53. Wren

53

WREN

B lue, you have to wake up.

Hayes's voice was fading in and out as I desperately tried to cling on to it. He sounded so close, yet so far away as more muffled words of his appeared.

Was I dreaming?

Was I dead?

Where the hell was I?

Everything was so dark. Like I was stuck in the deepest, darkest pit with no direction or way of getting out. All I had were voices.

First Hayes.

Come on, baby. I need you to open your eyes.

Then Mal.

Doe, if you can hear me, please wake up. I… I can't… I can't lose you.

My heart clenched painfully at the desperation in both their tones. It was as if I was further sinking into a state of no return and all the hope that I had was in the voices of two men who simultaneously held a piece of my heart.

Doe, I love you, so fucking much, don't leave me.

I hopelessly reached out in the direction of Mal. Needing him to know that I wasn't leaving, that I was right here.

He needs you, Blue.

Then suddenly, as if something inside was telling me to try to open my eyes one last time, I finally did. At first, nothing had happened but on another attempt, my eyelids fluttered. They wobbled until every ounce of my strength was used to open my eyes and that was when finally, a sliver of light appeared.

Sunlight.

My heart climbed at the realization that I was finally waking up.

That I was alive and with the thought of Mal on my mind, my eyes had begun to open.

Slowly.

I tried adjusting them gradually but every time I tried to fully open them, I was blasted with the sunlight that was pouring in. It was all too much. The pain, the confusion, but then suddenly as if someone knew I was struggling to awake, the light slowly dissipated until finally I could open them.

Everything was a blob of haziness. Blurry and unfocused, I blinked a few times before realizing what my surroundings were.

A hospital.

More specifically, I was in a hospital bed.

Oh god…

Panic had swept through me and immediately my eyes had sought out the one person who had to witness everything.

And he was right there. Beside me sitting in a chair with his large hands clutching onto the armrests while his cold, obsidian eyes watched me. He looked like a broken man with heavy bags under his eyes and a hundred-yard stare that tore at my heartstrings.

"What… What happened?" I asked through a dry, sore throat.

He blinked before answering.

"You passed out."

I looked down at my wrist where I was hooked up to a monitor and a bag of fluids. Everything had officially blown up in my face, only now to a level that I hoped it wouldn't get to.

I was swarmed with guilt, as yet again I had been caught in another one of my lies that Mal was going to find out sooner or later.

Or maybe he already had and that's why he looked like death right now.

So, on a painful swallow to clear my throat, I peered back up at him.

"Mal, I—" I tried, but he cut me off by lifting his hand in the air.

"No, Doe. I don't think you heard me clearly…" He leaned onto his knees as agony swirled around in the depths of his gaze. "I watched as your skin turned blue while you clutched at your chest because you couldn't fucking breathe. I saw my life flash before my eyes as you went limp in my goddamn arms… I couldn't." He paused as his eyes slammed tightly shut.

"I couldn't get you to wake up, I couldn't get you to open your fucking eyes."

I flinched at his tone.

"All these fuckin' lies you've been harboring, me, the stress of it all, put you over the edge today and I know you're not telling me the whole truth either. After everything, the love of my life doesn't tell me shit about her health."

I felt like dying on the spot beneath his scrutinizing stare.

"I want to hear it from you, Doe. I deserve that at least, don't I?" His eyes were clouded in a mixture of so many emotions that terrified me.

So, with tears, I reluctantly nodded my head.

"Yes, of course you do. I… I never wanted to hurt you, Mal, and I know in the end, that's all I did."

He didn't respond, instead he remained quiet and observing as he seemed to be waiting for an answer from me.

I took a much-needed breath before finally unloading. "I was born with a rare heart defect. Hypoplastic left heart syndrome."

He watched me, unblinking.

"For so long I believed that my life wasn't meant for anything extraordinary. I was told that the chances of living past my twenties were slim, so I promised myself that I would never bring anyone down with me by falling in love. But then I met… Hayes."

My throat tightened as I noticed him flinch.

"And he changed everything."

Closing my eyes, a rupture of pain had shot through my body. For so long, I've expressed my feelings and emotions over a keyboard and an invisible audience of thousands. In the privacy of my home, where no one could see me, my thoughts were able to express themselves safely.

But here I was now.

Instead of being in front of a screen, I was face to face with the man I never thought would have stolen my heart. And with every pause, every unsure feeling, I had finally felt I could catch my breath again.

Even if just for a moment.

"Despite all the unknowns in my life, he made me see myself as someone who was worthy—someone who deserved happiness like everyone else." I took a deep breath. "And for so long after his passing, I struggled with the guilt of knowing that it should have been me who died that night. Not the sunshine of a man who only wanted to make whatever time I have left on this earth beautiful."

