5

5

Maddie called an all-team meeting that evening. Word of Julian’s return to London had spread quickly among the recruits, and there was definitely a hint of panic in the air.

I stood against the back wall of the lounge with Priya on one side, Edan on the other. The rest of team seven and UK team thirteen were nearby. The room was crowded, recruits milling about, though I remembered how only a few months ago, it had been tough to fit everyone in here. We’d been shoulder to shoulder. Not so much anymore.

People kept looking at me and whispering. It had been so many months since our brief relationship, but everyone still associated me with Julian. Maybe even blamed me. It was enough to make me never want to date again.

I wanted the recruits to look at me like they did when they saw Edan and me sparring at the gym. Like I was strong and capable. Not like I was someone’s sad ex-girlfriend.

“Do you know what Maddie’s going to say?” Connor asked. He glanced at Patrick. “She’s not pulling teams out of the UK, is she?”

“No way,” Patrick said with a frown. “Julian won’t be here for long, and the UK is still the worst. The worst in terms of scrabs, I mean.”

“And proud of it,” Connor said.

Patrick slipped his hand into Connor’s, his expression softening. “It’s nice you’re so worried I might be leaving.”

“Actually, I was hoping to get rid of you.” He smiled up at Patrick and then pressed a quick kiss to his lips.

“Never,” Patrick said. “We’re finally starting to make some progress here.”

“And I’m here.” Connor poked him in the ribs, and Patrick laughed.

My email dinged, and my stomach dropped to my feet at the sound. I braced myself as I unlocked my phone.

It wasn’t Julian. It was actually Adriana, one of the girls I’d been friends with in middle school. Maybe we were friends again, actually. She’d emailed me after seeing the video I made about Julian, and we’d kept in touch since. Apparently, everyone at school thought I was a badass for joining the teams. Or that was what Adriana told me, anyway.

Maddie walked to the front of the room, and everyone quieted. She was wearing workout clothes, hair in a messy ponytail. I slipped my phone back into my pocket.

“Hey, guys,” she said. “Just a few updates for you. First, a heads-up that our new recruits will be joining us on assignment starting day after tomorrow. I’m pairing them with more experienced teams, so if you see them out there, give them some support.”

I raised my eyebrows. I’d seen the new recruits, and they were not ready to be out on assignment. Most of them had never had combat class in high school, and a few of them had even been rejected during the first round of recruitment. Our standards were lower these days. Still, I would have given them at least a couple more weeks of training before throwing them into the fire.

“As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, Julian Montgomery is back in London,” Maddie continued. “I don’t know for how long. He said he was in town to claim his parents’ bodies, and then he should be going back to New York. It’s true that he showed up at a scrab site today and talked briefly to me and Clara. He did not share anything of note with us.” Her eyes flicked to mine. “If anyone sees Julian while they are out on assignment, please text me immediately.”

One of the team leaders, Jayden, stepped away from the wall. “Maddie, do you know what this means for MDG? Were the Montgomerys doing work for them here and in Brussels?”

“I don’t know. I’m looking into it, and all my law enforcement contacts are looking into it. They are aware that Julian is back in the UK. I will definitely pass on anything they tell me.”

“MDG started using trained scrabs against us last spring,” Jayden said. “I think we need to talk about what we’re going to do if that happens again.”

“We’re going to fight them, like always,” she said. “A trained scrab is still a scrab. It dies the same way. But, yes, if anyone sees anything that even looks like a trained scrab, please let me know. And try to take a picture, if it’s safe to do so.”

Jayden looked like he had more to say, but he just leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest. He glanced at the team leader next to him, a disapproving look on his face. We’d lost a lot of team leaders after Julian left. We couldn’t afford to lose more.

I glanced around the room at the other recruits. Their faces were tight and nervous. They probably needed reassurance, something that Maddie was not very good at.

And I wasn’t even sure what she would say to them if she were good at it. We didn’t know if Julian was doing something here besides collecting his parents’ remains, and we didn’t know what MDG had planned.

Maybe she could have said something about how we valued their lives, and their safety was our first priority. I might have said something like that.

“As always, I’m all ears if you have information about MDG,” Maddie said. “Or about Julian, or anything. We’re not letting these assholes get away with this, I promise.”

She walked away from the front of the room, and a murmur went through the crowd. Recruits began to filter out.

“I’ve got to get to the weapons closet,” I said. “I’ll see you guys later.”

I walked out of the lounge and down the hall to the weapons closet. I unlocked the door and grabbed the tablet that I used to mark everything in and out.

Naomi appeared at the door, weapons pack in hand.

