CHAPTER FOURTEEN

One week later

‘C ADE , YOU MADE IT !’

‘Yeah, I managed to get out of the meeting early.’ Cade strolled into the obstetrician’s waiting area. Guilt twisted in his gut, though, at the pleasure—and relief—in Charlotte’s expression.

He hadn’t intended to come. He’d lined up a ton of excuses over the past week—ever since she’d mentioned the sonogram. Valid, reasonable excuses as to why he couldn’t make it.

He needed to start easing himself out of this relationship. He was getting too attached. The pregnancy, and the need to protect and support his child, were getting all mixed up in his head with his feelings for the baby’s mother. And his inability to stop wanting her...all the damn time.

But as he had sat in on the internet call with the zoning commissioner and his architects on a development in Monterey that afternoon, all he’d been able to think about was Charlotte having to navigate this milestone on her own—the way she’d probably had to navigate so many others alone, just like he had. As the meeting had dragged on, his attention kept straying to the clock in the corner of his screen—and the guilt had twisted into tighter and tighter knots. Until he hadn’t been able to bear it any longer. And he’d cut off the debate about permits and zoning applications, shot out of the office, jumped in the nearest cab and shouted at the driver to fight through downtown traffic to get here. Just in time.

But as he sat beside her and she grasped his hand, the look on her face so bright and happy to see him there, he felt like a fraud.

‘Thanks for coming, Cade. I’m so nervous,’ she said.

‘You are?’ he asked, surprised. He knew she’d wanted him to attend the scan, but she hadn’t seemed worried. ‘Why?’

‘I think they check for any defects, as well as all the obvious things, like if it has the beginnings of a penis,’ she said, her grin spreading over her whole face as her fingers tightened on his. ‘Will you want to know if they can make an educated guess?’

‘A guess about what?’ he asked, not able to follow the thread of the conversation, the guilt increasing.

Why was he here? When he already knew he couldn’t be a part of this baby’s life, not in any tangible sense. Because it would mean being a part of her life too.

‘The sex, of course!’ she said, just as a woman in a white coat appeared.

‘Dr Chen is ready for you, Ms Courtney.’ The older woman sent Cade a welcoming smile. ‘And, Mr Landry. We’re so glad you could make it, too.’ The nurse led them through the corridors of the state-of-the-art facility, but wouldn’t stop talking. ‘This is always such an important moment in a parent’s journey, and it’s always wonderful to have both parents here to witness it.’

Parents?

The word added weight to the guilty brick in his gut.

How could he be a parent when this child could never be more than an abstract concept to a guy like him? He’d never known his own father—had guessed the guy was probably one of the other junkies in the drug dens his mother frequented, according to the social worker’s report he’d unearthed, before he’d stopped looking.

Charlotte let go of his hand to get ready for the sonogram in an adjoining room. He was introduced to Dr Chen as they waited in the examination room. She asked him if he had any questions, but he could feel the panic starting to strangle him. So he shook his head and didn’t ask the questions he’d thought about often in the past couple of weeks—while trying not to think about them.

Charlotte reappeared wearing a simple green gown. Her conversation with Dr Chen—detailing her current health—floated in the room around Cade as she lay down on a long couch. He rubbed clammy palms down his pants legs, aware his hands were starting to sweat. The hum of the machine opposite them powered up as the screen began to glow with an eerie blue light.

The chemical scent of the gel the doctor put on the wand she held, and the sight of Charlotte’s nervous smile as Chen pressed the wand to her bare belly, only intensified the chaotic swirl of emotions pushing at the edges of Cade’s consciousness.

A fast-throbbing beat—like the ticking of an overactive clock—cut through the noise in Cade’s head, and a picture formed on the screen.

‘There we are,’ the doctor announced with a smile in her voice. ‘Junior has a nice strong heartbeat, you’ll be glad to know.’

Charlotte’s sharp intake of breath dragged Cade out of his trance.

‘Oh, wow!’ Her gaze connected with his.

