4

4

I stuck my head out of the weapons closet and looked left and then right. Laila was standing a few feet away, organizing her weapons pack.

“I think that’s it,” she said, standing and slinging her pack over her shoulder. I noticed a flash of color on her dark skin—a colorful bird inked onto her right forearm.

“Did you get a new tattoo?” I asked, cocking my head to look at it.

“No,” she said, looking down at the bird with a laugh. “That would be a bit much for me. Saira was just messing around. It’ll wash off.”

“I didn’t know she was an artist too. It’s beautiful.”

“I’ll tell her you said so,” she said, smiling at me before heading for the stairwell.

I retreated back into the closet and closed the machete trunk. I’d been one of the recruits in charge of weapons security since a few weeks after Grayson’s death. At first, Maddie let everyone have unlimited access to weapons, but that had led to a lot of them disappearing as recruits dropped out. Then there was the time a recruit nearly cut off another recruit’s fingers during a drunken brawl. Now everyone had to check most of their weapons in and out. And we’d gotten rid of guns completely. Most of our remaining recruits weren’t cleared to use them anyway.

I stepped out of the closet, locking the door behind me, and headed up to my room. I pushed open the door.

I stopped abruptly.

Noah quickly finished pulling up his pants. Maddie tugged her shirt over her head.

“Sorry.” I whirled around.

“No, it’s my fault,” Maddie said. “I thought I locked the door.”

“I’ll just, uh—” I took a step out of the room.

“It’s fine, I was just about to head downstairs,” Noah said, walking past me with pink cheeks and a sheepish expression.

I pushed the door closed behind him and turned to Maddie. “I’m still amused by this pairing.”

“What do you mean?”

“You and Noah.”

She sat on her bed to put her shoes on. “We’re not together or anything. We’re just messing around.”

“You’ve said. I’m still kind of confused.”

“Why do you say it like that? What’s wrong with Noah?”

“Nothing! He’s just . . . not your type, I guess?”

“I don’t have a type. I’m an equal opportunity slut.”

“Is slut the word we want to use here?”

“Yes. I enjoy reclaiming the word slut.”

“Fair enough. But this has been going on for what, five, six months? It’s really not a relationship?”

She tied her shoe. “Yes. I mean, we’re friends. I like him. But I’m not interested in anything more.”

“Is he?”

“Not that he’s said. He seems perfectly happy with the arrangement.”

“You are super hot, so who can blame him?”

“Why, thank you.”

“And it’s still a secret?” I asked.

“Yeah. It’s just less awkward that way.”

“You should probably remember to lock the door next time if you’re going for secrecy. Also, I’d rather not see Noah in his underwear again.”

“You should see him naked, though.” She grinned at me.

“I did not need that image in my brain.”

---

Maddie and I met the rest of the team downstairs, and we walked to the tube, several other teams trailing behind us. Noah glanced at me as we boarded the train and turned red when I gave him an amused look.

“You sure you’re all right?” I heard Dorsey say quietly as I took a seat.

I looked up to see that he was talking to Edan, who was rubbing a hand across his eyes. He had dark circles, which wasn’t unusual for him, but they did seem worse today.

“I’m fine, just a little tired.” He leaned against the rail.

“You can sit this one out if you want,” Maddie said to him.

“I don’t need to.”

Dorsey looked like he was going to say something, but Edan smiled at him and bumped shoulders with him.

“I’m fine, Andrew. Lay off.”

Dorsey rolled his eyes, but his lips turned up in a smile. He and Edan exchanged a look I couldn’t quite read. They’d become good friends since they started rooming together, surprisingly. Dorsey’s main activities seemed to be drinking and partying, neither of which interested Edan. And Dorsey had been Gage’s friend, which gave me pause.

But Edan liked him, and for some reason called him by his first name, instead of his last, like everyone else did. I wasn’t sure why. Maybe Edan just did it to annoy him. Guys loved giving each other shit, which had always baffled me.

Dorsey caught me watching him and smiled. I returned it and then quickly lowered my gaze, pretending to look at something on my phone. I never knew what to say to Dorsey. Compared to the rest of the team, I barely knew him. I wasn’t really sure I wanted to know him, if I was being honest. He seemed like the sort of friend you called when you needed someone to party with, and I didn’t really need that kind of friend in my life.

