Chapter 23

Chapter

Twenty-Three

I thinkthat was the least satisfying shower I’ve ever taken. And definitely the saltiest—this time, supplied by my eyeballs rather than the ocean.

Fuck.

Crying only ever makes me feel worse. But I can only stare into space in numb shock for so long. I splash cold water over my face, but it doesn’t do much either.

Mostly, I want answers.

A familiar, soft knock echoes through the cabin, and I already know who’s at the door.

It’s Kieran.

I’ve been expecting him. But what’s worse: if he knows what I know, or if he doesn’t? The latter, I think. I don’t want to watch him pretend that nothing is wrong while I know the truth.

Above all, I can’t shake the feeling I’m a gullible idiot, and I should have known.

Thisis what I watched flashing across his face so many times these last few weeks. I thought it was something in his past—something I could help with. But it’s not.

It’s his future.

“Coming,” I call out, drying my hands and face on a towel. Then I turn to walk for the door, my guts churning with a fresh wave of heartache.

I brace myself to pull open the door, and…

Oh.

No, wait. It is Kieran.

For a second, I didn’t recognise him, because I’ve never seen him like this before.

Kieran looks like a ghost of himself—pale, drawn, worried. Even his bright pink hair is flattened against his head, and he’s drawn himself in, hands tucked in his pockets, shoulders slumped.

He knows that I know.

“Come in,” I tell him, my voice hoarse. I clear my throat and tug the door open, leaving it for him to step through as I turn and make my way to the sofa.

A sofa I picked out to be comfortable for me to lie down on, cuddling with Kieran after a long day of work.

My jaw is tight. It’s all I can do not to grind my teeth together as I sit carefully on one side, watching Kieran take off his shoes and follow me.

Kieran pauses, looking between me and the couch. He finally takes a seat on the other side. I don’t think he’s ever deliberately put so much space between us.

Not even in bed that first night.

And with that thought, the next one comes straight out of my mouth.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

Kieran doesn’t even try to defend himself. He just hangs his head and waits, so I keep on talking.

“It’s not like you forgot you were gonna have to leave the goddamn country. You knew from the start.” My voice is sharp and raw with pain, and I fold my arms tightly. “You just decided not to tell me, right?”

Kieran nods. He bites his lip and slowly looks up at me, but he’s not saying anything yet.

Then my real fear comes spilling out of my mouth.

“You’ve been leading me on every step of the way.”

At last, Kieran’s eyes widen, and his lips part. His cheeks flush as if indignant, and he works his jaw around.

It’s true, and we both know it.

“You invited me into your home. You invited me to ask you out on a date. You fucking invited me to ask you to make it official. You did everything you could to win me over, and you never breathed a word of what was coming. It’s hard not to feel… used.”

The last word hurts, but I force it out of my mouth anyway. The shame of it—the frustration, the fears, all of it—is contained in that single syllable.

Kieran flinches abruptly and twists his hands together. His eyes shine with tears, and he swallows hard, staring at the ceiling for a moment. He’s finally ready to speak when he looks back at me, so I hold back and wait.

“I—I guess you’re right,” he whispers, his voice hoarse. “I did. I knew all along that I should say something. But I—I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted that at all, Gage.”

I believe him. He’s never been able to hide the truth from me—with sunshine or rain.

But my head is a mess, and I still don’t know where that leaves us.

“So…” I trail off, lifting my shoulders slightly at him. For once, I need to straight-up ask the question so I can get a straight-up answer. “Why?”

Kieran swallows a few times. Then he turns on the couch, resting his elbow against the back of the couch as he pulls his feet up next to him. “I was freaking out. I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to leave.”

I mean, it doesn’t explain all the secrecy, but I could have guessed that.

Kieran swallows hard. “The moment I got out of Ireland, I… I didn’t want to look back. Two years sounded like it was forever away, enough time to figure out another plan. But time flies, I guess…”

“And then you’re about to hand in your notice and you meet me.”

Kieran flinches, and then he smiles a little bit as he looks down at his lap. “Yeah.”

“And you wanted one last conquest?”

“No.” Kieran looks up at me so fast that I recoil in surprise. “No,” he repeats himself vehemently, leaning toward me. “Never.”

