19. KADENCE

KADENCE

F ear creeps into the deep blue of his eyes as his hands find my face. His warmth flows through my cheeks as he makes me promise him that I’ll be safe. I have my questions, and even with the worry slowly clawing its way up my spine, I want nothing more than to feel more of him.

“I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you safe.” Holden’s voice cuts through the million questions that have started to spiral in my mind.

I pull back from him, pushing the ball-cap off the top of his head to really get a good look at him. His cheek has already started to bruise but at least the bleeding has stopped. I comb my fingers through his hair, pressing my forehead to his.

“I don’t even know what you’re keeping me safe from,” I whisper.

“Watson, for one,” he admits, “and whatever else tries to come for us.”

I pull back from him. “What did Watson mean earlier? About you seeing your parole officer?”

“Kade, it’s late and–” Holden sighs as he tugs himself from my grip to stand from the bed, ready to run, ready to shut down on me.

“You told me you would tell me everything, so tell me.” Our eyes meet and I’m fully ready for the pushback. My hands tense around the edge of the bed but my heart is calm because, even though hesitation rolls off of him now, I know I’d run too given the chance.

His eyes search mine. I need to know what the hell I’ve gotten myself into. Cole won’t tell me the truth, especially after tonight. The look he flashed me earlier makes me want to crawl into a hole and a part of me wonders why he’s so disgusted at the fact that I’ve spent the evening with Holden.

“Kadence.”

“You promised me.”

His head drops with his gaze and I can feel the air between us become thick with our warring secrets. Tired blue eyes lift and find mine again only this time there’s a hint of vulnerability that wasn’t there before. It makes me wonder how deep the pain is rooted within him.

“I don’t want you to think of me differently,” Holden rasps, strained and tight.

“I’m not going anywhere, Holden, no matter what you tell me I’m staying right here.” I point at where my feet are planted in the carpet. He stares back at me like he’s expecting me to change my mind. I won’t because no matter how many red flags keep popping up in front of me, being with Holden makes me feel like a moth to a flame.

“I got out of prison a month ago.” His tongue rolls over his bottom lip as he looks away and lets out a breath I didn’t realize he was holding in. “And about two years ago I killed someone.” Holden’s voice trails off as he studies me for a reaction. I don’t know what to feel.

“Killed?” I hear myself ask as my toes grip the carpet to keep myself steady.

He nods with a distant look in his eyes. “It was an accident. Wrong place, wrong time.”

“How did it happen?”

“Kadence, it’s not important how–”

I shake my head, holding out my hand to stop him. “It’s important to me.”

He takes a deep breath and clears his throat before nodding. “We were out on a run and had almost just made it back here, but it started storming.” Holden pauses. “The group stopped at a bar and this guy just kept…fucking egging us on.”

The more he explains, the more my body feels on fire and nausea rolls over me in waves.

“He started shoving West, playing it off like he was messing around, but the more the night went on and the more the bar kept feeding him drinks, it got worse.” He pauses again and I can feel his eyes on me.

“Keep going,” I choke out, looking up at him with tear-brimmed eyes. “Please.”

I need to know. I need to know he's not the same kind of monster I've dealt with for years.

Holden nods once more as I close my eyes. The bed dips down next to me but there’s a distance between us that I hate and need all at once.

“The guy was belligerent and didn’t know his left hand from his right. At one point a punch was thrown, West was on the ground and the guy was getting dragged out by the bouncers. No one really fucks with us, especially when there’s three or four with cuts on. But this guy…didn’t care.”

He sighs again. “When we left he tried to ambush us. He went straight for West as soon as we went outside. Cole pulled the guy off of West and then he turned on Cole, pulling out a knife.”

I finally get the courage to glance up at him as his voice trails off again. “And that's when you stepped in.”

Holden nods. “I tried to disarm him but the knife caught my thigh and I hit him in the nose to get him off of me.” His voice starts to shake as he speaks, his chin trembles when he dips his head. “I didn’t mean to hit him so hard.”

“You were just defending yourself,” I finally say after a moment of silence that falls between us, “defending Wyatt.”

“That’s not how the courts saw it,” he states as he shakes his head. “I had only been out of the army for a year; they deemed my hand's weapons because of my combat training, and a flat palm to the nose is deadly.”

I take a deep breath, wiping away the few tears that had begun to fall. I don’t know why I’m crying. He hadn’t meant to kill that person. He was defending himself and his family.