“The movement has been really heavy in this area yesterday and today,” Maddie said, standing so she could address all the recruits on the train. “Just FYI. You probably need to prepare for a shit day. I’ve got a bunch of teams already there.”

A woman sitting nearby looked up from her phone, an alarmed look on her face. The few other civilians on the train wore matching expressions.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t get off when we get off,” Maddie said to them. She looked up at the map. “I’d ride for at least three more stops, actually.”

None of the civilians got off at the next stop, as we piled out. Priya waved to them as the train began moving again.

“You’re welcome!” she called.

“Come on,” I said with a laugh.

We walked up the steps to the street. The area was full of trendy, overpriced shops, but it was pretty empty today, many of the shops closed. The police did a good job of getting possible scrab attack locations out to the public.

Maddie directed a few teams to spread out, and then joined us on the sidewalk. It was a cloudy day, but not too cold, and a lot of the recruits seemed in good spirits. I watched two guys from an Australian team laugh as they took a selfie.

The scrab attacks had begun to slow in recent weeks, especially since the army had taken out several nests near the city recently. The scrab tracking technology Grayson helped develop was being used widely, even by police and military, and it got better with each update. I hadn’t seen Maddie assign so many teams to one place in a while. It seemed like a bad sign.

I sat down on the curb next to Priya. Her gaze was on the teams across the street. She lifted her hand to greet Saira and Thomas, standing not far away with the rest of UK team thirteen. They waved back.

“Archer would say he had a bad feeling,” she said quietly.

“He would. And his bad feelings were always right, unfortunately.”

One side of her mouth lifted in a half smile. “They were. But probably because bad things are always happening.”

Her gaze was still across the street, and I followed it. Thomas was giving her a small smile.

“Are you and Thomas . . .” I trailed off, worried that she might not want me to pry.

She sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe. Part of me doesn’t want to do it again, you know?”

“What? Date?”

“Yeah. Or get attached to someone. He’ll probably just die again. Or I’ll die. Or we’ll all die.”

“Jesus, Priya,” I said, giving her a horrified look.

“What? It’s true.” She put her chin on her knee with a sigh. “Look at how many teams are out here. At least one recruit will die today if this scrab attack is as big as we’re expecting.”

“I guess,” I said softly.

“My mom reminds me of that every time I talk to her,” she said. “She treats every phone call like it’s our last.”

“You ever think about going home?” I asked. “Just for a visit. Or for the holidays. Maddie is paying for recruits who have been here the longest to go back to the States for vacations.”

“I know. But I hate to leave you guys.”

“We’d be OK.”

“You might, but I’d be sad.” She met my gaze. “You’re not going home for the holidays.” It wasn’t a question.

“No.”

“Does that . . . Is that OK?” she asked carefully. Everyone on the team knew what I’d left at home, but a lot of them didn’t seem to know how to talk about it.

“It really is,” I said, smiling at her. “I’m looking forward to holidays without screaming.”

“Recruits!” Maddie called suddenly. “Significant movement nearby! Be ready!”

Priya sighed as we got to our feet. “No screaming, but plenty of scrabs.”

I pulled out my machete as the ground began rumbling and secured my leather arm coverings.

I caught a flash of movement across the street, a familiar black coat and dark hair standing outside a restaurant. Julian.

No. It couldn’t be Julian. He was in New York, planning his parents’ funeral. I squinted, but the man was turned away from me, looking down the street.

A scrab burst up from the concrete only a few yards away from me, shielding my view. I leapt forward, machete poised.

It couldn’t be Julian. I was imagining things.

I focused on the scrab in front of me. Fighting them had become routine now. Scary—always—but still routine.

The scrab tried to dodge my weapon, but it was too slow. I slid the blade into its neck and then stepped back as it fell. It tried to grab for me as it went down, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw another scrab galloping my way.

I stepped out of reach of the scrab on the ground and stuck my blade into its soft belly. Then I quickly turned, slashing the blade across the neck of the scrab that had almost reached me. It toppled over onto its dead buddy.

