Chapter Twelve

"I'm not going to live long and I swear I won't be a pain."

Her words were like a knife through my heart. She thought that was a reassurance, but in truth, it was the worst thing she could have said. I was falling for her, and deep down, I believed I had the strength to walk away from my pack if they rejected her. Having this ray of sunshine and exuberant joy as my mate, to love as mine, would be worth whatever I faced.

But that life of happiness with my mate couldn't be mine… because she was going to die.

I'd walk away from my pack, only to be plunged into the abyss of dark loneliness when she passed from this world.

Lilou went up on tiptoe, placing soft kisses along my jaw and murmuring apologies that barely registered. What had started as an amusing side quest had ended up giving me a taste of the life I craved… a life I couldn't have.

My frustration, rage and lust wove together, a bomb ready to go off. I struggled to contain the emotions battering me, but it was a lost cause. Because when her lips brushed against mine, she set fire to that short fuse.

Touching, stroking and snuggling Lilou the past few days had been a special kind of torturous bliss. It had been far too long since I released the pent-up need, and I could no longer hold back the raw desire I felt for the beautiful little female molding her body against mine.

The beast inside me lifted his head as hunger overtook me. With quick movements, I roughly backed her up until she was pressed against the wall.

"I want you," I growled and used my knee to part her thighs. "My wolf wants you."

She blinked up at me in stunned surprise, her perfect lips forming an O.

"If you don't want me to touch you, you need to go to the bathroom and lock yourself in. Turn on the fan to help cover your scent." I gritted out the warning, feeling my eyes flicker between those of my wolf and those of my human form.

"N-No," Lilou whispered. "This is where I want to be."

Brave words for a human who was facing down a predator. Still, I caught the spike in her heart rate and the sweet-and-spicy scent of her fear mixing with arousal.

I breathed in, enjoying the taste of it on my tongue and coating my mouth. It was intoxicating, and affected my wolf in much the same way kerosene affected an out-of-control fire.

Grabbing her hips, I brought them forward until she was balanced on my thigh, and her pliant body pressed to mine like a puzzle piece. My mouth found hers in a demanding kiss, and Lilou parted her lips, giving in to me without hesitation.

Even lost in my lust, I took in a deep breath to check her emotions, needing to know she wanted this too. Her desire and excitement filled my lungs, assuring me she wasn't regretting her decision to stay rather than run.

I gripped her hips, rocking her forward. She gasped into my mouth and her entire body trembled.

"Does that feel good?" My voice was harsh, and I hoped it wouldn't scare her.

"Yes. Oh goodness, yes," she breathed, her pale skin flushing to the point she appeared almost healthy.

I slid her against my thigh a second time, encouraging her to take what she needed.

"Then show me," I demanded, wanting to see her give in to the hunger I saw mirrored in her eyes.

She responded eagerly. Looping her arms around my neck to give her better control, her hips shifted against my leg. Her motions started slowly, but quickly grew sharp and uncontrolled. There was a desperation in the way she moved that told me she was just as deprived as I was of touch.

Her alluring scent wrapped itself around us, and the quick beat of her heart thundered in my ears. It was too much, and I moved a hand to the back of her head, angling her mouth so I could deepen our kiss.

Lilou moaned as her tongue danced with mine and I hungrily swallowed the sound. Finding her rhythm, she continued riding my leg. My thoughts scattered, my stresses vanished and all that mattered was this perfect moment with Lilou—the woman I wanted as my mate, regardless of the obstacles that stood in our way.

Leaning back, I looked into her eyes as her movements became more frantic.

"I want you more than anything," she whispered.

My heart leaped, and my wolf surged forward, eager to claim her. I wanted her too, but for now, I'd have to settle for this. If we pushed this physical encounter further, I knew I'd wind up marking her regardless of the reasons I shouldn't.

"But I can't fall in love right now. I can't get distracted," she rasped between breaths as she clung to me.

I barked a dark laugh. "Your dirty talk needs work."

Her gray eyes swirled with lilac, triggering a memory of being in her house after the accident. She'd had a basket of lilac blossoms in the bathroom, and their fragrance had helped mask the sharp metallic odor of blood and death that had clung to me. I'd noticed that their color matched her eyes. It was weird the things that your brain latched onto when going into shock.

"I'm here. You're not alone," she'd whispered that night, pushing me into the shower, clothes and all, turning on the hot water.

