20. Twenty

20

TWENTY

“ I can’t believe you did this.”

Olivia grunted as she carried some of the loot I’d purchased at the camping store toward the lot we’d rented for the weekend.

I might have gone a little overboard at the store. I had no idea there were so many things you could buy to make camping fun. I’d gone for a big tent with a skylight—who knew?—as well as the promised air mattress, pillows, a deluxe sleeping bag, two coolers, prongs to roast marshmallows, and several lanterns. All in all, I spent a bunch of money. The way Olivia laughed as I kept adding stuff to the cart told me it would be worth it.

The campground had people spread out in every direction. One lot over, they had a huge inflatable alien, and I could smell the scent of pot wafting over even though there was no breeze.

“They’re going to be fun,” I noted, inclining my chin in their direction.

She looked over and shrugged. “Aliens, dude. What are you going to do?”

I laughed and dropped my haul on the ground. “You start working on the tent. You’re the expert. I’ll get everything else.”

By the time I finished carrying everything over, I expected Olivia to have the tent out of the bag and nothing else done. I was shocked when it looked to already be up. “What the…?” I stopped and stared.

Her laugh, again so warm and amazing, ran through me like a bolt of sunshine. “It’s not that hard. We still have to anchor it.”

I watched her work with the mallet she’d insisted was necessary even though I had no idea why and she had the tent anchored to the ground in three minutes.

“That was impressive,” I said as I straightened. “I mean … really freaking impressive. I thought you only went camping a few times as a kid.”

“I said I camped when I was a kid,” she clarified. “I’ve been camping since. Tallulah and I went through a faze where we camped all the time as teenagers.”

“I can’t imagine Tallulah camping.”

“She found out it was a great place to meet men.”

I narrowed my eyes. “And just how many men did you meet when you were camping?”

She did a little hip shimmy. “Why? Are you jealous?”

Was I? Hell yeah. All those feelings I’d managed to shove to the side when I was younger had not only roared back, but they’d also grown in scope. Over the years I’d asked Rex about Olivia from time to time—what she was doing, who she was dating—and he’d answered my questions. I’d been nonchalant when bringing her up, so Rex never gave me a lot of details. I found I wanted them now.

“Let’s eat.” I pointed toward the Popeyes chicken we’d collected on our way off the strip. We’d both agreed, as much as we wanted to be authentic, neither one of us was up for cooking over an open fire. S’mores were one thing. Chicken and eggs were another. We would go into town for breakfast and dinner and be authentic otherwise.

“Yay!” Olivia happily danced over to the picnic table and sat on one side.

I was torn when I followed her, the food clutched against my chest. Should I sit across from her or next to her? I wanted to be able to touch her, so even though there was a chance she would consider it weird, I climbed onto the bench and settled myself at her right. No words were necessary, but I felt the need to explain my choice all the same.

“This way we can both see the water,” I said lamely.

She smirked. “Good idea.”

We dug in and Olivia was a leg and thigh deep before she started talking. “I’m guessing your parents never took you camping,” she said as she wiped the sides of her mouth. “You know that people love camping in this area, right? Regular people.”

“Should I take that to mean you don’t think I’m a regular person?” I teased.

“I think you were a deprived child.”

That threw me. “Um … I grew up in a mansion,” I reminded her.

“Money is not the same thing as experience. You didn’t get to experience a lot of the stuff other kids your age were experiencing. Is that why you stuck with Rex the way you did?”

I forked up some macaroni and cheese, considering. “Your house was like a magical world to me when I was younger.”

“How so?”

“Your parents didn’t have your lives carved out for you. There was no pressure.”

“We were expected to get decent grades and stay out of trouble.”

“Yeah, but your parents never demanded you be the best at everything. I wanted to be on the baseball team when I was in middle school, but I was in the middle of the pack. I was decent, but not great. My father insisted I quit before somebody found out I wasn’t the pitcher.”

Olivia stilled. “Are you being serious?”

I nodded. “I could never just be one of the guys. With your brother, he never treated me differently. A lot of the other guys in school wanted to be my friend because of who we were. We had a pool. They didn’t like me. They wanted to use me.

“As I got older, it was worse because the girls who wanted to date me did it for status, not because they actually liked me,” I continued. “I guess it’s good I’ve always been hot because that smoothed the way.”

She snorted, and I poked her side.

“I just wanted to be liked for who I was, not what people thought I could do for them,” I explained. “People like you because you’re you. Tallulah is loyal to a fault, and you don’t ever have to worry about her feelings changing if you lose your job or don’t have enough money to cover a round of drinks at the bar.”

“I get it.” Olivia grabbed another piece of chicken. Apparently, she was hungry. “Rex doesn’t treat you differently.”

