CHAPTER 22

“The Prophecy” – Taylor Swift

MAKING OUT WHEN WE’RE BACK at Luca’s suite feels like torture when his fingers trace up my bare legs, only to stop right below my thighs. “You know…” I gasp between my sighs. “I’m ready,” I say, wondering if he wants me to initiate this first.

The catch in his breath tickles my cheeks as his weight shifts from above me on the bed.

Maybe I should have just showed him I’m ready than tell him? I fear I’m doing this all wrong.

“Unless you don’t want to yet,” I add, raising my eyes, unsure what he’s thinking.

Luca quickly shakes his head. “No, of course I want to. I just don’t want you to feel like we have to rush anything.”

This further confirms to me that his forwardness after the club was more in the heat of the moment. Since last night he’s shifted back to his slightly more reserved behavior. And how can I even blame him when I’m sure he’s sensing the nerves that I’m still working through .

But knowing in my heart that this isn’t just about the fact that I’ll be leaving soon and that we have a limited number of days left together here, it’s about wanting to push past the nerves. With him.

And so I trace my fingers up and down his arms from beneath, reassuring him, “After waiting years to do this, I promise you that rushing this is the only inaccurate conclusion to make here.” His lips curve into the tiniest smile. “And I’m not just saying that since I’m horny or anything if that’s also what you’re wondering.”

Why did I just admit that to him?

But to be fair I have bigger problems if I’m afraid to admit this to him.

Luca tilts his head with a sudden intrigue that’s already starting to affect my temperature. “Am I turning you on?”

Looking down at the way his chest’s moving, I remind myself to blink. “I mean, my period also ended not too long ago so I wouldn’t take too much credit.”

His mouth drops open in exaggeration, making me wish his lips never left mine. “Ouch. That’s harsh.” Luckily he leans in, pressing his weight over me again. “Your heartbeat from a second ago would have to disagree with you.”

“How can you prove that?”

“Come to think of it, maybe I was wrong. Let me just check to make sure,” he says so innocently, before tracing my neck in a curved motion with his thumb.

It’s not until his finger is replaced by his lips that I remember to ask, “So how fast is it beating?”

“Almost as fast as mine,” Luca whispers as he regains his posture .

His eyes grow a darker shade of blue the lower his hands move down my hips, at such a slow pace giving him plenty of time to continue glancing into my now heavier eyes.

Right when his fingers reach the waistband of my shorts, all the thoughts that have plagued my mind for years reenter despite not having an invitation.

What will he think of my body? What will I think of my body? Will it be awkward?

What if I move the wrong way? Or say the wrong thing?

Then a completely different thought hits me as I blurt out, “We’re not having sex right now, right?”

Luca moves his hands off me. “No. I was just going to touch you if that’s what you still wanted?”

Okay, good. Why is my mind doing this to me again?

I reply, “No, yes. Yes I do.” Placing my hands over my forehead, I give him a nervous grin. “Once again, I’m really making this as unsexy as possible, aren’t I?”

He immediately shakes his head. “No, you’re not doing that at all. I think it’s good that you’re asking questions. And if anything else seems unclear or if you have a doubt about something, please tell me so I know.” As I nod, Luca brushes over my chin. “I wouldn’t want you to feel like anything’s too awkward to ask even if it feels that way.”

What did I do to deserve him?

Oh right. Waited almost a decade to hopefully find someone like him that I still can’t comprehend exists.

I nod with an increasingly vulnerable smile. “I don’t think you have to worry about that. If anything, I’ll ask you too much.”

“There’s no such thing” he reassures. “I mean that.” When he leans in again, it’s more cautious than before. “Are you sure you want to continue?”

Going on a few dates might not feel like much. But in the three weeks that Luca and I have spent constantly around each other, I’ve learned more about him than I do about friends that I’ve known for years. And it’s not just that. He knows how much this means to me. How much it has scared me. We understand each other. We care about each other. To be naked in every sense of the word, beneath the lust and desire, there’s comfort and safety. In a way I’ve never come close to feeling before. The way at some point I feared I never could . So I try my best to articulate how I’ve never been more sure about anything before when our eyes meet again.

“This is the first time I trust myself to share my body with another person.” I trace his neck and watch some of the pressure he’s holding in for the both of us ease up a bit. “And I trust you too. I never thought that I could trust someone else like this, but I do.”

