CHAPTER 28

“Fearless (Taylor’s Version)” – Taylor Swift

I’M AFRAID NOTHING’S DISTRACTING ENOUGH to make me forget that my flight’s tomorrow.

Not even the two grilled cheeses that I just made for Luca and myself after that memorable shower.

“So,” I say eagerly, “what do you think?”

“That this is the best grilled cheese I’ve ever had,” he replies facetiously, making me chuckle at his mockery of my own description. “No, really. I agree. And the kitchen is surprisingly pretty intact.”

I roll my eyes, already noting how much I’ll miss his sarcasm as soon as I board my plane. “Hey, you’re going to miss my advanced cooking skills when I leave tomorrow.”

Leaning against the kitchen counter, he effortlessly pulls me in for a kiss that takes me so by surprise that it might as well have been our first kiss .

With his arms still wrapped around my waist, he lowers his lips barely an inch away from mine and confesses, “I’m going to miss everything about you.”

There goes my heartbeat thudding again…

Except now there’s another reason. I swallow the lump in my throat at the reminder of what’s been weighing on me since we first hooked up. “I don’t know how best to say this so I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’d like to keep seeing you after I leave if that’s something you also want. Just so you know how I feel.”

He looks puzzled. But he also looks amused. “Jasmine, of course that’s something I want.”

“I don’t know how these things work, and I didn’t want to assume. Like if you just wanted to keep it casual and temporary, I would understand.”

In reality, I’d be devastated, but I would learn to accept it. Eventually. I hope.

His brows furrow. “ Casual? How do you expect me to be casual with the woman I’m foolishly in love with?”

My entire chest lights up. “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing you say that.”

Luca’s smile fades as his eyes soften. “I wouldn’t have done the things we did together if I wasn’t serious about you.”

It’s not just his words. It’s that I know he means it.

Tracing along his neck, I wonder, “How will it work though? Have you ever done long distance?” I say this as if I’ve done it before when I clearly haven’t even done short distance.

He replies, “No, I haven’t.” I don’t know why my shoulders tense up again. I guess I wasn’t expecting him to say this. “But we can figure it out together,” he adds reassuringly.

“Okay.” I give him a soft smile, although my need to question every little thing doesn’t stop here. “It would’ve probably been easier if we had the experience already though,” I say casually, then realize how I sound. “Sorry, I’m not trying to be pessimistic. I guess I’m just feeling a little anxious because I care about this.”

“I care about this and you.” He traces his thumb over my cheek. “And I don’t think prior experience would have necessarily made this easier. I’ve had moments where I feared losing a relationship in the past, but none of it has prepared me for even the thought of losing you .” He pauses. “I think you’re the first person I’ve fell in love with.” My entire body freezes in the best way. “I definitely thought I was in love before. But this feels so different. I think I was in love with the idea of love more than anything.”

“So I’m also somewhat of a first for you?”

“You’re many of my firsts.”

“That’s cool I guess,” I say coyly, while losing my absolute shit on the inside.

As I’m still smiling, my brows crease suddenly at the reminder of the many fears that I’ve thankfully gotten over during this vacation.

Luca tilts his head at me. “What?”

“Nothing,” I say. “I just think I’m starting to realize why I’ve always felt so scared about every little thing. My parents are both immigrants, and I’m sure they most likely endured things that I could have never imagined. Things that they always hoped to protect me from. And I know they only wanted what they thought was best for me.”

“It sounds like they really care about you,” Luca offers.

“I know they do. The thing is, they protected me so well that I got to a point where even I preferred having their protection over the things that I actually wanted. I became more scared of everything that they were always worried about in a way.” I sigh. “And now that I’m older they criticize me for being so behind from others in every aspect and that I’m not independent enough. They never really acknowledged how I got to this point, how their constant pressure and control contributed to it, and more so how difficult it’s been to reverse all those fears. As if it’s as easy as a light switch I could just somehow turn off.”

“For what it’s worth, you’re doing a pretty damn great job at pushing yourself.” Luca brushes over my fingers as he meets my gaze.