“I spent eighteen months at Stockton and the night I got back Cole and I had a meeting with Sheriff Stokes. Watson was supposed to be there.” Holden sucks in another breath, pausing as I begin to put the puzzle pieces together.

“That was the night Becca died,” I finished for him. The tick in his jaw tells me all I need to know. Watson is somehow responsible for Becca’s death and Holden hasn’t known for sure until his threats tonight.

He finally blinks, breaking his staring contest with the wall. The tears that find home in the corners of his eyes fall and streak down his cheeks. His hands wring together in his lap as he nods, confirming my guess.

“She didn’t deserve to die,” Holden chokes out through a sob, the wall he’s keeping bricked around his emotions slowly starts to crumble, making my heart shatter. “She should still be here.”

My gut wrenches and tears sting my eyes as the herculean man in front of me breaks. A month of pent-up grief and sadness begins to flood his surface, and the more he wrings his hands together, the more I can feel him turning into a ticking time bomb beside me.

I move and kneel in front of him, slotting myself between his thighs as I cup his face. A sob rips through him and I can’t help the one that falls from my lips as well. Seeing him like this tears me to pieces.

“Holden,” I whisper, trying to get him to look at me. His eyes squeeze closed as his head drops again. Tiny streaks of red fall onto my palm from where his cut has opened again, “Holden, please look at me.”

He shakes his head. “She’s dead because of me.”

I grip his chin between my fingers, sucking in a breath to keep me steady between his legs. I can feel myself crumbling on the inside. The words hit me like a freight train as the emptiness in my womb aches, words I cried over and over again in the hospital that day and no one told me otherwise. No one told me it wasn’t my fault.

Finally his eyes open, broken, blue, and devastated, they glint at me.

“You cannot blame yourself for her death,” I say, running the pad of my thumb under his eyes, careful to miss the gash as I wipe away the tears. His hands wrap around my wrists, pulling them from his face as his eyes narrow at me. Every brick that had crumbled forms back into place like some sick magic trick.

“How can you say that?” He snaps, the sadness flipping to anger so fast it almost gives me whiplash. “It’s just a coincidence that she ends up dead the night I get back?” He stands, stepping around me as I fall back onto my haunches, watching him pace the room.

“Holden, I didn’t–”

“Of course you didn’t! Because you don’t know.” That dangerous glare turns my way as I push myself up onto my feet.

I know where the anger is coming from but why he’s taking it out on me, I’m not sure. I also know what the flip looks like. The moment where they go from sweet and soft to pure rage and anger. Even after seeing Jeremy for what he is, I’ve still never got used to his switch.

“I never said I did,” I fire back at him, “but I know that taking on that kind of blame is only going to make you torture yourself.” My voice raises as he scoffs. “I may not know you very well, Holden, but I recognize pain when I see it. I know what it’s like to blame yourself for someone else’s actions and that the anger feels like a deep-rooted tree that’s just constantly on fire.”

“Yeah? You know what it’s like?” He steps towards me, making me step towards him. I’m not about to back down to another man, not this time. Not when I’m only trying to help him.

“Yeah, I do,” I snap.

He narrows those dagger-throwing blue eyes again. “You know what it’s like to feel completely fucking alone in a room full of people that are supposed to be your friends? Your brothers?” His chest heaves as he stares down at me. “You ever drown yourself in so much fucking pussy and alcohol that you forget who you are and wish for that feeling?”

Tears sting my eyes as he digs deeper at me.

“Stop it,” I hiss, “you’re pushing me away because it’s easier than letting me in.”

“No, sweetheart , you wanted to know me.” He seethes, taking another step towards me, the space between us quickly disappearing.

I stare up at the man who just went from sobbing on my bed to dead angry in front of me. My heart hammers in my chest. Rage bubbles in me as his assumptions begin to sink in. He kept his promise. He told me about the things he did. But I also kept my promise. I didn’t push him away or scream like this is some horrible eighties horror movie. I ball my fists at my side as the two of us standoff.

He’s pushing me again and it’s my turn to push back.

Before I can stop myself, my hands fly up, shoving him in the chest, watching as he stumbles backward towards the door. My control finally snapping.

“Of course I want to know you!” I yell, unable to help the tears that fall down my cheeks and shove him again. “I’ve been here for a fucking week, Holden and all I can think about is you!” Another shove. “Who you are! Why you feel more like home than where I came from!”

He stumbles again, catching himself on the wall.

