37. Wren

37

WREN

Blue's Words

Blog Entry #8:

I kissed him.

I kissed him a lot and I liked it.

No, I loved it, but now I think I managed to screw it up before it could even get started.

I was immediately hit with the guilt of kissing him after the fact and now I'm hiding away in the safety of my room after I left him.

Without telling him.

Without a warning.

And now I am beginning to regret it.

Fuck…

What the hell am I supposed to do?

I didn't show up for work today. I had called Jim earlier and told him I hadn't been feeling well and in return, he told me to take all the time I needed to get better. Unfortunately, it wasn't a sickness that plagued me.

It was Mal.

I knew if I showed up after running out on him, he'd bombard me the second I walked through the doors. The last thing I wanted was for him to cause a scene, especially in front of the whole team.

With my phone turned off, I anticipated for him to at least show up at Kate's place to demand answers from me. Even Kate was prepared for him, but when morning turned to late afternoon, my heart knew he wasn't coming.

For selfish reasons, I wanted him to burst through the doors and wrap his arms around me. Tell me everything would be okay and he understood why I left, but nothing with Mal was ever that easy.

His absence had given me everything I needed to know.

He was frustrated, confused, maybe even hurt.

And it was all my fault.

"Hey, can I come in for a second?" James asked from just beyond the door, causing my nerves to heighten immediately.

James never came knocking on my door and it could only mean one thing—Mal.

"Yeah, of course, come in."

Closing my computer screen, I watched as James made his way into the room with his hands shoved deep into his pockets.

"Hey, sorry to bug you like this." He took the spot by the dresser and leaned partially against it. "But I have a feeling you're the reason why Mal's refusing to leave the rink after practice."

I frowned.

"What do you mean he's refusing to leave?"

James sighed.

"He hasn't spoken a single word all day. Won't talk to anyone. Won't even look at anyone, and now he's running drills after practice like a fucking crazy person. I tried to get him to talk to me and to tell me what was going on, but he kept ignoring me."

My heart sank.

Had I really hurt him that badly?

I wanted to throw up at the thought of being the cause of it. Even James had suspected that I was the reason, which only made my stomach churn more.

"I don't know what happened between the two of you. It's none of my business, but whatever it is, it's fucking with his head, Wren. He may be an undeserving asshole most of the time, but when he's out there on the ice, he watches out for me, so off the ice, I gotta do the same for him."

Fuck.

I had no idea what to say to that. I wasn't just affecting Mal, I was affecting everyone else around him as well. What was meant to be nothing more than a task to bring him back, was now turning into something way too complex and complicated.

And by the way James watched me intently, I knew he had caught on.

"What's going on, Wren?" he asked with a sincerity in his tone that made me want to divulge everything. "Kate won't tell me much, but I know something is going on between you and Mal. Whether it be you formed some sort of friendship with him, relationship, I don't know…" He peered off into the distance on another exasperated sigh.

"What you two decide to do is your own business, but I just want to make sure you know what you're doing. You're my wife's best friend and I want you happy just as much as she does, but I don't want to see you get hurt," he confessed. "I don't want to see either of you get hurt."

"In all honesty, I don't even know what's going on between us. I never expected to feel any type of way toward Mal other than anger, but somewhere along the way, I…" I trailed off, struggling to find an ending to that sentence.

"I found a depth to Mal that I never thought was possible. That he isn't just the grumpy, pissed-off-at-the-world hockey player that everyone thinks he is. He's much more than that. He's sweet, unbelievably caring, so many things that I never thought were possible."

"I sense a but," James added, as my heart soon deflated.

"But… it won't work. He's Hayes's best friend. Everything about us is not meant to be, not to mention wrong." I felt a crumbling sensation in my chest as I admitted it to him, but I refused to let any tears fall. "You don't fall in love with your dead boyfriend's best friend."

He looked torn on what to say as his mouth opened and closed. Part of me was hoping that he would disagree with me. That he would tell me it was okay to be with Mal and see a life with him, but I anticipated the worst.

"Wren, who am I, or anyone else for that matter, to tell you who you can or can't fall in love with? For you to have even found a side to Mal that is something other than closed off tells me just how important you are to him. And I've never—I repeat, ever—seen him act like this before."

A small smile curled my lips, but I quickly dropped it.

"Seen him act like what? More angry now than ever because I forced myself back into his life?"

He shook his head sternly.

"So determined to be yours."

Something had caught in my throat as I tried to process his words. It took a second for them to sink in and when they finally did, I let out a long breath.

"He needs you right now, Wren. Despite what happens, you're the only one who can help."

My chest caved.

"Even if I'm the one who hurt him?"

"Especially if you're the one who hurt him." He shoved himself off the dresser. "You could do anything to that man, and you'd still do no wrong in his eyes."

I wanted to believe him, but I wasn't so sure.

"He needs me?" I asked, needing some more reassurance for my own selfish reasons. My heart began to flutter rapidly as I waited for the answer I had deep down already knew.

"He needs you, Wren. Now go, before he decides to fuck his shoulder up even more."

How would it look? To others who knew both Hayes and Mal? To Greg and Shelia?

I thought your whole reason for being here is to get him back home?

But in this way, I didn't seem to care.

All I heard was that he needed me. So, hopping off the bed and changing into some different clothes after James had walked out, I headed for the Orchids' stadium to face Mal.

To hopefully apologize and figure out what the hell was going on between the two of us once and for all.