11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Nick

Holy Fuck, I knew my question would bother Logan, but I hadn't expected a full-blown temper tantrum, though there looked to be a hint of panic in those hazel eyes of his. What the hell? I clearly hit a nerve, but I had no idea how or why.

I hadn't meant to upset him. When he mentioned his worry about being alone, I wondered how much of that had been his own doing and why he separated from people so much. That was more than being introverted.

Despite his demands to back off, his reaction was all the more reason to press on, not only because I was dying of curiosity, but something was clearly getting to him, and he needed to talk about it. Getting that wound up showed he had shit he wasn't dealing with.

This was an overreaction, and there had to be a reason. Whatever it was, it must have been big.

We'd learned a lot about each other in such a short time and were finally getting along. I wasn't about to back off now. If he needed to hit something, then he could hit me. So be it.

"For the love of god, Nick. Leave before I fucking lose it on your face!" Logan stepped up close to me, towering and intimidating. I wouldn't lie; he scared me a little.

"Then lose it because I'm not leaving. Tell me why my question has you this on edge."

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you, too! I'm still not leaving. Talk to me."

"No!"

Logan paced through the rocks and dirt along the water's edge, running a hand through his thick hair. "Fuck, fuck, fuck…" he ranted.

Yeah, this was like first-class overkill for a question about loneliness. Something was definitely wrong with him. Being angry and pissed off had been Logan's personality growing up, and we physically fought often, but I'd never seen him wigging out like this.

I reached for his arm, but when I touched him, he lashed out like a cornered animal I'd burned and shoved my chest. I went stumbling back, but righted myself before I fell on my ass. My chest hurt, but I could take it. We'd come to blows often enough.

I rushed at him and shoved him back, but his big and strong body barely budged an inch. "Don't fucking get physical! Use your words for a change. I'm sick of this grunting and growling one minute, then smiling and talking the next. You're giving me fucking whiplash, Logan. I didn't mean to hurt you with my questions. I'm only concerned. Your reaction is, like, totally over the top. You're being more fucking intense than normal."

He paced again, mumbling to himself. "I tried so hard… So fucking hard. I should've known… stupid, stupid."

I wasn't always emotionally intelligent, so I was at a loss as to what else to do.

He finally stopped and stood towering right over me again. He was so close that I felt the angry heat coming from his skin, smelled the cigarettes on his clothes, and the sweat on his skin, along with something else—like his soap.

"Go away!"

I folded my arms. "No."

"Stubborn fucker… always pushing my damn buttons. You love pissing me off. Is this a game to you? Is that what this is? You know, don't you, so you just, what? Want to fuck with me? To show me how inept I am at all this? Humiliate me?"

I huffed and shook my head at a complete loss. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Not Brother ." Yeah, I said it, knowing it would piss him off more, but I didn't appreciate him accusing me of things I didn't do. That shit pissed me off, too. I had no problems admitting when I was wrong, like when I scratched his record, but this was nuts.

"Don't call me that," he hissed.

"Here, let me say the words slower. Not . Brother ."

When Logan fisted my shirt and lifted me so close our faces hovered an inch apart, I tensed, ready for the blow. "Let's keep this simple and go back to hating each other, yeah?"

My hands gripped his wrists, trying to pry him off, but it was useless with his hulk-like grip. "You pissed me off all the time, but I never hated you."

His brow furrowed for a moment before they softened with some sort of understanding in his eyes that I wasn't privy to. "You will now, I guarantee it."

Before I could respond, Logan's lips slammed into mine. My eyes grew wide as I stared at how close his face was and felt how soft his lips were.

Holy fuck, what's happening here?

He pulled away, leaving me gasping before he shoved me back and glared. "See, now you can hate me as much as I hate you."

While the words fucking stung, I didn't believe him for a second. He was fighting something, and I started to doubt it was me.

"Why would I hate you?"

His jaw dropped to the ground. "What the fuck? I kissed you."

I scoffed. "You call that a kiss? You literally just hit my mouth with yours."

He growled at himself. "It wasn't supposed to work out like this, dammit."

"Oh, for the love of god, can you please explain to me what the fuck is going on? You're being mental!"

Logan's brows furrowed, and he frowned, shaking his head and rubbing his neck, looking thoroughly confused. "You… don't know?"

I tossed my hands in the air. "Know what, dammit?" Maybe I was being dense, but the puzzle pieces simply weren't connecting. I was too agitated and confused to figure this shit out.

Logan's body deflated like a balloon, and he sank to the ground with a frustrated sigh. Then he bent over, placing his head between his knees, and heaved quiet sobs.

God, I really wasn't equipped for this. Our parents were cool, but they raised us to suck it up or shake it off most of the time. For as long as I'd known him, I'd never seen Logan cry.

I sat down next to him and patted his back awkwardly. At least he didn't flinch away this time.

"I'm… gay." His voice sounded raw, raspy, and full of pain.

Do you know that moment when you're working on a puzzle, and you can't quite visualize what the image is yet, then after adding a few more pieces, it all becomes clear? That was my moment. The past several years just snapped into place between Logan isolating himself, working out all the time, playing football even though he didn't seem to enjoy it all that much, and barely acknowledging girls. Hell, he'd been completely disinterested in those girls at the amusement park yesterday. Then there was his anger. Fuck, no wonder he was pissed all the time. I could damn well imagine how lonely his life could be, hiding your true self like that.