I didn’t think falling in love with someone could mean baring your most personal thoughts and feelings, and instead of feeling judged, you’d feel embraced and listened to.

“Thank you, Luca.” I squeeze his hand gently, now recalling the times where I felt fearless, in contrast. “You know the one place I never had any fear though?”

He shakes his head with curiosity.

“My imagination. It’s where I could have everything I wanted growing up and the one thing that no one could take away from me because it was in my head.”

“I definitely relate to that to an extent. I think your imagination is really important.”

“It’s so important.” I sit up passionately. “I think as girls, we’re especially told at a young age to lessen our imagination and limit our expectations. And then we have social media constantly reminding us, ‘oh aren’t you too old to like this or that,’ as if women are supposed to outgrow certain things that are perfectly acceptable.” I’m then reminded of a recent example. “Like the sandcastles we made the other day. If a woman in her twenties posted that on social media she’d get a flood of comments saying how childish it is. ”

Luca nods. “I know, it’s pretty fucking ridiculous. Certain things just aren’t as encouraged for whatever reason, and it’s annoying.”

“It’s honestly exhausting.”

“I think that’s why perspective is everything,” he says, tilting his head. “As long as you know the value of something, other people’s comments just fade to background noise. Like the stereotype with men for example and how it’s not cool to be ‘romantic,’ especially by other men. It’s disappointing, but again, it’s all about your perspective.”

I feel a sting in my chest, knowing that guys probably deal with a lot of scrutiny that I wouldn’t be able to understand. The way Luca wouldn’t completely understand how I feel. Nevertheless, it’s comforting to know you’re not alone in trying to figure out who you want to be in a world that sometimes makes that feel impossible to figure out.

“Perspective is important,” I add, “and I think mine was pretty different before. That’s why I’ve felt somewhat ashamed at times for not having the experience a woman my age is typically expected to have. But you’re right, no one can make you feel behind if you believe you’re not.”

“Well said.” He runs his fingers through the ends of my hair as his lips form a soft grin. “If I haven’t told you already, I like how direct you are with everything.”

I lean into his touch. “That’s a nice way of describing me. Thank you.”

“I really ate my own words though, didn’t I?”

“What do you mean?”

“When I made fun of you for coming here,” Luca clarifies. “If anything, I should have been grateful that you came here. ”

“Yeah, who knows if we would’ve ever had a chance to meet if I didn’t come here.”

“I mean, now I think we could have probably met at some point,” he says with a sudden glimmer in his eyes. “There were so many things for it to only be a bunch of coincidences.”

“Wait, if this isn’t a coincidence, then would you say it’s fate , or do you still not believe in that?” I tease.

“I never said I didn’t believe in fate.”

“You implied it though, no?”

“I’ve had moments that made me question it for sure, but I’d say that this is as close as it gets to it.”

And with that, this all feels almost too good to be true.

_________

Despite driving to the airport, my mind is still pretending that I’m not about to leave this beautiful place and even more beautiful guy.

As I search through the music on Luca’s phone, he asks, “So did you tell Georgia you have a boyfriend now?”

My heart flutters. I look up with a beaming smile at the words I never expected to hear only to be met with his cocky smirk. “I actually haven’t told her much since we first kissed,” I admit.

Luca’s brows furrow even though his grin remains glued to his face.

“I don’t think I could repeat the majority of what we did over text,” I clarify, a rush of pressure teasing between my legs.

He licks his lips. “Does that mean I shouldn’t text you when your body’s on my mind?”

The warmth reaches closer to where I wish his lips could go back to right now. “Not unless you’re planning on flying over that same day.”

“Noted.” His self-satisfaction only increases, while my mind starts to spiral again. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

I laugh before placing my focus back on his playlists. Thankfully, I’ve had enough time to go over all of them now, already knowing my favorite as I select the one titled “haze,” (which also happens to be the raunchiest one). “I love how you basically have a sex playlist.”

Luca’s cheeks blush softly. “I don’t have a sex playlist. What are you talking about?”

“Have you listened to your songs on your ‘haze’ playlist?” I say, brows raised.