The sheen of raw emotion was unguarded, and so beautiful and brave and unafraid in that moment, his own pulse accelerated to match the giddy ticking of the amplified heartbeat.

Cade forced his gaze to the screen as the doctor pointed out the spine, the head, the legs and arms, already forming. The skull looked enormous to him, the body curled in on itself. No wonder they called it the foetal position. The screen became filled with lines and dots as the doctor took what she said were essential measurements. Charlotte asked questions, most of which he couldn’t make out because of the blood thundering in his ears.

He couldn’t stop staring at the life they’d made together. Because of a busted condom. The life that hadn’t really been real to him until this moment—except as an opportunity to put his mark on the future. And on Charlotte.

What an arrogant jerk he’d been. To think he could manage his feelings towards this tiny human being the same way he managed his businesses.

Awe swept through him, stronger even than the afterglow when he made love to Charlotte. But right behind it was the fear. And the loneliness which made the weight on his chest crush his ribs. And suddenly he was back in that department store—waking up to find himself in the dark. Alone.

‘Cade, do you want to know the sex?’ Charlotte’s excited question pierced through the old nightmare.

‘Huh?’ he managed, trying to drag himself back to the present.

‘Dr Chen says the baby’s sex is clear enough for her to make a good guess, if we want to know. Although it’s not going to be one hundred percent at this point.’

But wouldn’t knowing the sex just make this more real?

‘Whatever you want to do is good with me,’ he said, struggling to cover the panic with nonchalance.

‘Okay.’ A frown creased Charlotte’s forehead. ‘Well, I’ve never been very patient.’ She turned to the doctor. ‘I’d love to know. Are we talking penis or no penis?’

The doctor laughed and then pressed the wand back into Charlotte’s abdomen. She pointed at the screen. ‘You see that small nub? I think we’re talking the beginnings of a penis, Charley.’

A boy? He was having a son?

The rest of the appointment passed by in a daze as he attempted to keep the wave of panic at bay. He could imagine the child clearly now. But it only made the fear and insecurity worse. Because he could also see himself as a boy, his earliest memories becoming more vivid, leaping out of the place where he’d kept them locked down for so long. The scent of trash and urine, the shouts which made him cower, the darkness closing in, the nightwatchman’s torch searing his eyes and dragging him from sleep into a new terrifying reality. He’d been so defenceless then. How could he protect a child when he had never even been able to protect himself?

He managed to calm his breathing, get his giddy heart rate under control as he waited for Charlotte outside the sonogram suite.

When she appeared, she looked radiant. The short summer dress she wore clung to her body, accentuating her increasingly bountiful breasts. The shot of need was familiar, but with it was something else, something he’d noticed more and more in the past few weeks—something deep and visceral and raw. And almost as terrifying as seeing his baby for the first time.

Longing.

‘So, it looks like the baby is going to have a penis,’ Charlotte said as she tucked her arm through his. Her voice was light, her expression full of the joy he had seen in the suite. ‘How do you feel about that? Did you have a preference?’

‘No,’ he managed, still feeling as if he were walking through a fog.

‘Is the right answer...’ she said, but her eyes had lost some of their happy glow as he escorted her to his car in the parking garage below the building.

They drove through the downtown streets, his anxiety increasing as the silence he couldn’t fill stretched between them.

A part of him wanted to take her back to the penthouse, to sink into her, to make her sigh and moan and shudder in his arms—so he could make this simple again.

But it had never been simple. Not with her. And that wasn’t just because of the baby. It was about so much more. His emotions weren’t his own. He’d lost control long before they’d made this baby. He had to get it back or he would never be able to find his safe space again. And forget about that little boy hiding in a corner and waiting for someone to find him, to want him, when no one ever had.

‘Cade, what’s wrong?’ Charley murmured as they walked into his penthouse.

She’d absorbed his silence in the car and tried to figure it out. But she had known something was very wrong ever since she’d come out of the dressing area at the clinic to find him waiting for her, his face ashen.

