honestly say this has nothing to do with sex. He wants me to marry him."

"He's asked you?" she says as her eyes grow wide.

"He sort of asked a few months ago but I told him I needed more time. We had an argument a couple weeks ago and he said he still wants that, but I don't know."

"You don't know about what?" Mom asks, her brows lifting in confusion, and I know she doesn't get it.

"I don't know if I can marry him."

"Amelia, why? He and Maggie adore you. Your father and I saw that last night and if I'm not mistaken you adore them too. I've never seen you so happy as when you were just sitting on the couch curled up with them."

"That's exactly why I don't know, Mom. Every time I'm truly happy something happens to mess it up. I don't want to say yes to Rafe and then find everything taken away."

Mom's hand comes up to rest on my cheek as she shakes her head at me. "You can't let fear keep you from doing something you want honey. I know it's hard to take a chance when it's your heart on the line but tell me this, could you honestly see yourself being happy without them in your life? Knowing they're out there finding someone else to love them in your place?"

"No, I love them more than anything. I do, I just…"

"What Amelia? Why have you run from every relationship you've ever had?"

"I don't know," I lie as I finish drying the dishes.

"You can't lie to me honey. Why do you always find a way out?" she asks me, reaching for my hands to stop me from leaving the kitchen.

"Because losing my heart to someone scares me. I know it'll never last and I don't want to face the pain when it doesn't," I admit with a sigh as her expression shows her shock and dismay over my words.

"Where is this coming from? Why do you think it'll never last?"

"Because it doesn't for me. When I was fifteen and had started to see Todd, they upped and moved away without him even telling me it was happening. It was just ripped out from under me. When I was seventeen and was with Jeremy, he cheated on me with my best friend. Breaking my heart not once but twice that she could also do that to me. Eighteen and Nick—he cheated on me with my other best friend who was a guy…I don't exactly have the best record for choosing guys that won't hurt me like it doesn't really matter."

"Rafe isn't like them though. He loves you honey."

"Which is why it worries me so much," I admit. "What happens if I do say yes to him, admit that I love him and I lose him? If I give him everything I am and it's still not enough? How do I go on from there?"

"What if you don't lose him? What if the only thing standing between you and a long life of happiness together is your worry? Why make yourself miserable when you don't have to be?" Mom asks and it's exactly what I've been trying to find myself. I know she's right, but I don't have any more answers then I did when we left New York.

"I don't know. I just…need some room to breathe right now," I tell her. "Can I borrow the car for a bit?"

"You're leaving Rafe and Maggie here?"

"They'll have the rental, have Gran and Gramps show them the park. I just…I need to think, and this place is where I need to do it at."

"Alright, it's still your car," Mom says, and I head into the living room to talk to Maggie for a moment.

‘Hey sweetie, I'm going to go out for a little bit. There's something I need to do, alright?'

‘You're coming back though, right?'

‘Yeah I'm coming back. I might be gone for the day. Don't worry. Gran and Gramps will show you all around town and then tomorrow maybe we can have some time to find a few places they don't know about,' I add wanting to show her my secret hiding spots.

‘I love you,' Maggie says after hugging my neck.

‘I love you too, sweet girl,' I admit and the smile that touched her lips told me that I couldn't put this off any longer. I headed back through the kitchen, grabbing my purse to head to the garage and tell Mom, "Let Rafe know I'll be back and to just let me do this okay?"

"I will," she promises, and I quickly head to the car.

The drive takes me about twenty minutes, long enough for me to get myself under control and when I pulled up in front of the house a ton of memories hit me. I walked up the sidewalk and rang the bell as I forced the need to run back down. I almost let it take me back over when the door opened, and I was face-to-face with Harrison.

"Amelia? What are you doing here?" he asked stepping out onto the front stoop.

"Can we talk?" I ask him and he nods pulling the door shut behind him. I head back down the sidewalk until we reached the edge of the road and stopped. "I'm sorry for just showing up like this but…"

"What's wrong, Ame?" he asks me, and I feel the tears well up.

"I just needed some answers, I guess. I couldn't listen to them back then but now…"

"You want to know why Chad died?" he says, and I nod.

"I just need to understand because…"

"Because why? Why now Amelia? You said you'd never want to know why he'd do something so stupid, and selfish, and thoughtless seven years ago."

"I met someone a few months ago," I explain, seeing the surprise on his face at the news. "It's getting serious but every time he talks about the future I pull back."

"Why?"

"Because of Chad," I admit to the first person ever. Well, other than to myself that is. Chad's death shattered me, and I never dealt with it. I know that. Hell, it's why I keep pushing Rafe away because I love him more than I ever loved Chad. Chad's death nearly destroyed me. Losing Rafe…would kill me because there's not a chance in this world that I'm strong enough to survive it. That is why I run from everyone that makes me feel even the slightest bit of emotion.

My exes from high school only added in on top of the heartache I felt for Chad, so I locked it away. Stopped dreaming of the fairytales even though I want to believe in them more than anything. Especially with Rafe and Maggie now. I want Maggie to have a loving stepmother, not face anything like the stories, but the fear at what might happen if something took them away from me, is keeping me from them.

