20. HOLDEN

HOLDEN

I don’t remember falling asleep last night, but I know that when my eyes open this morning, it feels like the first real sleep I’ve had in a while. The first night of sleep that didn't consist of nightmares or phantoms of my past haunting me.

I slept.

Really slept and I know that it isn’t a coincidence that the first time I’ve been able to is because she’s next to me.

My head rolls to the side. Kadence is flat on her stomach, arm tucked under her pillow with the comforter pulled up to her chin. Part of me wishes that she’s wrapped around me like a ribbon, but after last night, I know now I’m going to have to take a step back. Let her control the speed of whatever train we’re riding on and knowing that she took everything I told her last night and didn’t push me away only makes it that much easier.

Still, I’ve been staring up at the ceiling contemplating everything that happened. The million different ways I want to string Watson up by his feet and let him hang there until nothing is left. Even if he had nothing to do with Becca.

Deep down, I’m still pissed off at Cole. My cheek is fucking throbbing this morning, though it isn’t anything I can’t handle. Cole hit me like a bitch. I wasn’t sure when Stokes crawled so far up my brother’s ass but running the club based on Stokes’s terms is getting old, and as much as I don’t want to, I need to talk to Trey.

It’s still early enough that the shop won’t be open yet. I can sneak into the clubhouse and probably find Trey scarfing down the muffins that Marlowe keeps hidden in the cupboard above the fridge.

I scoff softly, freezing when feeling her shift next to me. Sneak . I’m thinking about sneaking into my clubhouse. My fucking home that the more I lay next to her, feels less and less like one. I didn’t think in such a short amount of time, my world would shrink so far but something about her feels familiar and safe.

Before I can stop myself I roll onto my side, dragging my fingertips carefully through her hair, tucking it behind her ear. She hums softly, making me smile like fucking schoolboy.

“Morning,” she whispers. It’s full of rasp but soft enough that it sends chills up my spine.

My tongue runs over my bottom lip as I draw circles on her shoulder blade, slow and soft, scared that if I stop she’ll vanish into thin air. “Morning.”

Her eyes flutter open. Those jade green hues squint up at me, the sunbathing directly over her, letting the speckles of blue hidden within shine bright.

“You want some coffee?” I ask, forcing myself into a normal conversation and hiding the fact that blush is creeping up my neck at how she looks adorned in my t-shirt and sunlight that only gives light to every little perfectly imperfect freckle and line in her face.

A soft smile spreads across her lips as she rolls onto her side, groaning gently and stretching her limbs. “I could go for some coffee.” Her lip finds home between her teeth as she stares up at me. “But not before this...”

I swear my stomach flips as her hand rests against my chest and she moves closer to me pressing her lips to mine. I melt into her like sugar in water. My mouth slots over hers pulling a moan from her as she arches into me, her chest presses against mine and hands tangle in my hair.

I pull back, hating myself as I do, “Darlin’ if we keep going I’m not going to be able to stop,” I all but whine, “and as much as I want to,” I pause gauging her reaction as her nails trail along the expanse of my chest, making it difficult to stop, “are you sure you’re ready?”

Her fingers stop, freezing as her eyes meet mine. Fuck . There’s that look again.

“I’m a big girl, Holden,” she says, rolling over onto her back. “Hey,” I whisper, moving over the top of her, my hands planting on either side of her head. “I know you are,” I reassure, dipping my head to kiss the tip of her nose.

When I pull back her eyes are searching mine as her fingers grasp at my dog tags. “Did you mean what you said last night?” She asks, worry filtering over her face.

Us against the world .

It’s a big ask, a big promise that deep down I’m not sure I’d be able to fulfill but I’ll spend my days trying for her.

“Did you?” I ask, nudging my nose against hers, my voice soft and low.

She tilts her head back into the pillow further to look at me and I lift my head to make it easier for her. I can tell she’s contemplating the words threatening to drip from her tongue.

The confidence I once had in the woman laying below me slowly starts to fade. I can feel my face fall the longer the words hang between us.

“Holden–” she whispers as I start to roll off of her but her hand catches my bicep, stopping me.

