Chapter Twenty-Four

Ash

W hat is that incessant pounding in my head? Make it stop. I slowly open one eye, but it feels incomplete without its partner, so I reluctantly open the other one. I freeze, feeling the rhythmic movement beneath me. The firm body I'm lying on has a manly scent, and the part of the shirt I can see is green. I find myself in a conflicting situation, somewhere between heaven and hell. I'm in heaven right now because I know for a fact that it's Gage's chest I'm lying on, and I want to pretend I'm still asleep and lie here all day. But, at the same time, it feels like hell as I've woken up with drool coming out of my mouth and memories of last night flooding back to me. Did I really ask to kiss him? Oh god. I'm never drinking again.

I have two options: either brush it off and pretend it didn't happen, or confront my embarrassment head-on. For the love of divine intervention, someone help a brother out because I don't want to do either of them.

A soft knock on my bedroom door pulls me from my current predicament. If Gage was asleep, he isn't now. I hear my name being called, "Ash?" As my door opens, I twist my head toward the familiar voice. Jace is standing there frozen, his eyes wide with shock, like he's just seen a ghost.

A whirlwind of emotions flashes across his face before settling on an unmistakable expression of anger.

"What the fuck are you doing in bed with him?" The anger in his words seeps into my skin, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.

"It's not what you think," I mumble, fighting to free myself from the tangled covers and rise from the bed.

The moment he realizes I'm only wearing my boxers, he abruptly storms out of the room, leaving me feeling embarrassed. It definitely didn't look good for me to wake up next to Gage, barely clothed, especially considering Jace thought I was straight. I rummage through my drawer and hastily slip on a pair of joggers and a T-shirt.

"Ash?" I turn to Gage, who looks at me all sleep-ruffled. "Perhaps it's best if you give him some time to calm down," he rasps.

"I can't. He's my best friend. I need to talk to him." I rush into the living room and find Jace heading to the door.

"Please wait, Jace," I call after him, my heart beating in panic.

He comes to a halt, but his shoulders continue to rise and fall as he breathes heavily.

"Why him?" he whispers, barely audible. For a moment, his posture is one of defeat, and confusion courses through me.

"What? Jace, look at me, please."

He turns to me, his face contorted with anger, his fists clenched tightly as he repeats his question through gritted teeth. "I said... why him?"

"Why not him?" I counter.

"You're straight." He looks hurt, and I can understand why. He thinks that I've lied to him all along. Of course. He can't know that this is all new to me, too. That it hit me out of nowhere, too. That it's only ever Gage that's made me feel this way. This kind of attraction toward a guy. I feel the need to defend myself rising in me.

"I've been trying to tell you, but you don't pick up my calls anymore. I tried to talk to you last night, but you seemed so... angry. But yes," I state. "I think... No, I am bisexual, and I have feelings for Gage."

Some little part of me holds on to the hope that my best friend would be happy for me, but his sharp intake of breath tells a different story. We've always been happy for each other, celebrating the few wins and successes we've had growing up, but it doesn't look like Jace will share my happiness this time.

"You've got to be kidding me right now," he spits, eyes cold.

"I'm not." I try to keep my voice as steady as possible.

"I knew I sensed something last night; all this time, you hid it from me. So much for being best friends."

"Please, don't be like that, Jace. I wanted to tell you." I reach out my hand toward him, but he automatically takes a step back, like he can't stand me touching him. A shadow moves across his face as he continues,

"So, you just abandon Perry, abandon me, for a town that's supposedly better than your own home, and now you suddenly develop an interest in guys? What the hell, Ash?" He tugs on his hair. "It's this town," he says, his voice increasing in volume. "It's changed you into someone you're not. You're straight, always have been. And now... this asshole has convinced you that you're bi. Is that it?"

Now I'm getting angry. I can't believe he has the audacity to suggest that me figuring out who I am has anything to do with this town. Like I've been brainwashed by a cult or something. A town that's been nothing but nice and welcoming to me from the very first day. And don't even start by bringing Gage into this. Like he's some groomer or something.

"Heaven forbid, I should be anything but the norm, right, Jace? And you know I had no choice but to leave. I can't believe you would even throw that at me. That's a low blow. And as for Gage, don't you dare bring him into this. He's done nothing inappropriate."

Even Jace looks a bit sheepish, knowing he's crossed a line.

"Hope has taught me that real people live their truth. That you don't have to put up with being mistreated by people you love. The people here look after each other. It's a place where your value is acknowledged. This new freedom has allowed me to explore aspects of my identity, including the realization that I am bisexual. You would've known all of this if you'd picked up your fucking phone." I'm vibrating with indignation, tears pressing behind my eyes.