I take a deep breath. “Because you’ve managed to dig yourself so deep into my bones that I don’t–” The anger slips into choking back a sob as I pause. “I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to leave this place knowing that I’m leaving the one person who finally sees me.” I dig a finger into my chest, angry that the tears have started again and that I can’t read the wide-eyed look on his face.

With a deep breath I feel another sob get stuck behind the lump in my throat. The night finally felt like it was catching up to me. Between dinner, Watson, and now him standing in front of me, flipping emotions like a two-sided coin, I’m exhausted.

“Kadence, I–” Holden takes a step towards me but it only makes me recoil away from him, stopping him in his tracks.

“Don’t,” I breathe a laugh. “I don’t think I can do much more emotional whiplash tonight.” I glance up at him, hugging my arms over my chest. “Maybe Cole was right. Maybe this is a mistake.”

Holden growls as he flies towards me cupping my face in his hands before smashing our lips together so forcefully it almost hurts. My hands tangle into the cotton of his shirt, a moan slipping from me as he pulls away, breathless and lips already bitten red. All of the tension melts away as we stare at each other.

“Cole is an idiot,” he whispers. “You’ve injected yourself into my veins, Kadence, like some sort of drug I can’t get enough of and I’ll spend every day making you see it.”

He dips his head once again, kissing me much softer this time. Butterflies swarm in my stomach as I pull back from him, needing a breath, needing…something just to stop for a moment.

“Why do you get so angry with me?” I ask against his mouth, sounding much more pathetic than I want.

Holden shakes his head. “I’m not angry with you.” He brushes back the hair from my face, planting a soft peck on my forehead. “I’m angry with the world darlin’ and I apologize I’ve taken it out on you.” His finger hooks under my chin lifting my gaze to his.

“I need you to control your emotions,” I whisper, fiddling with his shirt, twisting it in my fingers and wrapping around the chain of his dog tags. “Let me help you take on that anger. Don’t take it out on me.”

He nods after a moment. “Us against the world?” A smile forms across his lips. “I could get used to that.”

My bottom lip finds home between my teeth, biting back the smile I so want to give him. “I think I could too.”

Holden traces his thumb along my jaw before gently tugging my lip from between my teeth. His eyes darken as he studies my features and after a moment of silence he dips his head once again, taking my top lip between his. I can’t help the whine that escapes my lips as I melt into him, my hand roaming under his cut and up to his shoulders to slide it off.

The leather creates a soft thud as it hits the floor at our feet. I claw at his shirt, the clothes between us proving to be too much as his hands roam under the hem of my shirt. The warmth of his skin ignites tiny little fires against my own.

“Holden,” I breathe as he dips his head, nibbling a trail of kisses along my jaw and down to my neck.

He hums against my skin, moving his way down while licking and sucking the spot on my neck that sends tingles down to my toes. I moan again, laughing softly as his fingertips graze over the ticklish spot on my ribs. I’ve never felt anyone touch me the way he is or take the time to get to know the ins and outs of my body. But with Holden, my body reacts with the slightest of touches, as if he already knows my roadmap and has for years.

I press gently against his chest, taking a step back with a heaving breath. He narrows his eyes briefly at me as I grin.

“What are you doin’, sweetheart?” He asks, his hair a mess and lips turning a bright red from kissing my skin.

I shrug softly before lifting the hem of my tank top, pulling it over my head, and revealing the blue lace bra that has quickly become my favorite since the first time I wore it. It fits perfectly and the teal against my tan skin makes me, for once, feel beautiful.

He watches me drop the tank top to the floor, his pupils going dark. I ignore the pit in my stomach that begins to grow at the reality of me letting him in. It’s been a long time since I’ve been intimate with someone and now everything is happening so fast that my mind is screaming at me to stop but my body melts as his eyes roam my skin.

Holden takes a step toward me, sinking to his knees as his hands wrap around the backs of my thighs. He looks up at me through thick lashes before planting a trail of kisses along my stomach, lingering over each divot just above my hips.

“You’re gorgeous,” he whispers against the soft part of my belly that still holds scars and pain I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of.

Tears threaten the corners of my eyes again, tangling my fingers into his long chestnut locks. I feel myself growing closer to him, and every time his touch lingers on my skin for just a little bit longer than intended, I tumble down that rabbit hole even further.

“Let’s get you out of these,” he says softly, his fingers finding the button of my jeans and tugging them down my legs.