“He’s one of the only ones.” I cast her a sidelong look. “And you.”

She held my gaze, something heavy passing between us. Then she shrugged. “I was in love with you when I was fifteen. I thought you walked on water. How is that not treating you different?”

“You had a crush on me for me, though. Also, I think it’s normal to have a crush on your older brother’s friend. That’s simply how it works. You didn’t like me because of the mansion, did you?”

“I didn’t even know about the mansion. I mean… I guess I wondered where you lived, but you were always at our house. I never really thought about it.”

“And why did you have a crush on me? It’s because I was hot, right?”

“It’s because, when Rex would leave the room for a minute, you would ask what I was doing. You wanted to know what I was reading … and what I was watching on television … and even how I was feeling. You were the only one.”

I stilled, surprised. “Your parents were interested in what you were doing.”

“Yeah, but they’re parents. Rex wasn’t interested in that stuff—especially when you were around. I mean, I guess he would tease me about the books I was reading. Once, when Tallulah was over for a sleepover, he realized we were watching romcoms, and he teased me for a month about wanting to be in The Notebook .”

“Is that when you started writing poetry?”

A strange look moved over Olivia’s face. “I never wrote poetry.”

“Um, you did so. I remember one day when Rex was trying to get you out of the basement so we could play pool. In reality, he wanted to talk about his crush on Sasha Huntzinger, but he didn’t say that part out loud. You said you were just going to sit in the corner and write poetry. You had a notebook and everything.”

Rather than recognition of the memory dawning on her features, her cheeks flooded red. “Oh. Yeah. Um…” She shifted on the bench.

“Were you not writing poetry?” For some reason, that was a blow. The mere idea of her writing poetry always filled me with emotion. She was the sort of person who wore her feelings on the outside, so I imagined she would want to put that into words.

“Yeah, I might’ve tried poetry when I was in middle school, but I’m better with numbers than words.”

“Then how come you didn’t want Rex seeing your notebook if it was just homework?”

“Because…” She paused, seemingly making up her mind. “Because I had your name doodled all over my notebook. There were little heart doodles too. I knew if he saw it, he would embarrass me.”

When she turned and leveled a gaze on me, she was practically daring me to make fun of her. “He would’ve shown you the doodles, and I was convinced that I would die of embarrassment. Mom said that wasn’t a thing, but I disagreed. I knew you thought of me as Rex’s annoying little sister. I couldn’t take the thought of you saying that to me.

“And I know you wouldn’t have been mean about it,” she continued. “Somehow it would’ve been worse for you to sit me down and nicely explain why I wasn’t the one for you. So, I lied … and I’m not sorry.” She was defiant.

A fist wrapped around my heart and squeezed. Hard. “Is that true?” I asked finally, my mouth suddenly dry.

“Of course it’s true. I wouldn’t make that up. Not now.”

I tried to picture what my reaction would’ve been if I’d known the truth back then. “I knew you had a crush on me,” I supplied. “I mean … it was hard not to know. You didn’t have a lot of game back then.”

She slapped her hand to her forehead. “Ugh. Don’t remind me.”

I laughed and peeled her hand from over her eyes. “I didn’t go to your house all the time just to see Rex.”

“No, you liked my parents too.”

“I did. They helped me in ways that my parents weren’t equipped to help me. I think they thought I would move beyond Rex at some point. Like … my parents would force me to ice him out. That was never going to happen, though.

“It wasn’t just your parents, though.” Now I was the one who was embarrassed. “I liked spending time with you, too, Livvie. You were just so … pure. Pretense wasn’t a thing with you. My sisters were taught to be pleasing. They were also taught to be predatory, and they took those lessons to heart. You had none of that. You were just you, and I liked you.”

She made a face. “You are not about to tell me that you had a crush on me back then.”

“No, I’m not, because that would be a lie. We don’t lie to one another.” I tugged a strand of her hair behind her ear. I didn’t want anything blocking that amazing face of hers. “I kept tabs on you some when you got older, though. I was always … interested … in what you were doing. I wanted great things for you.”

“Rex never mentioned that.” Her expression was accusatory. Did she think I was lying? Was she mad at Rex?

“That’s because I was careful when I asked. I always let him bring you up first. He probably thought I was being polite. You know how he is. He doesn’t see the bad in people he loves. He can see it with people on the floor, but once you’ve earned his loyalty, he trusts you. He always trusts you. That’s just who he is.”

She nodded. “He’s a good man.”

“He’s a great friend.”

“He’s a good brother, too. He’s going to make a good husband and father one day.”

“I happen to agree.”

