Chapter Nineteen

It had to be a good sign that Lucas was willing to talk. The earlier anger in his eyes had disappeared, replaced by caution. Perhaps he'd be willing to listen after all. "I have to go home and walk Sasha. Want to come with me?"

"Yeah," said Lucas. "I kind of miss that mutt."

Jordan leaned over and kissed Esther's soft cheek. "I promise to come see you soon."

"Dear boy." She placed her little hand on his and, to his surprise, stood up and led him away from the group. "Talk to me. You're so hurt, and your eyes are so sad. Please, you need to make this right with Lucas. Finding love one time in this life is a joy. Finding it twice is a gift not many are given."

Stunned into silence, Jordan gaped at Esther. Love? He didn't love Lucas.

Did he?

"Yes, I said it." Esther's sweet smile broadened. "It isn't ever going to be the same as before. But it shouldn't be. Lucas isn't Keith. But he gives you strength and courage in a different way, I can see. And you, my dear, give him something he never had."

"What?" Jordan honestly didn't think he had anything to offer. Not any longer.

"A home. A sense of belonging to a person and a place. That young man has been searching all his life for someone to hold on to." With surprising strength, she squeezed his hand. "I think you're the one he needs."

"I never planned for any of this to happen."

A chuckle escaped Esther. "Oh, silly boy. Didn't I ever tell you my own mother's favorite saying? ‘Man plans and God laughs.' When it comes to matters of the heart, we have little control. I've known you since you were a little boy and watched you grow up to be a man anyone would be proud to call a friend. You've never been afraid to stand up for yourself."

"But I deceived him. I lied to all of you." Admitting it in front of Esther might have been his lowest point yet. "I'm so ashamed."

"Shame is hard but humbling. Now that you've said it, you must move forward or it will consume you. Do you think we're all perfect?" In a louder voice, she pointed at his friends sitting at the table, who'd made no attempt to hide the fact that they were listening to their conversation. "I defy anyone here to state that they've never done anything they regret or are ashamed of." Esther searched the faces of everyone present. No one dared to contradict her. "Of course not." She faced Jordan once again. "You've been lucky that the strength of your personality and your friendships has allowed you to remain unscathed. Now you must delve deep inside yourself for your own pocket of strength. Find the courage you have within you."

Mindful of her delicate bones, Jordan gathered Esther to his chest. "I love you. You know that, right?"

She smiled though her eyes were shiny with wetness. "I do. And I've always been proud of you—from the first time we marched together in the Gay Pride Parade to right now. Go make it right."

Jordan gave her one last hug, then returned to Lucas. "Ready to go?" He waved good-bye to his friends and gave Esther a kiss on her cheek.

He nodded, and they took off. The Center was located only a few blocks from Jordan's brownstone, and he could hear Sasha barking as he ran up the stairs.

"Quiet, girl. I brought you back your friend." He opened the door and held it for Lucas. "I think she missed you." He laughed as the dog hurtled past him to jump on Lucas, whining and licking him, her stubby tail wagging at a furious rate.

Lucas went on his knees in the hallway, his face receiving a thorough tongue washing from Sasha. He brushed the curls out of his eyes and laughed. A wave of desire swept over Jordan and Lucas glanced up, his hazel eyes mirroring the same raw need.

Jordan dropped next to him. "I'm sorry I lied. I-I was so humiliated." He extended his fingers as if to feel Lucas's face, but hesitated and curled them toward his palm instead, not knowing if his touch would be welcomed. "I still am. I never meant to deceive you. That wasn't why I kept it from you. You have to believe me."

To his shock, Lucas grabbed his hand and held on tight. "I know. Now, I know that. And I'm sorry too. I've spent my life running away from everything instead of facing up to the things that hurt me. I should've stayed to help you. You needed me, and I let you down. You don't leave a person when they're hurting or in pain." Lucas entwined their fingers, and Jordan watched in wonder as Lucas kissed their tips with a tenderness he'd never shown before. "You're not supposed to leave the one you love alone to face their demons."

Jordan froze. "What?" Sasha had finally wandered away, the tags on her collar jingling, mixing in with the screams of laughter from the children playing some game on the sidewalk. Every sound echoed loud in Jordan's ears, committing this time and place to memory. Beams of hazy late-afternoon sun filtered through the sheer curtains on the glass-front doors, burnishing Lucas's chestnut curls into a gilded halo. Jordan gaped at him, transfixed.

