Chapter 19

19

18 years old - Lily

S omeone is knocking on the door, that much I'm sure of. How long has the person been there? I blink and see the digital clock light up next to my bed, showing me that it's almost noon. The blackout curtains are doing a great job at hiding the time. I could have sworn it was still early morning. Rubbing the temples of my head, I close my eyes again and let the tears trickle down.

The knock comes back again, followed by a muffled conversation on the other side of the door.

"She's probably still sleeping it off, man." I hear Bryce say.

"You think so?" Oh no. Nick. Why is he already here?

I quickly sit up on the bed, assessing the damage that's been done. Even with the curtains closed you can see that the space is absolutely trashed—the pillows are on the floor, my desk chair has fallen, my phone is next to the closet, its screen now cracked. But the chaos in my room doesn't even compare to the chaos within me. I let out another stream of tears as I wince, feeling the burning sensation between my thighs. Stupid, stupid Lily. How could I have let it happen?

My sobbing must have gotten louder because the knocks are happening again. This time it's more frantic. "Hey, Lil, are you okay in there?" Nick calls out.

I wipe the tears away before grabbing some sweatpants and a T-shirt from the drawers. The moment I turn on the light in my room to put them on, I see it. Marks on my left ankle, the bruising already starting to set in. I hold my hand over my mouth and let a sob escape my mouth.

"Babe, seriously, are you okay?"

"Yeah, just a second!"

I rush to my dresser and try to detangle my matted hair in record time. I feel somewhat satisfied with what I see in the mirror and move to the next task. I scan the floor and start throwing things where they belong. Pillows back on the bed. Chair back up in its right position. Phone on the nightstand. Clothes from yesterday in the hamper. Opened condom wrapper with an unused condom inside in the trash can hidden under some tissues. Shit. He didn't use a condom last night.

I am about to cry for the third time when someone speaks up again from behind the door. This time it's Bryce. "Can you please answer us? I just wa?—"

"I'm fine, Jesus!" I growl and let out a fake yawn.

Bryce says nothing when I open the door, but looks at me up and down with his hardened stare. I can't make out what he's thinking right now, but he is thinking about something. I see it by the way his eyebrows quirk. Although he is probably as hungover as I am, the smell of his minty body wash suggests he at least already took a shower.

"Nick is here," Bryce tells me, surprisingly harshly, still staring at me with that look on his face.

I turn to Nick and see his face filled with regret. Lily, you stupid, stupid girl .

The color leaves from my face as bits and pieces of last night replay themselves in my head, forcing me to process everything in real time. I flinch at the thought and Bryce catches it. He swallows the lump in his throat and continues staring at me without saying anything. My face reddens and I look away, unable to face him.

"Alright, thanks, Bryce." I grab Nick's hand and pull him inside my room, closing the door with the other hand.

"I saw the pictures from last night," Nick says in a low voice the moment we are alone. His hand hooks the back of his neck while his eyes bore into mine, waiting for my response.

"Yeah," I answer. "Bryce had a little get together here last night. I didn't take anything, I swear. Just said hello and chatted with them for a bit." Nick lets out a relieved sigh, but I hold in my breath. You have to tell him, Lily.

He is wearing a fresh pair of jeans, paired with a Coldplay T-shirt. His hair is messy, and he has dark circles under his eyes. Nick grabs my waist and tries to kiss me, but I stop him in his tracks, turning my body away and walking toward the bathroom door. "Morning breath, gimme a sec!"

He lets out a defeated laugh and takes off his sneakers before climbing onto the bed, waiting for me. I watch him silently from the bathroom mirror as I brush my teeth, the buzzing of my electric toothbrush playing in the background. I hope he doesn't expect makeup sex today . I think to myself, still feeling the burn between my thighs that I felt before.

The moment the sound of my toothbrush stops, Nick starts speaking up. His eyes meet mine in the bathroom mirror and I turn around to face him from afar, leaning on the sink. "I'm sorry," he says. "I know I've been pretty moody since the beginning of the year, and you probably know why. High school is going to be over soon and that sucks. I can't think straight because I'm afraid that I'm gonna lose you again and I always take it out on you. I know it's not fair."

"Oh no, Nick, it's okay. I?—"

"Just let me finish, okay babe?" His feet touch the ground and he starts walking toward me.

"I probably have been coming off like an unsupportive asshole of a boyfriend. I promise you that's not the case. I've known you for almost my whole life now, Lil, and I know you want to study abroad, get out of Elsham Cove, and away from your mother. And I want that for you. I want you to be happy. But I know me. I won't be happy with the uncertainty that comes along with it. I mean, take a good look at me now. You're still here and I'm already a mess."

I feel tears pool on my bottom lashes, and I blink repeatedly, letting them stream down my face. Where is this going?

"I want to come with you," he says in a low voice. His mouth quirks and forms a smile before he gives me a gentle kiss.

"I thought you said you can't afford it. Besides, you applied to really good schools here in the U.S." That is all that I can manage to mutter out of me.

"I'm figuring out the details as I go, but I think I have a plan. Last time this happened to us, I was a kid who had no choice but to leave. We're adults now and I'd fucking regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't try my best to make this work."

Would he still try his best to make us work if he knew what happened last night? Would he believe me?

"We're barely adults, Nick," I answer, my voice breaking. "I'm afraid you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you try. Besides, what's your plan?"

He stiffens. "I thought you'd be happy."

"I am, I really am..." I try to keep it together so I can talk properly, but I am overflowed with guilt, shame, and sadness. They all come out in the form of tears. I don't fucking deserve Nick . We had the biggest fight of our lives last night. Nick decided afterward to fight in our relationship and follow me abroad while I decided afterward to go home. I'm fucking stupid. What happened last night was all on me.

"I'm not worth all the trouble you're about to put yourself through, Nick." I tell him while avoiding his gaze, not daring to look at him in the face. Not only am I stupid, I'm also a coward.

He takes me in for a hug and rests his chin on my head, rubbing my hair gently with one hand. "Don't fucking say that. You're fucking worth it and I fucking love you, alright?"

We stay tangled like that for a while until he breaks the silence. "You're it for me, Lil. Sounds pretty cheesy, but I'll do whatever it takes to be with you."

My heart breaks. I open my mouth to tell him what happened last night, only for my mouth to clam up again. I'm not your soulmate, Nick. My mother was right. I'm just damaged goods.