21. Juliet

Wakingup when you thought you'd died, when you'd intended to die, is a fucking trip.

I stare around the clinic room, deeply confused. My lungs ache. My eyes are burning, like there's broken glass inside my eyelids as I try to open them.There's a soft hissing noise, and a cold stream of air running into my nose. Plastic tubing sits against my face.

A warm hand is wrapped around mine, and when I blink and focus, Silas's rust-colored eyes are on my face.

"Jules?"

My eyes snap shut. Jules. I wish he wouldn't call me that. I love that he calls me that. It makes me feel a whole host of things I don't want to feel.

"Jules?" Soft fingers brush against my forehead.

"Go away." My voice is gravelly, barely audible. My throat feels like it has freezer burn, everything is cold and sharp. "I don't want to see you."

"Well that's too bad, because I'm right here." He's still leaning over me. He's not moving. If I open my eyes, I'll be looking right into that face, those eyes filled with concern and care, maybe even love? I don't know. I don't want to know. It hurts too damn much.

I shake my head. "Please don't look at me. I don't want you to."

"I want to." His lips brush against my cheek. "I'm so fucking glad I can look at you."

A tear bursts from between my lashes, running down my cheek and pooling against my face as it gets caught by the breathing tube. Why did I have to wake up? Why couldn't that water have snuffed me out?

"I don't want to live like this," I murmur.

"Jules, please look at me."

I take three deep breaths, then slowly open my eyes.

He's there, gazing at me, all the beauty of a thunderstorm, dark and ominous. But I'm not scared of him. I haven't been scared of him for a while. Even so, I can't handle the way he's looking at me. I can't take the twist in my stomach as I realize how badly I want him to take me into his arms.

"You found me, didn't you?" I ask, my voice cracking. "You knew where to look." He knows me. He wants to know me.

"I'll always find you, angel."

A little sob breaks from me, and he slides a hand behind my head, holding me close to him.

"I'll always find you," he murmurs again. "No one's going to hurt you, ever again."

"I just… I couldn't… When they told me about Matt, I just…" I trail off, and Silas tenses.

"Is that why you did it? Because you wanted to be with him?"

"No." I shake my head against his shoulder as my throat swells shut. "I don't want this life, not like this, not anymore. There's nothing good, nothing." My lungs ache too much to cry.

Silas exhales slowly, like he's relieved, and draws back so he can look down at me.

"I've been there, I have. I was sure there was nothing good left in the world." He strokes my cheeks, and the pain in his eyes is like a dagger to my gut. "I've been there, angel. And someone saved me. Even in this fucked up world, there's beauty. There's joy. Even if you have to dig for it."

My throat aches as I swallow. "How deep do I have to dig to find beauty in a world like this?"

He presses my hand to his chest. "Not far at all."

My lip trembles, and then the tears start falling, flowing down my cheeks. "I trusted him." I gasp for air, the cold rush in my nose catching at the back of my throat and making me cough. "I let him in, and I trusted him. I never wanted to let anyone close, I never wanted… And then he did that to me."

"I know, I know." He sits on the bed beside me, and I slump against him, the sobs tearing up my throat despite my aching lungs. He holds me close, stroking my hair, letting me cry.

"I hate that I'm glad he's dead." I clench my eyes shut. "That makes me a bad person, right?"

"No. It means he got what he deserved." His voice is like ice, but it doesn't scare me one bit. "You're not a bad person. Nothing about you is bad. You didn't deserve this. Any of it."

I sniffle, looking up at him. "Who saved you? You said someone saved you."

"I'll tell you all about her sometime."

"Are you going to save me?"

His eyes widen a little for a split second, then he frowns. He looks like he wants to speak, like he wants to say something, instead he sighs heavily, pressing a kiss to my temple before getting to his feet.

"I need to go, but… No one's going to hurt you, alright? I'm here. Even if I'm just a feeder, even if you hate me-"

"I don't hate you, Silas."

He sucks in a breath. "Thank you."

"I told you, I'm glad you're my friend."

"So am I, angel." He turns away, running a hand through his hair, shifting on his feet like a caged animal. "I need to go." He looks back at me with a brief smile. "I'll be back soon. I promise."

The doorway is a yawning chasm after he rushes through it. I want to ask him to come back. But more tears leak from the corners of my eyes, because I can't do that.

I can't ask for anything here.

* * *

After three daysI'm allowed to leave the clinic and go back to the dorm. I'm not sure if I feel normal again, or if I'm just numb. My chest still aches a little, a scattering of bruises from the CPR along my sternum.

They"re still worried about my weight, and my mental state. Every time a feeder comes near me, I flinch because I think they're going to come and get me, take me out back and shoot me. But Silas told me they wouldn't do that. He wouldn't let anyone hurt me.

Just as I have for months now, I feel his eyes on me. He"s always in the background. It used to bother me. It gave me the chills. Now it's like a soft blanket I want to wrap myself up in. He makes me feel safe.

