34. WILLOW

Istare at my reflection in the mirror and run my hand over my stomach, smoothing down the fabric of my sundress. I swear I can feel a small bump, even if I can’t see it.

Should I be feeling different or is it too early for that?

This morning, about halfway through breakfast, my stomach decided it was a good time to learn acrobatics and I ran to the bathroom just in time to puke everything I just ate up.

I’d put it down to what I ate or the anxiety of Dean being away and not knowing if he’s hurt again but the truth has been in the back of my mind for a while now.

I’m pregnant.

At least that’s the gut feeling I have. Without a test I can’t be sure but if I ask for one then it’ll be obvious and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that conversation yet.

I’m sure I’ve missed more than one period since I’ve been here and I should have realized sooner but I’ve been living in denial about it. I thought that if I didn’t think about it or acknowledge it then it wouldn’t be true.

Did Dean want me to get pregnant?

He’s never mentioned it, we’ve never spoken about it but he’s the one that could have prevented it once he knew he wanted to keep me. I can’t help but think this must be what he wants. He's so determined to keep me that maybe he thought putting a baby in me was the last step to tie me to him forever.

My stomach flutters and I think I’m going to be sick again but it’s just butterflies this time.

I think I’m excited about it. The idea of being so wanted makes me feel warm all over and I can’t believe how happy I am about all of this, but I really am.

How is Dean going to react when I tell him? Surely he’ll be happy about it as well. He loves me after all.

We’ll have to go to a doctor to make sure the baby’s healthy. I hope he doesn’t suggest the creepy doctor from the hospital. It’s not his area but if Dean still wants to keep me secret then he might be the only option.

As I brush my teeth and have a shower I rehearse how to actually tell Dean the news. By the time he’s home I think I’m ready for how to approach it.

I can’t stop myself from smiling as I head to meet him when I hear the front door open but it quickly drops and I forget everything when I see Dean come in with a body draped over his shoulder.

“Hey, little kitten,” he says, beaming at me as he reaches for my head to pull me in for a kiss. I almost fall into him as I lose my balance when our lips crash together but I can’t enjoy it, not when there’s a freaking body on his shoulder.

“Dean, who is that?” I gulp, taking a step back and he gives me a grin that I’m not sure I like. “Seriously, Dean.”

“Here, your first gift,” he says, handing me a bag but I barely register it and it drops at my feet.

He frowns, picking it up and moving it to the side. “Guess we can do your main gift first,” he says lightly but I don’t understand what he's talking about.

Gift?

Why isn’t he acknowledging the person he's holding?

Dean moves past me to unlock the basement door and fear floods through me from memories of my time down there when I first arrived here.

I see the back of the man’s head and instantly recognise the light blonde hair, with flecks of gray, that’s always made the two of us look so different from each other.

I tell myself it can’t be him. Why the hell would Dean have my dad tied up? Why would he bring him here?

My stomach sinks and I know that none of this is going to end well.

“Dean, what’s going on?” I say again but he’s already heading down the stairs and telling me to follow him.

I stand there with my feet frozen to the floor. I can’t go down there, I told myself that everything was fine now but the memory of how Dean took my virginity still stings sometimes.

I’m also not sure if I can actually face my dad.

When I left, I told myself I’d never have to see or speak to him again. Now here he is making me feel tiny again, tarnishing all my happy moments with Dean with his harsh words.

Slut.

Whore.

Dean comes back up to get me but I shake my head and back away. “No, I can’t go down there, Dean, I can’t.”

“I won’t let him touch you let alone hurt you baby. You’re safe.” He takes my hand and although I feel numb as I follow behind him I know in my heart that I can trust him.

Tied to a chair in the center of the room is my dad. He looks so different, so small and nothing like the man I thought he was. His face is covered in blood and bruises that I’m sure Dean gave him. It’s a sight that should make me feel bad for him, but I realize I don’t feel an ounce of sympathy.

My heart’s hammering in my chest and I feel another wave of nausea reminding me of the secret in my belly. I want to blurt the news out to Dean but the last person I want to tell is my dad so I keep my mouth shut.

Dean stalks up to him, his back muscles rippling under his tight, black shirt as waves of confidence roll off him. This is him in his element. It’s what’s shaped him into the man he is today.