My tongue flicks over my bottom lip. “It’s okay… a lot was said last night and I don’t–”

“I did mean it,” she chokes out, green eyes glistening as she fights back tears. “I’m just…”

I suck in a breath, terrified of the words that she may say. If there’s one thing I know it’s that if she backs out, calling whatever this is a mistake , I’ll be shattered. My fingertips trace along her hairline, tucking back the few loose strands behind her ear, forcing myself to focus on anything other than the inevitable heartbreak that’s about to happen.

I can’t be surprised, life always has a way of being really, really good for what feels like a second and then whatever good moment exists is torn away in the next.

Kade’s face crumples gently. “...worried that this is all going to crash and burn..”

I nod softly to hide the disappointment tearing at me.

“It might,” I say truthfully, “and I wish I could promise you that it won’t but–” I pause, swallowing the lump in my throat. “I’m not making you any promises I can’t keep.” I run my fingers through her hair again, feeling her hands pressing against my bare chest.

Kadence stares up at me with something in her eyes that I’m not familiar with, adoration… Appreciation? I’m not sure but it soothes the cracks I felt only moments before expecting the worst from her.

“You promised to keep me safe…” she whispers. “You don’t know that you can, not really anyway.”

A smile flickers across my lips as I dip my head, ghosting my lips along her jawline, feeling her back arch up into me, only making my earlier refrain that much harder to keep.

“I know I’d die trying.” I respond with as much confidence as I can muster. I lift my head to look at her again as she reaches up and pushes back the hair that has fallen in my face. I really need a haircut. As much as I don’t mind the long hair it doesn’t quite feel like me.

She worries her bottom lip between her teeth as she stares up at me. “We’ve known each other for a week.”

I nod, “feels longer.”

“Why is that?” She asks softly, the smile returning to her face. “I’ve never…” She stops herself, her eyes flickering from mine to my dog tags.

My eyes narrow for a moment before gently lifting her chin again. “Never what?” I ask in a whisper.

“I’ve never felt this way about someone before,” she says after a moment. “It’s terrifying.”

Her brows knit together as she studies me. I can feel her reading and analyzing every twitch and emotion that masks my features. Unsaid words drift between us as I dip my head, pressing my lips to hers in a soft, long kiss. I feel her tongue dart from between her lips, wanting more from me. Everytime we touch I swear she melts into me. The feeling is addicting and the more my hands explore her body and sweet symphonies of sounds fall from her lips the more I want to stay right here. Next to her.

But I pull away, hating myself when a frustrated whine leaves her.

“We’ll have plenty of time for that, Sunflower.” I drag my index finger along her collar bone watching a wave of goosebumps roll across her skin, moving to draw a single line down into the collar of my shirt that she’s wearing, “ that I can promise you.”

I smirk down at the frown she’s flashing me.

“Are you as terrified as me?” She asks after a moment.

I chuckle. “Yeah, I am.”

“Why are you laughing?” Kade’s frown curls up softly as she tries to bite back a smile.

“Because if you would have told me a week ago I’d be spending every waking moment thinking about a woman and feeling things I don’t think I’ve ever felt, I would have told you you’re fucking crazy.”

I smile again pressing my palm firmly over her heart. It’s light flutter beating against my hand. I want to feel her, feel what ticks inside of her that makes her this addicting.

“Well you are crazy,” Kade teases, gripping my chin gently with her fingers, the smile on her face falling for just a moment, “but I think I am too.”

“Oh,” I scoff playfully, “you’re definitely crazy if you’re with someone like me.”

That beautiful glowy smile returns to her.

I duck my head, pressing featherlite kisses along her jawline, trailing them down to her neck just to hear the sounds that I hope will spill from those perfect lips. I feel myself grinning as she whimpers below me. I have to stop. Otherwise, we will never leave this bed, and even though I won’t mind that the last thing I want to do is suffocate her with my shit.

“Coffee darlin,” I hum against her skin before lifting my head, “before I trap you in this room.”

“I wouldn’t complain,” she teases, tugging gently on the chain of my dog tags.

I laugh and shake my head, “Neither would I, Sunflower, but I should probably go talk to Cole as well.”

Even if I don’t want to. Cole is the last person I want to have a conversation with right now but if I don’t I know that whatever fucked up tension is building between us would only separate the club more than it already is.

Kadence reaches up, running her fingers gingerly along the bruise under my eye. Her brows knit together as I search her eyes.