Luca’s lips form the warmest smile. “I trust you too,” he says as he presses his soft lips onto mine before removing my shorts, leaving me in just my tank top and underwear.

My heartbeat thuds louder than it ever has before when his hands graze along the sides of my hips. “How do you like to be touched?” he asks.

“I don’t know.” I sigh at my own answer.

“What do you mean?” he says, confused.

I swallow my saliva with a noticeably drier throat at a detail that even he doesn’t know about me yet. Not that it’s something I would have even known how to tell him until the moment arrived. Trying to maintain our eye contact despite my added embarrassment, I reveal, “I’ve only really touched right above.”

Luca’s brows furrow as he tries to read me. “You mean your clit? ”

“Yes.” I flinch at myself for not even saying the word to him when he’s about to actually touch it. Nerves start building in his eyes as I worry he’s about to reconsider everything. “Please say something.”

Now I’m even more embarrassed at how unbelievable this all sounds. 25, and still hasn’t touched herself the way she’s expected to.

Luca looks at me with pursed lips, a trace of both hesitation and concern appearing on his face. “Do you mind if I ask why you didn’t want to call it your clit?”

I wish I knew the answers to these questions myself.

I sigh, then reply, “I guess it’s just something that I don’t usually ever say.” Or because using “normal terms” had always been taboo in my family. They made it feel like it was a crime to not use euphemisms when referring to completely normal body parts.

“I’m not trying to judge you for not saying it,” Luca clarifies. “I’m only bringing it up since I’m curious if it’s something that you don’t want to say or something you wish you could say.” He rubs the edge of my shoulder with so much thought and patience.

It’s hard not to relax under his touch as I try my best to reason about something that even I no longer can rationalize. “I haven’t given that part of it too much thought to be completely honest. Like if it’s something I want to say. I just know anytime I think of saying ‘clit’ or other similar words, I feel a bit embarrassed even though I know there’s nothing embarrassing about them.”

Oddly enough, this time it doesn’t feel embarrassing.

It almost feels relieving having said it just now.

He nods with a soft smile. “I just wanted you to know that there’s nothing wrong with saying those words, if you wanted to say them.”

My body warms with relief. I make a note at how Luca’s taking his time to not just brush over these more nuanced details of intimacy. Ones that he could have completely ignored. Yet instead, he’s helping me work through them, starting with destigmatizing words I always felt ashamed to use.

“Do you really want me to be the one that touches you first then?” he asks.

I run my fingers through his hair, quickly reassuring, “I can’t even imagine doing any of this for the first time with anyone else. I want you to be my first.”

“I meant even before you do.” He looks down at my hips and then into my eyes again. “Are you sure you want me to be the very first one ?”

I didn’t even think about it that way.

I take a deep breath before confessing something that I never thought I’d reveal to someone else.

“The thought of fingering myself has always scared me a little. Actually, a lot . I’ve tried it a few times, but when my finger barely touches me, I just panic.” I go off on a tangent since I’m also starting to panic right now . “That’s why I can’t even put a tampon in to this day.”

Still listening intently, he asks, “So you panic when something goes inside you?”

“Yes, but not exactly. It’s hard to describe, but whenever my finger feels like it’s about to go inside, my body just clenches. And it freaks me out a little.” I can’t even hide the disappointment I feel when he removes his hands from my hips again.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this yet then,” Luca says, hesitant. “I don’t know how I feel about doing something to you that you’re this worried about doing to yourself.” He sits up as I prop up on my elbows in frustration.

Knowing how complicated and personal this is for me, I try my best to convince him that I can’t imagine him not being the first one. “That’s the thing though. I’m so worried that I won’t ever do this out of my own irrational fear.” I sigh deeply, exhaling my frustration. “I really want you to try.”

The softness in his eyes eases the tension in my shoulders. He still looks conflicted but nods. “Okay. But please stop me for any reason.”

“I promise.”

As Luca kneels down and moves in between my legs, I’m convinced that any nerves I’m experiencing are from the vicious cycle that my fear has always kept me on.

But I no longer want to run around in circles. I’d rather get lost in him.

My trembling body only weakens further when Luca’s index finger slips under the waistband of my underwear as he slides it down without leaving my eyes.

