Chapter 14

F inn peeked into the bathroom. "Hey, girls."

"Daddy!" Betty exclaimed, jumping up and down, her blonde curls bouncing.

"Hey, you," he said, picking her up. "You're getting so big. Are you sure you're only two?" Betty giggled and he asked, "Is it bath time, sweet girl?"

"Daddy, you give me my bath and read my stories."

"Sure," he said, setting her down.

Ella turned the tub off, tested the water one last time, and rose.

"Hi, baby," Finn said, giving her a kiss. "How was your day?"

"It was great. We did a big finger-painting project. Betty really takes after you—planning things out, taking her time, trying to get her art just right. When she's thinking, her eyes get intense like yours too. She's so careful and methodical about selecting each color, and she likes to keep them separate. We may have a budding artist on our hands. Or a mathematician. You'll see her new artwork on the refrigerator."

"I can't wait to see them."

"We had fun, though we made quite a mess."

"Mommy cleaned up," Betty said.

"That's right," Ella replied, pulling off Betty's clothes. "Now it's time to clean you up."

"My turn," Finn insisted. He grazed Ella's arm. "I got this, go relax."

"Joyce roasted a chicken. Meet me at the table when you're done." She bent down and kissed Betty. "Be a good girl for Daddy and have sweet dreams. I'll see you in the morning."

Nearly an hour later, Finn found Ella in the dining room. She began fixing them each a plate of food. "Is she down?"

"Yeah," he replied, dropping a kiss in her hair before taking his seat. "I let her pick three books as always, but then she begged me for one more."

"Finn, if you do that, then . . ."

"I didn't. We just snuggled for a little while. She really loves the touch-and-feel animals book, which is a nice departure from the never-ending princess stories."

"She's so excited for our trip to the zoo tomorrow, and I promised we'd go to the pancake place first. It was funny, though—when I told her we were going to the zoo, she got confused," Ella said. "She thought that meant we were flying to Georgia. I tried to explain that we were just in Georgia for a couple of months while you were making a movie and that there are lots of different zoos in the world, but it went over her head. She had so much fun that day at the Atlanta Zoo."

Finn smiled. "All she wanted was the zebra, and ice cream of course."

"Yeah, I expect we'll be spending most of tomorrow looking at the zebras again. Maybe someday we can take her on a safari in Africa so she can see what they're like out in the wild, where they belong. I want her to know about nature and what the world really looks like."

"Speaking of which, she was telling me about all her body parts again during her bath," Finn said. "Apparently, you taught her a new word. After she found her legs, feet, and toes, she pointed and said, ‘gina.' Then she said, ‘My gina is mine,' which I guess was her way of saying it's private."

"I think it's important for her to understand her body. Using make-believe words never made sense to me, so I taught her the real word, but she's still learning how to say it, which is kind of cute. I didn't want to tell her not to touch it or shame her for exploring her own body, but I told her it's private and not for other people to touch. It's just hers."

"That's smart. You're such a good mother. Gotta admit, it caught me off guard and I think I stammered a bit. Given the fact that you're the most brilliant and provocative pleasure theorist of our time, I shouldn't have been surprised." She blushed and he continued, "Speaking of which, have you made any progress on your book?"

Ella shook her head. "Barely. Betty takes up most of my time these days. She's at a demanding age. I still manage to attend all of my philosophy club meetings, but I can only find little bits of time to write. Can't remember the last time I could really clear my head and get immersed in it."

"Sweetheart, why don't you use the sitter more?"

"Betty is learning so much every day. Her mind is like a sponge. I'm teaching her how to think, explore, imagine. This is developmental time we can never get back. The book will come."

Finn took her hand, lifted it to his lips, and kissed it. "Like I said, you're such a good mother. If you want more time to write, I can take some of the load off. I don't need to work so much. I'd be happy to be at home with you both."

"It's up to you, but if you're home more, I'd want the three of us to spend that time together," Ella replied. "Like those dreamy months after she was born, when we were all so cozy, just bonding as a little family. We'd go for those long walks, and you would put her in that carrier on your chest, stopping to kiss her head every few minutes. That was the sweetest."

"I wouldn't trade those six months at home for anything. A big part of why I took all that time off was so that you could write, but . . ."

"I was too exhausted. You remember how intense it was. We were up every few hours, and breastfeeding was a full-time job. Besides, I've always believed that the time we spend stewing on things is productive. The book will come. When the time is right, it will come."

"No pressure, but if you want to work more, just say the word and I'll do the stay-at-home-dad thing for as long as you like," Finn said.

"Like I said, I'd love for you to be home more, but I'd want to be with you both every second. There's nothing better. In fact . . ." She trailed off.

"What, baby?"

Ella looked straight into his eyes, took a breath, and said, "I just love our family so much. More than I ever knew was possible."

"Me too. I can't wait to spend tomorrow with my girls."

FINN PAID THE CASHIER AND PICKED up Betty, who was tugging on his jeans. "Did you like those silver dollar pancakes?"