“It’s not your fault,” I say, moving to sit next to her, leaning against the headboard.

She follows, angling her body towards me and bringing her knees to her chest.

“Why was he so angry that I was with you last night?” She asks, her head tilting to lean against the wood. “He acted like you were Satan incarnate when we got back.”

“Cole is protective of the things he cares about,” I say plainly.

“Aren’t you one of those things?”

I glance up at her, her face scrunching into a wince. She thinks she’s pushing me too far, intruding on a relationship with Cole that by now is far too complicated for even myself to understand.

“He’ll always be my brother,” I start, my fingertips tap along the top of her knee mindlessly, “but things change, we’ve changed. I wasn’t the same person that I was when he picked me up from Stockton. The club wasn’t–isn’t the same club that we left… That we built together after his dad passed.”

I suck in a breath, shaking my head. “I don’t know if we’ll ever be back to what we were before everything went down.”

“The bar fight?” She asks softly.

My head lolls to the side. “The bar fight, Becca… it all made everything too–” my voice trails off.

“Complicated?” Kadence finishes for me.

I feel a smile tug at the corner of my lips as I nod. “Yeah.”

I watch as she leans into me, tucking her knees under her as she presses her hands into my chest before peppering my cheeks with soft sweet kisses. Her lips trail along the roughness of my stubble, pressing them gently to where the bruise tattoos my skin.

“Complicated feels like our middle names,” she says softly before pulling away from me, brushing back the tangled hair from my face as her eyes trace over my features once again. I’ve never had someone be so… tender with me before. Not like this. Sure, I’ve spent plenty of time with the other girls that hang around the club, but it’s never like this. There’s something deeper, something meaningful in the way she looks at me. It terrifies me not to hide the cracks in the mask I put on for everyone else. That I’ve so easily let her in and so fast.

There’s just something different in the way her fingertips linger on my skin, the trail of fireworks they leave behind with it. I want all of her.

“What’s running through that head of yours?” I ask softly.

She smiles after a moment but I can tell there’s something distant in her eyes. Kadence shakes her head.

“Coffee,” she answers.

“Kade.” My brows knit together as she tugs herself from my arms, climbing from the bed and moving to her suitcase. “What’s wrong?”

She continues to dig through her bags, pulling out a pair of jean shorts and a ragged band t-shirt.

“Nothing is wrong.” she glances over at me. “I just want a cup of coffee.” Kadence slips into her shorts, grinning over at me before climbing back into the bed and pressing her lips to mine. “C’mon, don’t make me face Cole alone.”

I chuckle before letting out a sigh. “I’m gonna need that shirt back.” I smirk, my finger slipping into the inside of the collar as she leans down to me and I tug gently pulling her lips back to me, “Please?” I whisper against her before kissing her one last time.

Kadence pulls back from me and slips off the edge of the bed, tugging the shirt over her head only to dangle it between her fingers and expose herself to me.

“You mean this t-shirt?” She teases.

I flick my tongue over my bottom lip, bringing it between my teeth as my eyes rake over her body, the curve of her hips, and how the jeans hug them perfectly. The perfect roundness of her breasts. If my friendship weren’t at stake, I’d spend all day here with her.

“C’mon, Sergeant, come get it.” Kadence bites on the nail of her thumb, looking at me through thick lashes.

I bolt from the bed, and the room erupts into giggles as I wrap my arms around her. I pick her up gently, swinging her in a circle as she grins and laughs, her head tilted back and her long hair cascading behind her.

“You’re gonna be the death of me.” I grin, pressing chaste kisses to her chest.

She laughs. “I hope not. Now put me down, you caveman.”

Her hand playfully smacks my chest until I lower her feet to the floor. Kadence hands me the shirt before slipping hers over her head and putting her shoes on. I follow suit, slipping into my shirt and putting on my boots. I watch as she moves about, running her fingers through her hair and wiping the sleep from her eyes.

Standing, I glance over to her suitcases, catching a glimpse of something blue and soft. It looks like an ear to something. I can’t quite tell under the pile of clothes, but as my eyes track back to her, she’s made her way to the door.

“You comin’?”

I nod, stealing one last look at the ear and make my way to her. I want to ask but too much has already been said and I don’t want to spook her. I take her hand, and the two of us make our way to the clubhouse.