29. Mal

29

MAL

W hy was she doing this?

Why was she trying to purposefully piss me off and evoke feelings inside of me I had no desire to fucking acknowledge?

Weren't we finally past all this anyway? I thought I'd finally gained her trust when she let me be here for her tonight, but now she was pushing.

Pushing for more.

Pushing for answers.

Still in between my legs, but now facing me, she acted like she was ready to go to war with me. Her pink hair freshly brushed and a red face to match her splotchy eyes. For a minute there, I thought I was helping her.

But just like mine, her emotions were becoming too overwhelming to figure out and something had pushed her over the edge.

"Why?" she shouted at me. "Why can't you just be honest with me? For once?"

My skin went red hot from her accusations. When it came to honesty, she had no fucking room to talk. She was just about, if not more prone to be hot and cold with me as I was her. Telling me that I needed her, then demanding she didn't want to see me. She was just as confused as I was and it pissed me off knowing she wouldn't acknowledge her own dishonesty.

"You're right, I haven't been honest with you." I made sure I had her full attention as I leaned in close to her. "How can I when every second I'm in your presence, you make me question everything?"

Her mouth started to quiver at my confession.

"One second I can barely find the strength to look at you, and the next, I need an emergency or cataclysmic event to happen to tear my eyes away from you." I sneered, but more so directing it at myself as everything I didn't want out in the open was now coming out anyway. "You wanted honesty, Doe? There it is."

I tore my eyes away from hers, afraid I might do something stupid if I kept watching her lip tremble and her eyes widen from my words. I was more than just pissed off, I was angry at myself for letting things get to this point.

"Ever since you've shown up here, you made everything confusing as hell for me."

I could feel her pulling away from me. Not just physically, but mentally. She slowly crawled out from between my legs and found a spot at the end of the bed where she peered off into the distance.

Contemplating what to do or say next.

A loud silence filled the air and for once in my life, I wished I could have taken back what I said. Guilt swarmed me in that moment and suddenly, I was brought back to why I was here.

Why this could never happen.

My chest throbbed from the pain of what felt like deception on my part.

She's not yours.

The sooner you accept it, the better.

"I'm sorry," she said in a muffled tone that had me straightening. Using the sleeve of her shirt, she wiped the spot beneath her eyes until she stole a glance over at me. "I don't know why I keep lashing out at you but I know you don't deserve it. At least, not today you don't, and I'm sorry for that."

I swallowed down the rock in my throat and picked up the hairbrush that I had set down beside me. I had no idea how to respond to that, nor could I process my emotions that came along with her apology.

It was a strange feeling, but it had without a doubt broken apart the shift in the air that surrounded us.

"Come here, Doe."

Once again, I patted the empty spot between my legs.

"I wasn't done with your hair yet."

Instead of hesitating like she had before, she crawled to me with zero fear in her eyes or any delay. It only took her a few seconds to get settled and I was back to combing her long hair again.

Gathering her hair in one hand, I carefully pulled it all back until every pink strand was cascading down her spine like a waterfall. I'd never seen anything so spellbinding in my life. Even the texture of her hair was unlike anything I'd ever felt before. It made me want to sink my fingers through every little strand and keep my hand there forever.

As I went to comb through the bottom of her hair, I heard a tiny whimper escape from her mouth. It scared me enough to stop.

"It hurts, Mal."

Immediately dropping the brush, I frowned.

"Shit, I'm sorry."

"No, not that." She half chuckled, half cried. "My heart hurts. I try my best to not let it get to me like it used to, but even after all this time, it still feels like yesterday when I lost him."

Fuck.

I felt like I had been bludgeoned with a sledgehammer to the heart.

"Eleven years later and I still can't get over him." She sobbed in front of me and I felt powerless. I didn't have the words that could soothe her. I didn't have the right arms that could hold her. "But I always end up telling myself that I need to cry. Because tears meant remembrance and I'm so afraid that if I stop, his presence will just fade away."

She turned her head to look at me, and her eyes were like a sucker punch to the gut. The raw intensity of them and their desperation for an answer from me. She was pleading for relief from this pain and I wished I could give her the answer.