“Hey, Naomi,” I said, glancing down at the schedule. “You’re cleared for whatever you want since you’re headed up to north London.”

She shook her head, extending the weapons pack to me. “I’m turning this in. I just quit.”

I slowly took the pack. “Why?”

“I’m tired. And my mates were supposed to join me in the next round of recruits, but they ended up changing their minds . . .” She shrugged. “They wanted to help, but they’re not the athletic type. They wouldn’t have been good at fighting.”

“You sure you don’t want to just take a break? Maddie’s fine with recruits taking a few weeks off.”

She shook her head. “No. Sorry, but no. I just don’t want to do this anymore. Especially with Julian suddenly showing up, and the possibility that MDG may be around again. I don’t know what’s going on with them, but I signed up to fight scrabs. I don’t want any part of all that other stuff.”

“I understand,” I said quietly.

“Good luck though, OK? Be careful now that Julian’s back. That guy is the worst.”

I made a noise of agreement. “I will. Thanks.” She waved at me, her expression a little sad, and then turned to walk away. I watched her go. UK recruits dropped off less frequently than recruits from other countries. We’d be in real trouble if we started losing them too.

My phone rang as I was locking up the closet, and I looked down to see it was a video call from Laurence. I’d forgotten he was calling today.

I slid my keys into my pocket and pressed Accept. Laurence’s face filled the screen.

“Hey,” he said with a smile. He’d let his dark hair grow out so it curled softly above his ears. It made him look less morose. Or maybe that was just because I actually knew a little about Laurence now. It was weird that I’d lived in the same house with him for seventeen years and had barely gotten to know him at all.

I headed down the hallway and then started up the stairs. “Hey.”

He was sitting in a kitchen. I could see a microwave behind him and an open cardboard box on the countertop.

“Is this your new place?”

He glanced over his shoulder. “Yeah. It’s small, but at least I don’t have a roommate. And it’s just a sublease, so I’m not stuck here,” he added quickly.

Laurence moved back to Dallas last week. Mom had called him crying a month ago, during one of Dad’s rages. And then she called again two weeks ago, because it was always the same story.

He broke down and went back. His job in Tulsa had ended, and he said he didn’t like Oklahoma anyway. Which was probably true—Oklahoma wasn’t known for being exciting—but we both knew that wasn’t why he went back.

We both just stared at each other for a moment. Long stretches of silence were not uncommon in my calls with my brother. I looked away for a moment as I walked down the hallway and opened the door to Maddie’s and my room. It was empty.

“Did you go see them?” I finally asked, sitting down on my bed. “Mom and Dad?”

“Yeah. I went over for dinner two nights ago.” He let out a long sigh and went quiet for several seconds. I waited for him to find the words. “They asked if I’d heard from you lately. I lied and said no.”

My eyebrows shot up. “Why?”

“It caught me off-guard. I don’t know why. Of course they were going to ask about you. But we hadn’t talked about what I was going to say to them, and I didn’t want to tell them something that you didn’t want them to know.”

“I . . .” I didn’t know what I wanted them to know. There was a lot of information out there about me, some of it untrue, and I wasn’t sure I cared if they knew the truth. If they would even accept what was true. Truth had always been a nebulous concept in our house.

“I don’t mind lying.” Laurence shrugged. “I prefer it, actually.”

“Yeah?”

“When I said no, that was the end of the conversation.”

“I know how you enjoy ending conversations.”

“Or never starting them at all, in the case of Mom and Dad.” He smiled.

I laughed. “Yeah, just keep lying for now. It’s not like they couldn’t get in contact with me if they wanted.” The words came out bitter. “Was dinner OK otherwise?”

He rubbed his forehead. “It was terrible. I regretted my decision to stop smoking.”

“I didn’t know you quit smoking.”

“A couple months ago. Almost stopped on the way home for some cigarettes after that dinner, though.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing. They were in one of their overly cheerful moods. It freaks me out when they do that, you know?”

“I really do.”

“It’s like . . .” He shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Like you can feel the tension simmering just below the surface, but everyone is pretending it’s not there, which makes you even more nervous, and then when Dad inevitably blows up, it’s even worse, because you’ve been dreading it for an hour.”

He looked amused. “Yes. He didn’t blow up, though. He was on good behavior.”

“Probably because now he knows you can successfully tackle him if you want.”

“Probably.” He shifted in his chair. “I saw that you guys are actually making a dent in the London scrabs.”

“Yeah, we are, despite what Julian says.”

“That guy just blatantly lies all the time. I don’t understand why people keep going along with it. Dad was talking about how Julian had a point about Second Amendment rights and scrabs.”

“Of course he was,” I deadpanned.

