36. Juliet

It's sunny.Why the fuck is it sunny? I stare blankly at the light that beats in through the window. My hair smells like green apples. They have hot running water here. I had a shower last night, and now I'm sitting here in new clothes, the first pair of jeans I've worn in years, and my hair smelling of green apples, but all I can think about is how bad my throat hurts.

I screamed for so long after they took me away from Silas that I started coughing up blood. They ended up giving me a shot to try and calm me down, some kind of sedative. That triggered an episode of PTSD so violent that I threw up until there was nothing but bile coming out of me. I wanted to die. All I wanted was to die.

But then finally, whatever they gave me worked, and I calmed down enough to have a shower, and lie down in a warm bed they assigned me. In a private room. The first time I'd slept alone for over five years.

I stared at the moonlight and listened to my breathing, my single heartbeat. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Silas's face as they dragged me away. It all happened so fast. One second I was relieved we were safe, the next…

Now it's the morning, and I'm sitting on a hard gurney, my arms wrapped around me. A woman sits in a chair next to me, I guess she's a doctor or something, and she asks me questions that I can only answer with a nod or a shake of my head. Because my throat hurts so bad that I can barely speak.

My vision keeps clouding as fresh tears mist my eyes. Every time the realization that he's gone, that he's gone, weighs down on me, I'm flooded with despair so deep I think it's going to kill me.

I kind of hope it does.

The woman stops asking me questions, and reaches out to put a tentative hand on my arm. "Are you OK, sweetie?"

"No." I choke out the word through my throat, which feels like it's lined with broken glass. "I'm not."

"They said you'd come with a feeder, and he had to go."

"He wasn't-" I cut off as I cough, holding the back of my hand to my mouth. "He wasn't a feeder. He saved me. He was my… my… We were together."

"Did he feed off you?"

"With my consent, yes."

The woman regards me with a pinched expression, sympathetic as she nods. "I know some of them can be decent, but we can't be sure."

I lapse back into silence, because I'm not going to argue with these people. There's no point. The woman continues on trying to engage me in friendly conversation. She tells me about the colony, about how friendly everyone is, how well set up they are. I don't care about any of it. I know I should, I should be glad to be safe.

But I'm not.

"Is Sutton in charge?" I ask, cutting off the woman's words.

"Oh, yes, she is. She and ten others started this colony a few years ago. She's great, very strong."

"Can I see her?"

The woman considers my words for a second. "Oh. I mean, yeah of course, I'll ask if you can go speak to her." She calls out for a man standing in the corridor. "Could you ask Sutton if she has time to talk to the new arrival?"

The man looks at me with a kind expression before nodding, and leaving the room.

"You're going to be so happy here, sweetheart." The woman squeezes my arm, smiling softly. "Wait here, Michael will take you to Sutton." She leaves the room, and I gaze out the window.

The sun's shining on the surrounding buildings, the remains of downtown Roanoke. I'd come here as a child, one of my aunts had lived here for a while and we'd visited her. It looks a little different now, half destroyed buildings, attempts at patching them up with wood and wire dotting the walls. They're trying here, I can see that. The woman had said there were 800 people living here. Sutton said they even had children here.

Maybe I could have a normal life. Garden alongside everyone else, get older, meet someone, maybe have a baby.

My hand strays to my stomach, and I have a genuinely stupid thought. I hope Silas's baby is in there. Then I'd have a piece of him with me forever. But would they accept a half-vamp baby? I don't even know. I bite back yet more tears that threaten to start falling. I hang my head in my hands, wishing I could stop fucking trembling. I take some deep steadying breaths, and by the time Michael comes to get me, I'm almost calm. Mostly. Like 50 percent.

We reach Sutton's office, which looks like it once belonged to an accounting firm. She sits behind a battered wooden desk, in a black folding chair, and she gives Michael a nod, dismissing him from the room. Her eyes are kind as they move back to me, and she gestures to a chair on the other side of the desk. I don't sit down, standing behind the chair with my hands behind my back so she can't see them shaking.

"Are you feeling better this morning?"

"I guess."

She frowns sympathetically, like a worried aunt. "I'm so sorry they gave you that medication without your consent, I understand that would have been awful for you. But we were so worried."

I shrug, swallowing hard. "It's fine. You did what you had to do."

She gives a gentle nod, leaning back in her chair. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, I did. Have the Afflicted passed?"

"They have." She puts her clasped hands on the desk. "It was a rather large horde, it took them all night to pass. But they're miles away now."

I clear my throat, wincing a little as I swallow against the pain. "So, the gate can be opened again?"