"I knew you'd make me repeat it. You want to hear me say it over and over, don't you, Prep School?" A lazy grin spread over Lucas's handsome face, lighting up his usually somber expression. "I'm happy to, but first I have to do something."

"What?" Jordan held his breath. In this day of firsts, he had no idea what Lucas had in mind.

"This." And Lucas brought his mouth down on Jordan's in a gentle kiss as he cupped the back of Jordan's neck. Steadying Jordan. Grounding him. The sweet taste of Lucas's mouth, warm and cinnamony, sparked life into Jordan's blood, resting dormant in his veins since Lucas walked away. Heat spiraled through Jordan as he clutched Lucas's leather jacket, pulling him close, forcing the press of their lips harder against each other. God, how he'd missed this man. And that cage he'd locked himself in sprang open, freeing him finally, from the remnants of the past. Jordan's mind spun in wild circles as Lucas ended the kiss but kept his hand on Jordan's neck, massaging him with those marvelously talented fingers.

Jordan's breath caught in his throat as Lucas's beautiful hazel eyes fixed on him. An uncertain grin flickered over Lucas's lips. "I love you, Jordan. I've never said those words before. It took the thought of losing you for me to realize what an idiot I've been. I know I hurt you and you still love Keith, but is there a chance for us?"

Jordan's heart squeezed at the flash of vulnerability in Lucas's eyes. "You're right; you are an idiot. The chance is gone. It set sail a while ago."

Lucas's shoulders slumped. "Oh."

That toneless, defeated voice broke Jordan. He couldn't tease Lucas any longer. "There's nothing to take a chance on because I love you too. I love you so much it makes my heart hurt. And while you're right in thinking I still love Keith, and a part of me always will, it takes nothing away from the love I have for you." He kissed Lucas's soft mouth. "I'm so in love with you I can't see straight anymore. I wake up in the morning wondering how I got so lucky to have a man like you in my life. When I realized I'd pushed you out of the door because of my cowardice and lies, I thought I'd go crazy."

"You didn't lose me forever; we lost the way back to each other for a while." Lucas traced Jordan's cheekbone with the pad of his thumb. "I wasn't planning on giving up on you so easily if you said no. You're worth fighting for."

Jordan rubbed his cheek against Lucas's hand, reveling in his touch. "I like a man who takes what he wants. It's the way I've always lived my life. I don't believe in holding back."

Their gazes locked, and Jordan was about to suggest they go upstairs to bed when Sasha came bounding into the room, dragging her leash. She jumped on the two of them, breaking the intensity of the moment. It didn't matter, though. Tonight they'd start rebuilding the tenuous bonds of their fragile relationship. No matter what, Jordan was done with the lies and hiding his flaws.

"I actually do need to walk her. Why don't we both go, and we can pick up some things for dinner on the way back." Jordan took the leash out of Sasha's mouth and stroked her smooth, silky ears. What a comfort she'd been to him in the months since he'd found her. With Keith's death and the dream of a child gone, for the moment at least, she'd become the outlet he needed to lavish his affection on. "I'll cook for you, make you something special."

"A celebration, huh?" Lucas got to his feet, a smile lightening his once all-too-serious expression.

Jordan's wish was to keep him looking like this always. Light, happy, and unfettered by the darkness that plagued him from his childhood. "Of a sort. We have a lot to discuss. I'm going into treatment starting Monday, and I'm going to need your help."

They walked out of the house together, Jordan holding on to Sasha's leash as they began meandering down the block with no specific destination. Sasha was of a mind to sniff each leaf and branch, so it promised to be a long walk. After about half an hour, they found a coffee shop with an outside seating area, so they ordered lattes and sat at a table with enough space for Sasha. The waitress was kind enough to bring a bowl of cold water for the dog and then disappear. No other patrons sat near them, and Jordan decided this was as good a time as any to tell Lucas about what he planned to do.

After sipping his latte, Jordan took Lucas's hand. He ran his fingers over Lucas's knuckles, took a deep breath, and began. "Like I said, I'm going in for treatment starting Monday. It's very quick and intense. I'm sure I'm going to go through some severe withdrawal, but I feel this is the best thing for me."

Lucas remained silent, studying their clasped hands, and Jordan grew nervous. "It's too much for you to handle, right? It's fine." Jordan pulled his hand away and picked up his coffee. He couldn't blame Lucas. Why would Lucas want to get involved with someone with a problem like Jordan's? His vision wavered as the frantic beating of his heart and racing pulse made it hard to catch his breath. "I'm seeing a psychiatrist anyway who has already said he's willing to help me and stay with me while I detox."

