22. KADENCE

KADENCE

N o, no, no, no. This isn’t happening.

Images of my old home, me and Jeremy flicker across the screen in front of me. Everything that I’ve been worrying of unfolding is right in front of my eyes. Lies. It’s all lies. But the looks on the three men’s faces tell me they don’t care. I’m cornered.

I look at Holden. His eyes have gone cold, iced over and the warmth I found in them this morning completely snubbed out by everything that I’ve been running from. He shoves past Trey, leaving me in the lion’s den.

“Holden!” I move towards the door but Trey has already filled the frame, “Move!”

Trey shakes his head, “he’s gone. Took off on his bike.”

I stumble back again, feeling everything crash down around me. I was going to tell him but the cocoon we made this morning, the promises… it just wasn’t the right time. I should have told him. Goddamnit, I should have said something.

“I want answers.” Cole suddenly fills my space, too close for my comfort, “is that true?”

“O’Neil,” Dex’s voice booms in the small room, “back off for a goddamn second!” I hear the chair he’s in roll backward as he stands, rounding the table. “She’s terrified, look at her.”

Raging blue eyes rake over me before letting out a huff of air. I can feel the anger radiating off of him as he turns from me. “Start talking Kade.” He bites and pushes for answers I’m not ready to give but because of his public display…Jeremy doesn’t give me a choice. Dex is right, I’m plastered over the entire country right now as Jeremy spins up a web of disgusting lies and feeds them to the media on a silver fucking spoon.

“Sit,” Dex urges, pulling out a chair for me, “Trey get her some water.”

“But–” Trey protests until Dex shoots him a look, “Jesus Christ. Back for one fucking night and hell breaks loose.” He mutters, turning from the doorway and disappearing down the hallway.

I sit down in the chair, doing everything I can to keep myself together though the tears stinging my eyes aren’t from sadness. It’s now anger rolling through me in waves. He left me. Left me here to deal with the aftermath of everything.

Holden is never going to believe me.

Dex slides the chair out next to me, sitting himself down in it. I can feel his dark eyes roaming my features. “O’Neil if you don’t calm the fuck down, I’m kicking you out.” Even Dex can feel the tension in the room crackling and splitting down the wood table like a fire.

I suck in a breath, my eyes falling closed at the idea of reliving everything. The last thing I want to do is go down fucked up memory lane with men I hardly know. I don’t want any of them to look at me like some kicked puppy. I’m not that person anymore, or I hope I’m not.

“He’s lying.” I sigh, running my hands over my face.

Cole lets out a long breath and I hope it’s to calm himself down. I need him calm. I need myself calm and the only thing grounding me right now is the man I’ve barely spoken more than a few words to sitting next to me.

“What do you mean?” his deep voice drops into a whisper.

A glass of water appears in front of me before the door clicks shut. Trey takes a chair across from us, leaning back and I can feel his glare boring into me. Cole leans against the window behind him, large arms crossing over his chest.

My eyes slide closed, images of that night bubbling just below the surface.

“Jeremy is my ex-fiance. That much was true.” I say so quietly that I’m not even sure if they hear me. “But I never burned down that townhome. I loved–” I suck in a breath, my chin trembling as the words get stuck in my throat, “I sold it after everything happened.”

“You are running.” Cole speaks, shaking his head.

“Not for the reasons you think,” I finally look up at him, “I was pregnant with his child.”

Dex tilts his head as I glance over to him watching his brows pull together, his jaw ticking. “You don’t have a child now do you?”

I shake my head. Tears bite at the corners of my eyes again as I breathe in, “I had a miscarriage after–” I want to be anywhere else right now. The crushing weight of the bottom of the ocean would be more comfortable than the suffocating memories flooding me.

None of them say anything, as if the weight of my words is finally sinking in.

“The man on the screen?” I nod my chin to the TV, “The grief-stricken, worried boyfriend? It’s an act. It always has been.”

“What did he do to you?” Dex asks. Only this time, I can hear his teeth grinding against each other as he speaks. Something within the way his jaw ticks and the dark flames flicker behind the dark brown in his eyes tell me he already knows.