Sutton's brow furrows for a second. "If it needs to be, sure. We'd open it."

"Great, I'd like you to open it please."

"Why?"

I take a breath through my nose, summoning all my courage to actually enact what I came here to do. "So I can leave."

Sutton's eyebrows shoot up. "Leave?"

"Yes, leave."

Sutton sighs, leaning back in her chair which creaks with the shift in her weight. "And where exactly do you think you're going to go?"

"Am I a prisoner here?"

She shakes her head emphatically. "Of course not."

"Great, so could you ask them to open the gates please?"

Sutton gets to her feet, rounding the desk to lean on the side closest to me. "Look, I understand that yesterday was an emotional day for you. That vampire obviously means a lot to you."

"He does." My voice wavers, and I clench my teeth together to stop myself bursting into tears again. "And I'd like to go and find him."

"Juliet, listen. I get it, OK?" She crosses her arms over her chest. "We've all lost a lot here. I lost my husband and my son. I understand you, I do. And I didn't stop him from staying here to be cruel."

"I know, I get it. But that doesn"t change anything. I want to go and find him."

"And what if you don't?"

I shrug. "Then something else will and either way I won't be your problem anymore."

"You are not a problem." Sutton sighs heavily, running a hand over her short curly hair. "I promised him you'd be safe here. What's he going to think if he comes back here and you're gone? And we never know what happened to you?"

"I need to go and find him." I know she's right. This is dumb.

"But you're safe here."

"I was safe in Georgia, too!" I catch myself as my voice rises, breaking against the rawness of my throat. "I was safe there, locked up, for five years. I'd have been safe in Charleston too, as much as any of us can be in this fucked up world. But I don't want to be safe for the rest of my life if it's not with him."

"So, you'd rather die out there with him?"

"Sure, if that's what being with him means. What else do I have to live for?"

"You have yourself to live for."

This is stupid and toxic and what a therapist would call codependency. But I push that thought away. "He saved me. He was there for me when no one else was. He killed for me. He protected me with his life, he loved me even though it could have gotten him killed. I'm not leaving him out there alone."

Sutton pushes off the desk and moves towards me, stopping short, lifting her hands as though to touch me then letting them fall. "Juliet, listen to me. Your pain, it's raw, and new, and you're not thinking straight."

"Can I please go now?"

"What if he's gone? He could be miles away by now." Sutton's face starts to sag with defeat. "Juliet, you can have a life here, and that's what he wanted you to have."

I take a deep breath. She's right, I know she is. And Silas would be telling me all this himself if he were here. But I don't care.

"Ma'am, with all due respect, I've lived the life other people have wanted me to live for a long time now. I'm done with that. I want to live the life I want, and if that's short because I'm stupid, then that's on me. But at least I made that choice for myself."

Sutton exhales heavily, running a hand over her face. "Well, when you put it like that…" She trails off, looking up at me with narrowed eyes. "Michael!"

The man who escorted me appears in the doorway a moment later. "Yeah?"

"Can you organize a pack please?" Sutton says, looking down at my feet. "And go see about some proper boots. She can't walk in these flimsy shoes."

Michael disappears quickly.

"You don't need to do that," I say to Sutton. "You don't owe me anything."

"No I don't, but I do owe something to myself, and my integrity matters to me." She walks to a filing cabinet in the corner, unlocking it and pulling open a drawer with a loud scrape. She withdraws a handgun, inspecting it for a second before walking back to me. "Do you know how to use one of these?"

"Yeah, my dad was a cop, he said we had to learn how to use one responsibly."

"Good." She hands me the weapon. "I can't spare many bullets, just what"s in there. But I won't send you out there unarmed."

"Thank you." I clasp the gun in my hands, which suddenly feel cold. "I appreciate it."

"And if you don't find him, come back." Sutton's mouth lifts into a wavering smile. "Don't think you're not welcome back here. I could use someone like you here."

I snort. "Stupid and irresponsible?"

"No." She shakes her head, her eyes softening for a moment. "Passionate and driven. It's easy to lose that in a world like this, where we're just surviving all the time."

I swallow hard. "Thank you."

Michael reappears with a black backpack, a pair of boots and thick navy blue puffer jacket. "The boots will probably be a little big, but they'll do better than those things."

"Thanks." I take a seat, kicking off the thin flat shoes I'd been issued at the compound, and pull on the thick socks and hiking boots. They're a little big, but the socks help. I get back to my feet, shrugging on the jacket before hoisting the pack onto my shoulders.

Sutton and Michael lead the way out of the office, and with every step I feel more and more ridiculous. I'm a fool. This is so stupid.