"Well, we all have things going on, Ash. The world doesn't revolve around just you, you know?" he throws back at me, that coldness lingering in his eyes, now seeping into his voice too.

"I never said it did, but again, if you'd just tell me what's going on with you, then maybe I could help you. But you've been shutting me out, Jace."

He's pacing back and forth in front of me, his face tense with an internal struggle he's keeping from me. His restless footsteps come to a sudden halt as he shifts his attention toward me.

"Out of all the people you could've liked, you ended up liking him. He's fucking old." He sounds more sad than anything now and I wonder what the source of that sadness is. Again, it's like I don't know my best friend anymore. I wonder if I ever truly did.

"What the fuck has age got to do with anything? Besides, he's not old. I thought you'd be happy for me," I croak.

"Happy? I should be happy you're now into guys who'll collect retirement soon. Is that what this is about? He's got money. A bar. Does he pay your bills now? Make you feel special? Your old man bailed, so you got yourself a new one," he says, his voice dripping with contempt.

His words leave me in shock. I feel like I've been slapped in the face. How has the Jace I knew changed so drastically? Where's the kind-hearted boy who would order extra food for me and offer me his clothes when I had none? Where's the boy who would sit with me for hours tending to my wounds after Rich hit me?

Did I do this to him? He knows I had no choice except to leave, but somehow, I know that this has nothing to do with me leaving and everything to do with what I've just shared with him. And that recognition hurts. More than anything. More than Rich's punches and Mom's neglect. Because I never in a million years saw this coming. Not from him.

"Who are you?" I ask.

"To you?" he laughs bitterly. "I'm no one, apparently."

"Don't say that." I take a step forward, pleading with him. "You're my closest friend, Jace. Can we please sit and discuss this?"

"Nah, I'm done talking. I'll leave you with Grandpa. He can deal with your sorry ass now." He looks down his nose at me. "You're selfish, just like your mom. You ain't nothing ."

Once again, the sharp pain in my chest resurfaces. Did he actually use the exact words Rich used on me?

My mom shattered me, and now Jace has come along to add the final blow, completely ruining what little was left of my broken heart.

Turning away, he slams the door on his way out.

"Ash," Gage says quietly from behind me.

Do not break. Do not cry.

I hear his footsteps approaching. I wonder how much of our conversation he overheard. My heart is heavy with humiliation, hurt, and brokenness, rendering me incapable of looking him in the eye. I quickly turn and retreat from him, making my way to my room. I close the door and collapse onto my bed, seeking solace under the covers that still carry his scent before I let my tears flow freely.

The sound of a gentle knock on the door reaches my ears, followed by Gage's distant voice calling me. After a few minutes, I guess he walks away because the knocking stops. Overwhelmed by my emotions, I sob until I fall asleep.

When I wake up, soft, lingering daylight bathes the room and my phone tells me it's already 5:38 p.m. I crashed for the whole day. I can tell that Gage has been in the room because there's a bottle of water and some Tylenol next to my phone. I sit myself upright, swallow the pills, and drink the entire bottle of water. Looking around, I notice his clothes from last night have disappeared as well. I can't explain why that hurts so much, but it does. It feels like more rejection.

Within just 12 hours, I've experienced the joy of wanting to date someone and then the heartbreak of losing my best friend, and perhaps Gage, too. Some of what Jace said is true. I am selfish. I regret leaving him in Perry. I should've stayed until we could've left together. I could've endured the abuse until I'd saved enough money to move out, possibly with Jace. I left behind the people I loved and now I'm paying for it because now I have no one.

I can't face Gage today, so I distract myself by checking my phone. I see a flood of messages, mostly wishing me a happy birthday. Among them, I find a message from Davey and one from Mr. Ford, my music teacher. Mr. Ford also includes a list of new songs for me to look up. There are some from Jim that I missed, telling me he was on his way and excited to see me. I dab at my tears, thinking about how pumped I was to see him.

Another message pops up on my phone, this time from an unknown number. It simply reads "Happy Birthday!" My mind instantly goes to Mom. She might've used a friend's phone from work. I reply with a simple thank you. The dots bubble up and then vanish.

My hopes rise, but so does the nagging doubt that it might not be her, making me feel stupid for even considering the possibility. Then I remember what she said and what Jace said, and my walls come crashing down again. I hide back under my covers, clutching them tightly, desperately wishing that when I wake up, it will all be nothing but a bad dream.