“I told him exactly how stupid I thought that was, but I’m not sure it made a dent. I feel like everyone has lost their minds.”

“They’re scared,” I said with a sigh. “They’re being told that other countries are going to invade us with scrab armies.”

“Are . . . Are they?” Laurence asked hesitantly.

“I mean, I hope not, but who knows? Every time I talk to Interpol or the FBI about that, they look at me like I’m an idiot.”

“Every time you talk to the FBI and Interpol? Every time?” He laughed. “Your life is weird, Clara.”

“Yes, it is.”

There was another long stretch of silence, and I saw him shift in his chair.

“Uh, I should probably let you go,” he said. “I’ll talk to you soon?”

“Yeah. Bye, Laurence.”

“Bye.”

I ended the call. That had actually been one of the better ones. Maybe a good sign for the future. We just needed to find more things to talk about.

I pulled my sweatshirt on and walked down to a room we used for storage on the third floor. I edged around the boxes and stepped outside onto the small balcony. I sat down, crossing my legs and leaning back against the wall.

It was too cold to be out here, but I’d gotten in the habit over the summer. I liked looking out at the city, listening to the sounds of car horns and watching people pass by. I never considered whether I wanted to live in a city or the country or the suburbs when I got older, but I thought that the city was probably my choice. It seemed safer, to be surrounded by so many people. London was huge, but it didn’t feel like it when I was on the street or the subway. It felt tiny, almost claustrophobic. But in a nice way. It was so easy to disappear among all those people.

The door behind me opened. I turned to look, even though I already knew who it was. Edan stepped onto the balcony, holding a blanket.

“You really do need that coat,” he said, draping the blanket over my shoulders.

“Thank you,” I said, pulling it tight around me.

He sat down next to me, zipping up his hoodie. We met out here often. Edan’s insomnia kept him up later than most, and I’d needed a quiet place to think back when we were all in big group rooms.

Edan found me out here the first week we moved in, and it became a routine. But I really did need to buy that coat. I didn’t want these chats to end just because of the weather.

“How is Maddie doing with Julian being back?” he asked.

“She seems OK. She’s talked to her mom, like, three times today, though.”

“That’s good, at least. Maddie and her mom have always seemed close.”

“Yeah, they are.” I glanced at him. “You’ve met her, haven’t you? Nicole?”

“I have, a few times. She’s very nice.”

“She was friends with the Montgomerys, wasn’t she? I mean, not anymore, obviously. But before.”

“Yeah, before. They were close.” He leaned back against the door. “I’m surprised Maddie didn’t stay in New York longer, back when she went home for Grayson’s funeral. First her dad, and then her brother . . .”

“Yeah,” I said quietly. I’d thought the same thing when she returned only a few days after the funeral. But she’d been determined to keep the teams together. “I think she wanted to come back and take out all her aggression on scrabs.”

He let out a short laugh. “I can relate.”

“Me too. Some days I suddenly remember that Julian got away with murdering Grayson and Archer and Zoe and Gage, and I’m just . . .”

“A huge ball of rage?” Edan guessed.

“Exactly.”

“I’m familiar with the feeling.”

“Are you?” I gave him a skeptical look. Edan was the most even-keeled person I’d ever met. The word rage didn’t suit him.

“Oh god yes. Remember how I had a headache for, like, all of July?”

I nodded.

“My therapist said it’s because I keep all my feelings inside. Also, I started to worry I had a brain tumor, which made the stress even worse.” He laughed softly.

“You still talk to that therapist Maddie got for us?” I asked. I knew that a lot of people kept up with sessions via Skype, but I hadn’t known that Edan was one of them.

“Yeah. I like talking to her. It was especially helpful after my mom started trying to contact me. I didn’t want to dump all of that on you.”

“You can dump anything you want on me,” I said with a smile. He returned it. “Does she have advice? About your mom?”

“She’s not really the ‘give advice’ type. But she didn’t try to change my mind and push me to respond to Mom. I would have stopped seeing her if she did.”

“That’s good.” Of the two of us, it was ironic that Edan was the one who’d suddenly heard from his mom. I actually wanted to hear from mine, so, of course, not a peep.

“You didn’t feel like you needed to go?” Edan asked, after a brief silence. “To see one of the therapists Maddie brought in?”

“I went once,” I said. “She was nice enough, but no, I didn’t really feel like going again. Maddie’s been bugging me about it, but I don’t know. It wasn’t really for me.”

He studied me, clearly waiting for more, but I didn’t have more for him. I’d found the hour with the therapist to be uncomfortable and not particularly helpful. I was supposed to pour my heart out to a total stranger? I wasn’t even good at telling my friends what I was feeling.