But by the time we reach the gate, my resolve returns. I refuse to believe that Silas is miles away. He's nearby. He hasn't left me. He wouldn't have done that.

Or maybe he's not as dumb as me, and he actually has a sense of self-preservation.

Sutton turns to me, and smiles warmly. "I meant what I said. If you don't find him, you get yourself back here."

"OK." My stomach is a churning knot of ice.

"And if I was him, I would have headed north, further from Georgia." She gestures to her left. "That way. Follow the main road out of town. Be careful in the forests, there's marauders every now and then."

"OK." I've lost the ability to say anything but that word. I jump as the gate starts to groan, rolling open slowly.

Sutton must sense my fear, because she puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Be safe. I hope you find him."

"Thanks."

"And remember - you can come back, anytime." Her hand drops from my shoulder, and she takes a step back.

"OK."

I turn away from her, and walk through the gate. The guards above me look down at me, probably thinking what a goddamn idiot I am. Finally I'm on the other side, out on the road, the last place I saw Silas, the last place he held me. The gate rolls shut behind me, and then I'm alone.

For a split second my resolve nearly falters, and I want to turn and slam my fists against the gate, beg them to let me back in where it's safe. Panic rises through me, rushing into my lungs and squashing all the oxygen out of me. I lean on my knees, rasping in deep steady breaths. I'm not going to panic, I'm not going to lose it.

I can do this. I can find him. He's close by. He won't have gone far away from me.

I force my feet to move, even though they're weighted to the ground by fear. One step, one more, and another, and before I know it, I'm out of sight of the gate. A few more minutes and I turn a corner, out onto a wide open road that stretches in front of me along a line of collapsed buildings.

The sun's beating down on me as I keep walking, and despite the cool breeze, within a few minutes sweat is running down my back. The backpack is heavy, and hurts my shoulders a little. My feet are sweltering in these boots, but at least they don't hurt. I hope I can run if I need to.

After an hour, the city has started to fall away, the road widening and rising to pass the forest that runs alongside it. I notice for the first time the mountains on the horizon. The land around the compound was so flat, and I pause for a moment to admire my surroundings. If I look past the ruined buildings, it's actually really pretty around here.

I take the pack from my shoulders, opening it to find a huge bottle of water, some packed food, some silver foil packets that remind me of army rations, and a first aid kit. I take some careful sips of water, not wanting to waste it. Is that a stupid thought to have when I don't even know how long I'll survive out here?

I look over my shoulder, back the way I came, and I'm sure I could find my way back to the colony. But how far do I go before I give up? Give up. My shoulders sag a little as I think about the day before. Silas gave up. He just left me here. Maybe he's far away, maybe he realized he didn't want to be with me after all.

I inhale sharply and straighten up. I'm being ridiculous. Silas just wanted the best for me, that was all. He thought he was saving me, he just wanted to see me be safe. It has nothing to do with him not wanting me. I can't help the tear that runs down my cheek, catching the cool breeze. The temperature is dropping and I hope to god it doesn't snow.

I push on along the abandoned highway, taking steps over large cracks in the asphalt, vines snaking along the ground. Nature started taking this place back a long time ago.

The road dips off to the right, through the forest, and the highway continues along ahead of me, but the road is so damaged I know that Silas wouldn't have been able to take that route. If he came this way, he had to take this road through the forest.

The hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and I tell myself it's just the wind. I'm just cold. It isn't my intuition telling me that danger lies ahead. There's no one out here. It's just me.

The feeling of dread presses down on my shoulders more and more as I advance. Something's wrong. Silas isn't down here. I stop, taking down the pack to retrieve the water bottle. I'm probably just tired and thirsty. I haven't eaten in hours. I'm hungry. My body's just reacting to all of that.

My hands are shaking so badly that I can barely hold the water bottle to my lips, and spill some of it down my chin. "Jesus, Juliet, get a grip," I chide myself quietly, but I may as well be shouting the way my voice shatters the silence around me.

I tuck the bottle away in the pack, and as I zip it shut, my scalp prickles.

I'm being watched.

I can feel eyes on me.

I slowly pull the pack on, and turn around, heading back to the highway. I try to keep my movements measured, try to stop myself from breaking into a run, as though it's a fucking bear and you don't run from bears. That's the advice right? My brain isn't working right.

There's a snap of twigs, and sweat erupts on my top lip. Keep walking. Just keep walking. The highway is in sight. It's OK. It's just an animal. Keep moving.

Then there are footsteps. Heavy slow footsteps on the asphalt behind me. Very human footsteps, followed by a throaty laugh.

"And where do you think you're going?"

I break into a run.