12. Cassidy

cassidy

. . .

M y sweet fiancé is digging up my garden with Cay, my dad, and Travis’ dad, while I’ve spent the afternoon touching myself in front of a man I promised I’d marry ten years ago.

What. The fuck. Is happening?

I need to talk to Ingrid, and a therapist, and likely need some sort of exorcism. My panties are soaked; there’s no way I can go home like this. I’m thankful my pants are dark enough it doesn’t look like I peed them. With a quick trip to the store — new pants and panties later — I’m a new woman. If anyone asks what happened, I’ll claim I slipped and fell into a puddle. It rained two days ago, it’s believable.

It’s not. I’m in hell.

In the store parking lot, sitting in my dad’s old truck, I wish I had taken my car that has a USB option to plug my phone in. I call Ingrid, putting it on speaker. The moment she picks up, I don’t let her say hello before I launch in. “I have to break it off with Zack.”

“Good afternoon to you. too,” she answers with a chuckle .

“At the bar, Travis told me to come by his place while everyone was working on my backyard. But then, I got there, and we took a nap together.”

“Naked?”

“No.” I shake my head, even if she can’t see. “He gave me his shirt to wear.” I omit that I’m still wearing it under my sweatshirt.

“So, clothed napping. Got it.”

“Yes… No.” I groan. “I was horny, and couldn’t sleep, so I went downstairs and my hand may have ended up in my pants.”

“Clothed napping turned masturbation. Still following.”

I take a deep breath. “He heard me, and then stood behind the couch, coaching me through a second orgasm.”

“Clothed napping turned masturbation with hot audio porn. Cass, I say this with love, but you need to own up to the fact that you like Travis.”

“Like?” I shriek. “It was like two decades of pent up sexual tension that exploded! I can’t marry Zack when I’m fucking myself thinking of Travis.”

“Serious question: Did he touch you?”

I think for a minute. “No. Well…” I wince. “He sucked my fingers after I was touching myself.”

“Cass!”

“You asked!”

There’s a moment of silence before she carefully inquires, “Do you love Travis? ”

“No,” I answer honestly. “I love both of them like I love you. I’d give you my kidney if you needed it, but I don’t think we should get married.”

“Good, because I’m already married to your brother. It would be quite an awkward conversation to have with him,” she laughs.

“You know what I mean! I don’t love Travis in some big consuming way. But I also don’t love Zack that way. Oh. Fuck. I’m in some sort of messed up love triangle! Is it too late to move to another state and change my name?”

“You are not moving. Go home, sleep on it, and in the morning you need to tell Zack what’s going on.”

After several deep breaths, I begin to slip on my ring, but promptly take it off. As I nod to no one, I agree, “Sleep. Talk to Zack in the morning.”

I can’t help repeating Travis’ words in my head. “ Show me you’re mine, Cass. Come for me and I’ll give you everything. ”

I’m an asshole. I may not have fucked another man, but letting this afternoon happen was just as bad, if not worse. I’m worse than the men who cheated on me in the past. I have two men who want me and I’m out here like a floundering fish.

“No matter what, you know I love you. And, no, that’s not an invitation to fuck me,” she jests. Ingrid is hopeful that I’ll choose Travis. I’m sure Caleb is as well, making his best friend his brother-in-law. But would Travis make me happy? Or am I caught up in the idea of a man I always wanted but never wanted me?

“Thanks, babe. I’ll call you later.”

“Love you! ”

“Love you too.”

I hang up and drive to my house, finding two trucks and an SUV in my driveway. After throwing the truck into park, I turn off the ignition and rub my hands down my face. My sweet Zack is inside with no idea what I did earlier.

My door is unlocked, which irks me, but I brush it off. Tossing my purse and keys onto my counter, I make my way to the backyard. The four of them are on my patio laughing about something as I open the screen door.

“Cass!” Zack’s smile is wide, meeting his eyes and furthering my guilt.

“Hey, guys. So, how did it go?” Why do I sound like someone waiting for a patient to come out of surgery at my hospital?

“Sorry, sis. I know how much your garden meant to you, but none of it was salvageable.” Caleb grips the back of his neck. “The pipes were pretty bad. We fixed it up so they won’t leak or freeze in the winter, but you’ll have to start from scratch in the spring with your flowers and vegetables.”

As much as I’d love to crumple to the ground in tears, I stuff it down and take a deep breath. “Old houses, right?”

“Yeah,” Pop replies, standing to wrap me in a half hug. “Next spring, we’ll plant anything you want.”

“What about a she-shed?” a sultry voice purrs behind me.

I spin to face Travis. “What?”

“Hey man. When did you get here?” Cay asks and Travis only shrugs. “There isn’t enough space for a she-shed. It would be a she-den with four books and a kiddie chair.” Travis chuckles, shaking his head, but Caleb’s eyes narrow. “Don’t you normally sleep for two days after coming back from a fire? ”

Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he rocks back slightly on his heels. “I woke up and felt like a dick; there wasn’t a trace of Cass coming by my house after I offered. Figured I could help here if she wasn’t home yet.”

While it isn’t technically a lie, his reply is a half-truth. I pierce him with a glare and grit out, “They have it covered.”

“She’s right.” Zack gets up and slings his arm around me, kissing my temple. The gesture isn’t sweet, it feels possessive. “We finished a long time ago.”

“Great,” I say at least an octave too high. “Since everyone has established that my garden is destroyed, and the pipes are fixed, thank you all so much for coming. Truly, I appreciate all of your help. I’m so sorry for sounding like an asshole, but I’d love my house to myself for the night, if that’s okay?”

I hug Pop, Caleb, then Travis’ dad, who has been nothing but kind to me my whole life. As he wraps his arms around me, there’s a hint of the same spicy citrus that I get from Travis, making my heart break even further. He’s always been another father to me all these years. If it doesn’t work out with Travis, will I ever hug him again?

To not make things appear awkward, I hug Travis too, but he kisses the top of my head and whispers into my hair, “I’m not going anywhere.” The admission stops my heart and I swallow thickly.

As I step back from Travis, Zack wraps an arm around my shoulders again. I squash the assumption that he’s staying, and telling him, “Thank you for coming. Can I call you in the morning?”

I feel as if I’ve been stabbed in the gut as he tilts my chin, kissing me softly. “Of course, Cass. Call me when you’re home from work. I have to be at the clinic a little before eight-thirty. ”

“Okay.” It’s the only reply I can manage without word vomiting, though I can’t imagine having this conversation before he starts work. “Actually, can we talk later? I can come by your place.”

“Of course.” His sweet smile returns, and as everyone files out of my house, I’m left feeling incomplete, as if a part of me left without saying goodbye. I’m not sure if the ache is from the dread of breaking things off with Zack, or because Travis is messing with my head. Whatever it is, I deserve it, and my heart feels more broken than I’ve felt in my life.