I'm off schedule for draining, because they want to get my weight up first. So I have even more time to be miserable.

Silas is waiting for me when I head out of the cafeteria after breakfast, three weeks after my little swim.

He's not wearing his usual khaki green uniform. Instead he's dressed in grey sweatpants and a tight black t-shirt. He's leaning against the wall of the opposite building, his rusty eyes fixed on me intently as I walk towards him.

"Morning," he says, a small grin twisting the corners of his mouth.

"Hey, you got the morning off?"

"Yeah, just wanted to see if you were up for a trip to the gym."

"The gym?" I raise an eyebrow. "I don't know if I feel like that."

"The doctor really wants you healthy." His smile is so fucking charming.

I gaze up at the bright blue sky, shielding my eyes with my hand. "It's such a beautiful day, why don't we go for a walk? I don't want to be inside more than I have to be."

He jerks his shoulders into a little shrug, tucking his hands into his pockets. "Of course. Let's go."

I kick off my flip-flops when we reach the grass, enjoying the feeling against my bare feet. Everything is warm and fresh, the sky above us littered with fluffy clouds. I breathe in deeply through my nose, becoming aware of Silas looking at me as we walk. I turn my head to gaze up at him. I can see his tattoos now, and my eyes wander down his arms, thick with muscle.

"Bones and roses," I say. "Do they mean anything or did you just think they looked good?"

He smiles, squinting in the sunlight. "I was 19 and thought they made me look tough."

"And who's she?" I point to the tattooed woman on his left bicep, bound with chains, her face twisted with ecstasy and her breasts very much on display. "Are those nipple clamps?" He stops so I can inspect her more closely, and he laughs out loud.

"That's Boudicca."

I raise my eyebrows incredulously. "As in, the celtic queen?"

Silas flashes that devastating smile again. "When I got her, I picked a name that I was fairly sure I would never associate with an ex-girlfriend. If I called her Jackie or Susan, those odds were decidedly not in my favor. So, she's Boudicca, and I'll never have my naked ex-girlfriend tattooed on my arm."

"Good plan." I look back at the tattoo, and smile. "Nice to meet you, Boudicca. You seem to be having a good time."

"Oh, she is." Silas's voice drops a little lower.

I try to ignore what that tone of voice does to me, and run my finger down his huge arm. "Were you always this jacked?"

He shrugs as we start to stroll again.

"I was a scrawny kid, so when I got older I wanted to be bigger. But…" He trails off, his face dropping a little. "Drugs aren't especially healthy. Wasn't until I got clean that I bulked up again."

"Right." We walk for a little while, skirting the edge of the forest. The garden is brimming with fruit and vegetables, ready for harvest. "My brother used to drag me to the gym with him."

"Oh, yeah? You said you're a twin."

I nod. "Well, I was."

"Did you look alike?"

"No." I smile a little. "I look like my dad, and my brother looked like my mom."

"Ah, they got one each, ey?" Silas plucks a peach from one of the trees and hands it to me. "Here, this one looks good."

It does, it's fat and glowing red. I sink my teeth into one side, making a big hole before I start peeling the skin away from the flesh. Silas watches me with raised eyebrows, grinning.

"Don't like the skin?"

I shake my head. "Nah, makes me gag."

"Mmm, can't say I've ever minded hairy things in my mouth."

A suppressed laugh grunts in my throat. "If that was an attempt at flirting you failed."

"Yeah, that sounded way better in my head," he says with a chuckle. He watches me finish peeling the peach, and I meet his eyes as I sink my teeth into the deep yellow flesh. "Good?"

"Mmmm." Juice runs down my chin as I nod. I rub it away with the back of my hand, very aware that Silas's eyes are fixed on my mouth. I lick my lips, and his shoulders tense visibly for a second. "Do you ever miss food?"

"Sometimes." God, his stare is so intense. "But usually no. Blood tastes amazing."

I wrinkle my nose. "Seriously? What does it taste like?"

"Depends on the blood. Everyone tastes a little different but it all tastes great."

"Have you ever had my blood?"

His chin dips a little, his chest expanding as he seems to hold in a heavy breath. "I have, as a matter of fact."

"And what do I taste like?"

His gaze sweeps up my arms, landing on my face, his eyes turning just a hint more red than they were before. "You taste like vanilla, with a hint of spice. Like some expensive coffee you buy in a wanker cafe. Comes in a cup that's far too small, just leaves you wanting more."

I huff out an embarrassed laugh. "That's one hell of a way to compliment a girl."

"Well, it's true."

I shrug lightly before lifting the peach to my lips and biting into it. I moan exaggeratedly and roll my eyes back in my head.

"Mmmm, you can keep my blood, this tastes so damn good."

"Might just have to lick that juice right off you and have a taste then."