Pain and death.

They”ve accompanied him his whole life in ways so different to everyone else yet he still carries their weight with him.

As I watch him, I realize that I’m finally ready to accept all of him.

A loud slap bounces around the basement as Dean backhands my dad across the face, making his head snap sideways and his eyes shoot open. He tries to gasp for air and to shout for help but his mouth is covered in tape.

Dean grabs his throat and crouches down so they’re at eye level. “Wakey wakey, Dad. There's someone here that you owe an apology to.” I want to say that I don’t want to hear that from him but I keep quiet. Maybe after losing me my dad”s finally been able to see how wrong he was to hurt me.

Dad shouts something behind the tape as he fights against his bindings but he’s tied tight and I’m sure Dean’s made sure they’re tighter than necessary just for my benefit. He's acting calm but I can feel the heat of the anger and hate burning off his body from here.

“Dean,” I say hesitantly as I take a step forward. Dad’s eyes land on me. He stares at me in shock, like I’m a ghost, like he never expected to actually see me again. Then that surprise fades until there’s nothing but loathing in his eyes.

I stare blankly back at him. My knees shake and I want to run but I stand my ground. He can’t hurt me anymore. His words stopped hurting before I even made the decision to leave home and now that I have Dean by my side I know it’ll always be this way. He is my protector. My everything.

“Hi, Dad,” I say as I take Dean’s hand, pulling him close to me. His other hand wraps around my waist and settles on my belly. Over our baby.

Knowing that I have a tiny life in me gives me all the strength I need to put my past to rest once and for all.

“The floor’s all yours, baby. You get to call the shots here,” Dean says against my neck and I arch my head back. Stealing the opportunity, he bites down making me whimper as I feel his teeth break the skin. He moans and laps at the wound, his cock pressing hard into my lower back.

Dad watches us with a horrified expression on his face and I can hear his voice in my head.

Whore.

Shame tries to creep it’s way back into my mind, telling me this is wrong but I know now there's no such thing as wrong or right.

Dad looks away in disappointment and anger as he shakes his head. I want to scream at him that this is all his fault. That I’m only acting like this because it’s what he always told me I’d become but I can’t bring myself to feel angry.

If this is what makes me a whore then I fucking love it. “This is what you tried to keep me from for so long,” I say to him. “It’s not bad or disgusting. It’s simply love. Being wanted and loved doesn’t make me any less. Thanks to Dean, I finally know what it feels like to be whole.”

Dean presses me tighter to him, whispering sweet words of praise into my ear, washing away all the toxicity I”ve been filled with all my life.

My own body starts to heat up as his hands snake over my front, teasing just below my breasts. He’s waiting for permission to touch me more but I don’t want to like this. Not because of shame. That bitch is finally dead and buried. I simply don’t want my dad to be in any more of my memories.

“I want him gone,” I say with confidence. “But first I want to hear what he has to say.”

Dean’s hands linger on me for a few more seconds before he pulls away and goes to stand behind my dad. He reaches down to rip the tape off his mouth and Dad screams out in pain.

“Willow! What the fuck is wrong with you, girl? You’re acting like a cheap whore. Get your fucking attack dog to untie me and explain yourself!” he shouts out, his face turning bright red as he doesn’t stop to take a breath.

Dean’s hands clamp down on Dad’s shoulders until he winces and shrinks down. If he’s my attack dog, then I’m the queen of hell and he's my hellhound at my command.

Standing a little bit taller, I take a step forward. “No, Dad. You’re going to explain yourself. What the hell is wrong with you?”

He shakes his head and spits a glob of blood at my feet. I jump back before it touches me and I quickly look up when I hear a scream. A knife is planted to the hilt in my dad’s knee and Dean pulls it out only to plunge it into the other knee making him howl out in pain again.

”Do that again and I’ll start removing parts,” Dean hisses the warning into his ear. Then he pulls the knife out and presses it to Dad”s cheek. ”Understand?”

Dad nods profusely, his wide eyes fixed on me like I can actually save him from this.

If I want to fully accept Dean then I have to want all of him, this psychotic side included.

