Chapter 28

28

28 years old - Nick

T he hotel bar is fuller tonight than the last time I was here. We opted for the round velvet booth in one dimly lit corner, away from the other guests. I winced in shame when the bartender gave me a knowing look. He must remember me from my mental breakdown when I binge drank alone in the middle of the day.

"You're really only drinking tea?" I grab my glass of whiskey and lift it before taking a sip, feeling the burn at the back of my throat.

Lily twirls the string of her tea bag using a spoon and puts it on the saucer. "I actually don't drink alcohol anymore," she says casually. I suddenly feel fucking stupid that I suggested to someone who doesn't drink that we should continue the conversation at a bar.

"Do you want to go somewhere else?"

She laughs. "Relax, Nick. I'm not an alcoholic. I just don't drink anymore." My face turns red and I fidget with the cocktail menu that's on the table.

When I didn't say anything, not wanting to step on any more landmines, Lily kindly restarts the conversation. We pick up where we left off when we started searching for places to sit down and have this talk.

"So," she says, "again, I just want to say that I apologize for the way I handled things before I left. I can imagine what you must think of me and I can't undo that. It's a little bit too late now, but whatever you want to know, if you have any questions, I'll tell you."

My eyes widen and my head slightly tilts to the side, marveling at what she just said. I feel the smile that my mouth is forming. She must have noticed. "Why are you looking at me like that?" she asks with an amused look on her face.

"Nothing," I answer, accompanied by a throaty, forced laugh. "I'm just not used to you being so…direct."

"No time like the present, right?" She laughs as well. "I went to therapy for a while. Got rid of some of my bad habits. Beating around the bush was one of the biggest ones." She looks down at her cup, circling the rim with her finger.

"Oh, come on, it was the biggest one!" I tease her, trying to lighten the mood. I have the feeling this conversation is a walk in the park in comparison to what is about to come. We can use all the good vibes we can get.

Lily mouths whatever , playfully rolling her eyes. I'm honestly impressed. The old Lily was so closed off. I never admitted this to her, but it used to bruise my ego when we would talk about our feelings and I was the only one doing the majority of the talking. By the end, when we were arguing a lot, I mostly blamed her inability to be honest and open as the main cause of our breakdown. The feeling that she was always holding back when I gave her my all bruised my self-confidence. And when she left, whatever was left of it fucking shattered, split into tiny little shards.

"Nick," Lily breaks the pause. "Please don't storm off until you know the whole story, but Birdie is not yours."

"I won't." I take another gulp of my whiskey, a bigger one this time, and look at her. "Don't be mad at Bryce. I kind of forced his hand. I didn't give him much choice, but he hasn't told me anything else other than the fact that you didn't leave Elsham Cove pregnant with my child. Or his, for that matter."

There was a long pause before Lily finally speaks again. "I didn't cheat on you." Although I already know this as well, I keep my mouth shut, sensing she is going to elaborate. "Birdie's dad…He...I..." A single tear falls out of her eye and drops onto the glass table.

"You don't have to believe me, but I was raped." Her sentence comes out rushed. Ten years. She's been holding onto those three words for ten years.

The temperature starts to rise, and I don't know if it is anger or the alcohol. Why would I not fucking believe her? Did anyone doubt her when she told them she was raped? "I believe you." I feel like she needs to hear that and I'm right. Her shoulders slowly relax as her face softens.

"When was this?" I ask her.

"Spring break senior year." It feels like somebody stabbed my chest with a butcher knife. I remember that trip. I remember that night. A little too well.

"Who was it?" I know it makes zero sense, but I am praying to God that she's not going to name Taylor as her rapist. No other guy was in her vicinity once we got back together. But then again, most of the seniors were a fucking wreck that second half of the year—each one of us acting like delinquents with no care in the world about the future. That's what you get when you live in a rich suburban town—everyone thinks Mommy and Daddy can afford to get them out of trouble.

She doesn't answer directly. Lily looks at me, silently pleading for me to let this go, but I can't. I need to know. "Do you remember Bryce's friend, Logan?" A fresh sense of rage fills me up.

The guy in the picture that Bryce posted. The guy with the LSD tab.