I wished so fucking badly that I could…

So, instead, I slowly reached for her. Hesitant about where to grab her and whether she'd be okay with it or not, I took the chance and placed my palm along her hip. She instantly went frozen from my touch, but I didn't let up. With the slight tug of my hand on her waist, I wanted her closer. Leaning against me so I could hold her through her tears.

"Let me hold you tonight," I whispered the words I never thought I would ever say to her again. Once it was out in the open, though, I felt like I could breathe again. Especially when she scooted herself back until her hips were snug between the apex of my thighs.

A rush of air had fallen past my lips from the feel of her body pressed up against mine. She wasn't even fully against me yet and it already had my heart racing.

Her back was as stiff as a board and an unsure vibe filled the air around us as she sat even closer to me. I knew she wasn't going to be the first one to make a move, so once again, I found the courage to pull her toward me.

"Now lie back," I encouraged, taking the hand on her hip and placing it on a spot close to her neck where I gently yanked her back to my front. A soft gasp escaped from her the second she connected with my chest.

She was the perfect fit and then using my hand again, I navigated her head to the spot just below my collarbone and neck where she nestled into me.

I realized at that moment, I never wanted to move from this spot ever.

I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so comfortable and so at peace that if I closed my eyes, I knew I'd have the best sleep of my life. Even Wren had immediately snuggled into me as if we'd been doing this our whole lives.

I eventually removed my hand from her neck and wrapped both arms around her in a loose embrace. I wanted to pull her in closer, afraid that at any moment she would try to escape or come to realize that we shouldn't be doing this.

But I didn't think either of us cared at the moment.

And soon, her remarks earlier about Hayes's presence fading away came back to me.

It was as if all I needed was to have her in my arms, to finally have the answers or at least words for her.

"You're afraid if you have no more tears, you'll be letting him go?" I asked, causing her head to tilt and her eyes to peer up into mine.

She nodded and quickly looked away as more tears began to fill her eyes.

"Look at me, Doe," I demanded softly, causing her gaze to collide with mine. "You won't let that happen. Thirty years from now he'll still be with you even if you decide to move on, start a family, and continue to live your life." More tears began to fall from her eyes. "Crying isn't a measure of how much you loved and cared for someone. It doesn't mean you're letting them go if you one day stop." I detached my arms from around her, and brushed away the fallen tears that had fallen down her cheeks.

This time, she let me.

"Hayes knows you love him. He knows we all love him, and that will never stop."

She was looking at me differently now. Her eyes widened and sparkled with the remnants of her tears, but it was as if she was seeing me in a new light now. Like the revelation of finally seeing a new part of me had shocked her to her core.

With her back pressed firmly against my front, she slowly shifted herself to the side until she lightly placed her palm on my chest.

Specifically, my heart.

"Does your heart hurt? Like mine?"

More so now than ever.

"Every day," I replied.

She nodded and dropped her stare to my chest.

"Can I ask you one more thing?"

"Of course."

Slowly removing her hand, she slid her body back into position before resting her head back onto my chest.

"Why are you here?" she asked the same question again. This time, she wasn't on the verge of telling me to leave. Instead, she was in the comfort of my arms, where I felt as though she belonged.

Maybe she wanted a different answer of why I chose to come here today, or maybe she had run out of things to say. Whatever it was, I didn't care.

As long as I could stay like this a little longer.

"I didn't want you to be alone."

Never again.

"Did you want to be alone today?"

I pondered over her question. For so long, I used hockey as a scapegoat. Every year was the same—I used it as a distraction. Never letting myself feel too much or overthink because I knew once I was alone, I couldn't handle it.

But right now, at this moment, it was different than what I was used to. Having someone here with me.

Having Doe with me.

"I used to."

Her body shifted above mine.

"Not anymore," I admitted. Then for the rest of the day, we just laid together. Holding on to one another despite all the reasons we shouldn't. No more words were spoken, but they weren't needed.

Eventually, I heard the soft sounds of her snoring and instead of leaving, I pulled her blanket over us. It didn't take long before my eyes grew heavy but before I let myself fall asleep, I whispered the words I had always said on this day in hopes that he could hear me.

Another year down, Decker. I hope you're happy up there, I love you.