18. Carter

EIGHTEEN

CARTER

M asari young gestate at roughly the same rate as human children. Actually, most sapient species in the galaxy tended to have a nine month in-womb cycle. Those who believe the Precursors sowed the seeds for life in the galaxy pointed to this as proof of their fath.

I had never given the theory much creed, in my old life. Now that I expected a child of my own, I found that the distinctions between human and alien mattered less and less every day.

I soon discovered many other parallels between humans and aliens. Namely, the hormonal fluctuations of the pregnant female. Arael had come a long way from the simpering, cringing, abused woman she had been when we first ‘met.'

But now the pendulum swung in the extreme, opposite direction. Arael snapped at me for what seemed minor offenses and oversights. I didn't want to make her more stressed, so I tended to keep quiet when she reacted in a volatile way.

This turned out to be a good survival strategy.

One day, some eight months into Arael's pregnancy, I sat in a meeting with Pageus, Nikor, and Zey. Lo appeared in the doorway, his eyes filled with worry.

"What is it, Lo?"

I had made Lo my personal messenger. The Sages and Engineers worked tirelessly on long-distance communication, but until then I needed a good old fashioned runner. Lo fit the bill well, and I thought it a good way to get the caste-bearing members of Masari society to get used to one of the former Shunned.

"Your life mate requests that you bring back some Lempu fruit when you return home this evening."

"Thank you, Lo--"

"Additionally, she would like to remind you that you are the chief, and you can choose to come home at a time well before midnight if you wish."

I smiled, noticing the amusement on the faces of my fellow leaders.

"Yes, thank you, Lo--"

"Furthermore," Lo said, swallowing hard "your life mate wants to remind you that you promised to rub her feet during the final phases of her pregnancy, and yet you have failed to do so a single night this week."

Zey clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle laughter. Nikor and Pageus were more composed, but I could see the laughter in their eyes even if I could not hear it coming out of their mouths.

"Thank you, Lo," I said, putting a firm note of finality into my tone. "Please tell my lifemate I will see her later…before midnight, and with Lempu fruit and foot massages in tow."

Lo clapped his hand to his shoulder, a gesture he'd picked up from the warriors. He dashed away, leaving me to my meeting, such as it was.

"I remember when my wife first foaled," Pageus said wistfully. "Oh, I thought she would kill me for certain."

"Did it ever get any easier?" Nikor asked.

"Not really, but one does get used to it."

I joined them in their laughter, but the affairs of state quickly stole my mirth. I picked up a tablet that would have made a good compad but for the lack of galactic ethernet connectivity.

"I'm a little concerned that the Black Sand tribe continues to threaten hostilities. We may need to give up access to the White-Thunder river that runs through their valley."

"The Black Sand tribe is miniscule. We could crush them with ease," Nikor pointed out.

"Yes, we could, and then we would spend a great deal of time and effort crushing dissent. The facts remain the facts. The Black Sand tribe needs the Republic more than the Republic needs the Black Sand tribe. Either they will come around to reason, or they will not. In either case, we must forge onward."

I rubbed my eyes, feeling very tired. I never was much of an administrator. I was a researcher. That was the environment in which I thrived.

Now, however, I had to be a leader, and every leader had to manage those they led. I just kept making my work harder, because we added a new tribe to the Republic almost every week. Pageus liked to point out that no one had stretched their influence out further than we had, not even Grhoma Jark at the height of his power.

I saw the entire affair as a matter of practicality and safety more than political zealotry. I pursued a republic because I honestly thought it would be the safest environment for my wife and child…and perhaps future children.

If I had thought that a dictatorship or some other form of government would have worked to keep them safe better, then that is what I would have pursued. I made no pretenses to the greater good, my motives were purely selfish.

The meeting adjourned with a wait and see attitude toward the Black Sand tribe. My fellow leaders proved themselves to be friends as well. Zey made a point to yawn and stretch and tell me how late it had gotten, though we usually went much longer into the night.

I left the meeting and diverted to a fruit seller for the Lempu. Once I had several of the hairy, tawny-hued bitter fruit in a knitted sack, I returned to my home.

Arael looked up from the divan, dark circles under her eyes. It did not seem to me that her belly could get much larger.

"Did you bring the Lempu fruit?"

"I did."

I took one of the fruits out of my sack and used a short paring knife to remove the hairy outer skin. I started to slice the fruit for Arael as well, but she impatiently grabbed at it.

"Never mind all of that, just give it to me."

She seized the fruit from my grasp and crammed half of it into her mouth. Arael's nostrils flared as she wolfed down the fruit. Once the fruit vanished, she leaned back on the sofa and folded her hands over her belly.

"Oh, thank you, sweet relief."

My face wrinkled with a worried frown.

"Is the nausea bad again?"

"It's never stopped being bad. Again? Please. I thought you were a scientist, and yet you don't seem to be able to discern observable data."

"I'm sorry."

"Bah."

She waved me off. I ventured into the kitchen and re-heated a pot of porridge I'd made earlier that day. Once she ate, Arael quickly grew sleepy. I tucked her into our bed and then went to stand by the window. The triad of moons were high in the sky. I'd made it home early, only to watch her slumber.

Do not think such things, Carter. Your wife is dealing with a lot right now. Just be glad you are able to be there for her when she needs you.

I sighed and shook my head, though a smile tugged at my lips. I did not even recognize myself, not even my own thoughts.

I'd never spared a thought for anyone other than myself for most of my life. Whenever I gave lip service to the greater good of humanity, it had been just that--lip service. I hadn't cared about the cause at all. I didn't like aliens, I hated them in fact, but I had no delusions about the greater good of humanity.

The truth was, I hadn't been all that fond of humanity, either.

I looked back at my sleeping wife, heavily pregnant with our child, and realized some hard truths about myself.

What a fool I have been.

Of course I hated my life. It had been devoid of meaning, utterly empty. I had never given things like love and friendship a fair chance. I had simply assumed them to be out of my reach.

I walked over to our bed and looked down on her lovely, sleeping form. My hand brushed across her hair, feeling its softness.

"I've done a lot of things I regret in this life…in both of my lives."

I shook my head, then spoke again, keeping my voice soft enough it would not disturb her.

"I have no regrets about the time I have spent with you. In fact, it's my favorite thing in all the galaxy. All I want is to spend each and every day with the woman I love, and raise our child."

I turned back to the three moons, swimming in a sea of stars. When I spoke, I addressed not them, nor the celestial host. I suppose I spoke to god, or perhaps the Precursors. I didn't think it mattered to whom I spoke, as much as the sentiment behind the words.

"I'm sorry. I never got it before. I just didn't get it. I thought that I understood so much, but now I know the truth. I don't understand it. I don't understand it at all."

I felt my heart soar as I turned back to my sleeping wife.

"All I know is, for the first time in either of my lives, I'm happy. Truly happy. And for that, and for so many other things, I want to say thank you."

When I thought of the small-minded, cramped individual I had been before, it made me sick to my stomach. How had I lived that way? So blind, to everything all around me? Now I had tasted the bittersweet nectar of life, and I wanted more. I wanted to drain the cup.

"I guess…it doesn't matter if I ever make it back home, after all."

I laughed, keeping the sound soft so as not to wake Arael. I'd known the truth for a long time. Hearing myself say it out loud felt like an ultimately empty gesture. Things were what they were, whether I wanted to admit to it or not.

I carefully laid down next to my lifemate and watched her sleep until m y eyelids grew heavy. My old life, my memories of being a human, they would always be with me. They were a part of me.

But my heart, and my soul, were Masari.