I finished off another scrab and turned at the sound of a yell from behind me. It was Laila, warning me about an approaching scrab. It was a small one, not quite fully grown, but its sharp teeth looked plenty big enough to do some damage. Noah took it out before it reached me, and I waved my thanks.

There were more scrabs at the end of the block, and I broke into a run. I skidded to a stop as I caught sight of a scrab tunneling up in an alley. It burst through concrete and dirt, claws first.

I waited until it was completely out, making sure there were no more behind it. Fighting one scrab alone in an alley was fine. Several was a disaster.

But nothing followed it out of the hole as it shook dirt from its hide. It caught sight of me and roared. It lowered its head and bared its teeth.

I took a step back, waiting as it galloped toward me. My foot hit something uneven, and I stumbled, falling headfirst and losing my grip on the machete. It skidded into the alley.

I scrambled for it, barely reaching it in time. I lifted it to the scrab’s throat.

It screamed suddenly and reared back. Blood dripped onto the ground. It whirled around and then collapsed. A knife stuck out of its side.

Julian stood on the other side of the scrab. His hand was still extended, even though his knife was now lodged in the scrab. He slowly lowered his arm.

He was thinner than last time I’d seen him, his cheeks sunken and his eyes dull. He wore the same black coat I’d often seen him in back in May, the one with the high collar. I used to think he looked so handsome in it.

He had on fancy leather shoes, and his clothes looked meticulous, despite the blood pooling at his feet. He wasn’t dressed to fight scrabs, but he’d still been carrying a weapon, apparently. He wasn’t dumb enough to walk the streets of London without a weapon.

“Hello, Clara.”

The familiar voice sent a flash of fear down my spine. I gripped my machete tighter.

I looked past him, at the road. I saw dead scrabs, but no recruits. I could hear them in the distance, though.

Still, he had me cornered in this alley. I would need to edge around the scrab and him to get out.

“Would you mind putting that down?” he asked, nodding at my machete. “I’m unarmed now.” He pointed at his blade, still in the scrab’s neck.

“You don’t put away your weapon until you’re sure all the scrabs are dead,” I said, repeating a line he had told the team during training. In fact, the one at our feet wasn’t quite dead. I quickly stuck my blade in its throat and then edged around it.

“Are you scared of me?” he asked, cocking his head. “You know I would never hurt you.”

I faced him, taking several slow steps back until I was closer to the street. There. Now he was the one who was cornered. I could easily turn and bolt.

“Why are you here, Julian?” I asked. “Shouldn’t you be in New York?”

“I came to collect my parents’ remains. Not much left, unfortunately.” He said it bitterly. “Thought I’d drop in on the St. John teams, see how you’re doing. Those of you who stuck around, anyway. I heard you’ve been bleeding recruits lately.”

I took a step back, and then another, until I was almost in the street. I could hear recruits laughing nearby, but no roars. They must have gotten all the scrabs. Julian moved forward with me.

“I wish you wouldn’t look so scared. I just saved you,” he said, gesturing to the scrab. “Why would I save you if I wanted to hurt you?”

“I didn’t need your help,” I said. “I had that under control.”

He gave me a deeply condescending look, like he didn’t believe that for a minute. Julian never had believed I could take care of myself.

“Did you get my emails?” he asked.

“Yes.”

He paused, rubbing his lower lip with his thumb for a moment. When he spoke again, it was soft, and a little shaky. “You never replied.”

“I don’t have anything to say to you.”

“But . . .” He took a deep breath. “You said all those things about me, and you didn’t even give me a chance to explain. Do you have any idea what it was like for me after that night? I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think, and I just needed to talk to you.”

“You lost the right to talk to me when you punched me in the face.”

He flushed. “That was an accident. Things got out of control. I will never do that again. Never.”

I rolled my eyes.

He reeled back, like he was actually shocked by this response. “I, um . . . OK.” He let out a long breath. “I guess I can understand that you don’t really trust that, given your history. But you have to know that I care about you, Clara. So much. And I know you care about me too.”

I just stared at him. I had cared about Julian. Until I found out who he really was.

I glanced over my shoulder and took another step back.

“Wait, wait.” He held out his hand to stop me. “Just give me one minute, OK? I want to ask you a question.”