I feel his fingers grasp along my calf, lifting them to pull my jeans off. Leaving a trail of kisses along the inside of my leg before letting it back down to the floor. He repeats this with my other leg before dragging his fingertips up and along the backs of my calves then gripping them into my thighs. All the while sending waves of goosebumps along my skin.

“You have entirely way too many clothes on,” I whisper down at him as my hands tangle into his hair, ignoring the gnawing feeling in my heart.

Holden smiles so sweetly that if he weren't holding my legs my shaking knees would have knocked me over. He places a kiss on the inside of my thigh, dragging the tip of his nose closer to my center. My chest begins to rise and fall with the quickness of my breaths. He’s lighting my skin on fire and I didn’t even realize it.

“Holden,” I whisper, the sensation of his skin on mine, the way his fingers knead into the squishiness of my legs, it’s all becoming too much. I need a step back. My hands press against his shoulders, trying to push myself away from him, “Holden, let me go.”

He drops his hands, standing as I take a step back from him. I want to keep going, I almost need to keep going to prove to myself that I can let someone in other than a person who dictated everything I was allowed to do with my body.

“What’s wrong?” Holden asks, pulling himself up onto his feet.

I avoid his gaze as I cover myself with my arms. How am I going to explain this? I’m not ready to tell him the truth. A part of me is ashamed of letting someone like Jeremy take control of almost every aspect of my life. Including when we would have sex. It was never on my terms, not even when our child was conceived was it by my choice. But it was safer than dealing with the repercussions of rejecting him.

His hands cup my face, forcing me to look at him. My eyes meet his, and the tears I’ve been forcing back cascade from me like tiny little traitors marching into the battle of my heart.

“Kade, talk to me,” Holden pleads. The shudder in his voice and the way his chin trembles shatters my heart again for the umpteenth time. “Please?” his voice drops to a scared whisper. “I didn’t mean to,” he pauses, “I didn’t hurt you did–”

I shake my head, realizing that he thinks it’s him that’s scaring me. That he’s done something to push me away. “It’s not you, Holden,” I protest. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way.

“Then what is it?”

“It’s just–” I suck in a breath as the pad of his thumb wipes away the tears escaping my eyes, “it’s been a long time since someone has made me feel the way you have. Touched me and meant it to feel good.”

His brows furrow. “What do you mean?”

I stare up at him, eyes glassy and tired. This is not how I want to tell him and a part of me doesn’t know if I actually can. It all seems too much and I don’t want to be this broken toy that he would inevitably try to put back together.

“My last relationship wasn’t the best,” I admit, “he took what he wanted and that was that.”

Holden stares back, his tongue flicking over his bottom lip as if an angry cat’s tail. “He’s a fucking idiot then.”

I’m not sure what I’m expecting him to say, and even though it isn’t the full truth, it feels like one or two bricks of this heavy wall that crushes me have been chipped away.

“You could say that.”

He dips his head, pressing his forehead to mine. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, okay?” Holden’s lips press to the tip of my nose. “You’re the one in control.” His voice dips to a whisper.

“I want to, Holden, I really do.” I breathe, grasping his t-shirt in my fingers, a sob escaping my lips.

“Hey,” he coos, pulling me into his chest, his hand tangling into my hair at the back of my head as I tuck my head under his chin, “it’s okay”

I want the tears to stop, I need them to. Here I’m standing in front of him, in a bra and underwear, sobbing because he feels good. But it’s still all too much.

Holden pulls back slightly. “Let’s just get some sleep, yeah?”

I nod as he wipes away a few more tears before pressing his lips to mine in a soft sweet kiss. One that’s just telling me that he’s there, nothing more, nothing less. He’s just...There for me.

He steps back from me, slipping out of his jeans and tugging his t-shirt over his head. Giving view to the ridges of his abs and the deep v that dips beneath the band of his briefs. We meet each other’s gaze, his smile warm and calming as he holds out his t-shirt to me.

“You can wear this if you want,” he offers.

I smile softly, the warmth returning to my chest and the remembrances of Jeremy slipping away from me. I reach out, taking the shirt from him and slipping it over my head before maneuvering to take off my bra under the shirt.

We climb into bed, Holden falling to his back as I find my way to being curled into his chest.

“Us against the world, right?” I whisper softly, knowing it’s a big ask with both of our ghosts dancing around the room like a haunted house.

“Us against the world,” he repeats softly, dipping his head to kiss me again.