Chapter 6

6

18 years old - Lily

T he gray SUV is parked near the starting point of the hiking trail. The others must have left already because when I walked to the party, his car was sandwiched between two others belonging to Taylor's football friends. Nick turns on the flashlight on his phone and shines it on the key. He then redirects the flashlight to the car and opens the rear door.

"Get in," he commands. "I need to get something from the trunk first."

I take a seat and feel the wooziness in my head. This doesn't feel real. If you asked my younger self, I never would have imagined that our first-time having sex would be high on drugs, in the back seat of his mom's car, in some parking lot near Tabitha's house. Assuming that we're going to have sex, that is. I would be lying if I said that I never pictured us having sex. He was the first person I thought about when I started thinking about it.

Nick comes back with three sleeping bags and stands next to the door. Only now do I realize the chatter in my teeth and the shiver in my body.

I close my eyes and lay my head on the seat. Now I feel everything. I don't have a headache, but my brain feels like it's exploding in a thousand different directions. I can't focus long enough to form a coherent thought. And how crazy is this? I actually feel the rain from inside the car. How is this possible?

Unlike back on the trail, Nick seems to have calmed down a bit. His movements are not jerky and his jaw is no longer clenched. He takes off his hoodie and the shirt under it, exposing his lean torso. My breath hitches as I try not to stare. How can someone look like the boy next door and the boy your parents tell you to stay away from at the same time?

"Take off your clothes, Lil," Nick says gently, no sexual tension in his tone. "I bet you're also fucking freezing. It will only get worse if we stay in these wet clothes."

He unzips a sleeping bag he took from the trunk, making it double in width, and hands it to me for me to wrap around myself. I take it from him while he opens the one he has clutched between his thighs and throws it to the empty seat next to me.

"Thank God we didn't have time to get the camping gear out of the car yet," Nick says to himself.

Whatever passion and lust were present back on the trail certainly didn't follow him here. Maybe the drugs and alcohol are slowly leaving his system. Maybe the moment has passed. But I can feel the electricity between us dissipating into thin air, slowly replaced by awkward silence. It's like I can feel him changing his mind about me.

"Do you...Do you want to have sex?" I murmur. My voice is small, embarrassed at how much I want him inside me right now and scared that he doesn't want me anymore.

He might be slowly sobering up, but I am still not there yet. I still feel the euphoria caused by the tiny pill. Being happy feels good. This is the first time in a long time that I don't care that my dad is dead. Or that my mother doesn't care anymore that my dad is dead. Plus, sober or not, I miss him. I miss Nick.

His hands are on the top of the car as he looks at me through the opened passenger door. He sighs loudly while staring me right in the eyes. Nick goes inside to sit beside me and puts one hand on my knee, closing the distance between us.

"You have no idea how much I want to, but not like this. Not in a car and not while you're rolling on Molly."

"Why not?" My voice is louder this time.

"Because I don't want to take advantage of you."

He hesitates for a moment before looking at me. "You won't be taking advantage of me," I say. Nick just stares at me and stays silent. I kiss him and repeat myself one more time, this time as a whisper he can feel on his lips, "You won't be taking advantage of me, Nick. I want this."

"You swear?"

"I swear."

"For the record, younger Nick had a different plan for our first time together," he says with a lazy smile on his face.

"I know."

His smile forms into a grin. "Take off your clothes then."

I remove my jacket and then slowly undo the buttons of my wet, white blouse, fumbling slightly, still unable to focus. I see his gaze move from my face further down with every button undone, then halting at my breasts. I unclasp my bra, and before I get a chance to completely take it off, he grabs the sides of my ribs and starts circling my already-hardened nipples with his thumb. I lean my head back and moan; the sound buried by the loudness of the rainfall.

I start grinding on him and the realization hits me; we are both still wearing our soaked jeans. I try to stand up as best as possible and move over to the other end of the car, earning a confused look from Nick at the sudden halt. I peel the jeans off me and, after that, the panties. I throw them to the floor of the car as I reposition my body and lay my head on the crumpled sleeping bag, resting my feet on Nick's lap.

Without much hesitation, Nick turns toward me, still seated where he was before, dips two fingers inside my already wet pussy, and starts rubbing my clit. Is this the drug? Or is this Nick? Nothing has ever felt this good before.

Nick just looks at me and continues to rub me. I can't see his face from this angle, but I know he can see me thanks to the moonlight. I know he can see my hooded eyes and my parted lips. I know he can see me steal glances to try and make out his expression.

The lingering coldness from the wet clothes is slowly replaced by warmth radiating in my lower body and I turn my gaze away, embarrassed that he has a full view of this and I can't even catch a glimpse of his expression. Embarrassed that I am naked. Embarrassed that I basically instigated this. Why do I feel embarrassed yet happy at the same time? Despite the turmoil inside my brain, my moans get louder and louder as he continues to play with me. My brain is having thoughts my body can't comprehend.

"Where did you go?" he asks gently. He moves so that he is somewhat closer to me. Nick puts one foot on the floorboard to support himself and kneels his other leg, positioning his upper body on top of me. He caresses my hair with his free hand and then tilts my chin up so that I am facing him. "Just enjoy the moment with me," he says. "This is the side of you I never got to see until now. He already saw you like this, but I haven't." I see the pained look on his face, the bitterness he has been trying so hard to brush off with his nonchalant attitude. It doesn't take long before I feel the warmth from my lower abdomen radiate throughout my body, spreading pleasure everywhere.

As I am catching my breath, Nick pulls me onto his lap. The fabric of his jeans rubs my still-sensitive clit, sending vibrations down my thighs. My hands start unbuckling his belt and my mouth starts kissing him while he hastily pushes his pants and boxers down to his ankles. His left hand looks for the pocket of his jeans before pulling out a condom.

"I want to be inside you, Lily." I nod. He smiles and gently pushes himself into me after putting on the condom. I let out a gasp while my body adjusts to him being inside me. We never got to this stage when we were together before. I didn't know what to expect, but I wasn't expecting him to fill me up like this.

Bitterness silently looms over me when I realize that other girls have known Nick in this way longer than I have. Trying to block out the thoughts, I focus my vision on the back window of the car and start riding him as he sucks on each of my nipples.

"Did you fuck Kevin like this?" he suddenly asks me.

I answer softly in between our heavy breathing, "Not like this."

"Promise me you won't let him see you like this anymore."

"I won't. I promise."

"Promise me you won't let anyone see you like this except for me from now on."

He grabs my ass and moves it up and down fast. This is not makeup sex. This is not gentle sex. This isn't even two-friends-fooling-around sex. This is a fuck-you-for-ghosting-me-and-being-with-Kevin-now-I-am-claiming-you sex. I open my eyes to find his head tilted back and his eyes almost closed. They're looking at me from under the lashes, waiting for my response. I lower my head and lean my forehead against his, feeling his breath on my face. "I promise, Nick."