Chapter 16

16

18 years old - Nick

I shouldn't have said it. I admit, this whole college thing is starting to get to me. And clearly it's getting to Lily, as well. I have been a nervous wreck that she'll dump me like last time because she doesn't want to do long distance. I wonder how she'll react when I tell her my plan. Or maybe she's also having the same thoughts as me. I mean, she should feel the same way, right? That she's fucking heartbroken we're going to be living on different continents? But now here she is, binge drinking while completely stoned, being goddamn catty toward me. And here I am, all worked up because of it.

"Sorry, man," Taylor says, his voice soft. "I wasn't trying to stir shit up. You know me. I don't have a filter when I'm drunk."

"Don't worry about it." I pour myself a shot. To say the night has gone to shit is an understatement of the century. "This was bound to happen, anyway. Just didn't expect it to happen tonight. Sorry for ruining the trip."

Tabitha looks at me with pity in her eyes. "You know she snapped because you've shut her out, right?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I answer her. I do, but I'm still fucking pissed at her boyfriend.

"Nick, you're never really excited to talk about her college plans. And you always change the subject or stay quiet whenever we discuss it. We're seniors. It's a hot topic right now." She continues, "Just talk to her so we can have a good day tomorrow. It's our last spring break together before we all split. Do you guys really want to spend it being assholes to each other?"

I give her a silent nod and stare at my empty shot glass while the two of them retreat into their room. Lily used to be the mature one of the group when we were younger, but after her dad died and I moved, Tabitha took on that role.

It takes me another joint in solitude to realize that this fight that we are having is fucking useless. What Tabitha said finally clicks into my brain. I guess being high does give you perspective. We have been stuck in this cycle for some time now. Whenever someone brings up post-high school graduation plans, I get distant or crabby. I cringe at myself remembering how Lily was excitedly showing me the program she applied to in France on her laptop, only to get a sounds cool, babe response from me. Shit, I didn't even congratulate her before when she got her acceptance letter.

Lily seems relieved when I open the door to our room. She quietens her sobs and pushes herself up on the bed, leaning her back on the headboard. "I'm sorry, Nick." Her voice is so soft she sounds like a scared little child. "I'm sorry I got so triggered." Her dark brown hair is pulled in a ponytail that is all messed up from her lying on the pillow with tear stains on her cheeks.

"I don't want to fucking fight, Lil." I sit next to her on the bed and gently rub her back.

The bottle of vodka is next to her, a quarter of its content now gone. I blow out an exasperated breath, trying to find the right words in my brain and unable to. We are both too fucking drunk and too fucking stoned.

"I regretted it the moment I said it," I tell her the truth. "You were so wound up about Sienna, and your comments really upset me. What I said was below the belt, though."

"Did you choose Sienna because you thought it would make me jealous?" She tries her best to hide the bitterness with each word she says. I can't help but groan, knowing the momentary truce is about to poof into thin air. We have talked about this. Multiple times. This always gets brought up. I came here to fucking bury the hatchet, and she just had to ask me this.

"Please tell me you're not asking me this again?" I shake my head, trying to divert the conversation, not really wanting to answer her question. She knows the answer. It's yes.

"You chose the person who hated my guts the most to be your fuck buddy," she says, also knowing that this is completely true from the multiple conversations that we've fucking had about this.

How was I to know that Sienna would be petty about things? I have been bending over backwards trying to align my future plan with Lily's and she can't even let go of the past. This is probably the moment I should repeat myself that yes, I did, in fact, choose to sleep with Sienna to make her jealous. And yes, I knew that the two of them didn't like each other. But my hormones choose to yell at her instead, not knowing what to do with all the emotion pent up inside of me.

"Why are you so insecure about her? Stop being so jealous. This conversation is dumb and you know it." Lily looks at me in disbelief. Although I want to apologize, my pride gets the better of me, so I stay silent.

"And how dare you accuse me of cheating on you with Kevin before! First of all, we were fourteen when I broke up with you! Fourteen! I didn't even know what cheating was! And as I recall, I caught you red-handed at Sienna's place the day she posted that photo. For all we know, you went there to fuck her."

She looks at me with such disgust, like she actually believes the shit she's saying right now. Something in me snaps. "I hate you. So fucking much." Oh no, why did you say that?

She sits up and leans on the bed, staring at anything else other than me.

"Lil, I'm sor?—"

"Do you really, Nick?" I see her lips quiver. God, we are so fucking drunk. Drunk and angry and stoned. We should have just had angry sex and gone to bed instead of growling at each other.

"You know I don't." I make an effort to soften my voice. "I'm just so pissed."

"Because that would explain why you've been acting distant toward me these past few weeks," she whispers.

Fresh tears spill over her cheeks. I take her chin and put my lips on hers, giving her a gentle kiss. Droplets fall into my mouth and I taste the saltiness of it. Even when she has pissed me off, I still fucking want her. Even when her hair and makeup are all messed up and she's crying, I still fucking lust for her. She thinks I've been distant because I hate her and she couldn't be more wrong. I've been distant because I love her so much. I don't know what to do with all these feelings I feel inside, so I do the one thing I know how to express my love for her. I start kissing her urgently, trying to show her my neediness. I want her to know how much I want her.

"Nick, stop," she says, pushing me away with her hands.

I look at her, confused. She has never rejected me before. "I'm not in the mood, Nick. I'm not some fucking sex toy that you can use whenever you please."

Why is she saying that? Damnnit! The words are at the tip of my tongue. I want to ask her how in the world she would think that. I want to tell her that I was just trying to show her how much I want her. I want to tell her that I am so afraid of losing her. But my tongue won't allow me, my brain too intoxicated to form any meaningful sentences, my bruised ego too stubborn to move out of the way.

I lie myself down on the bed and massage the temples of my head with my fingers in an effort to alleviate the throbbing pain that is now apparent. I'm not going to lie; my self-confidence is suffering right now from the rejection and her snark. But talking about this, as well as about the other things, might be a battle for tomorrow morning. The alcohol has gotten to me and so did the weed. And even though I try my best not to, I feel my eyelids slowly getting heavy.