I mean if Chad could so easily leave me the way he did after everything I did for him, how can I trust that it won't happen again?

"I never want to have my heart broken like that again, to never feel that kind of pain. I've sabotaged every relationship I've had since then…and I really don't want to do it to this one," I add to Harrison who nods a bit.

"What if the answers aren't what you want to hear?" he asks gently, but I know I have to hear them, whatever they are if I'm going to fight the need to run from Rafe and what I feel for him.

"I guess I'll just have to make a choice finally. I'll have to see if it's worth it from there."

"Okay, let me go grab something from inside," he says, and I head to the end of the block and lean against the tree waiting for him.

We started walking when he got back, and I knew exactly where we were going. I stopped at the edge of the bridge and shook my head. "No…"

"If you want to know then you have to Amelia," Harrison stated, and I fought against the fears that walking back out there would cause. "This is where he was when he called me, when he told me that he couldn't do it anymore. I didn't understand what he meant but then the police called to say they'd found his body…"

"Why do this here?" I ask unable to look over the side of the bridge to see exactly how Chad had killed himself, looking at the dark, cold water that took the happiness from my life.

"Because he asked me to," he admits to me, and I look at him in confusion.

"What?"

"Chad left a series of notes, to everyone, our parents, me, and you. He knew you'd take it hard, but he still couldn't do it."

"Do what? Why would he do it to me? Why after everything that it took for us to get to where we were would he do this?" I ask letting out my fury over it.

"He was sick Amelia."

"I know that. I get it. He had depression after the accident with everything that happened, but to do this…"

"No Ame, he was sick," Harrison says shocking me with his seriousness. "You know he didn't lead the best life before you two found each other. He was so angry over losing his hearing and he fell into a bad crowd."

"I know he did some stupid stuff when the doctors said his hearing loss was permanent. That he ran away for a bit instead of going to the new school. It's why it took us so long to get to where we were, for him to accept that his life was different but not over, but he'd accepted it finally and things were getting better. So why did he do this?" I ask, the hurt still there despite the years.

"He found out about six weeks before he killed himself that he had HIV. The drug usage caused it, he got it from someone he'd shared a needle with," Harrison says, his tone disgusted over it, but I still don't see why that would send Chad over the edge compared to everything he'd been through with the accident.

"So? HIV is manageable. With the right drugs and monitoring, he could have lived a full life still."

"He couldn't see that. All he saw was him disappointing you and the plans that you'd thought for your future. He knew you wanted kids and because of his status, having them would put you at risk."

"So he killed himself?" I state shaking my head at the idea of it. "Where on earth did he think that would be better for us?"

"I don't know Ame, I really don't. I told him to tell you about it and to talk it over with you, but he wanted to deal with it on his own. The same way he tried to deal with the hearing loss on his own."

"And you never once thought to mention it to me in the nearly eight years since then?"

Harrison shrugged a bit stating, "It wasn't my place Ame. I didn't think he'd kill himself."

"Yeah, well, neither did I. Not after what we'd been through. Not after telling him I loved him that night."

"You did? Oh god Ame…honey I'm so sorry."

"I killed him," I mutter numbly. The memories of it haunts me, the look on Chad's face, the shock, the pain…he didn't have to do this. Didn't have to kill himself over it. If he'd simply said he didn't want me around, I would have left him alone. Yeah, I might have argued at first, but he didn't need to do this , did he?

"No you didn't. He did it all on his own."

"Because I pushed him into it, trying to show him that he had a future I only showed him how little of one he really had."

"That's not true…Amelia stop," he calls out to me as I take off, getting the final bit of answer as to what happens when I really love someone.

I don't listen to him as I get back to my car and start driving, trying to stop the tears that hit. I didn't know where I was going, it was more autopilot than anything and when I finally stopped the car, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I grabbed the bag from the trunk of the car, the one that was still down beside the tire that until tonight I'd forgotten about and headed inside. It was time to stop all of the foolishness and get back to being me. The only one I could be to survive.

I slip down the hall and push open the door, giving them a smile when they looked up in surprise, "Need some help around here?"

"When don't we need help?" Sam counters studying me. "What happened to New York and the guy there?"

"Didn't work out, that's not where I'm supposed to be."

"You sure about that one?" Tony asks and I nod.

"Yeah, this is home. So what do you say? Let a girl earn some tips?"

"Always Ame…" Sam agrees ushering Tony out. She turns back to me and studies me for a few more moments. "Are you really sure about this?"

"Yeah, relationships and I don't mix. I was always fighting the need to run from it anyway. That's not a good sign, right?"

"Not always," Sam agrees, "but there's no reason to come back here just because it didn't work out."

"I know but staying in New York won't help anything. I'll head back there in a couple weeks and clear out my place, until then this is where I should be."

"You're always welcome here Ame you know that and anytime you want to leave you know you can do that too."

"I do and thanks…I'll go change and see who needs help," I tell her heading backstage to get dressed.

The second I step back out onto the floor I felt the conviction in my decision. So-what if everyone gets mad at me. It's my life and I'll do whatever I want, including messing it all up, as far as they're concerned.