47. KADENCE
KADENCE
T he next few days after Santa Barbara fly by as the guys prepare for their run. I’ve barely seen Holden and despite the shit he and Cole are going through, they’ve spent most of that time together planning.
Even though we spend every night and morning together, I miss him. Something shifted between us during our time away and I know that we both feel it. Saying I love you isn’t the only thing that has changed between us but now the shared glances, the lingering touches they all feel deeper.
Today though, I’m curled up in bed. Blake’s lying next to me, flipping through random channels on the TV while my mind wanders to Holden. My eyes are closed when I hear the door open and close.
“How do you even watch anything on this TV? There’s nothing good to watch.” Blake’s voice rings through the room.
“I have better things to watch than the TV, Porter,” he chuckles, and it makes the corners of my mouth turn up. I open my eyes to glance at him as he wraps his arms around me and slides into the bed next to me.
“I’m going to ignore the fact that you tried making a dirty joke and go get us dinner.” She slides off the other side of the bed. “Tell her to eat, or I’m forcing food down her throat.”
“I’d like to see you try, Blake,” I quip, glancing at her with a grin on my face. We’ve grown closer since the meeting with the Skulls.
Blake laughs as she heads towards the door. “I honestly would love to see you try and fight me.”
“We both know I’d win!”
“Whatever you say, Andrews!” She yells as the door closes behind her.
Holden grins down at me. “You seem to be feeling better.” His lips brush over my forehead. It’s sweet and soft but I know he’s checking for a fever again.
“It’s hard not to feel happy around Blake.” I admit pressing a soft kiss to his jawline, “and I haven’t eaten, so no more puking. I just feel exhausted.”
“Probably because you haven’t eaten anything, Sunflower.” He grabs my chin gently, lifting my gaze to his. “Promise me you’ll try to eat something and drink water while I’m gone.”
My heart rate picks up when I realize what day it is. “You guys are headed out?”
The look on his face turns somber. “Yeah, I was coming to say goodbye but…”
“I’ll be fine. Blake will be here with me.” I try to smile but the anxiety about them doing this run starts to seep in again. Heightened by the exhaustion, my body feels it leaves a sinking feeling in my gut. His brows furrow. “You have to go, Holden. If you don’t it’ll just make things worse between the club and the Skulls.”
“I should have never told you what was going on,” he sighs. “I hate that you’re worried.”
“I’d rather worry than be kept in the dark,” I counter, moving to sit up. It takes more effort than it should for me to slide up and sit against the headboard. The dull throb in my head heightens for a moment as I move and my eyes slide closed to get my bearings.
“Baby,” he whispers, his hand combing through my tangled hair. “I’ll stay. The guys can do this without me.”
I shake my head, opening my eyes to look at him because now the worry in his own voice is doing nothing to shake my nerves. “No, I’ll be fine.”
“Maybe we should call Lang?” He suggests with furrowed brows. Those ice blue eyes scan me as if he’s looking for other injuries though everything I’m feeling is internal.
“Holden,” I chuckle softly. “I’ll be okay. It’s just the flu or something. It’ll go away.” My eyes meet his and it takes everything I have to put on a brave face for him. We both know he has to go on this run with the guys. It’s their only chance to not start a war with the other clubs. They can’t afford it. “Go,” I nudge him with my foot and smile, “I’ll be fine.”
“You’re killin’ me, Sunflower.” He chuckles softly, pressing his lips to my forehead. “You’ll call me if you need anything, yeah?”
I nod. “I will only if it’s an emergency.”
He frowns. “I’m going to go before this turns into a fight.”
I laugh and shake my head. “I don’t want to fight with you, Nash. I’ll be fine, you’re worried for no reason.”
His brow raises as he shoots me a glare. The corner of my mouth turns upwards. I’ve never had someone who cares so much about me. Who worries about me. It’s a strange feeling but it’s not one that I’m afraid to indulge in with him.
The apartment door swings open and Blake strides back in with Cole on her heels. Her hand is covering her eyes. “You two decent?”
I chuckle as Cole rolls his eyes. “Nash, we gotta go.”
“Don’t let him do anything stupid,” I say, glancing up at Cole.
“I won’t.”
“Can I get a little bit more credit than that please?” Holden says standing up off of the bed. “He’s the one who does stupid shit.”
Blake plops down on the bed next to me with a mystery bag of food and laughs. “You both do stupid shit and you get Wyatt to do it with you.”
“On that note,” Cole says, smacking his hand over Holden’s shoulder. “Let’s go.”
Holden leans down and kisses me again, lingering for a moment before pulling back. “Anything at all,” he murmurs, searching my eyes, “you call me. Got it?”
“Yes, sir,” I whisper, pecking his lips once more before pushing against his chest. “Now go.”
Holden stands straight and glances down at me before looking at Blake. “Blake.”
“We’ve been over this a million times, Nash. I got her.” Blake doesn’t even glance up from the TV. “We’ll be fine. Kadence will eat and I’ll be here.”
“Can we please stop forcing food down my throat?” I ask, glancing between the three of them.
Both Holden and Blake shoot me a look. “No.”
“Get out, all of you,” I laugh.
With one more kiss to the top of my head, Holden and Cole head out of the room. A few minutes later, I can hear the roar of their motorcycles fade off into the distance. My heart pounds as I silently begin the countdown of when they’ll be back.
“They’ll be fine,” Blake says, nudging me softly. “You sure you’ll be fine? You’re looking a little green again.” She winces.