"Was that the guy I saw you holding hands with today?" Lucas growled. "That's Tash, my secretary's brother, right?"

Warmth rekindled within Jordan as he recognized the possessive need simmering in Lucas's voice. "He's very nice. Kind, considerate, and I know he's dedicated to seeing me through this. It's imperative I have someone with me at all times when I go through the treatment, and he's volunteered."

"The fuck you say, Prep School. If anyone is going to be staying with you, it's me. I'm the one who knows you." Lucas grabbed Jordan by the elbows and yanked him so their lips were mere inches from each other. "I'm the one who loves you. You're fucking mine, and I take care of what's mine." He crushed his lips over Jordan's, and they kissed—hot, wet, and raw, right there on Ninth Avenue.

The sounds of the passing traffic and pedestrian footsteps faded into the background as Jordan fell into the kiss, letting Lucas take control. He'd never shied away from public affection before, but that didn't mean he needed to put on a display for anyone. But that was before Lucas had barreled into his life, taking control of his heart. "Lucas," he gasped, trying hard to catch his breath. "Let's go home. Now."

Lucas sat across from him, eyes heavy-lidded with his rising passion, lips gleaming wet. "I want you inside me."

It would be a first between them, and Jordan stared at Lucas in disbelief. "What are you saying? You've never—"

Lucas's fingers tightened on his. "It makes sense to me. It could only be you. I want you in every way possible."

Could he have gotten any luckier? Out of the hellfire that had been his life this past year, he'd discovered he was stronger than he'd imagined and more resilient. Most important, he'd found love amid the ashes of his heart.

Jordan stood, and Sasha jumped up, eyes bright, ready to be on her way. "Let's go home. We have all night." He took Lucas's hand in his. "There's no need to rush."

They walked down Ninth Avenue and stopped at the supermarket; Lucas waited outside with Sasha while Jordan picked up everything he needed for dinner. It was twilight by the time they headed back to Jordan's town house, the dark lavender-lit sky a brilliant backdrop to the building lights beginning to wink on throughout the city. His street remained relatively dim, as it consisted mostly of town homes and low-rise buildings, and the streetlamps had yet to come on for the evening. He'd almost forgotten the simple pleasure of walking hand in hand through the city streets, and once again Jordan marveled at how lonely and lost he'd been when he woke up only this morning, and now, at the setting of the sun, his life couldn't be more satisfying and complete. He slanted a glance at Lucas and caught his eye.

"What?" Lucas smirked.

Jordan kissed the corner of his mouth. "Nothing."

"That didn't feel like nothing." Lucas slung his arm across Jordan's shoulders. "I have to say, Prep School, you surprised me." They continued walking, Lucas's arm tight around him—a perfect fit.

"I did? How?"

Lucas's hand massaged his shoulder, continuing down his arm. Even through his jacket, Jordan sensed Lucas's touch, strong yet gentle. It was one of the things he loved most about Lucas. To everyone else he presented a tough, brooding man, but when they were together, his main concern was Jordan.

"I didn't think you'd keep up with the gym, but you've done better than I imagined."

"Oh yeah?" Jordan leaned in to whisper in Lucas's ear and heard the hitch in his breath. "If you're good, maybe I'll let you do a more thorough examination after dinner."

Lucas had no response except to tighten his arm around Jordan's shoulder, but Jordan wasn't fooled. The dog pulled them here and there down the block, while they discussed what Jordan planned to make for dinner. A young man rose from a neighbor's stoop and approached them. Sasha growled in warning, pressing her body across both his and Lucas's path.

"What the hell?" Lucas's arm tightened around Jordan. With a sinking heart, Jordan recognized Johnny, his former dealer.

"It's okay, Lucas. I know who this is." No more lies, no subterfuge. "It's the guy I bought my pills from."

"Yeah, I'm his dealer. Whassa matter, Doc? Too fancy to call it what it really is?" Johnny sneered at Jordan, his pale, sharp-featured face twitching, dark eyes darting side to side.

"Call yourself what you want, Johnny. I told you before, I'm not buying what you're selling anymore." Jordan put a restraining hand on Lucas's shoulder. "Don't engage him. It's not worth it."

"Yeah, tell pretty boy here I ain't gonna touch you. I ain't no queer." Johnny's thin lips curled in obvious disgust. "But my boss don't like that community center, and he don't like you hanging around with no cops. He knows what you're up to, and you better not be plannin' on setting me up or nothing."

