12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Logan

Day 4

After getting dressed, I fingered back my long bangs, letting them fall naturally down the middle as I stared into the motel mirror hanging next to the dresser. My hair was getting long, spilling down past my ears.

Nick was showering, and I really tried my best not to think about him naked in there, which wasn't easy after knowing, in detail, what he looked like without clothes now.

Earlier in the day, it was brutally awkward for me as we packed up camp to drive to the city of Nashville for the evening. My face constantly flushed from embarrassment after admitting to Nick that I was gay. Even worse, I'd kissed him, then I cried like a fucking baby. That had been the most humiliating moment of my life. The only person I'd ever been vulnerable with was Hunter.

Dear life, can you open a hole in the ground and swallow me up? That'd be swell.

I should've felt relief that Nick hadn't judged or hated me. Instead, it only made my feelings for him grow, which was the last thing I needed.

"Fuck it," I groaned at myself. "Man up, Logan."

I rubbed a hand across my face and jaw, debating whether to shave. My beard was growing in, and I kind of liked it, but hardly anyone wore a beard these days.

The bathroom door opened to steam and the scent of Irish Spring soap. From the corner of my eye, I glanced at him in the mirror. The motel towel was wrapped around his narrow hips, exposing a dark happy trail and his lean muscles. His hair fell in his face, dripping water across his damp, bronzed skin.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and quickly glanced away before I risked a boner.

It was fucking hard not to see him in a brighter light after last night, and it was even more difficult not to fall in love harder than I already was. I tried to tap into that old anger toward him, but the well had run dry. I was emotionally exhausted.

"Man, it's gonna be nice to let loose tonight," Nick said as if oblivious that I'd bared my soul to him last night, and for that, I was grateful.

"Yep."

"Oh, come on! Please tell me you're going to have fun. If anyone needs it, it's you. Hell, I need it, too, after Lauren's shit."

"No, I'm looking forward to this. I suggested it, didn't I?"

He patted my back, and even through my T-shirt, I felt the tingles of his touch. "Good man."

Nick grabbed my shoulder and turned me to face him, scanning me up and down and frowning. "You're not wearing that out, are you?"

I looked down at my jeans and black AC/DC T-shirt, one of the few shirts where I hadn't cut the sleeves off. "Uh, that was the plan."

"Do you always dress like that going out?"

I shrugged.

"Lame!"

I huffed and folded my arms, now feeling out of place with my choice of clothing. "Well, what are you wearing?"

Nick opened our shared suitcase and pulled out a pair of jeans, a red polo shirt, and a white sports coat. "This, of course. I look good in red."

He definitely did.

"If you haven't noticed, I don't dress like you."

"Yeah, because you're boring . You're like an old man, dude."

Nick rummaged through my clothes, pulling out shorts, T-shirts, tank tops, and my fucking underwear. My body shivered as if he was touching me instead of my clothes.

"Ah, here we go." He held out my short-sleeved button-up in navy blue with a white paisley print. "This will look totally dope on you."

I pulled my T-shirt over my head, tossed it on the bed, and put on the button-up. Once it was on, Nick, still only wearing that damn towel, rolled up my sleeves until they were close to my shoulders.

"Perfect. Now, tuck it in."

As I put the shirt inside my jeans, he popped my collar, bent down, and rolled up my jeans around my ankles.

"Now you look hot."

He turned away just in time as my face flamed. I tried not to read too much into his comment. It was just an observation. Nothing more.

Once we were ready, we stepped outside into the humid evening and walked several blocks toward downtown, trying to decide what bar to go to. I hated to pick a place, pay for cover, and end up being bored.

"Let's ask around," Nick said, reading my mind.

He walked over to the first man approaching us, who appeared to be in his fifties.

"Excuse me, sir. We're from out of town. Is there a good bar to hang out in, and to drink and dance?" Nick asked.

The older man scanned us both up and down, then pointed down the street. "Down thataway about two blocks yonder is The Chute . You boys should have a good time there."

"Righteous! Thanks, sir."

"Yes, thanks."

Nick smiled and bumped me with his shoulder as we walked down the street. "This is going to be epic. I hope they've got some good country music, because I really want to two-step."

I chuckled. "I'll two-step myself over my feet and fall on my ass. It's better that I just watch."

"I don't know how to either but come on! Learning new things is bitchin'."

Dancing wasn't for me. Who would I dance with, anyway? Nick? Not a chance. There would be no dancing for me. Maybe I would when I reached Berkeley and found that gay bar.

There was no line, so the bouncer checked our fake IDs and let us inside, where we had to pay another guy a two-dollar cover.

"Have fun," he said, winking at us as we stepped inside.

"What was that about?" I asked, and Nick shrugged.

We stopped in our tracks and looked around at the large place blaring ‘Pump Up The Volume' by M/A/R/R/S. What stood out the most was the lack of women. There were only a handful of them. I'd never seen so many men dancing and in various states of dress in one place in my life. Most were without shirts.

"Uh, that guy must have thought we were gay, man. Well, you are, but still," Nick yelled over the music. Then he put his hand on his stomach, threw back his head, and laughed. "Oh, god, that's fucking hilarious!"