“Not in a while.” He smirks. “But apparently you have…”

As I’m looking for which song to choose, I tell him, “I just realized how most sex scenes in movies have music playing in the background, and it makes the scenes so romantic. I think it would be fun to try it with music too.”

Luca smiles at the way I say this, so innocently as if I’m referring to going on a jog. “ Yeah? What song would you pick?”

“Well on this playlist, probably ‘Heavenly’ by Cigarettes After Sex.”

“That one’s nice at night,” he says. I nudge his shoulder as a wave of jealousy hits me at the thought of him having a memory attached to his comment, when he quickly clarifies, “To listen to in general.”

I snort. “How about you?”

“Well I was going to say ‘Georgia’ by Vance Joy…”

“I’m sure Georgia would get a kick out of that.” I chuckle, knowing she definitely would. After leaving that playlist, I remember the double meaning behind the title of another one, and ask sarcastically, “So does ‘beach’ in your beach playlist stand for something else too? ”

“Nope. That one’s actually just about the beach.”

“Of course it is.” I laugh, while pressing shuffle, when Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl” starts to play. With eyes lit up, I practically squeal, “Are you kidding me? Okay, I know I keep saying this, but this is genuinely one of my favorite songs of all-time .”

“Mine as well,” he says. “It’s a classic.”

I hold his shoulder gently. “You know we have to sing along.”

“Is there any other way?” he adds, while turning up the volume.

Driving along the coast listening to arguably one of the most iconic summer songs as Luca and I belt the chorus to each other feels pretty surreal.

The reminder of all the years I used to sing this song alone in my car while driving by the beach comes rushing back to me. And now that it’s with my boyfriend , the song has never sounded better .

When it ends, he says, “I think we have time for one more song. There’s one I want to show you. It’s also on this playlist.”

I reach for his phone with butterflies filling my stomach, noting how this is the first time a guy has ever told me that he wants to share a song with me. Knowing Luca is aware of how much music means to me and how much I know it also means to him makes the gesture all the more meaningful.

“What’s it called?” I ask.

“‘La Gata Bajo la Lluvia,’” he replies with a warm grin. “It was originally sung by the late Spanish singer Rocío Dúrcal. It’s my mom’s favorite song, and I think you’ll really like it. My playlist has a cover of the song by another Spanish singer. Her name’s Ana Mena. ”

Not sure why his words strike a chord with me except for the fact that he included his mom in his recommendation. And that somehow makes my smile ten times wider.

“Found it,” I say.

Then the most melodic guitar strums fill the car.

Closing my eyes in the bliss of this moment feels like hearing a song that you’ve definitely heard at some point in your life when in reality you’ve never even heard a second of it. The melody of the verses flows like the calmest ocean waves into the chorus. Something about the song makes it seem as if I’m floating near the shallow end of the sea. With the opening guitar strums luring me into the water. As I float during the harmony of the chorus. Until the final soothing notes bring me back to the shore.

Opening my eyes, a tear falls down my cheeks as the melody fades away, reliving my entire experience in Spain through the duration of that song, all the beautiful ups and downs that led me to this entrancing moment .

“So?” Luca asks. “What did you think?”

“It’s a nice song,” I say quietly.

“Are you crying?”

“No,” I reply, trying to quickly sniffle away the water running down my nose to remove any traces of my tears.

“Jasmine,” he says, clearly not buying it.

I press my fingers across my cheeks. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s happening to me here. I don’t usually cry this much.” Something about getting a taste of what I always wanted but worrying about the near inevitability of losing it is starting to freak me out.

“Why are you apologizing?” Luca replies. He brushes his fingers over my shoulder as I immediately hold onto his hand. “Based off the music that you shared with me, I thought you’d like this one. It has that ethereal sound that I’ve noticed you like in a lot of songs.”

And that’s exactly why I loved it the second I heard the first note.

It’s not just about the song. It’s the fact that he notices everything . Not just the important, obvious things. But the equally meaningless little things. No, he doesn’t just notice them. He cares for things I care about too.