"Yeah. Zoo! Zoo!" she said excitedly.

He smiled and they headed outside. Suddenly, there were two paparazzi snapping photos and screaming, "Finn! Out for a day with your family?"

Finn tried to ignore them, shielding Betty's face as they walked to their car, but the paparazzi persisted, following them and hollering. Betty started crying, leaning her head on his shoulder. "It's okay, sweetheart," he whispered. He strapped her into her car seat, the paparazzi just feet away, still frantically taking photos. He closed the door, turned to them, and said, "What the fuck is wrong with you? That's my kid!" He snapped a photo of their license plate and raced to the driver's side.

Ella was comforting Betty, who was now crying in earnest. She turned to Finn, whose hands were shaking, his face red. "Just drive," she told him.

"It's okay," Ella said softly, handing Betty her favorite stuffed horse. "Everything is okay now. Those people won't bother us again. We're gonna have so much fun today. What animals do you want to see?"

Betty's cries began to slow. She took a few quick breaths and calmed down. "Z . . . z . . . zebra."

"Yay!" Ella said. "We'll see the zebra first, then maybe we can see the giraffes and the elephants."

Betty smiled, gripping her stuffed toy.

"What other animals should we see?" Ella asked.

"Zebra."

Ella laughed. "How about the monkeys?"

"Monkeys and zebras," Betty said.

Ella turned to Finn and gently ran her hand down his arm. He looked at her through a glaze of sadness. "It's okay," she whispered.

When they arrived at the zoo, Finn parked the car and immediately realized they had been followed by the paparazzi. Several more were waiting for them. He turned to Ella and quietly said, "Holy shit. They must have called their friends."

"Maybe we should just go home," she said.

"No way. We promised her. We're not letting these assholes ruin our day. They won't be allowed inside. I'll get Betty and we'll hurry in."

"Finn, it could be more traumatic for her if . . ."

"I'll handle it," he insisted.

"Don't engage with them. It will only make it worse."

He nodded, got out of the car, and walked around to get Betty. "Come to Daddy, sweet girl," he said. The paparazzi started aggressively taking photographs, creating a cacophony of clicking. Finn put his hand on her cheek, trying to shield her face, but she exploded into tears. By the time they reached the ticket counter, Betty was having a complete tantrum, crying hysterically, unable to catch her breath, her head shaking. "It's okay, it's okay," Finn soothed, bouncing her up and down, rubbing her head. Her sobs only worsened. "We can get ice cream," he suggested, but she was totally hysterical, screaming and flailing her arms, her face a blotchy mess.

Ella put her hand on his bicep. "Finn, let's take her home. Please, we need to go now."

With a look of rage on his face, he carried Betty back to the car, glaring at the heartless photo hounds. He strapped her into her car seat, and Ella slipped into the back seat beside her. They drove home, Betty sobbing hysterically the whole way. When they got to the house, Finn tried to take Betty out of the car, but she pulled away and screamed, "Mommy! Mommy!"

"It's okay. I've got her," Ella told him.

"Come here, little one," she said, picking Betty up. She completely collapsed on Ella's chest. "It's okay. It's okay. You can let it out. You'll feel better soon," Ella whispered, rubbing Betty's back as her cries slowed.

When they got inside, Ella said, "I'm going to try to put her down for a nap." Finn watched them disappear upstairs, his shoulders slumped, his heart broken.

Half an hour later, Ella wandered into the den with the baby monitor and found Finn lying on the couch, a cigarette in one hand, a framed photo in the other. "How is she?" he asked, stamping out his butt.

"Fine. She's finally sleeping," Ella replied, lying beside him.

"This is my favorite photograph," he said, looking wistfully at the photo of Ella breastfeeding Betty. "I'll never forget that moment. I was right here, you were sitting over there on that rug with Betty in your lap, and we were talking. She got fussy, so you pulled your tank top down on one side and she latched onto you. It was so beautiful, effortless. I just had to capture it. I love how you can only see your spectacular mane of curls that are covering your face, and Betty's eyes looking at the camera, her mouth on you, and the shape of your perfect breast with that sweet little beauty mark above it." He stopped to shake his head. "You just went right on having a conversation with me, but I could hardly hear a word. I was so overcome with love, watching my beautiful family."

"That's so sweet."

He put the frame down and draped his arm over her. "When I look at that photo and compare it in my mind with the times you've been exploited because of me . . ."

"Finn, that's ridiculous."

"Don't you remember the yacht? I couldn't believe the paparazzi got those long-lens photos of you sunbathing topless. They have no shame."

She shrugged. "At the end of the day, I didn't care. I was sunbathing with my husband. Besides, I'm not ashamed of my body."

"You have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen, but to see you objectified in that way, without your consent," Finn said, shaking his head. "I'm to blame. This is all my fault."

"Finn . . ."

"And that time when Betty was only a few months old and they somehow got photos of us on that park bench when you were breastfeeding. Watching you nurture our child is the most tender thing I've ever seen. To see it exploited . . ."