When he realizes I’m not telling him to stop, he grins wildly at me and my body buzzes to life. I take a breath and look away, only so I don’t give in and let him fuck me right here. He must know exactly what I’m thinking because he chuckles darkly.

Directing my gaze towards my dad, I ask, “why did you treat me like I was nothing?”

“I was right, wasn’t I?” he asks, ignoring my question. ”I knew you couldn’t survive without me. As soon as you’re out on your own, you’re whoring yourself out to men like this.”

“That’s not what happened…,” I start to say but I stop myself. He doesn’t need to know anything about what’s happened between me and Dean. I’ve accepted what we have. I don’t need him twisting it around to try and manipulate me.

“Did you treat Mom the same?” I ask and his eyes widen before he scowls again. He grinds his teeth together as he looks away like he’s holding something back.

“She asked you a question,” Dean says, moving the tip of the knife to just under his eyeball. Dad tries not to move but he’s trembling and his body is covered in sweat, it keeps dripping into his eyes and he blinks it away. When Dad doesn’t answer, Dean drags the blade down, slowly slicing open his cheek. He howls and writhes in pain, making the cut worse.

“I’m sorry, okay! I’m sorry, just stop!”

I give Dean a nod telling him to hold off for now and Dad opens his mouth to hopefully give me the truth I deserve. “Your Mom…I gave her everything and she cheated on me. She ended up with you. Everyday you reminded me of what she did to me!”

The floor sways and I catch myself before I fall over. Dean comes to my side and cups my cheeks as he looks me over.

”You’re pale,” he murmurs. ”Come on, you need to go lie down, we can finish this later.”

“I’m fine,” I say to him. ”I need to do this now.” Then I turn back to the man I thought was my dad. “You’re not my father?”

He shakes his head and starts to cry. “No. I thought I was. We agreed to put my name on the birth certificate but I had a test done when you were a baby and found out you weren’t mine.”

“So you thought you’d just keep me and take out all your anger on me?”

“No, it wasn’t like that,” he says weakly. “I was so angry at your Mom, she was going to leave with you but we had a fight and I pushed her. It was an accident I swear. She tripped and then…she hit her head on the way down.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The police asked questions but I told them she was so sleep deprived looking after you that she lost her balance on the stairs and fell.”

The room spins again and I feel like I’m losing my grip on everything but then Dean’s hands are on mine, grounding me. Giving me back the ability to see everything clearly.

”Willow,” he warns, concern straining his voice.

”Did you know?” I ask, my voice thick with grief for everything I thought I knew being a lie. Dean’s shown me how capable he is of knowing everything about a person. Has he known all along about this?

”No. Your father”s a good liar. The death certificate matches what he told you.”

Snatching the blade from him I point it at the man in front of me. The man that’s made my life hell because of his lies. “You monster! You killed her! What about my real father? Did you get rid of him as well?”

“I don’t know who he is, I swear! Your Mom would never tell me.”

“Did he know about me?” The silence that follows my question tells me everything. I wasn’t wanted by either of my fathers.

“Baby, I can find out who he is, if that’s what you want,” Dean says in my ear as he places his hands on my waist.

Do I even want that?

No. I don’t think I do. Why would I want another man coming in and taking over my life again? He didn’t want me then so he doesn’t get to know me now.

“No. I only want you.” I drop the knife and turn to bury my face in Dean’s chest. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and I let myself lean into him but then I tense up again as Henry laughs.

“Christ, you’re so messed up,” he mumbles to himself.

No thanks to you.

“Willow, baby. You know what has to happen next, right?” Dean asks and I can feel the tension in his muscles. As much as he wants to comfort me I know he needs to hurt the man behind me and I want him to do exactly that.

I gaze up at him, taking in every tiny detail of his face. His brow furrows and I smile. “I know he can’t leave here alive. I just don’t know if I can watch.”

A wicked smile spreads across his mouth as his face lights up. “You willing to give it a go?”

My breath catches and I can feel my heart racing. The last time I saw Dean kill someone, my world changed. I was terrified and mesmerised by the horrific beauty of the killer in front of me.

Unable to find the words to express what I need, I nod. Dean grabs a chair and pulls it up for me to sit on. “Incase you pass out,” he says with a wink and I sit down, my shaky legs grateful to not be holding my body up any longer.