I say what my tears stopped me from revealing a second ago, “Everything about it was perfect. I was actually picturing us slow dancing to it by the bar.”

The same bar at the resort where I spilled my guts to him accidentally. The one where we had our first date. And the one I passed by that first night hoping I’d experience even a trace of what I now have.

“I’ve never felt this understood before. It’s nice,” I continue, offering the whole smile I’m able to form as another tear lands on my face. “And I loved the song.”

He lifts my hand that was holding onto his before moving it near his lips, pressing such a gentle kiss that makes my heart ache. “I’m glad you liked it.” He smiles. “I have a confession to make. You’ve reminded me why I like so many things.”

Oh.

For once, there’s no need to overthink anything. I say the first thought that comes to mind, “You reminded me why I didn’t give up on what I always wanted.”

As I run my fingers through the golden strands that were never my intention to let go of, my stomach drops when we reach the airport’s entrance. And even more when we quickly find parking.

That means saying goodbye sooner. Any minute longer would make a world’s difference to me.

________ _

Too distracted by the realization that I’ve been trying to avoid these past few days, Luca thankfully has enough strength for the both of us. As he helps check in my luggage, I continue to blankly stare into oblivion while holding onto my carry-on.

Although, it seems like Luca might be processing this the same as me and just so happens to be doing a better job at hiding it. With the way he’s scurrying around trying to do the most tedious and insignificant tasks, like adding an additional tag to my bag to make sure it doesn’t get lost.

While he continues to stall, I think of the one thing that usually solves all problems.

I pull him in for a hug. A hug that’s so tight, maybe he’ll somehow come back with me to California. A girl can dream …

It’s certainly tight enough where it feels as if my heart’s escaping out of my chest and into his.

Holding his back closely, I say against his ear, “Don’t ever change.” Still not ready to look into his eyes, I add, “Thank you for making me feel safe , Luca. About everything .”

He pulls me away just to look into my eyes. And they’re as crystal-like as ever before. All the shades somehow melding into each other to reflect the liveliest, most gleaming blue.

“Thank you for making me feel vulnerable again,” he says through watery eyes.

I almost choke on my next words, realizing that this is the first time I’ve seen him almost shed a tear. “You didn’t need me for that. I know that now.”

“Fuck,” he exhales through a nervous laugh as he tilts his head up toward the airport ceiling. “Why are we acting this sad? We’ll FaceTime whenever we can, and we’ll hopefully see each other again soon.”

“I hope so,” I say.

“We will ,” he repeats confidently, tightening his grip around my waist.

“Please just kiss me before I go,” I request.

He takes his time, as if we have an abundance of it, as he runs his fingers through my hair before clasping onto a substantial amount of my tangled waves. Our eyes shut at the same moment our lips push against each other’s. The moment I want his tongue, he shows no hesitation to give it to me softly first, wickedly second.

But the patience in his hands wears thin when his fingers dance over to my neck. As a whimper escapes my mouth, Luca’s bottom lip catches my top lip as if he’s memorized my mouth so well that he understands it even more than I do. Pulling away slowly as our breath vibrates off the other’s skin is not what either of us want. But it’s also the only logical thing to do before we both combust.

Because of course he had to kiss me like that .

“Okay. That was a terrible idea,” I admit, flustered.

“Why?” He teasingly brushes over my bottom lip with his thumb. “Are you feeling a little hot?”

“I don’t think our plane is going to need an engine, let’s put it that way.” When he snorts, I take the opportunity to rip the band-aid off. “Bye Luca.”

If I don’t leave to my gate now, I fear I never will.

“Bye Jasmine.”

Luca’s comforting voice still manages to echo across the crowded room .

The last thing I remember is his lingering touch against my ear as he tucked my hair to the side before I disappeared from his view.

At least I doze off within minutes of boarding the plane, not getting much sleep last night for reasons that were much, much more important.

It’s mind-blowing how exponentially different going home feels from traveling here.

For starters, I feel like a completely different person.

Less like who I thought I was supposed to be.

More who I always wanted to be.