A laugh bubbles from my throat as the night begins to replay in my head. “Everything… anything that he could that wasn’t obvious. I made lasagna that night… he didn’t want lasagna.”

Dex’s gaze flickers to the two men sitting and standing across from us. “I didn’t fold his socks correctly. I ate way too much of the tiny portions he would only allow me to eat.” It’s like a different person is talking as I stare at the wolf engraved into the wooden table. “So I was punished.”

“Punished?” he asks gently, my eyes flicker to his.

I nod, “A slap across the back of the head usually, that was his quickest and less cruel of punishments.”

“What happened?” Cole asks, “To make you run?”

“What did I fucking tell you!” A loud crash echoes through the kitchen. I’ve backed myself into the same corner I always did. The one that allows the dining room table to separate me and the rage. “I said this goddamn morning that I wanted anything but fucking pasta!”

My eyes squeeze shut, his voice ringing through my ears.

“I ran from him that night instead of taking it like I usually did, but things were different. He hadn’t been cruel since we found out about the baby. Well, not as cruel. But I was stuck and when he finally got a hold of me,” my voice breaks but everything inside of me went numb, “it wasn’t until I got to the hospital that I found out I had lost the baby.”

Dex’s head drops as the three of them stare at me. This is what I was afraid of, I don’t want to be pitied or to be felt sorry for. I want to forget everything and just… live whatever resemblance of a life I have left.

“I’m sorry,” the first apology comes from Cole and my eyes flicker to him. The rage is gone and replaced by the softest shade of blue in his eyes, “why didn’t you just tell–”

“To complete strangers? Would you want to relive your worst nightmare?” I cut him off, “I just wanted to get away Cole. I wanted to live my life without the judgment and the lies that everyone was so quick to believe.”

“What about your family?” He asks, his brows knitting together when I laugh.

“What family?” I shake my head, “Jeremy had my mother, if you can even call her that, wrapped around his finger the moment she laid eyes on him. She’s dating the doctor who helped me that day. They’re off on some island in the Bahamas. She hasn’t been my mother for a very long time.”

“So you’re alone?” The question comes from Trey this time.

“Since I was ten.” I confirm nodding as I glance at the men around me.

Trey shakes his head, “it doesn’t make any sense, why the news junket then?”

I take a deep breath, “because he doesn’t quit. He was put through what he deemed was hell after everything happened. He was arrested, but he’s a Lieutenant in one of the largest counties in Florida. Embarrassments like that don’t get taken lightly and when half of the force believed their so-called brother over his dramatic girlfriend and the other half wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He lost his fast track to Sheriff even if they did sweep everything under their rug.”

Cole shakes his head as he rounds the table kneeling next to me, “You weren’t being dramatic.” He confirms for me. I know that deep down, but I stayed with him longer than I should have. Something I hated myself for, for longer than I want to admit.

“Tell that to the hundreds of death threats I got.” I let out a shaky sigh, “people were more upset about the fact that he was put in a cell than the fact that he murdered his unborn child or at least caused it.”

Dex huffs a breath, his fist slamming against the table, startling me. His gaze flickers back to me, “I’m sorry,” he mutters.

“No,” I shake my head, “I should have never let you pick me up that night or offer me a place here.” My gaze trails over to Cole. He sucks in a breath, his eyes going softer than before, and shakes his head.

“Out of everywhere you could have ended up Kade,” he reaches for me, his hand resting on my forearm, “this might have been the best of them. But…” his voice trailed off, “from now on, honesty.” His head tilts to the side, “that’s all I’m askin’.”

I nod, “that’s not all.”

Cole shifts on the balls of his feet, his grip on my arm tightening for just a moment before releasing me. It’s not meant to hurt me, it feels more like him trying to comfort me.

“I got a text from an unknown number last night before we left Marlowe’s.”

“From Jeremy?” He asks, his gaze flicking between the men as if they’re all having a silent conversation I’m not privy to.

“Yeah,” I sigh, “it’s what drove Holden and me to leave last night, or rather me to go with him, among other things.” I feel the blush creep up on the back of my neck at the remembrance of his lips on mine before the pit of guilt in my stomach becomes weighty.