We both freeze, staring at each other for a minute. I'm aware of peach juice running down my chin, my neck, into the collar of my shirt. Silas's eyes follow the trail of one of these droplets, and he does that thing with his lip again, drawing it through his teeth like he's imagining just what I taste like. Then he rolls his shoulders, running a hand over his mouth as he looks away, laughing lightly.

"Come on, let's keep walking." He gestures to the forest, then pauses. "Unless you don't want to go down here."

"There's another path." I pitch the peach seed into the garden. "It doesn't lead down to… There." I don't know if I can face the stream. Not yet.

We walk on in silence for a few minutes, birdsong ringing through the trees around us. The leaves are starting to turn yellow as Fall sets in.

"What was your brother's name?" Silas asks.

"Kaden," I reply. "My mom was an English teacher, our names were inspired by her favorite works. Kaden was named after a Polish philosopher she wrote a thesis on. I'll let you guess which one I was named after."

Silas chuckles. "What light through yonder window breaks?"

"Tis me." I spread my hands and bob my knees into a little curtsey. "Good job."

"Were you and your brother close?"

I nod. "Sure were. He was my best friend. Everyone called us Raggedy Ann and Andy. We did everything together, until I went to college." I swallow hard. "He wanted to travel for a year before he started. I tried to talk him out of it, but…" I trail off. I wish I'd insisted. I wish I'd been able to convince him to come to UGA. He'd be trapped here with me, but at least he'd still be alive. I clear my throat, the sweetness of the peach sticking to my lips. "Did you have siblings?"

"I did, yeah." He looks up into the sun-dappled leaves. "A brother and a sister. I was the eldest. My mum had some trouble getting pregnant after she had me, so there was an age gap. I was 9 when my brother was born, and then 12 when she had my sister."

"So you weren't close?"

He frowns, his eyes grazing over the leafy ground. "They were adorable, and my little sister especially, she loved me. Had to carry her around everywhere. But then… things changed and I wasn't who my parents wanted around them."

"Sorry." I reach over to take his hand, then remember my hands are sticky and gross with peach juice, and pull back.

His head jerks in my direction, and his hand shoots out, his fingers entwining with mine.

So now I'm walking through the forest, holding hands with a vamp. Like that's a totally normal thing to do on a sunny Fall morning. His hand is huge, dwarfing mine, thick veins snaking across his knuckles.

We reach the end of the forest, the perimeter fence standing between us and an expanse of green fields. We stand there for a while, staring out at the world out there. I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder if he feels as trapped here as I do.

There's a faint mechanical whirring sound, and I look up to see a surveillance camera turning towards us. I instinctively step back, trying to pull my hand away from Silas's. They're watching us, and I don't want him getting in trouble.

But he doesn't let me go, and the resistance makes me stumble. My back hits a tree trunk, and Silas is crowded in front of me. I gasp as he gazes down at me. We're out of view of the camera, but if they turn it, if they go looking for us, they'll see us face to face like this, alone, out in the forest.

"Silas," I murmur. "You'll get in trouble."

He takes my hand, the one he's still holding, and lifts it, slowly, above my head. He pins it gently against the trunk of the tree, bringing his other hand to rest on my waist.

"Silas, what are you doing?"

His mouth inches closer to mine. The camera on the fence whirs, and my eyes flash up to it. It's turning towards us, slowly. But we'll be in view soon.

My eyes move back to Silas's. Oh god. Why is he so beautiful? Thank god I don't have to think to breathe, because I'd have stopped by now.

He dips his head until his lips are barely an inch from mine, pressing his body against me.

He's going to kiss me. Oh god, he's going to kiss me and the camera's going to catch us, and they"ll send me away. They'll punish him. This isn't allowed. This isn't allowed, and yet my eyes flutter closed, waiting for him to crush my mouth with his, wondering what he's going to taste like.

With a sudden jerk I'm pulled away from the tree, and my eyes fly open. Silas drags me through the forest, away from the fence, away from the camera. I don't know what to think, my head's swimming. Maybe he wasn't going to kiss me. Maybe I imagined it.

He's not talking, just pulling me along behind him.

"Silas, stop." I try to yank my hand away, but his death grip doesn't budge. "What was that? Silas?"

"Sorry," he mutters, so I barely hear it.

"Sorry? For what? Did you not-"

He stops, rounding on me. "I'm sorry, alright? It won't happen again."

I keep walking, letting him drag me back to the compound. I can't understand the deflation I feel. Silas is my friend, did I really want him to kiss me? I grimace as I admit to myself that maybe I did. Some stupid desire to chase away everything that happened. I'm an idiot. I learned nothing from Matt.

Back at the compound, Silas takes me to the dorm, and leaves me there without another word. I watch his back as he disappears. For some stupid reason I start crying as I wash away the peach juice in the bathroom.

I crawl into my bed, and continue to cry. For Kaden, for Silas's baby brother and sister. And maybe a little bit for myself too.