Chapter Ten

Iwoke before the sun rose, and like an absolute creep, I watched Lilou sleep. The dark wasn't an issue for me thanks to my wolf DNA, and I was able to count each of her long eyelashes that rested against her cheek.

She tried to appear strong, but I could see past the mask she hid behind. Underneath, she was incredibly fragile. This was only the third day I'd spent with her, but I could see the changes. Her skin was so pale that it was almost translucent in the fading moonlight.

Worst of all was the way her temperature had been steadily dropping, her body struggling to find the energy to keep her warm. As though sensing my thoughts, she scooted closer to me, burying her face against my chest and snuggling into my heat.

Wrapping my arm around her, I held her close and rested my chin on the top of her head. I wanted to hold her like this every day for the rest of our lives, but that would come too soon. Life was cruel.

I hated the position I now found myself in. And I hated having a secret that Lilou needed to know, but I couldn't tell her.

Every second I spent with her made the longing to stay grow stronger. I needed to find the strength to leave, because the line between what was a good idea or a bad idea became increasingly blurry the longer I was with her.

Lilou was fun, adorable, and the overwhelming urge to protect her had my wolf running laps inside me. She was everything I'd ever wanted.

Fate had given me Idrie as my mate, and while she'd been a wonderful woman, I hadn't chosen her for myself. If it hadn't been for our wolves pushing us together, I doubted either of us would have picked each other as mates. Friends, yes. Partners, no. But the bond had drawn us together, and we'd begun to accept each other.

Things were different with Lilou. It wasn't just my wolf that wanted her… I wanted her to be mine. She was everything I'd ever hoped to have in my partner.

Closing my eyes, I breathed in her sweet scent. My stomach pitched as I caught the sour note of the mutation intertwined with the scent of death that was growing stronger as her body continued to shut down.

Maybe marking her wasn't such a bad idea after all. She was the one begging for my bite, so surely she'd forgive me when she learned the truth I was keeping from her.

No. I couldn't give in to the urge to mark her. It would only end in heartbreak for both of us. I couldn't protect her from her illness. My mark might have bought her time, but was it worth the pain it would cause for both of us?

For the next two hours, I held her, trying to convince myself to leave once she awakened. Eventually, her breathing changed, and she pressed a soft kiss to the skin just over my heart.

"If I guess the secret, will you tell me?" Lilou whispered, arching her back as she stretched.

I gave her a small smile. "That's not how secrets work."

She rolled her eyes. "Fine. Just so you know, secret or not, I'm still willing to be bitten. It's still worth it to me."

I sighed and shifted to a sitting position. "I'm going to take a shower."

Maybe that would wake me up and help me find some clarity.

Closing the bathroom door behind me, I undressed and took in the clean lines of the room. The walls were stark white, with a touch of gray along the baseboards. I turned the faucet until the water was hot enough to turn my skin an angry red.

As I stepped under the slippery needles of water, the scorching heat rinsed away some of my stress and washed it down the drain. Relief seeped in, but I knew it would be short-lived.

I needed to talk to Lilou about my decision, and then I needed to get back to my pack. Oliver was no doubt doing a good job, but a beta couldn't run a pack for long. He probably wanted me back sooner rather than later. Not to mention, I missed my pack. Wolves weren't meant to be away from their family.

Dumping some shampoo into my hand, I scrubbed my hair. There wasn't a satisfactory answer to this situation.

As much as I wanted to claim her as mine, I couldn't bite her. But I also didn't want to leave her. At the end of the day, I would have to live with whatever decision I made.

If I bit her, both our worlds would change. And probably not for the better.

An alpha mating with a human, even just for show, wouldn't be well received by most wolves. Humans were weak and she wouldn't be able to bear pups or carry on the alpha bloodline. I wouldn't care if it meant I could have her as my mate, but it could cause my pack to crumble. Even if I explained that the arrangement with Lilou was temporary, none of them would listen or care.

Perhaps I could explain this would improve human and wolf relations. Humans knew wolves existed, but they saw us as beasts of the shadows.

If I framed this as a PR move to shift how humans see us, it could open opportunities for wolves to be accepted more in human society. But I couldn't stomach using her, even if I was simply using it as an excuse to keep my pack calm about the decision to bring in a human.

This is the first time in a long time I'd faced a situation that had no good outcome. Because if I didn't mark her, she would die before her work was complete. And I'd have to take some personal responsibility for the lives lost due to my inaction.

So what was the lesser of the two evils?

I planted my hands on the shower wall and let the hot water course down my face. If I was honest with myself, I'd admit that I wanted her, regardless of the repercussions. And I didn't just want her in my bed. I wanted her in my life.

Turning the water off, I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel.

I dried quickly and dressed in the spare set of clothes we'd stopped and bought on the way to the fishing cabin. I stepped from the bathroom, steam billowing out behind me.

The house was quiet, and I tiptoed toward the living room. I stopped in place when I caught sight of her curled up on the couch. Had getting up exhausted her so much that she'd already fallen back asleep?

Her body was motionless, and I listened for her heartbeat, needing to reassure myself she was okay.

With soft steps, I kneeled by her side. She was wrapped up in a knitted blanket in hues of white, gray, and black. I wanted to scoop her up into my arms and carry her back to bed. She deserved to be fed breakfast in bed and then cuddled while she napped.

My chest ached with the knowledge that I couldn't be the one to love her. I couldn't stay.

Pain and loss seeped through me as I stared at Lilou's beautiful face. My soul reached out for her. I'd been alone for so many years that I'd almost grown accustomed to it. But the happiness I'd experienced the past three days had shown me how empty and cold my life truly was.

Years ago, I'd been filled with hope that I would build a wonderful life with Idrie. But before that could happen, I'd been condemned to a life of loneliness because of one careless man.

I knew in my heart that Lilou was my second chance at happiness. If I marked her, I'd feel complete. But only until she left this world, and I was plunged back into darkness.

Biting her would ease my short-term suffering, but it would add so much grief to my life. The only thing worse than losing one mate… was losing two.

When wolves lost their mates, they lost themselves—just as I'd lost myself for a while after Idrie's death, and I hadn't even marked her. I'd been focused long enough to go after the man who had killed her, but then I'd gone absolutely feral.

It was nothing short of a miracle that I'd found my way back to society. The world had eventually shifted back into focus, like kaleidoscope pieces falling into a familiar pattern.

I'd returned to the pack to lead my people… alone.

If I lost myself again and didn't find my way back, my pack would have to put me down. It was the humane thing to do. I doubted I would survive that maddening pain again.