I take a deep breath and let it out, giving my deepest fears a few moments to settle down. In my heart of hearts, I already knew… but I had to be sure.

“I was just staring down the barrel. I realised that I finally found somewhere that’s really home—or that could be home.” Kieran hesitates, bites his lip, twists his hands together even harder. “Not just somewhere. Someone. I didn’t mean to fall for you—but then I met you, and it was…”

He trails off, like he’s trying to find the word, and I know exactly what he means. “Inevitable,” I murmur.

I knew that I had to sit up and pay attention when I first saw him there in the bar… and I think he felt that, too. But he didn’t think it could continue this way—or grow like a weed in spring.

“Inevitable,” Kieran echoes me in a whisper. “It was too late and too soon to tell you.”

As my anger slowly subsides, I start to feel its true shape: frustration. I close my eyes for a moment and shake my head. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I looked up all the options. There’s nothing,” Kieran says, sharp with frustration and pain.

I just wish he hadn’t been keeping all that pain to himself these last few weeks.

“Why tell you when there’s nothing?” Kieran continues. It’s weird to see his lips downturned all of a sudden, and the light go out in his eyes. He looks away, gazing at the map hanging over the fireplace. “We’re both just as helpless in all of this. You belong here, and… I can’t stay.”

But there’s something turning over in my brain. “There’s nothing?”

Kieran puffs out a little frustrated sigh. “I looked up all the routes. I can’t afford to go back to school, and it would take months. You can’t hire me. Not even entrepreneurship, unless we’re freaking millionaires already. There’s a freaking farm worker program, but it doesn’t cover orchards.”

But that’s not what I mean. “There’s always one route, isn’t there?”

“Huh?” Kieran blinks at me, and then he frowns. “I mean, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking…”

“You could marry me.” I rest one arm along the back of the couch as I turn toward him, chewing my lip.

It just makes sense. Don’t get me wrong: three weeks ago, I would have said hell, no. Two weeks ago, I would hesitantly said no. A week ago, I wouldn’t have known what to say.

But after coming face-to-face with the reality of life without Kieran, even briefly…

I don’t want to lose him.

But Kieran’s jumping to his feet, glaring down at me with all the fury of a storm cloud I didn’t see coming.

I stare blankly up at him, shaking my head. “Kieran?”

“Gage Russell,” he snaps. “This is one crazy plan you don’t get to make without my say-so. You’re not throwing away your future like this.”

“But—but I’m not. I want to do this. I thought…” I trail off, blinking up at him in confusion as the heartache wakes up from its brief slumber, crawling to the back of my throat again.

I thought he’d see this the same way I do: as the best way of securing our future. I thought it was a shared vision, too—it’s the only future I’ve been able to envision since I arrived here. Not a future for him, but for us.

I thought he’d be happy.I thought… I thought he loved me, too.

“I told you before,” Kieran snaps at me as he strides to the front door and jams his shoes back on. “Bloody hell, Gage. If you expect me to believe it, you’ve got to learn to ask properly.”

My jaw hanging open, I stare at his retreating back as he pulls open the door and rushes out through it. It slams shut behind him, and then I’m left with the fading echo of his footsteps on the porch stairs.

Then, I’m left alone in the silence.

What the hell went wrong?

For a moment, I thought I was going to get all the answers. I didn’t expect to be left with far more questions.

Isn’t it enough that I love him? Doesn’t he love me back? I thought… I thought for sure he does. Have I been even more of a naive fool than I thought?

“Jesus,” I breathe out, leaning over to the end table nearest me. I pull open the little drawer to fish out the pocket knife that fits perfectly in my palm. Then, I balance the delicate ring of apple wood in my palm.

I’ve been whittling this in secret over the last few days, stealing the moments I can during breaks and while Kieran’s at work. I didn’t know if it would be an engagement ring, or a this totally isn’t an engagement ring because it’s too soon but it’s a promise that I want to get engaged to you ring.

But I wanted to finish it by tomorrow, and now… I don’t know if there’s any point. I sigh, weighing it up in my palm as I stare down at it.

“Maybe I should have led with this.”

What the hell am I going to do?