“What?” I asked, when he kept looking at me. “Do I seem like I need therapy?”

“Oh god, one hundred percent yes,” he said with a hint of a smile.

I laughed. “You sound like Maddie.”

“Maddie says everyone needs therapy. And she’s right, by the way.”

“Maddie’s right about everything,” I said with a grin. “Just ask her.”

My phone dinged with an email alert, and I looked down at it. I felt my smile vanish at the sight of his name on my screen.

Julian Montgomery

Subject: Please

“What?” Edan asked. “Hey.” His tone softened, his hand landing gently on mine. “What is it?”

I started to say it was nothing, but I could tell that it was too late. His eyebrows were drawn together in concern. He could see something was wrong.

I hadn’t said it to Maddie, but the reason I hadn’t told the rest of the team about Julian emailing me was because of Edan. He’d been in bad shape after Grayson’s death, and I couldn’t bring myself to make it worse.

And, honestly, I’d wanted to talk about something—anything—other than Julian with Edan. The beginning of our friendship revolved around him, and I could always feel the weight of Julian hanging over our heads. I took a deep breath.

“It’s an email from Julian,” I said softly. “He’s been sending me a lot of emails.”

He reeled back, clearly startled, and pulled his hand from mine. “He’s been sending you a lot of emails.” He repeated the words slowly.

“Since not long after he left. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t tell anyone but Maddie.”

“What has he been emailing you about?”

“Apologies, mostly. Sometimes he just updates me on his life. Tells me he’ll always be there for me.” I made a face. “That he doesn’t hold a grudge, and he hopes we see each other again one day. I’ve never responded,” I added quickly, and turned my phone for him to see. “Do you want to see my inbox? I can show you that I never responded. I just—”

“Clara.” He put his hand over mine again, gently pushing the phone down. “I don’t need proof. I believe you.”

“Right.” His hand was warm on my mine, and I almost reached for it when he pulled it away. I would have liked to hold his hand right now.

“I did sort of want to respond, a couple times, to be honest. Especially at first. I still had all these leftover romantic feelings for him mixed in with fear and sadness back then, and I hated how it made me feel.”

“And now?” he asked.

“Definitely no more romantic feelings.” My short relationship with Julian felt like a memory of someone else’s life. Some other girl had been that sad, crying mess who fell for him. “Fear and anger still, sure. Especially after seeing him today.”

“Sure.” He stared out at the city, his expression unreadable. “Why didn’t you tell anyone but Maddie?”

I could hear the actual question—why didn’t you tell me?—and I lowered my gaze. I should have told him. It was a glaring omission, considering how many hours we’d spent on this balcony, talking about everything else.

“It just . . . seemed like it would upset everyone,” I finally said.

He nodded, his gaze still anywhere but on me.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I should have told you.”

“It’s OK.” He finally looked at me with a smile that didn’t seem genuine. I wasn’t sure if it actually was OK. When Edan got mad or upset, he just retreated into himself or ran away. We had that in common.

“Uh, I could read it to you,” I offered, trying to smooth things over. “The email he just sent. Do you want to hear what he has to say?”

“If you don’t mind, yeah.”

I glanced at him with a wry smile. “I think it would actually infuriate Julian if he knew that I was reading you his email.”

“It really would,” he said with a laugh. Some of the tightness in my chest loosened.

I opened the email. It wasn’t very long. He’d sent me a few rambling ones, but this one was only a few lines. “Clara,” I began, reading his words aloud. “Please talk to me. I honestly don’t know what to do now that my parents are gone. They were all I had left. I know that I made mistakes in the past—we both have—but I really wish we could at least talk. We only got a few minutes today, and I have so much more to say. I miss you and I really need you right now. I know that our relationship was brief, but I can’t help thinking that we were destined to meet, and I honestly never fell as hard for a girl as I did for you. I know that you felt our connection too, and I know that I ruined it, but I really wish you could find it in your heart to forgive me. Please send me an email or a text or anything. I really need you right now.”

I lowered the phone. Edan’s expression was pained.

“Christ, that almost made me feel bad for him,” he said.

“I know. There are a couple more emails that are like this, actually. Where he tells me he doesn’t have anyone, and he desperately needs to talk to me. His parents’ death is just an excuse, as terrible as that sounds.” I paused. “I really am sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“You don’t have to apologize. I’m glad you told Maddie, at least. I wouldn’t want you to have to deal with that alone.”

I smiled at him, but he was already standing, his gaze on the door.

“I think I’m going to try and get some sleep.”

“Oh. OK.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Clara.”