“You’ll make a good husband and father one day too if you allow yourself the chance to do it.”

It was the last thing I expected her to say. “I feel as if I want two things,” I admitted. “I want to be in charge of the casino—I know that path was laid out for me, but I think I can do it—but I also want to be different from my father on the home front. Do you think I can do both?”

“Of course I do.” There was no hesitation before she answered. “I think you can be anything you want to be. The thing is, I don’t think Ryder is a crappy dad because he wants to be a crappy dad. He lacks self-awareness, though. Have you ever considered telling him he’s a crappy dad?”

I choked on my biscuit. “No,” I sputtered after she gave me a good thump on my back. “He would not take that well.”

“Maybe it’s not about what he takes well, Zach. You’re the child. Sure, you’re an adult, but he’s always going to be the parent. Maybe the best thing you can do is tell him why he’s a crappy dad, because I genuinely don’t think he sees it. He’s that out of touch with reality.”

“I can’t do that.” My reaction was knee-jerk. “I just … can’t.”

“Okay.” She went back to eating. “It’s up to you. The thing is, you can’t change who he is if he doesn’t acknowledge he needs to change, and he is not the sort of man who is going to sit down and reflect on himself. You and your sisters need to build a wall and don’t let him break through it. That’s the only way you’re going to get somewhere with him.”

I didn’t disagree with her. I just didn’t think I had the strength to do what she was suggesting. “I’ll think about it,” was all I could manage.

“That’s enough.” She smiled. “I mean … just remember, you had to spend thirty minutes talking a grown ass man down from a ledge because he lost a golf match. That’s some weird crap right there.”

She didn’t even know the half of it. My father had spent thirty minutes ranting about Cliff King cheating to get the win. He wanted to know if he had any legal recourse to get the win stripped and handed to him.

“It’s not that I think you’re wrong,” I hedged. “I just … that’s not the way that it’s done in my family.”

“You said that you went to my parents when you needed good advice,” she pointed out. “You could never go to your own father because you didn’t trust him. That says a lot about him, not you, because you’re one of the most trustworthy people I’ve ever met.”

“I am?”

“Of course you are. I wouldn’t marry someone I didn’t trust. When you came to me with this idea, my reticence wasn’t because I didn’t trust you.”

“Why were you reticent?” I was honestly curious.

“Well, first off, it was a crazy idea.”

I laughed. “It was, but it’s working out well so far.”

“Secondly, I wasn’t sure I could let the past go. I’m not fifteen any longer, but sometimes I check for braces out of the blue because you make me feel the same way I did back then.”

“And what way is that?”

“It wasn’t just that you were hot—which we’ve established you are—but you made me feel safe. I knew, even if Rex encouraged you to be a jerk, that you would still protect me if it came to it.”

That was all I wanted, I realized. To protect her. To make her laugh. What did that mean for us going forward, though? Was she capable of living in the world I wanted to build? Because—and this was becoming more and more obvious—I wanted a very specific life.

That’s why I’d stopped dating six months before my father insisted I find an “appropriate” woman. I’d already come to the conclusion that I didn’t want an empty life. That didn’t mean she would fit into the world I wanted to build, because she had her own plans. Could I make myself fit?

“You can be whoever you want to be, Zach,” she said. “You’re built to be a great man. I want to be built to be a great person too. You have time to figure things out, just like I do.”

Was she giving me permission to figure things out with her at my side? I liked the idea. A lot. I also didn’t want to hurt her, because truth be told, if we allowed our emotions to take us over—which we were obviously in danger of letting happen—then she would end up more hurt than me if things imploded.

I’d been taught to put my emotions in a box and never open it. She’d been taught to wear her emotions like a pretty new dress. Losing her wasn’t appealing. Hurting her would kill me, though.

“Let’s finish eating,” I said, brutally shoving the conversation to the side. “Then I want to meet those alien weirdos next door. I bet they know how to party.”

A dare slid across her face. “Oh, you want to party, do you?”

I looked her up and down. We’d stopped at the penthouse long enough to leave a note for Rex and pack some clothes. “Amongst other things,” I acknowledged.

She laughed and slapped my arm. “We’ll get to that. Let’s watch for aliens first, though. I bet that’s something you’ve never done.”

“You would be right. Will s’mores be included in the alien watching?”

“What is it with you and s’mores?”

“I’ve never had the authentic variety.”

“Well, you’re in luck. I’m an expert s’more maker. This is going to be the weekend to end all weekends.”

I already knew that. Just Olivia and me? It was the perfect weekend.

Reality was right around the corner, though, and that couldn’t be ignored. For the next two days, however, I was going to live it up.

After that, it was anybody’s guess how things would work out.