Dex sighs, “gotta admit, he works fast.”

I stand pulling myself from Cole’s grasp, “I need to tell him. He needs to know that I wouldn’t–” The lump in my throat returns at the idea of him believing Jeremy. As angry as I am that he left, I meant what I said to him. “Where would he go?”

The three men share a look, another part of the conversation I’m not privy to. “What?”

“He’s at his house or the club.” Dex says plainly, but the grimace that passes over Cole’s features tells me there’s more to that sentence.

Cole stands with a sigh, “are you sure you want to go after him?” he asks. There’s something hidden behind the question.

I nod, “I have to. I can’t let Jeremy ruin another good thing for me.”

The words fall out of my mouth before I even realize it. Holden is good for me, he challenges me and has done so much more in the last week to show me he cares more than Jeremy ever has in the four years we were together.

“I’ll take you to him, but…” Cole’s voice trails off, “I can’t promise he’s going to want to speak to you. Holden is hard headed and stubborn, if he even has an inkling that what Jeremy said was true, he won’t back down easily.”

“I don’t need him to back down,” I say, “I just need him to listen to me.”

He studies me for a moment as I square my shoulders. I’m not ready to give up on him, even if he’s trying to give up on me. I know deep down he wouldn’t have reacted the way he did if there weren't some sort of feelings there. I’m banking on it.

“Cole, we have that meeting with Stokes,” Trey reminds, “he’s not going to take kindly to you not being there.”

I shoot him a look.

“I’ll take her,” Dex says from behind me, “you don’t need me there if you take Trey and Stokes will be more receptive if Holden and I aren’t there.”

I turn to the man who had quickly protected me from Cole earlier. My gaze meets his and he gives me a brief nod. “Thank you.” I say softly.

Dex shakes his head, “don’t, Holden won’t like that I’m with you but somethin’ in those pretty green eyes tells me you’ll have him handled.” I try to hide the surprise on my face when the corners of his mouth quirk up.

I feel Cole’s hand rest on my elbow, “can I talk to you? Alone.”

“I’ll wait for you outside,” Dex confirms before leaving the room, Trey following behind him and letting the door click shut.

I’m not sure why the nervousness has returned to me as he leans against the edge of the table. His hands card through his hair, pushing it back behind his ears. I know he’s still pissed, I can feel the heat radiating off of him like a screaming furnace. But I can’t tell if it’s now still directed at me or something else.

“What happened last night?” He asks suddenly, his gaze drifting to mine. His eyes are a piercing blue that only makes me feel that much more nervous. I knit my brows together, confused by his question. “With Watson?”

“Stokes didn’t tell you?” I ask, unable to mask the annoyance in my voice.

His tongue flickers over his bottom lip, the corners of his mouth ghosting a grin, “He told me, but I don’t trust Stokes.”

“And you trust me?” I quip, knowing I’m pushing him. Cole has brought me into his circle and given me a home, and I’ve returned that by bringing Jeremy practically to their doorstep.

He shakes his head, “I do. I probably shouldn’t, but I do.” Cole cemented with a nod, “what happened?”

I study him for a moment, “Watson pulled Holden and I over, provoked Holden until he snapped and then cuffed him.”

“That’s all?” Cole pushes.

“He used Becca to get under his skin.” I don’t miss the tick in his jaw at the mention of her name. Something in his eyes turns dark and cold as I watch him. “I don’t think he thought I could hear them but Watson made it sound like he was responsible for Becca’s death.”

Cole’s silent for a moment and I figure that he’s going over every scenario in his head, worst case, best case, either way I have a feeling none of them are good. Watson terrifies me, he has the same terrifying look in his eyes that Jeremy has. Laced with cruelty and a need for control. Even when he stopped me on the street, I could feel myself recoil away from him like he had a black cloud over his head that swarmed and swirled with darkness.

“He knows my real name, Cole.” Knowing what the implications of that meant, his eyes focused back on me, “if he sees the news feed…” I pause, “There’s nothing stopping him from bringing Jeremy to your doorstep.”