I would've laughed, too, but I wasn't ready for this. I was totally not prepared to be out and proud after being in the closet all my life. Even worse, I wasn't ready to spend time with another man in front of Nick, the very person I wanted.

My heart beat a little faster as I watched the men grind against each other and some standing there, making out for all the world to see. This was their safe space, but for me, it showed how inept I was at being myself. All these men had a lifetime of experience that I didn't.

"Let's go somewhere else," I said, turning around.

Nick snagged my hand and pulled me back. "No, this is actually an awesome idea. You can get a taste of the gay nightlife." He threaded our fingers together, and I may have whimpered a little at the intimate contact. "Come on. We can pretend to be boyfriends."

I snatched my hand away and shook my head, storming out of there. The only person I wanted was Nick. I didn't want to dance with anyone else. And I definitely didn't want to pretend to be boyfriends. I wanted to be actual boyfriends. No, I wasn't ready for this.

As soon as we were outside, the bouncer glared at us, but I ignored him. Nick grabbed my elbow and led me away. "Uh, what's wrong? I thought that place was perfect."

Out of earshot of the bouncer, I leaned back against the brick building and looked up at the night sky dimmed by all the lights and traffic.

"I'm not ready," I said, running a hand through my hair, unable to look at Nick. "I'm so out of my league in there. So damned inexperienced. Did you see those guys? They were grinding, dancing with confidence, kissing… I haven't even kissed a guy before… not including you."

"Okay. It's cool. No worries. You should be comfortable, for sure."

I finally looked at him, staring at me with understanding eyes I probably didn't deserve after the way I'd treated him over the years. "Thanks. I… appreciate it. God, I hope I get over this."

I pushed myself off the building and shoved my hands into my pockets because I wanted to hold his hand again.

"You'll get there. I know it. It just takes some adjustment."

"I don't get it."

His thick brows furrowed in confusion. "Get what?"

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

He shrugged and smirked. "Because I understand why you've been such an asshole all this time, and I forgive you. I'm awesome like that. Now, let's go find me a bar where I can learn two-step dancing."

I finally smiled. "Sounds good."

The next bar was just what Nick had been looking for. It was a huge country-western bar. Couples danced the two-step with their partner in a circle around the dance floor. The man led the dance, and the woman went backward, completely trusting her man not to let her fall.

Nick and I sat at the bar, drinking the cheap beer we ordered on tap and people-watching. I felt so out of place in my outfit, and Nick must have, too, because he removed his sports coat but left his shirt collar popped.

"How do I look?" he asked.

"Fine."

Gorgeous .

"Pfft, just fine? I'm hot."

I rolled my eyes. "Then why'd you ask me?"

"I need validation in my life."

I rolled my eyes again. "Sure you do. Your ego is bigger than this bar."

"You wound me."

I chuckled before I chugged down my beer and ordered another.

"Go dance," I said when I noticed some chicks looking at him.

"You sure?"

No .

"That's why we're here, right?"

"Cool!" Nick downed the rest of his beer and meandered off to the group of women, asking one who had dark brown hair like his, but she kept hers to her shoulders with teased bangs.

As he walked off with his hand at the small of her back, a sense of jealousy coursed through me. It was stupid, since he wasn't mine and never would be. I shut down those unwanted feelings because he had every right to dance with a girl and have fun, and I didn't want to dwell on the impossible.

I was also exhausted from being pissed off all the time. While admitting my truth to Nick had been mortifying, it'd also been freeing, like this weight on my shoulders had been slowly crushing me until I admitted to him who I was. Once it slipped off, I stood a little taller. Perhaps I needed to remember that the next time I walked into a gay bar.

Despite the jealousy that refused to leave me, I smiled, watching Nick try to dance, tripping as she led the dance, making her giggle. That was fucking cool, actually. He was confident enough in himself that he could be led by a girl when every other woman in the bar was being led by a man.

When someone sat next to me at the bar, I turned to find one of the girl's friends. If I'd been straight, I would've found her attractive with her blonde bob, purple mini-skirt, white T-shirt, jean jacket, and large gold hoop earrings.

Shit. Here we go .

"Hey, I'm Rachel," she said with a strong southern twang.

"Hey, I'm Logan."

I sipped my beer, suddenly needing something stronger.

"So, are y'all from here? I'm from Knoxville, attendin' the university there."

"I grew up near Washington, DC."

"Oh, how excitin'. I hadn't been there before. I'd love to see the President."

I'd never been one for conversation with people I didn't know. I wasn't sure if it was because I was that introverted or being gay and hiding myself for so long made me that closed off.

I lit a smoke and ordered a Jack and Coke, but didn't offer to buy her anything, not wanting to hint that I was interested.

"So, ah, do you wanna dance?" she finally asked, twirling a strand of hair.

"I… don't dance. Sorry."

She nodded, trying not to look disappointed. I felt bad, but I wouldn't change my mind.

"Well… okay then. See ya, Logan."

"See ya, Rachel."

I didn't watch her walk away with my eyes completely peeled on Nick as he danced and laughed.