I thought I’d feel more nervous once I’d be exposed like this. But I don’t. Not even a little. I feel liberated . Although it might have something to do with the way Luca’s looking at me. With lips parted open so seductively that the view alone is enough to make my legs shake even more. As if there are a thousand words he wants to say. A thousand things he wants to do . Yet is holding his wildest thoughts and actions back.

He stretches my legs slightly to reveal even more of me, and I swear my entire body squirms as he glances in between my legs with a narrower gaze. “You’re more beautiful than I imagined.”

Did he just admit that he’s imagined me as well?

I tease, “So you’ve thought about this before?”

“A couple of times at least, but I mean, who’s counting?” He smirks as his hand moves down my stomach only for me to start laughing .

Feeling mortified that of course my ticklishness had to come back and haunt me, I cover my cheeks with my hands while still giggling. “I’m sorry. You knew what to expect.”

“What if we try what you told me the first time we went surfing?” His chuckle quickly turns into a coy smirk. “You want to lead me?” He reaches his provocative hand out toward my chest as I hold onto it before directing him down my body.

Our eyes continue to grow in intensity with every inch our hands are traveling lower. And the further our fingers go, the more it feels like he’s touched me when he hasn’t even yet.

When I remove my hand, he places his middle finger on the one part of me I’m most familiar with. Except the moment his skin touches mine, it’s a completely different experience. One where my entire body reacts. My chest lifts slightly from the sheets. My inner thighs try to press against each other. And my hips are desperate to move along with his finger.

But the initial touch is nothing compared to when Luca begins tracing agonizingly slow circles on the outside of my clit before building toward its sensitive center. “Luca—” My head falls back into the pillow, remembering how he’s a painter and damn is he showing his skills right now.

As his middle finger continues to work my now swollen clit, his index finger brushes below as I gasp at the sensation before he presses his lips onto mine. He pulls away for a brief second, leading me to open my half-shut eyes as he asks, “Is everything good?”

I can’t even form a coherent sentence, and so I simply give a combination of a moan and a nod as he picks up his pace but only slightly, when I feel his index finger trace around me again.

It’s then that I’m reminded of each time that I tried to move past this step on my own. It doesn’t help when I remember how his finger is not only larger than mine but also far longer .

The way he’s holding me, touching me, looking at me. It’s all flawless . And to finally be the object of his affection should only be making me more confident. Not to mention the indescribable pleasure he’s giving me that I haven’t even come close to feeling like this on my own.

Then why are my doubts continuing to overpower my mind? That this will hurt. That I might make a cringy sound. That I won’t be able to make him feel the way he’s making me feel. The intrusive thoughts are enough to cover the bare state my body’s in.

But his skill distracts me from them again as his fingers tease my inner lips, barely tracing the part of me that wants to be touched by him so badly , and yet my mind keeps shutting it out.

He kisses me so deeply that I almost forget about all my fears.

But as soon as I feel his index finger align with me, before he can even put any of his skin into mine, I shriek.

Having scared the poor guy, Luca removes his hand from me so quickly that I barely feel it when he does. And now I feel bad for embarrassing not only myself but also him in the process.

He sits back up next to my legs, his eyes wide with concern. “Are you okay? Did that hurt?”

It didn’t. None of it hurt. It was just my fucking fear getting in the way again. Ruining everything that has a chance of turning into something good.

Unsure how any of this will come across, I explain, “No, not at all. You were doing great. I just panicked.” I run my tense fingers through my hair in frustration. “I’m sorry. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I do this?” I bury my face in my hands. All I want to do is cry because now I have the guy, but I still don’t have my peace of mind.

Luca’s brows crease as he brushes over my knee reassuringly. “Hey. Stop it. It’s not your fault at all. ”

“There was a reason how I told you this might not ever happen for me,” I remind, defeated.

I feel his gaze on me as I look away, not bringing myself to face him right now. “Jasmine, it will. You just need to give it time. Please look at me,” he requests earnestly. I sigh before glancing back over at him even though now I just want to sob. “I promise you that it will,” he says so convincingly that I almost believe him.

I brush his fingers with mine and suggest, “Maybe we can try again?”

I hate how he’s looking at me right now with so much sympathy that I also sense my desperation. His voice is as soft as possible as he replies, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I can tell how hard he’s trying not to offend me when he doesn’t push my fingers away and instead holds onto them gently.