She’d been overjoyed to see him when he’d turned up for the appointment, having resigned herself to his no-show. And she’d been so happy and excited during the scan itself, especially once the doctor had declared the baby healthy. She hadn’t really been aware of Cade’s reaction—because she’d been so absorbed in the emotional hit of seeing the life they had created. But she was aware of it now, because it was impossible to ignore. He had looked stricken when she had found him in the waiting area. And now, it seemed as if he wasn’t even here.

‘I need to head to the airport,’ he said.

‘What?’ she said, shocked by the abrupt statement and the cool tone.

‘I have to be in Manhattan for Labor Day,’ he replied. ‘And I’ve got a lot to settle before then.’

‘I know, but...’

Before she could say more, he had left her to walk into their bedroom.

She raced after him. ‘Really, you have to go this evening?’ she asked, hating the tremble of anxiety, confused now as well as shocked.

‘Yeah.’ He grabbed a bag from inside the dresser, began dumping clothes into it.

‘Cade, is this about the sonogram? What’s wrong? What happened to you in there?’ she asked again, suddenly determined to face this situation head-on.

She’d thought they’d made a breakthrough this afternoon. That he was finally willing to engage with the reality of the baby instead of just the pregnancy. But why had she let him get away with his disengagement for so long? He’d wanted this baby, too. Weren’t they supposed to be in this together? What was really going on here? Something about this felt hideously familiar, reminding her of all the times she’d begged her mother to see her, to respond to her, and she never had. Or tried to get her father’s attention, only to be informed her feelings, her needs, really weren’t important in the grand scheme of things.

He headed to the bathroom and reappeared with his hands full of his toiletries. He dumped them in the bag too, then zipped it up.

‘Cade, stop!’ She pressed shaking fingers over his. ‘Look at me.’ He lifted his head, his gaze finally meeting hers. ‘What is going on? You have to tell me. You’re starting to scare me...’

‘Charlotte, I’m sorry,’ he said, his voice so grave it only scared her more. But then he cradled her cheek, and what she saw in his eyes calmed the panic, at least a little.

Yearning. Need. Connection.

But when she leant into his palm, he dragged it away.

‘You must have known,’ he said, ‘that this was only ever meant to be temporary.’

She heard it then, the finality, the dismissal. It cut her like a knife. And made her realise she had somehow convinced herself that this was more. That this was better. That this could be something. When it had always been nothing. For him, anyway.

There were so many things she could say as he slung the bag onto his shoulder.

What about the baby they shared? What about the emotions inside her which had blossomed and bloomed and grown over the past weeks every time he looked at her with such longing, such passion? Maybe even before that? Maybe right back to that night across the bay when she’d danced with him and felt truly seen for the first time in her life.

How could she have misinterpreted all of that so completely?

She felt her heart tearing and shattering, though, unable to voice any of it as he rested his hand on her abdomen and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

Tears scoured her eyes as she saw the sadness in his face.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Don’t leave me. Why can’t you love me? Why can’t I be enough?

The terror returned as the questions reverberated inside her, but she couldn’t get them past the huge lump in her throat. And as he stepped back, she made herself believe she didn’t want to ask the questions, because she had always known the answers, and all she had left now was her pride.

‘My legal team will be in touch about the financial arrangements for the baby,’ he said. ‘Stay here as long as you want. The place is yours. Landry Construction will continue to pay your business expenses and all your other costs for as long as you need.’

She didn’t reply. She stood stoic and unbending as she watched him leave her.

But when the lift doors closed behind him, she walked to the window, and the tears came. They streamed down her face as the choking sobs queued up in her throat.

She rested her hand on her belly, where Cade had touched her for the last time.

Stroking the place where their baby grew.

Not theirs. Hers.

‘You’re not his any more,’ she whispered, out loud to the empty apartment. ‘You’re mine. He doesn’t want you, but I do.’

But even as she said the words, she knew a part of this baby would always be his, just like the foolish part of her heart which she’d opened to him—after convincing herself she wouldn’t. After knowing she shouldn’t.

The part of her heart he’d discarded all too easily.