Chapter 17

17

18 years old - Lily

W hat is happening right now? He literally passed out in the middle of a fight. What the fuck? How could he be relaxed enough to sleep while we were having the biggest fight in our relationship?

I cross my arms over my hammering chest and let the tears out, the sound of Nick exhaling his breaths and lightly snoring grating in the background. He lies there next to me on the bed with the palm of his right hand covering his eyes, the smell of alcohol and weed radiating from his clothes and hair. I give him a nudge while calling out his name, but he just mumbles something inaudible and turns his back on me, continuing to sleep.

Spotting my phone on the nightstand next to me, I grab it and look at the time—1:33 a.m. We have been here for seven hours and we have managed to blow our relationship up. Why are Nick and I so bad at communicating? You'd think we would have everything down to a T for two people who have been together as long as we have. People at school look at us like we are the perfect couple, after all. The truth is, we're just really good at pretending. That's the secret sauce to our relationship.

He pretends to forgive me for ghosting him all those years ago when I was dealing with my dad's death, and I pretend to not resent him for being vindictive with Sienna. After that night in the car, we both pretended like our breakup never happened. And now we're both pretending we won't be living on different continents in a few months. The thing about pretending is, at some point, you are so full of all the bullshit you tell yourself. You won't see the truth trying to bring itself back to life. The truth will make itself known between the lines, lurk behind a snide comment, and hide under desperate gestures before exposing itself bare.

I slowly stand up to walk toward the desk where my duffle bag is, but feel the room spins immediately after I do, so I sit on the edge of the bed instead. I tuck a strand of loose hair behind my ear and start typing on my phone.

Are you still awake?

After a few minutes, my phone dings and the screen lights up.

Bryce

Yeah, what's up?

I have a big ask.

What?

Can you please pick me up at Tab's place?

You're at her dad's place, right? Not her mom's?

Yes.

Dude, that's like over an hour away.

Please. I wouldn't ask if I had other options, but I'm wasted, and I don't want to be here anymore.

Nick starts stirring and groaning behind me as my phone rings loudly and continuously. Still seated on the edge of the bed with my back facing Nick, I pick up the call from Bryce.

"Are you okay?" he asks, cutting right to the chase.

"Yeah, I just want to go home, Bryce, please."

Bryce doesn't say anything, but I can hear Logan in the background asking him what's wrong with me. They discuss something on the other line, but I can't make out what they're saying.

"Logan and I will leave in five minutes. Stay put and don't do anything stupid."

"I owe you one, thanks."

For the first time, I would actually rather spend time with Logan. Anywhere else is better than being here with a front-seat view of my relationship with Nick combusting for the second time. How will we survive the three years? I was a fucking fool for thinking we would be able to do long distance again when we can't even talk properly in person. But then again, we were just doing what we do best, weren't we? Pretending? I'm betting all my money that after tonight, we'll both pretend that this fight never happened.

I force myself to stand up for the second time. Turning my body in the direction of the desk, I catch Nick awake and tracking my every move. He watches me without a word coming out of his mouth. I continue to take my steps slowly, making sure I don't fall. I see from the corner of my eye that Nick is now sitting on the bed, his back propped on his pillow. He rubs his bloodshot eyes with his hand before running it through his hair.

"You're leaving," he finally says in a matter-of-fact tone. I turn to face him and see a hardened expression on his face. Is it anger? Is it regret? Is it sadness ? I can't read him like I used to be able to a few months ago.

"I don't think it's a good idea for me to stay, Nick. We are ruining the trip for everybody."

"Then we'll drive out first thing in the morning. Just let me sleep it off so I'm good to be behind the wheel." He seems a lot calmer after his power nap. His voice is not raised anymore, and his face doesn't look as angry.

"No, just stay, have fun. Bryce is already on his way. Besides, I think we could use some space. Don't you?"

His head shakes as he lets out a nervous laugh. "Babe, what do you mean by space?"

I sigh and put on a thin pair of sweatpants that I packed in my bag, before sitting next to him on the bed. I rest my head on his chest and let him wrap his arms around me. Even when we're fighting, he still feels like the safest place on Earth. He kisses the top of my head before resting his chin on it. "I know we've been fighting a lot lately, but please don't break up with me. I don't want to. I didn't mean what I said," he says softly.

"I don't want to break up. It's just..." I look up and bite my bottom lip to stop my tears from falling. Nick rubs my hair and I can't hold it in anymore. A quiet sob comes out of me. "We've been so mean to each other, Nick. We're always like this when we're stressed out. Instead of talking it out, we always snap at each other. What if we end up breaking up because of this? I love you so much. I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why that comment about Sienna got under my skin. I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you again."

"Lil, I hope you know how much I love you," he tells me softly before standing up and letting me go. I take the water on the nightstand and take a gulp before offering it to Nick. Nick squats down in front of me, our heads at eye level. "If you want to go home, then fine. But don't be scared, okay? Let's use the next few days to think about what we want to say to each other and we'll talk properly once I get back to Elsham Cove. If we're going to not be with each other so that we can think, I might as well just stay here and help the two clean up the cabin tomorrow night. The place is a mess."

"You smell like an ashtray, Nick," I tease him.

He smirks. "Well, you smell like a bar, Lillian."

"A successful spring break then?" I answer while cocking my eyebrow. We both let out a smile.

I grab my phone charger and chuck it into my bag before zipping it shut. I bring my bag to the living room and put it on the couch before going to the bathroom in our bedroom to make myself somewhat presentable. It's just going to be Bryce and Logan, but I look like someone just hit me with a car.

As I brush my hair with my fingers and redo my ponytail, I see Nick come up behind me from the bathroom mirror. He has taken his shirt off, probably because it was covered in my snot, and is now only wearing his jeans. He hugs me from behind and buries himself in my neck before trailing gentle kisses right up to my ears. I grab his tanned biceps and twist my body to face him. "I don't want to lose you, Nick."

"You won't."

"You promise?"

"Look, I've been doing some thinking and what if I ju?—"

My phone rings and I take it out of my pocket to see who it is, although I'm pretty sure I know who's on the other end. Nick gestures for me to answer, and I press the green button to accept the call. "Yes, Bryce...Ok…I'll be out in a sec."

"Sorry, what were you about to say?" I ask Nick.

"Nothing," he answers, giving me a half smile. "We'll talk when you get back."

I go back to the living room with my sneakers in hand, Nick following me not far behind. I am looping my shoelaces together when Nick suddenly yelps. "Shit!"

"What?"

"What about your car? We came with your car."

I shrug. "Keep it and drop it off at my place when you come back. Bryce will still be home until then, so I can always use his car."

"Alright, I'll swing by your house first thing once I get back to drop it off. We'll talk then, okay?"