I considered turning and bolting, maybe flipping him off as I went, but I had to admit that I was curious what he wanted to ask me. I crossed my arms over my chest and raised my eyebrows expectantly.

“Why did I only get one chance?” He said the words slowly. “Why didn’t you give me the opportunity to do the right thing? You hated Edan when you first met him. He tried to rob your friend. He’s robbed tons of people. He made mistakes, but you saw past that and gave him another chance. Why is he worthy of redemption, and I’m not?”

“Edan never hurt me. He never spied on me and exploded with jealousy and tried to control who I was friends with. He never got together with his rich buddies and developed an idea to use scrabs against people.”

“And I’m not saying that I didn’t make mistakes!” he said. “I definitely did. It was so wrong to spy on your phone. I never should have done that. I know that I get carried away with the jealousy sometimes. It just gets away from me, and I don’t know what to do about that. I don’t know how to fix it. It’s honestly really disappointing that you can’t be more understanding about that.”

“About your irrational jealousy? It’s disappointing that I can’t be understanding about that?”

“Yes! I don’t want to be this way. I just have all these demons, and I don’t know how to control them sometimes. I feel like you could have helped me with it if you’d been willing to try.”

“Hard pass,” I said dryly.

“Not to mention that you and I never even had a real discussion about MDG and the scrabs and everything,” he continued, like he hadn’t heard me. “I would have given all that up in a heartbeat for you.”

“You should have given it up because it was the right thing to do, Julian. Instead you’re in deeper.”

“You have to understand, my dad . . .” His voice shook, and tears filled his eyes. “You met my dad. You saw what he was like. And that was him on good behavior. He left no room for argument on MDG, or on anything, really. It always had to be his way. I didn’t know how . . . how to say no, I guess.”

I said nothing, because I didn’t think Julian would appreciate me telling him that he could have made his own choices. I could sympathize with having a father who was controlling and abusive, but I didn’t use it as an excuse to turn around and do the same thing to other people.

“I just wish that you would talk to me,” he pleaded. “You’re the only person who has ever understood me. And I know that I’m the only person who has ever really understood you.”

I cocked an eyebrow and thought of Maddie and Edan, who understood me just fine. Certainly better than Julian ever had.

“You and I were meant to be together,” he said. “I know it. There’s a reason that I’m the one who got that email from your dad. I was supposed to help you. And I know I screwed it up, but I’m going to make it up to you, I promise.”

“I don’t want you to make it up to me.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that.”

“What?” I asked, exasperated. “Why not?”

“You didn’t call the police.”

“I’ve talked to the police about you on numerous occasions, Julian. British and American.”

“I don’t mean about the stuff with MDG, I mean about you and me, personally. You told the whole world about how terrible I was, how mean I was to you, but you never filed a restraining order.”

“You went back to New York,” I said.

“It’s just odd, I think. To act like you’re so scared of me, but then not do anything about it. Makes me think that maybe you don’t really want me to stay away.”

I didn’t reply.

“Listen, we both know that we got a little heated that night at the farm,” he continued, after I said nothing. I realized too late that my silence might be interpreted as agreement. “I definitely said some things I regret, and I apologize for that. But I feel like your version of events was really unfair to me. You hit me too.”

“I defended myself after you hit me.” I was familiar with this tactic—I’d heard Dad use it on Mom more than once. Well, we were both pretty out of control, remember?

“I just think that’s a really simplified version of events,” he said. “It was way more complicated than that, which I bet you knew. You knew it, and you still put out a video that’s going to be up for the rest of my life.” His words took on a hard edge. My pulse quickened, and I had to take a look around, remind myself how many people were in the area.

“I just told the truth.”

“You told your version of the truth, which is the only thing that some people care about. I try to explain, and no one will even listen to me. Your truth matters more than mine, apparently.”

I rolled my eyes. “Plenty of people listened to you. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the accepted narrative at this point is that I was the jealous girlfriend and you were just trying to calm me down.”

I heard the sound of running footsteps, and I turned to see Maddie jogging down the street. Julian was shielded from her view by the wall. I took in a sharp breath.

“Oh, there you are, I was worri—” She came to an abrupt stop beside me. Her entire body went still.