As humanity slipped from my grasp, the rest of the world had gone blurry. But not Lilou. She'd been the one thing in sharp focus, and I'd followed her as she stepped into the shower, fully clothed, and kneeled beside me.

I'd sat on the floor of the shower, watching my mate's blood turn the water red before swirling around the drain and feeling my bloodlust growing. She'd alternated between recalling her treasured memories with Idrie, and reminding me I was strong and I had a pack that needed me.

I had clung to her words, knowing it was the last fragile thread keeping me from being sucked into the yawning abyss that called to my beast. Maybe if I'd leaned on her during my grief, things would have turned out differently.

Still, I'd seized the opportunity to escape through the bathroom window when she'd left the room to answer the front door. I'd focused on my desire for revenge and the world had gone blurry as my sanity slipped.

But I knew without a doubt that Lilou was the only reason I'd retained that tiny part of myself that had allowed me to find my way back.

Maybe I'd come back because I'd unconsciously remembered she was out there. That I wasn't alone.

Now she needed me, but I was paralyzed between bad decisions that all had heartbreaking outcomes.

I knew one thing for sure. This time, I wasn't going to leave her alone in her grief. I'd find a way to be there for her.

"I'm sorry," she murmured, pulling me from my inner musings. "I wasn't trying to ruin the moment."

Her fingers brushed along my jaw, and her warm touch calmed the turmoil inside me. She hadn't ruined anything, but I wasn't ready to share my thoughts or concerns about the powerful effect she had on me.

The mixture of vulnerability and desire on her face had my cock throbbing painfully, and every ounce of my self-control shifted to not stripping her down and taking whatever she was willing to give me.

My vision blurred, but she remained in focus. The only thing that mattered to me at that moment. I loved the way her heat seared my leg as she rode me, and gripping her hips again, I ground her against me.

"Lilou, I can't get enough of you." I touched my lips to hers, then buried my face in the crook of her neck and inhaled her sweet scent. "I love your smell."

She giggled.

I pulled back and scowled. "Was that funny?"

She shook her head. "It's just… I felt like such a weirdo for sniffing your hair when I kidnapped you, so now I don't feel so bad. But you smell so good."

"So do you." I trailed my tongue along her velvety soft neck, loving her unique, delicious flavor. "I love the way you taste."

She trembled, her breathing turning to soft whimpers that told me how close she was to coming apart.

"I love the way you respond to my touch." Unable to resist my wolf's urging, I opened my jaw and gently pressed my teeth to her neck.

Taking my time, I slowly dragged them along her skin. She shivered and sucked in air, struggling to catch her breath. I would've been worried if I'd caught even a hint of panic coming from her, but I could only taste desire and hunger.

"I want you." Moving one hand from her hips, I cupped her breast, enjoying the way her eyelids fluttered. "I need you."

Her whole body tightened and shuddered. She leaned her head back against the wall in a way that had me longing to bite her so she would wear my mark.

"Beckett!" My name came out strangled, as though someone was wringing the word out of her.

She struggled to catch her breath, and I could feel her body tightening and relaxing even though she was only riding my leg. My whole being shouted for me to undress her and bury myself inside her. I'd never been so painfully hard or this desperate for release.

But the part of my brain that was still working knew if I made that move, I would end up marking her. I wouldn't be able to stop myself. Hades! My control was already hanging by a frayed thread.

She clung to me, shivering as her body finally went still. Moisture danced in the air around us and I inhaled it like a man starved, wishing I could taste her.

I doubted she'd try to stop me if I carried her to the bedroom, removed her pants, and kneeled between her legs to bury my tongue in her silky heat. But I had to stop before I lost all control.

With careful hands, I released her, making sure she was steady on her feet. She braced herself against the wall, staring at me in stunned surprise as I backed away from her.

Sensing she was a bit dazed, I guessed nobody had ever had her ride their leg to orgasm. My wolf pranced around proudly at the knowledge she wasn't used to sexual experiences like the one she'd just had.

Which made me wonder…

If she was this stunned after what we'd just done, how would she react if I took her to bed and made her mine?

Realizing my thoughts had taken a dangerous turn, I retreated down the hall to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and sat down heavily on the edge of the tub. Burying my face in my palms, I tried to will away the desire eating at me.

The sexual desire I could deal with, but it was the desire to claim her that felt as though it were shredding my soul.

She couldn't be mine, and it was killing me.