"Listen you little punk—" Lucas took a step forward, and Sasha began to bark in earnest, but Jordan held on to his arm, holding him back.

"It's all right. Let him have his say, and then he can go." Jordan had no intention of ever speaking with this kid again. He'd hoped after the last time that Johnny would simply disappear. "I told you before, I don't need what you're selling any longer."

Johnny gave him a hard stare, then brushed his hair out of his eyes. "Make sure you keep your mouth shut, and don't talk to the cops." He turned on his heel and ran down the block.

Sasha let out gruff, growling barks at his receding back, and Jordan expelled a loud breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding. Lucas remained silent by his side, but Jordan knew he'd want to discuss what had happened. He had every right to know. "We can talk, but let's go inside first, okay?"

Lucas nodded, and they walked the short distance to Jordan's front entrance. Sasha bolted inside as soon as the front door opened and headed straight for the kitchen and her dish of dry food, while Jordan hefted the grocery bags up on the wide countertop. "Do you want a drink? There's beer in the fridge or wine on the side table. Stronger stuff is in the living room."

"I remember, darlin'." Lucas opened the refrigerator and took out a bottle of beer. "Want one?" He wiggled the bottle at Jordan.

A shiver rippled through him. Damn, he loved that sexy little drawl that came out only when Lucas was truly relaxed. "No, thanks. I'm going to have some red wine."

"I'll pour it for you."

Jordan began preparing their dinner of steaks, baked potatoes, and roasted broccoli, but became distracted by the sight of Lucas opening the wine. The muscles in his back and shoulders flexed under his shirtsleeves as Lucas pulled the cork out of the bottle, and Jordan envisioned Lucas lying underneath him in bed, naked, spread out, and open to him. His breathing quickened.

"Jordan, Jordan ." Lucas stood in front of him, holding a glass of red wine, a smirk on his handsome face. "What the hell were you thinking that had you so far away, hmm?"

Jordan took the glass out of Lucas's hand and kissed him. "You'll have to wait and find out, now won't you?" He sipped his wine and returned to preparing dinner. They chatted about inconsequential things as the food cooked. Lucas set the table, and as they sat down to eat, it struck Jordan how comfortable the two of them were together in this house. How definite and real. Waiting for the throb of pain that usually accompanied his thoughts of Keith, it didn't come. Loving Lucas didn't mean forgetting Keith and all they'd shared. The last obstacle that had trapped his heart had been hurdled, and Jordan blinked back tears. The choking fog of despair lifted, bringing fresh white light into his soul once again.

Setting him free.

"You're thinking of him, aren't you?" Lucas put down his knife and fork. "It's okay. I understand."

No, he didn't, and Jordan knew he had to make Lucas understand once and for all. "It's not with regret. It's with a sense of joy, and a little bit of fear as well."

"Why fear? What are you afraid of?"

Jordan picked up his wineglass and stared into its ruby depths. "Of a happiness that might get snatched away again. Of seeing all the beauty life has to offer, and knowing I'd be missing out if I kept myself shut away." Jordan took a deep breath, then exhaled and spoke from the heart. "Of loving you so much and having you always wonder if I'll ever love you enough."

This kind of talk required him to be touching Lucas, to show him how deep the emotional connection between the two of them really went. Jordan placed his wineglass back on the table. He moved over next to Lucas and slipped his arms around Lucas's neck to hug him close. "I don't want you to live with doubts, wondering if I really want you. You're not a stand-in for Keith, nor am I comparing the two of you."

The pounding of Lucas's heartbeat filled Jordan. "I love you, Lucas. I love you for who you are and who you've made me."

"I didn't change you. I don't want to." Lucas took Jordan's face between his hands. "I said to myself the first time I met you, you'd be trouble for me. Your pride and your damned spirit turned me on like nothing else ever had before."

Jordan grinned. "And here I thought it was my good looks."

Lucas remained serious. "Darlin', you looked like shit that day. I knew I was seeing a man who'd been through hell and back, and I couldn't relate. But I've never loved anyone before and your behavior seemed totally foreign to me."

Jordan knew Lucas could never be happy again unless he faced up to his feelings about Ash. It was high time he did. "That's not true; you have loved before. And I know you're going to get angry with me, but you still do love him." Jordan refused to look away from Lucas's face, even as it tightened in anger.

"Stop it. I'm not going to talk to him. Ash and I have nothing to say to each other." Lucas pulled away from him and emptied his plate into the wastebasket, then placed it in the dishwasher. "Are you done with your dinner?"