I don't remember a lot, but I remember the jealousy and bad gut feeling I got when I saw that picture. And then it hits me like waves crashing on rocks. Logan's emerald green eyes. I have only seen that shade on a handful of people before. It's the same color I saw yesterday on Bryce's phone.

I pull at the collar of my sweatshirt, noticing the air suddenly getting thick. "Can we go outside? I could use a cigarette and fresh air." Lily nods, and we make our way toward the back door of the bar, which leads to the hotel garden.

I take a few puffs in silence before Lily asks me for one. "I thought smoking was bad for your health?" I ask.

"Rough night." She smiles, her hand handing the lighter back to me.

"Lil," I speak softly after a short pause, letting her inhale her vice of choice. "It was that night, wasn't it? The night you went back to Elsham Cove after our big fight." She doesn't say anything. She doesn't have to. I remember her distancing herself from me afterward. I remember the rejections every time I initiated sex. I remember all her excuses, and what a selfish fuck I had been for feeling pissed off that she was constantly rejecting me. "Fuck. Jesus, Lily. I'm sorry." I feel my voice breaking.

"Nick, it's not your fault."

"If we hadn't fought that night, you wouldn't have had to ask Bryce to pick you up. I should have forced you to stay."

"Nick, it's okay. It was my fault. Bryce had his friends over, and they were all so out of it. I should have known better than to let Logan follow me upstairs when he asked for a phone charger. And I should have told you. I should have told you the truth." Now it's her voice that's breaking once she starts speaking the last sentence. We're right here in Berlin, but in our heads, we are back in Elsham Cove, our minds replaying the memories of that spring.

I ball my hand into a fist and put it in front of my mouth, biting my knuckle. Almost every detail of that fight is etched in my brain because it was our most explosive one. Everything about it was so fucking stupid. That spring break was when I realized I wanted to be with Lily forever. I feel a sinking feeling, realizing that while I was intoxicated by my love for her that spring, Lily was processing her assault in silence.

I come back to reality when I feel her fingers touching my forearm. Our eyes lock—both glassy with tears. I can't remember the last time I cried. I didn't even cry when my mom died. "Can I hug you?" she whispers to me. I immediately pull her to me and hold her tightly with my arms, fusing our body into one. I rest my chin on her hair and run my fingers gently through the strands.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask her. "I could have been there for you. As a boyfriend, as a friend, whatever."

Lily sighs, her warm breath on my chest. "I wanted to, but then you told me that you were going to follow me to study abroad. Do you remember?" I nod. She must have wanted to tell me when I dropped her car off the morning after, or the day we slept together in the tent. Suddenly, I remember how much I loved her. How happy I was that day. That was after spring break. Did she already know that she was pregnant then? Fuck…

"I was afraid I would lose you if I told you the truth. I was afraid you wouldn't want to be with me anymore. But honestly, I don't have a good enough reason for not telling you. It was stupid of me."

She lets go of me to glance at the group of people coming out of the backdoor, all buzzed and wanting to go to the smoking area. They don't pay attention to us and talk among themselves, but their presence feels fucking wrong in such a serious moment. I peek through the glass door to see the bar is now packed with other guests. "Do you, uh, want to go to my room? To talk more? It's quieter there."

Lily hesitates for a second, checking her watch for the time. "Do you mind if I make a quick phone call first? I just want to make sure Bryce is cool with it. You know, since he's watching Birdie." I nod. Birdie.

Bryce picks up after the second ring and Lily takes a few steps toward the empty garden, possibly to avoid the chatter of the group in the backdrop and probably to give Bryce updates on the night without me hearing their conversation. I understand it now. No wonder Bryce is so involved in their lives. He feels fucking guilty that his niece is the result of his friend raping his stepsister. Knowing how much these two care about each other, Bryce probably already killed the guy with his bare hands or he's planning to.

I feel a slight relief at the thought of Lily having someone supporting her through everything so that she doesn't have to do it alone. Uneasiness starts to bubble up in me as I wonder whether she has only had Bryce all this time or whether other men have been there for her as well, trying to patch up her broken pieces one by one in ways that he didn't. Did they succeed? Or did they fail as much as the women who tried to fix me did?