“Watson is smart,” Cole counters, “he won’t show his cards right away.” “That’s what scares me the most.” He pushes himself up off the table, his hands resting firmly on my shoulders. Cole dips his head to catch my eyes and as our gazes meet, the darkness I see in them is replaced by something softer. He tugs me to his chest, his arms wrapping around me. I know he won’t promise everything will be okay. We both know he can’t guarantee it.

“The club will protect you.” He says flatly and with about as much reassurance as he can muster.

I take it even if the words are hard to believe. Cole doesn’t owe me anything, neither does the club. Believing that a group of men that I don’t know will protect me sits uncomfortably in my chest.

“I’ll protect you.” He finally says as if he can feel my uneasiness seep into his chest. “Go find Holden, tell him what you told me, and bring him back.”

Something else that sits heavy on my chest. I’m not entirely sure that he’ll believe me or want to hear me out. I lied to him when he told me his darkest secrets, took me to a place that meant more to him than anything and gave me every chance to come clean… and I didn’t. I hid behind the full truth of what happened to me and gave him just enough that it would quell that curious look he gets whenever his eyes find mine. He doesn’t have to give me anything more now. If he wants out of whatever this is between us I just gave him the chance.

“I’ll do my best,” I whisper against him. He pulls back from me, giving me a weak knowing smile.

He walks me out into the main room of the clubhouse. Scottie and Dex are standing near the bar, speaking in hushed tones. Scottie’s normal smile falters as soon as his dark eyes land on me. He tosses a quick nod in my direction and Dex turns to look at me. It’s then that I know Scottie knows everything now, too.

“We’ll talk later,” Cole says leaning into me before leaving me to head out the door.

I make my way over to the men. I swallow the nervousness building in me, forcing the courage I have remaining to drag me across the room.

“You ready?” Dex asks, but my eyes are still on Scottie.

“You know?” I ask, ignoring Dex’s question which from the huff he lets out, makes me acutely aware that he isn't used to it.

Scottie nods, his hand resting on my shoulder tentatively but when I don’t flinch away from him as he probably expects me to he squeezes my shoulder gently. “We’ll make this fucker pay if he comes after you.”

I suck in a breath as my gaze flickers over to Dex, “I’m hoping he won’t.” I say, “but that’s a child’s wish.”

“It’s not a child’s wish to want to be safe,” Scottie says with a sad expression. Tears start prickling in my eyes again. Not because I’m sad or angry anymore. But he’s looking at me the way someone who cares would and it’s then that I realize I’ve only ever seen that look twice outside of the men in the club. Once with my father and the second when Maria helped me leave.

I should call Maria. By now the news junket has spread across the country; it’s only a matter of time before I would get a slew of text messages and phone calls.

“We should get going,” Dex suggests nodding his head towards the exit, dark eyes flickering back to Scottie, “keep your phone on, if O’Neil and Falcone need back up, you call me.”

Dex steps back, giving me room to move towards the door before following behind me. My heart hammers against my chest the closer I get to the outside. What if he doesn’t believe me? What if everything he promised last night and again this morning is just a ploy to get me in bed with him? But he had me in bed and stopped me from going faster than I knew I was ready for. Deep down I know that his promises aren’t empty.

“Stop second guessing him,” Dex mumbles as he holds the door open for me, “Nash is a lot of things, stubborn-headed, but not stupid.”

I peer back at him until his steps match my own and he’s walking with me, “what do you mean?”

“I saw the way he looked at you,” the tips of his fingers reach out, pointing to his bike, “a man like Nash doesn’t look at women like that very often. Whatever happened last night changed him.”

I shake my head with a laugh, “I don’t know if I–”

“Trust me sweetheart, I’ve seen him with the Lunas around the club. They ain’t nothin’ more than something for him to do.” Dex lifts his helmet from the seat and holds it out for me, “and I sure as shit haven’t seen him storm off the way he did with one of them either.”

I slip the helmet over my hair before climbing onto the bike behind him, “you think I can get through to him?” I ask over his shoulder.

Dex peers back at me, “I think if anyone can it’s you, just gotta find him first.”

I nod as my hands grip the sides of his vest. I have to hold on to that hope that Holden will listen to me, just… give me the chance to tell him the truth because now, I’m not so sure if I can handle him not being around.