Blood pools under Henry’s chair and I’m not sure how much longer he’ll even be alive for. I hold one hand over my stomach as the other grips the seat of my chair and I watch as Dean becomes the man of my darkest, most twisted dreams. Carver.

The strange intense feelings that he brought out in me before start to resurface now. The fear and adrenaline creating a heady mix that makes my body flush both hot and cold at the same time.

This is the man that came home late one night and choked me out as he fucked me. The man that made me think I was going to die. Yet he's also the man that stayed by my side and held me when I fell apart. He's the one that brought me back to life.

Dean grabs Henry by the hair and wrenches his head up so he’s looking at me. “You want to give her a proper apology before you go out?”

I wait for him to say something but he purses his lips and looks away from me. Even if he did grovel and beg for forgiveness it wouldn’t feel sincere. I wouldn’t want it. All I want is for him to be out of my life for good. If this is the only way then so be it.

A weight lifts from my shoulders as I realize that I don’t have to feel anything for this man. Not even the memory of him will hurt me after this.

The only man I will ever allow to bring me pain is Dean.

Dean pushes Henry’s head away and clicks his tongue at him. “Fine, if you don’t want to talk, you won’t need this.” He grips Henry’s chin so hard his jaw pops open and he grabs his tongue. Ignoring his screams, he pulls it out as far as it’ll go before sawing his knife along it. Henry makes a final gargled scream before he starts to choke on his own blood as it pools in his mouth.

Dean tosses the tongue onto the floor and it lands with a wet slap. I cover my hand over my mouth and try not to be sick but I can’t tear my eyes away from the gruesome scene in front of me, no matter how much it’s making me want to puke.

I rub my tiny bump. This is your daddy, little one. He may seem scary like this but believe me it’s because he’s full of so much love. For both of us.

Henry leans forward as far as he can and blood pours into his lap rather than down his throat. “I should be thanking you really,” Dean says as he starts to circle him. “If it wasn’t for you, Willow would never have ended up with me.”

“No,” I blurt out and Dean stops mid step to look at me. I stand up and carefully avoiding the bloodied tongue on the floor, I go to Dean’s side. “I believe that we would have found each other no matter what. There’s not a single doubt in my mind that we aren’t supposed to be together.” Dean stares at me with wide eyes before claiming me with his mouth.

Bloodied fingers dirty my cheeks as Dean holds my face but I don’t care. Reaching up, I lace my fingers around the back of his neck and he hoists me up so my legs are around his hips. The dress I’m wearing gives him easy access to my body and I gasp as his hard bulge hits my pussy.

I can feel how hot and wet I am for him. This time I don’t hate myself for it. All I can think about is how I want him inside me and all over me.

”You giving me permission to kill for you might be the hottest thing I”ve ever seen, baby. I know just how wet it’s making you as well.”

“Dean,” I whimper and he growls in response but we’re interrupted by wet gargled sounds to my right. Henry is still clinging on to life next to us, his front is a mess of blood, spit and tears. “Put him out of his misery,” I sigh.

“No, he’s not suffered enough for hurting you.” A sense of belonging fills my heart. Dean would do anything for me. Even kill a man. I’m not the same scared girl that had just ran away from home anymore. Being with Dean has made me strong and I’m no longer scared to get what I want.

“But I want you to fuck me and I’m not doing it in front of him.”

That gets his attention.

Dean’s hands flex on my ass and icy fire ignites in his blue eyes. He doesn’t put me down as he squats down to pick up the knife and I cling to him even tighter. Then he kisses me before stabbing the knife into Henry’s heart where he leaves it. Henry spasms in the chair, his body convulsing for a few tortured seconds before he slumps down in a lifeless heap.

There are still a million questions circling around in my mind but I leave them unanswered for now.

I cup Dean’s cheek, bringing his attention back to me. He’s covered in splatters of blood and I realize I am too from where he’s touched me. His chest rises and falls with heavy labored breaths as he stares back at me. There’s a hesitant look in his eyes and I finally understand who he is now.

I’ve met all of him and I love each part just as much as the other.

“Dean, thank you.” I rest my forehead on his, our noses touching. “You own every part of me. My body, my pain, my mind. I want all of you as well. I love you.”