Chapter 27

27

28 years old - Lily

T he waiter comes to bring our food and sets it on the table. I thank him, secretly grateful that this act forced Nick to get his hands off mine. His eyes, on the other hand, are still silently watching me. Staring at them back used to be my favorite thing in the world. I used to see my whole future in that beautiful hazel color.

At some point in his life, he must have figured out how to do his hair, because the top part that's kept longer is styled to perfection. Something he hadn't done when we were younger. He still has that tan on his skin, which makes perfect sense since he told me he never left the area. The people living in Radinger love to spend time outside in the neighboring towns, be it hiking or going to the beach. The most striking difference, though, is that Nick looks rougher around the edges than he did when we were teenagers. In a way that makes other guys think twice before provoking him. The way he carries himself nowadays tells me that he probably has been provoked and fought back. There is wariness exuding from him. He's polite. He's cold. He's distant. Is this the adult Nicholas Johnson?

I stab the salad that came with my main dish and peer through my eyelashes to see Nick taking a bite out of his food, his attention still laser-focused on me.

"I'm sorry," I finally say. The words that I should have said to him a long time ago .

"For what?" he asks flatly. He swallows the meat in his mouth and washes it down with his water before he continues to speak, not waiting for my answer. "Bryce told me you tried to message me a few years ago."

Multiple times, actually. Nick drunk texted me not long after my mother kicked me out of the house. I stupidly got triggered and replied. I tried calling him directly after to apologize, but it never went through. I guess he must have blocked me. Over the years, I've tried messaging him and emailing him, but nothing ever gets sent. I gave up four years ago.

Despite my best efforts, tears trickle down my cheeks, which earns me a question from Nick. "Why are you crying?"

"This would be easier if you'd just hated me," I admit to him.

One side of his mouth quirks upwards at my sentence, forming a lazy smile that doesn't show happiness. "It would, wouldn't it?"

"I'm really sorry, Nick." I tell him again. I didn't want to ruin your life. But also, I was a fucking coward.

I grab my napkin to blot the tears when Nick speaks. "Look, how about we just have lunch, talk about unimportant things, and enjoy ourselves today? It's been a long time, Lil. I want to know what you've been up to. So how about we start from there?"

I nod in agreement and the thickness in the air gradually dissipates as we dive into safe territory, talking about the new job he's going to start, the marketing agency I work for that caters to pharmaceutical companies and the supplement industry, as well as how horrible the housing market in Berlin is. Once Nick asks about Bryce, joking at how he was flirting with the waitress yesterday, and me telling him how nothing has changed and women still drool over him, it's like we're back to the old Nick and Lily. The version of us that has been best friends since they were five.

For a brief moment, I let my mind relax. There is no way he will forgive me, but maybe with time, we can be in each other's lives again. Would he like to be in my life as a friend? Or would we not talk ever again after today? I deserve that.

After paying the bill, Nick and I decide to walk along the Spree River that runs through Berlin. The chilly autumn weather doesn't seem to bother him. He explains to me that a few years ago, he picked up snowboarding as a hobby, making him immune to the chills of the winds. I feel an ache in my heart as he tells me the story of a snowboarding trip he took with his college buddies in Colorado. There is so much I don't know about Nick. Even though we lived in a coastal town, we were never big beach people. But I didn't peg him for someone who would love winter sports. What else didn't I know? What kind of person did he end up becoming?

"And that building over there, on the other side of the river, do you see?" I ask while pointing my index finger. He nods. "That's the Berlin Cathedral."

He holds out his phone in front of his face and presses the red button on the bottom. "Wait a sec, I'm just going to snap a picture for my dad."

Once the whooshing sound is done, notifying him that the message has been sent, he takes his cigarette pack out and puts one in his mouth. "Do you mind?" I give him the go-ahead and he lights one up.

We walk the short distance to the wooden bench near where we were standing and sit on the promenade next to the canal. "Smoking is really bad for you, you know?"

He flicks the ashes off his cigarette and studies my face. "So is picking your skin."

Touché. "Hey, easy topics, remember?" I say in a soft voice. He gives me a lazy smile and we start talking about Christian Dupont instead, a guy two years our senior from Elsham Cove High, who became an actor.

We stroll for a little while longer, long enough for the sky to get darker, the clear blue color now replaced by a gray shade.

Nick asked me whether I wanted to grab dinner since he was starting to get hungry again. After telling him that I am still full, but would love to accompany him to get something to eat, I took him to eat his first currywurst.

He eats his meal on the go, stabbing the sausage pieces one by one with a wooden fork. "Thanks, Lily, for showing me around today," Nick says as he chucks the empty paper tray in the bin. "Berlin is really cool."

"It is. It's rougher than Radinger, but the city is amazing. You can be anyone you want to be here and no one would bat an eye."

"Why did you decide to move to Berlin, anyway?" I ask him, genuinely curious. "I realized I haven't asked you this before. You told me you've lived in Radinger this whole time."

He takes a sip of the soda that he bought together with his dinner at the food stand and stays silent, not giving me an immediate response. "I wasn't looking into moving to Berlin specifically, to be honest," he answers. I sense a big enough shift in his tone to know my question has hit a spot. "My mom died, and ever since then, I've been trying to get a job abroad. A change of scenery, you know?" My heart breaks for him. Nick's relationship with his parents has always been Hallmark-worthy. I didn't need to be there when it happened to know that it must have wrecked him. I hope you had someone to help you cope, Nick.

"Shit, I'm really sorry Nick."

He shrugs. "Thanks, it's fine. She died around two years ago, so I've had time to process it already. Go through the different stages of grief and all that. I just couldn't find the right job and location combination until now. XIORI is the first company that is offering me a salary I'd be willing to move for. The company is also growing really fast, but you probably already know that from Bryce."

I feel a sense of pride at the mention of Bryce's accomplishment. When we left Elsham Cove, Bryce sacrificed his relationship with many people who cared about him. His misguided guilt led him to live a life of exile with me. I still carry a lot of heaviness for that, but knowing that someone from back home knows how much he has accomplished makes me happy for him. Bryce has earned his success fair and square.

"How has your dad been dealing with it?" I ask.

"It was brutal in the beginning." He smiles while scratching his head. "They were disgustingly in love." I remember . "But he's alright now. He's dating a nice lady he met on vacation last year. She's going to move in with him soon."

My phone vibrates, surprising us both, and I take it out of my purse. It's a picture Bryce sent me of Birdie. Birdie is in her pajamas, the one with the picture of a pizza in the middle, holding a toothbrush. I feel my cheeks pulling my mouth upwards. Bryce is sending me proof that she is brushing her teeth.

Bryce

Hope all is going well. Don't worry about us. We're going to crash soon. Super tired from the zoo. I'm gonna take the couch, so Birdie is not alone. Just wake me up once you get back so I can go back to my place.

I look up to see Nick staring at me curiously. I'm ready . Hearing about the death of Lucy was the wake-up call I needed. I have missed so much of Nick's life and he has missed so much of mine. Despite the horrible thing that happened and the aftermath that was a clusterfuck of poorly thought-out decisions on my end, Nick was my best friend first and foremost.

"That was Bryce," I say slowly, each word that comes out of my mouth causing my heartbeat to go faster. "He just told me that Birdie is going to sleep soon. Birdie is my daughter." Nick stops walking and stands still. He gives me a slight nod but doesn't say anything. "I want to tell you about her, Nick. If you want to hear the story, that is." Don't run away from this, Lily. It's the least I can give him after what I have put him through.