His eyes slammed shut as if in pain.

"I told myself there was no way I'd ever fall in love again, and for so long I was okay with that. But then you happened, Mal. You and your broody, protective nature weaseled your way into my heart and I knew… I knew I was being selfish by not telling you about my heart, but I was terrified of hurting you."

With his eyes still closed, he refused to look at me. I watched as his jaw hardened and shoulders went tight from my confession.

"And I knew if I told you, I would lose you."

Shaking his head on a scoff, his eyes had shot open.

"You hurt me by lying! That pain, the pain I fuckin' feel now is nothing compared to what I would have felt if you would have told me from the very beginning." He pounded his fist against his chest.

A whimper had fallen past my lips as his chest heaved with emotion.

"Why?" His eyes were clouded in torment as his head slightly dropped on a subtle shake. "Why couldn't you have just told me, Wren? Maybe none of this…" He paused and shifted around in his chair before dragging a hand roughly through his messy hair. "If I would have fucking known, maybe none of this would have happened. You being in that bed right now."

He swung his free hand over in my direction.

"It was all my fault, Mal. Me being here. Even if I would have told you about my condition, I wouldn't have had the strength to tell you about the real reason why I was here."

He looked torn, angry, confused, and I hated that I was the cause of it. Part of me was dying to ask if he would hold me, or at least tell me that everything would be okay, but I knew I couldn't.

Not with everything I had done.

"So what does this mean then? For you? For me?"

For us, I could tell he wanted to add, but didn't.

"I…" I began to say, but became startled by harsh lines through his face. Clenched jaw, eyes dark, he looked beyond devastated. "I don't know."

He then laughed.

Darkly.

"You never thought to tell me that I'd be losing another person I loved? You never thought I should know that?" he seethed, causing a rush of tears to flood my face.

"You didn't know that you loved me until recently, Mal."

"Does it really fucking matter? You've been the only goddamn woman on my mind since the moment I've met you, doesn't that count for something?" he roared. "Doesn't it?"

Heavy sobs began to take over as I knew I was only making things worse now.

"And what would you have said if I had told you about my heart? You wouldn't want to be with me. You wouldn't…" My throat tightened as I used the back of my palm to wipe away the layer of tears on my face. "Like you said, you don't want to lose another person you love, so there's no way if I would've told you that you would…"

"Love you? Want to be with you?" He pushed off the chair and rose to a standing position. "Of course I don't want to lose another person I love, but fuck, Wren. How could you possibly think that there would ever be a chance that I'd ever not fucking love you because of your condition? You trusted Hayes enough to tell him, so why not me?"

His eyes peered down at me with a desperation I had never seen before.

So broken, so shattered, he appeared ready to fall down onto his knees in heartbreak.

Stretching my hand out toward him, I let out a sob.

"Why couldn't you just trust me? Why did you lie about everything?" He turned his back away from me and I swear I had felt my heart splinter from his rejection.

"Why did you do this? Why?"

His words sliced its way through the remaining pieces of my heart, leaving me in a mess of tears and pain.

"I'm so sorry, Mal. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I never meant to hurt you."

His back went taut, causing every muscle to ripple beneath his shirt.

"But you did," his heartbroken voice whispered over my whimpers. "You broke my fucking heart, Doe. And now I have no goddamn clue on what to do."

Before I knew it, my vision was darkened by tears.

My heart rate was skyrocketing while everything else inside began to plummet.

"Mal…" I stared heavy into the outlines of his back, hoping he'd finally turn around.

"I can't do this, Wren. I need… I need time to process it all."

Time?

"I need time away from you, as much as it fucking kills me to say."

My chest sank.

"No, Mal…"

"I'm not Hayes, Wren, and I'll never be him. Even if you do love me, and I can feel that you do, your heart, your trust, it will always be with him and him only."

I felt as though I couldn't breathe again.

Every ache, every pain could be felt and it only intensified the longer he refused to look at me—acknowledge me. Then finally as if he knew his words would cause me to break, he spun around.

His large frame immediately sagged when he noticed my current state. Then with a few stomps toward me, he had finally closed the distance between us until his large hands had cradled each side of my face in a gentleness I'd grown to adore.

My heart hammered wildly from his touch. Then leaning down, he planted his mouth onto my forehead in an urgent kiss that unsettled me more than his anger did.

This wasn't just a kiss.

This was a goodbye kiss and within seconds, I was reaching for his arm to cling onto.

"You'll always be his, Doe. Never mine. But God fucking knows I'll always be yours," he spoke against my forehead before laying one last kiss and pulling away.

The hold I had on his arm had gone dead the second his words had hit my ears, and on a broken sob, I watched as the man who had brought me back to life disappeared out of the room and out of my life.