“I’ll be fine. What did you bring for food?”
“The boys grabbed burgers and fries. I may have swindled a couple from Scottie.” She grins. “He folded like a cheap lawn chair when I said they were for you.”
“I doubt that,” I laugh as I grab the bag of food. My stomach turns at the smell of the grease and burnt meat and even with nothing in my stomach I freeze to fight off the bile creeping up my throat. “Oh God,” I groan, fighting with the sheets as I crawl out of the bed and run to the bathroom.
“Hey, whoa!” Blake hollers after me.
I dry heave into the toilet, my chest clenching and throat already sore and raw. I hear the bathroom sink turn on while my head is still buried in the toilet and a moment later as I sink to the floor, a glass of water appears in front of me. “Are you sure this is just the flu?” Blake asks.
I take the glass from Blake and glare up at her. “What else would it be?”
“How long have you and Nash been… you know,” she says, wiggling her eyebrows.
“Having sex?”
Blake nods.
“I mean… a few weeks.” I look up at her. My head is still foggy and now pounding harder than before.
“Protected?”
“Blake!” I groan, trying to get up off the floor. Blake wraps a hand around my arm and helps me up.
“I’m serious, Kade. What if you’re pregnant?” Blake says in a hushed whisper as if anyone else could hear us.
I look at Blake.
“I’m not pregnant. I can’t be.” I shake my head, denial setting in. There’s no way I can be pregnant. Holden and I haven’t been together that long and with everything that’s happened before I’m not even sure if I can have kids again, let alone want them.
Blake’s brows furrow but she doesn’t say anything.
“I’m not,” I say again. But what if I am? Blake’s right, we haven’t been using protection and lately, have been extremely reckless with our sex life. “ Fuck . I can’t be pregnant Blake. I can’t.” It feels like my heart is beating out of my chest as the realization hits me.
“Okay,” Blake breathes. “It’s going to be okay. We don’t know for sure if you are.”
“What if I am though?” I ask. “What if…” I know Holden loves me and I love him but our relationship is just starting, our life together is just starting. How the hell are we going to survive if a baby gets thrown into the mix and into the shit that’s still unresolved?
“Hey.” Blake cups her hands around my cheeks, holding my face. “No matter what happens, you will be okay. You and Holden will be okay.”
My face crumples as I stare at my friend. “What do I do?” I ask in a soft broken whisper.
“We’ll get a test and find out. Then we can freak out together.” She flashes me a warm smile. “And try something other than burgers for you to eat because he will kill me if he finds out you’re pregnant and I didn’t force feed you.”
“That’s not funny,” I say with a ghost of a smile. “He loves you too much to kill you.”
“Yeah, but he loves you a hell of a lot more and I know for a fact that if you are pregnant, he’ll love the shit out of that kid.”
Tears prick at the corners of my eyes. Deep down I know that. Holden is a great man with a fucked up past, but I know we’re one and the same.
“No,” Blake says suddenly. “Don’t you start crying because if you start, I’m going to start.” Her eyes gloss over with tears as we look at each other. I bite my bottom lip. “Stop it, Andrews!” Blake whines, letting me go. “I’m going to run to the clubhouse, the girl’s room has to have a pregnancy test in there somewhere.”
“Oh God.” I turn and leave the bathroom, falling onto the bed.
Blake follows me, slipping into her shoes. “I’ll be back.”
I groan, covering my face. “Okay.”
The door to the apartment closes and another groan leaves me. The nausea I had ten minutes ago has moved aside in my stomach to make way for a pit of anxiety. Even as I wonder what life with Holden would be like I can’t help but think back to the first time I got pregnant. When I found out I was terrified. Jeremy wasn’t happy at first but the minute he figured out it was just another way to control me, his tune changed. In all honesty, I wasn’t happy either until the flutters and the first ultrasound.
I had gone to that ultrasound alone. I wanted one thing for myself. One memory that wasn’t tainted by the man who haunted my home.
An image of Holden looming over my shoulder while he tries to figure out what the images on the ultrasound screen are flashes in my mind. A huge grin spread over his face and his hand tangled in mine as we anxiously wait to find out if it’s true. It makes my heart flutter with excitement and anxiety. The terrifying feelings I had the first time feel a lifetime away now.
Blake throws the door open, forcing me to sit up. She grins, waving a pink box in the air. “Found it and it terrifies me how many they have stashed in that room.” Blake cringes before tearing the box open and handing me the wrapped test.
“I don’t even want to know why that is,” I mutter, standing up staring at the test. With a deep breath I look up at Blake who gives me a smile.
“You can do this.”
“I can do this,” I repeat as I move into the bathroom and tear the test open. Within a few minutes, I’m going to know whether or not our lives are about to change.
“I just wanna say, I’m really happy you’re letting me be a part of this.” Blake’s voice comes through the door.
“If you’re trying to make me cry, you’re going to succeed,” I respond as I wash my hands, setting the test upside down.
“I mean I’m not trying to.” she says through the wood. After a few moments her voice floats through again. “Anything?”
I take a deep breath and pick up the test. Enough time has passed that the test should be ready. I look down at it and my heart stops.
“Kade?” Reaching over, I open the door. Tears fall down my cheeks as I show Blake the test. Her eyes go wide before looking back up at me. “Oh, honey,” she says softly, throwing her arms around my neck and hugging me tightly.
Our lives are about to change and our world just got a little bigger.