"That was gross and it upset me too, but again, who really cares? Her face was blurred in the magazines. Sure, there have been a few unpleasant incidents over the years, but that's it. It isn't our daily life."

"Ella, I'm so sorry about today," he said, hanging his head.

"You have nothing to apologize for."

"It's my fault."

"Don't be absurd," Ella replied. "Those paparazzi are scum; today was on them. They should have been arrested. There are laws against tormenting children like that."

"I called my lawyer while you were putting Betty down. The photos will never see the light of day. They'll be hit with a restraining order, probably some hefty fines. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't undo anything or reduce the likelihood of this happening again." He stopped to shake his head. "It's all my fault."

"Finn, that's ridiculous."

"They were harassing us because of me," he said. "Betty knew it. She wouldn't even let me take her out of the car. She only wanted you."

"Sometimes she only wants you. It doesn't mean anything. By the time she wakes up, she'll probably be begging for her daddy again."

"The way she was crying, screaming, her whole body violently shaking—she could hardly catch her breath. I felt her pain, her sense of violation, in the deepest part of my soul. It gutted me."

"Kids her age have tantrums for all kinds of reasons," Ella said. "Don't you remember last month? She had a complete meltdown leaving that birthday party. She was inconsolable."

Finn let out a puff. "You were amazing, like always. The screaming was getting to me, but you never lost your patience. The way you validated how she was feeling, told her it's hard when fun things end and that it's okay to be upset, told her to let it out, all while you cradled her shaking body. God, you're such a good mother."

She smiled. "My point is that kids her age lose it some- times."

"Maybe, but what happened today was because of me. I brought this shit into her life and yours. She never signed up for it. Your mother was right."

"What are you talking about?"

"The first time I met her, she called me out for how I proposed. Regardless of my intentions, it was a spectacle. I created an insatiable public interest in our private life. This fucking circus." He shook his head. "Even if I hadn't proposed publicly, this kind of thing happens when you're famous. That's on me. Ella, I was irresponsible. When I chose this line of work, I never thought about what fame might mean if I ever had a family, how people would violate our privacy as if we aren't even human, how that would impact my wife, my kids."

"Finn, look at me." He raised his gaze to meet hers. "Today was an aberration. We usually don't have these kinds of problems."

"Watching the people you love the most get hurt because of your choices . . ."

"You can only live your life; you can't control anything else. What happened today wasn't your fault."

"I couldn't protect her."

"That's not true," Ella protested. "You did the best you could under the circumstances. And I have news for you: this won't be the last time you feel that way. No parent can protect their child from everything. Someday it will be a scraped knee, or a bully on the playground, or her first love will break her heart. We'll stand by helplessly, just trying to comfort her until she recovers."

He inhaled deeply. "Maybe, but I can do something about this kind of thing. I've made a decision. I'm quitting acting."

"Finn . . ."

"Hear me out. This has been in the back of my mind since those breastfeeding photos were splashed across the covers of those rags. I've been acting professionally since I was a teenager, and I've had more success than I ever imagined. It's been a great run. I'll quit, we'll leave LA, and we'll slip under the radar. Some celebrities move to places like Montana. I've heard it's beautiful up there. We could do that."

"Oh, Finn," she said, running her thumb against his temple. "Being an artist isn't something you can just stop. You can't disavow who you are. You're an actor, a deeply talented and gifted one at that. Most importantly, you love your work. You can't give up such a big part of who you are for—"

"Yes, I can. For you, for Betty. To give her a shot at a normal life. I love you both more than anything. I'll do whatever it takes. Family first. Today was unbearable. I never want to see her that way again."

Ella planted a delicate kiss on his lips. "You're understandably upset over what happened. It's still so fresh and raw. Trust me, Betty will be fine. The best thing you can do for her is to continue to be a role model. Let her see you living your best life, doing what you love with everything you have, and loving her with all your heart. Let love be your guide, not fear." She gave him another gentle kiss. "We made a pact. I won't allow you to lose yourself. I love you too much." He smiled and ran his finger along her hairline. She continued, "Besides, what is a normal life, anyway? Let's give her an extraordinary life."

"I love you so much," he said, pressing his mouth to hers.

"I love you too, more than I can say. Finn, you're a magnificent father. Our babies are so lucky to have you."

He furrowed his brow. "Babies?"

She smiled as tears welled in her eyes. "I found out yesterday. I was going to tell you at the zoo. I had this vision of sharing the news while we were getting ice cream. We're having another baby. I'm pregnant."

"Oh, sweetheart," Finn said, his eyes flooding. He kissed her softly and rested his forehead against hers. "I'm so happy, I don't even have the words."

"It must have happened when we started trying in Georgia. We got lucky and conceived quickly again."

"Like I've said for years, we were made to make babies together," he said.

She pulled back and looked deeply into his eyes. "There's no one else in the world I'd want to do this with. You're the most incredible man and the best father our children could ever have. Please be you, full fucking throttle."

He laughed and kissed the tip of her nose. "Let's just lie here like this, holding each other, feeling every bit of this moment."