Jordan nodded, watching as Lucas did the same with his plate. He wasn't willing to let the topic go, however. "You're lying to yourself. You know it, and I know it as well."

"Stop it, Jordan." Lucas banged his hands on the tabletop, and Sasha, lying in the corner, picked up her head and whined. "That topic is closed. It's not up for discussion."

"If you didn't claim you hated him so much, I wouldn't care. But the pain and hurt in your voice rips my heart out." Jordan put a hand on Lucas's shoulder, but he drew away. Still, Jordan persisted. "The opposite of love isn't hate, Lucas. The opposite of love is not giving a damn at all. You give a damn. You care so much you won't be able to live a normal life until the two of you sit across a table and hash it all out. I don't know what happened all those years ago. But whatever it is, it's still killing you, eating away at your insides like a parasite, and you're fooling yourself into thinking you can get rid of it like yesterday's trash."

Continuing to glare at each other, neither spoke until the doorbell rang, setting Sasha racing to the front door, barking her head off. Jordan shook his head in despair and went to answer it.

"Jerry, hey, come on in." Jordan held the door wide open. "Sash, quiet down."

The detective stepped into the foyer. "Sorry to interrupt your evening, but I wanted to discuss something with you if you have the time." Jerry's gaze focused behind Jordan's shoulder, and he knew Lucas had come into view. "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. Hello, Luke."

The two men shook hands. "You didn't interrupt anything. We're finished with dinner, and I was about to make some coffee. Want some?"

Jerry nodded, and they all walked into the kitchen. Jordan busied himself with the coffeemaker, while Luke and Jerry discussed the stock market and what the next tech trend was going to be. After they all settled in at the table, Jerry took a sip of his coffee, then spoke.

"Jordan, what can you tell me about that kid you had the confrontation with the night of the community center opening?"

Surprised, Jordan glared at Jerry. "Are you planning on charging me? I don't understand."

Lucas, obviously still pissed off at him for their earlier confrontation, lashed out at him. "Jesus, you're rude. I'm sure Jerry is asking for a reason."

Realizing he was out of line, Jordan apologized. "That was uncalled for on my part. What do you need to know?"

Jerry chuckled. "No need to apologize. I know you didn't mean anything by it." He flipped open the notebook he never went anywhere without and consulted some notes. "It seems that our sources have heard some chatter lately about dealers who've been getting angry with the development of community centers like yours, as well as neighborhood watches and tenant associations banding together to stop the drugs and guns."

Remembering Johnny on the street earlier and his warning, Jordan dismissed any concern. The kid was a small-time dealer, not part of a dangerous drug underground. "He's a teenager who probably got himself in too deep, as I see it. I've only dealt with him, and he never mentioned anyone else."

Lucas interjected at that point. "Wait a minute. We ran into him again tonight, right before we came home. Didn't he say you needed to watch yourself earlier? That his boss didn't like what you were doing with the community center?" He turned to Jerry. "Isn't that what you meant?"

Jerry nodded. "Exactly. That's a threat if I ever heard one. You have to watch yourself. I'm going to ask that a car drive by here every hour to make sure you're safe." For a moment he looked uncomfortable. "Uh, Luke, are you living here now? I'm assuming you two are a couple?"

Jordan grinned as Jerry's face turned red. "We are, but nothing's been decided on that front. Yet."

If Jerry had an opinion, he kept it to himself as he put away his pen and notebook. "I'm happy for you, Jordan, and I know Marie will be thrilled." He stood up and shook each of their hands. "You should both come to dinner soon. I know she'll want to meet you, Luke."

"I'm entering a detox program starting Monday, so I'll be tied up with that, but certainly after I settle everything, we'll come, right?" He raised a brow to Luke, who nodded back.

"I'm glad to hear that. It won't be easy but you're strong enough to beat it."

The unexpected praise warmed Jordan. Perhaps more people had faith in him than he initially thought.

They walked Jerry outside. The night air blew cool but not chilly, and Sasha came with them to sit on the stoop. "Remember, Jordan, don't take any risks and be careful."

Jordan patted the older man on his back. "Yes, I will, Dad. Now go home to your wife already." He watched Jerry walk away down the block, then asked Lucas, "You want to grab her leash? She should have one last walk before we settle in for the night."

"You still want me to stay?"

Surprised at the hesitancy in his voice, Jordan wrapped his hand around Lucas's arm and pulled him close. So close the delicious roughness of his stubble pressed prickly warm against Jordan's own cheek. He inhaled the scent of Lucas—leather, coffee, man. "I never want you to go."