I grabbed her hand. I couldn’t be sure that she wouldn’t start taking swings at Julian.

“What are you doing here?” Maddie’s voice shook.

“Well, you may have heard that my parents were killed by the scrabs that you continue to fail at eliminating.” He glared at her.

“Maddie, let’s go,” I said quietly, tugging on her hand. Julian’s eyes flicked to the movement, annoyance crossing his face. It was a weird thing to be annoyed by, our holding hands, but I supposed he liked it better when Maddie and I were fighting over him.

He moved forward suddenly, taking long strides until he was right in front of us. I took in a sharp breath, squeezing Maddie’s hand tighter.

“Spare me, Madison. Stop looking at me like I killed your puppy.”

“You killed Grayson, you unbelievable son of a—”

“Grayson signed his death certificate the minute he started these stupid squads,” he hissed. “The fact that he caught a stray bullet meant for a scrab is not my fault.”

I gawked at him. He said that like he actually believed it. Julian had never been a great liar, but that lie had slid easily, and believably, from his mouth. Maybe because he’d repeated it so many times.

“You should be careful, Maddie,” he said, eyes flashing as he stared at her. “This scrab-hunting business is dangerous. Clara almost died in this alley just now. And look what happened to Grayson. You should stop before you get everyone killed.”

Maddie’s lips parted. No sound came out.

Julian stepped around me, pausing at my shoulder to speak softly. “For the record, Clara, I forgive you. And I know this isn’t how our story ends.” He lifted his hand like he was going to touch me. I shrank away. He dropped his hand and turned to leave.

Maddie and I stood there in stunned silence for several seconds, listening to his retreating footsteps.

“Did you really almost just die?” she asked.

I rolled my eyes. “No. I had it handled; he just thinks I’m helpless.” I tugged on her hand. “Come on.” I led her around the corner to where the other recruits were.

I spotted Edan right away, standing with Noah, a stricken look on both their faces. I followed their gazes. They were watching Julian climb into a cab. Noah put a hand on Edan’s arm.

“Has anyone seen Clara? Or Maddie?” Edan yelled.

“Edan,” I called. I saw him blow out a relieved breath when his eyes landed on me and Maddie.

We walked to him and Noah. Edan’s hands were shaking as he slid his foldable ax into his weapons pack, and I was struck by the sudden urge to lace my fingers through his.

“You saw Julian?” Noah asked.

“Yeah. I talked to him in the alley,” I said.

“You talked to him?” Priya repeated, as she joined us with Laila. Dorsey and Patrick were right behind them.

“He threatened us,” Maddie said bitterly. “Or just me, I guess. Said I was going to get everyone killed.”

“And he claimed that Grayson was hit by a stray bullet meant for a scrab. Said he wasn’t trying to kill him,” I said.

“Seriously?” Laila said, clearly baffled.

“He was trying to kill me,” Edan said. “So yes, if you want to get technical about it, Grayson’s death was an accident. He was hit by a stray bullet meant for me.”

I put a hand lightly on Edan’s back. Of all the things Edan and I discussed on the balcony every night, we didn’t often touch on Grayson’s death. I’d only broached the topic once and quickly realized just how much guilt Edan was carrying about his friend jumping in front of a bullet for him. I knew that telling him that it wasn’t his fault wouldn’t help, but I’d done it anyway.

“I don’t want to hear any fucking technicalities from that shithead,” Maddie said. “He was aiming his gun at a person, not a scrab.” She hesitated, her eyes flicking to mine. “Right?”

“What?” I asked, startled.

“There wasn’t a scrab behind Edan, was there?”

I shook my head emphatically. “No, Maddie. Don’t let him do that. He aimed the gun at Edan. More than once.”

“Right.” She blew out a shaky breath. “Right. I know that.”

“So, what do we do?” Priya asked. “Why would he even come see us? His parents just died two days ago. He really has time to come find us and threaten you?”

“I think you underestimate Julian’s level of pettiness.” Maddie looked at me. “What did he say to you before I got there?”

“He just apologized. He wants me back.”

Priya gave me a truly horrified look. “Ew.”

“Let’s get out of here,” Maddie said. “I want to let the police know that Julian’s back in town.”