Only feeling worse that now I may have turned him off from wanting this with me completely, I add, “I didn’t mean to scare you. You didn’t do anything.”

“You didn’t scare me at all,” he reassures. “I don’t want you to think that. I just think if you’re stressed right now, it’ll only make it worse if we try again.”

“Everything felt good though. It’s just my body is reacting like this,” I say.

His eyes grow more serious. “Don’t do that . Don’t bring yourself down like that.”

Knowing he’s right just adds to the frustration that’s consuming me right now. How frustrated I’ve been about this for years . How my body keeps rejecting what my mind wants. How close I always get to it for it not to happen. How tired I am of not experiencing this in the effortless way I’ve seen it described my entire life. Even though I’m not sure if he’ll ever understand how I feel, I still try to explain, “I’m not trying to. It’s just that I can’t even have a normal fucking woman’s wellness exam when I go to my doctor because this is what happens to me every fucking time.”

My eyes well up as a tear falls down at the reminder of this deeply relevant memory. I can’t look at him for any longer. I fear if I do, I’ll start bawling.

It’s too late to cover it when I feel Luca’s comforting thumb wipe away my tear. “I’m listening,” he says gently.

I take a deep breath, trying my best to gather my thoughts.

“Apparently even if you’re not sexually active, it’s recommended to have a pelvic exam once a year when you turn 18. The idea of it freaked me out until earlier this year. I finally was like, ‘you know what, I need to grow up, I’m going to do this. How hard could it be?’ And so my doctor tried to do the test twice a few months ago, and both times I was so uncomfortable. I can’t even explain it to you. It was the first time in my entire life where I genuinely thought to myself, what the actual fuck? Why didn’t anyone tell me about this? Why didn’t someone explain to me that this is how it feels like when someone sticks their finger inside you? I was floored. Before that, I’d never even tried to finger myself. After that, I tried it a few more times and well you know the rest…I thought I was crazy for feeling like this when all I seemed to hear before is how good it’s supposed to feel.”

“You’re not crazy,” he quickly reassures.

“My doctor’s reasoning was that it’s different when she does it, and it’s normal to feel uncomfortable. But the way I reacted, I don’t know if anything about that was normal hence why I said my body’s not reacting the way I want it to.”

Luca rubs my knee softly as he says, “Your body is most likely protecting you since it’s confused what’s going on. And this is just my observation, but I think it might not be as much of a problem from your body as it is your fear. ”

I shake my head with wide eyes. “I’m not scared anymore. I trust you.”

He nods. “I get that, and I believe you. But your mind is unsure of what’s going to happen next. And I think that’s what’s causing your body to shut down.”

My heart tightens in my chest after hearing this. It’s like an epiphany of some sorts. Maybe it has been my mind that’s been feeding my body fear rather than the alternative. The exact way fear has been blocking all the other aspects of my life from flourishing. Wanting things to change but holding myself back in fear of what lies beyond the unknown.

Despite this realization, at this very moment, I’m not really seeing how this will change. And it’s not like it’s on him to change it. “I don’t know what to do to remove that fear,” I admit.

His brows crease as he pauses. “I wish I knew what to say, but maybe try and not be as worried that it’s not happening. Since now you’re scared that you’re scared. If that makes any sense.”

“It does.” I give a weak smile, not wanting to affect him beyond this when he’s been trying his hardest to help. It’s not until then that I realize I forgot to put my underwear back on, noting how comfortable he’s made me that I could be this exposed amidst a sentimental conversation.

Sitting up against the headboard, Luca combs through my hair as my head rests on his shoulder. Every gentle stroke, caress, and movement of his fingers only makes me shiver again, appreciating how his attention to detail clearly doesn’t just start nor stop with sex.

He turns toward me. “Maybe I need to step up my game,” he says with a chuckle, purposefully trying to make the mood more lighthearted .

“No, no,” I rush to correct him. “You did everything great. I was turned on and—”

“Jasmine, relax. I’m only joking.” A smirk crosses his face. “And I know. I could tell.”

He presses a kiss to my temple so endearingly that my entire nervous system reactivates.

It’s nice being with someone who doesn’t make you doubt yourself. But Luca takes this one step further. The way he’s reacted to everything is making me want to remove every single one of my own fears.

And even if it’s not easy or comfortable, I just have a feeling the next time will go a lot differently than this.