And in snapped the last puzzle piece. Logan's fear of being alone for the rest of his life. It wasn't legal for gay men to marry, right?

I didn't know shit about being gay, not one bit. I'd never met anyone gay before, or openly anyway, or what the laws were. It hadn't even been a blip on my radar until now. Sure, there'd been shit on the news, but I never really paid all that much attention to it.

"You're gay?" It was a stupid-ass question since Logan had told me he was, but I was still processing.

"No, shit. You said it. I barely dated. How could you not tell I was fucking gay? I thought with all your questioning that you'd figured it out."

"Like, I don't know. I just thought you couldn't find anyone and were alone because you're such an asshole."

He snorted a half-laugh and half-sob between his thighs, refusing to look at me. "That's a fair assessment."

I smiled and shook my head. "Why did you assume I would hate you?"

He shrugged. "Fear."

"Honestly, dude, I know shit about being gay and have no opinions on it whatsoever. We live in a tiny town surrounded by a big city, but I got nothing. I don't hate you if that's what you're worried about… or is that what you want? It's hard to tell."

He looked up and wiped his face. "You don't?"

"Nope. You're officially the first gay person I've met."

"Yay, me," he said dryly.

I chuckled, but I was relieved that we cleared the air about some things. "So, I'm going out on a limb here, judging by your earlier over-the-top reaction to my questions, that this isn't a… choice."

He shook his head. "No, I've known since I was a kid. I definitely wouldn't have picked this life at that age. Hell, I knew nothing about sex at all or even gave a shit about dating anyone."

"I see. And explain to me why you ‘kissed me,'" I air-quoted with my fingers.

Logan scowled, his eyes still leaking. "What the fuck are the air quotes for?"

"Because, dude, that wasn't a kiss."

"Well, then, what was it?"

"As I said, you literally hammered my mouth with yours."

His face morphed from a scowl to something softer, then to a smile, and suddenly he started laughing. That was the best fucking sound in the world. "Yeah, I'm not so good at kissing."

"Yeah, I can tell."

He bumped my shoulder, still smiling, loving this lighter side to him. I especially loved that he'd calmed the hell down finally. It was like all that heavy shit fell off his shoulders when he told me his truth.

"Ass," he said, but in no way cruelly.

"Seriously, like, why did you kiss me? I was honestly expecting a punch in the face."

Logan sighed and picked at the cuticle on his thumb. "Because I wanted you to hate me and just get it over with. I assumed you'd figured out my secret."

He wasn't telling me everything. I could tell there was a lie in there somewhere, or it wasn't a complete truth because it didn't quite ring true, but I wouldn't push. This had been a lot for Logan. Telling someone you were gay must have been fucking hard.

"I'm sorry," he said, wiping away a couple of stray tears. "The fear can be gripping sometimes. And it's lonely as hell. At the same time, I just want to shout out to the stars and say, ‘fuck it.'"

That was the first time I truly got Logan. "I actually get that. I can't imagine how hard it must be to pretend to be someone else all the time. It must be fucking exhausting."

He looked at me with understanding in his eyes, and maybe there was a hint of appreciation. "It really is."

"I'm assuming Hunter knows?"

"Yeah, he's known as soon as I figured it out."

"He's a good friend."

"He's the fucking best."

"I never understood your friendship with you being so different from each other, but I get it now."

He wrapped his arms around his legs, resting his head on his knees as he stared out at the calm water, no longer reflecting the moon as it passed on over the hills. I'd never seen Logan so vulnerable. While I didn't understand his sexuality, I wanted him to be comfortable around me.

"You asked me tonight why I'm afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. People like me aren't made to have happy endings, Nick. Sure, gay men find each other, date, fuck, or whatever, but there's no marriage and definitely no kids."

"Are you sure about that? I mean, I don't know the laws. And there's surrogacy if you want kids, right?"

He shrugged. "I… don't know, honestly."

"Do you think maybe you're doing a lot of projecting from your fears?"

He shrugged. "I could be, I guess."

"I think we should find out more about the laws before you fall into despair. I don't mean to diminish your feelings, but I think we should look into this more if family's what you want."

"We?"

I smiled at him and shook my head. "Yeah, we, dumbass."

"What about Dad? What will he think if he learns the truth? What about Mia?"

His fear rolled off him so strongly that even I felt it. "I'm sure Wyatt will be fine with it, right? I mean, he loves you, Logan. Mom does, too."

"It terrifies me sometimes."

"Logan," I said forcefully enough to get him to look at me.

"You also thought I'd hate you, yet here I am, talking to you openly about this and your fears."

God, his eyes were filled with a desperate need to be accepted. I could only imagine what it was like to hide yourself, all alone out there among your friends, family, and teammates. Shit, if his teammates had learned of it, they probably would've kicked him off the team at best.

"Thanks, Nick."

That was all he said, and I'd accept it. "Anytime, Logan. From now on, you and I will start fresh. We have a new road ahead of us, and not just the one we're driving on, but a road where you can be yourself without fear and one where we can finally get along. Deal?"

"Deal."