Chapter 7

7

T he incessant pounding on the hotel door cut through the alcohol-induced sleep. For the last two nights I'd slept without a single nightmare due to the amount of Jack Daniel's I'd consumed.

This was better.

Easier.

As long as I kept drinking, I could stay numb. It was when I'd started to sober in the slightest the most horrific memories of Delaney assaulted me and I wanted to yank my hair out.

I couldn't get her pained expression out of my head. Her cold eyes full of despair looking at me, as she told me we'd lost our baby.

The banging continued and I had no choice but to get up and tell whoever was out there to go the fuck away before my head exploded.

"What?" I threw open the door and my dad scowled at me.

"You look like shit, boy," he growled and shoved me in the room.

Goddamn, I didn't need this.

"Don't need this, Dad."

He looked around the room, his lip curling in disgust.

My gaze followed and I winced. Two empty bottles of Jack, one on the weathered nightstand that should've been tossed out and replaced a decade ago, the other tipped on its side on a small table under the window. A messy bed with dingy, threadbare sheets that definitely should've been trashed more than a decade ago and they were tangled with the ugliest, flower pattern comforter I'd ever seen. Dirty clothes on the nasty carpet complete with my wet towel from last night's shower.

The place was a shithole. It was perfect. The décor matched how I felt. Ugly, dirty, worn-out, and nasty.

Fuck.

"What don't you need?"

"This. You coming here to give me shit. How'd you find me anyway?" I snapped.

"Wouldn't be very good at my job if I couldn't even find my son, holed up in a motel less than twenty miles from my house." My dad's eyes slid to mine and I flinched. Disappointment and the desire to kick my ass. Great. "How bad did you fuck up?"

"What?"

"Did you bring a woman back here or was this a pity party for one?" he explained.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously, Carter." He looked around the room again then back to me. "This place smells like shit, looks like shit, and you look worse. You've drank yourself stupid, so how far'd you let that stupid go?"

"Not that it fucking matters but I didn't bring a woman here."

"It doesn't matter? Three days ago you were all fired up to go find Delaney. Wouldn't shut your mouth until you wore your brother down and he told you where she went. Now it doesn't matter?"

"Nope."

"You care to elaborate on that?"

"Not even a little bit." My dad's gaze didn't leave mine and the acid in my veins made itself known. "'Preciate what you're trying to do, but it's none of your business."

"I see I failed you." Some of the anger slid from my father's eyes. "Shoulda talked to you when you started that shit with her. Shoulda told you it didn't end well. That's my fault. I fucked up with your mom and you and Delaney—history repeating itself." He looked at his feet and shook his head. "Your mom told me to talk to you. I told her you'd sort yourself out. I left you to it, because I knew what you were feeling. Loving someone so perfect, so young, not wanting to hold her back, wanting to protect her from the dangers of your job, prevent her from mourning the loss of you. A love so powerful you'd live in hell, so she could move on and be happy."

My chest was pounding from the beat of my heart and my breaths were coming out in pants. I knew what it took out of my dad to talk about what he'd done to my mom. I always hated hearing their story, it was not a beautiful fairy tale. My dad had shredded my mom and himself.

"I was wrong. Worst mistake I ever made. Then I got her back. After twelve years. Twelve-fucking-years of watching her go to a grave she thought was mine. Listening to her talk to a dead man, still loving him, still mourning him. I let her do that. I watched it break her and I did nothing. Until I couldn't do it anymore. I got her back, and I had heaven in my hands. Beauty like you wouldn't believe. I ever tell you what made her leave me?"

I thought back and never remembered either of them mentioning Mom leaving him. The story went, he had to grab her before a seriously fucked-up former team member of my dad's unit got to her and used her as revenge. Nowhere in the story did anyone mention Mom leaving him.

"No," I answered.

"Spent a week with your mom in Big Bear. Didn't think it was possible but I fell more in love with her. Damn, boy, she was everything I ever wanted and she was in my arms. And every night I laid awake and fear choked me. All I wanted was for her to be safe. When it was time for me to leave and go hunt down the fucker who was threatening her, I told her I didn't love her. Told her I just needed to work her out and she was no longer under my skin. I told her she was nothing more than a piece of ass, in the long line of women I'd had over the years."

"What the fuck?" I seethed. "You said that shit to my mother?"

"Told her to forget about me even when she stood feet from me, tears rolling down her beautiful face. But I couldn't see her. Fear had taken root and I needed to set her free. I was scared, I was a coward, and I was stupid. I turned my back on the only woman I'd ever loved. And know this, Carter, there may've been other women in my bed, I was no saint, but I've never loved another woman. I've loved your mom since I was a teenager. Never felt anything for anyone except her. And I pushed her away. I turned my back on her and left. What makes that worse, that week, we made you. I left her carrying my child and the next day she was kidnapped and I wasn't there to protect either of you. We found your mom. I begged. And, boy, when I say begged, I pleaded my case at her feet and she turned me out and walked away. Your uncle Jasper knew she was pregnant, rightfully kept it from me so I could sort my head. When I found her she was in Myrtle Beach, very pregnant with you."

Sometime during my dad's speech my body went solid, then I felt sick, and finally I stumbled back, unable to stay upright. My ass hit the ugly-assed dresser and the TV wobbled from the force in which I hit it.

Fuck.

"What are you going to do about Delaney?" he asked after a spell.

"Nothing."

"Say again?"

"Nothing to do. It's too late."

"What the fuck, Carter? Did you not listen to a goddamn thing I just told you? Did you hear me when I said it was the worst mistake of my life?"

"I heard every word, felt them down to my soul. But my story. Delaney and mine, it doesn't end like yours and Mom's."

"It can. Stop acting like a fool and you can hold heaven in your hands for the rest of your life."

My eyes shot to my dad's and all the venom swirling in my stomach rushed up and I couldn't hold it back. It scorched a path begging to get out. So much fire it burned my throat.

"I don't get to have what you and Mom have!" I shouted. " We don't get that."

"You could if—"

"I can't. You don't get it. There's no happy-fucking-ending for us."

"Carter—"

"It's dead. My baby, it's dead, Dad. Gone."

"Come again?"

My dad's eyes widened in shock, and maybe I should've found a better way to tell him his grandchild would never be born but I didn't have it in me. I had nothing left. All I wanted was to be left alone with my alcohol. I didn't want to feel this—the loss of my whole world. My baby and Delaney were gone and I had nothing that was worth a shit.

"She was pregnant when Derek Lowe took her."

"Good God," my dad whispered.

"Pregnant and alone because I was on the other side of the world. She was taken and our baby was beaten out of her and I wasn't fucking there. Wanna know what I was doing? I was in an Afghani village watching some stupid fucking grunt approaching a woman begging him for help. He didn't see the trap, he wouldn't stop. I had my crosshairs on her forehead, but I hesitated, praying I wouldn't have to shoot a fucking woman holding her baby in the head. That's what I was doing while my woman was getting beaten. I waited too long. The grunt got close and she did it. Took herself out, the soldier, and that baby. I could've saved them from that. All I needed to do was take the shot but I was too much of a pussy. I killed that baby and halfway around the world Derek Lowe killed mine."

"Get that shit outta your head now," my dad demanded. "You didn't kill that baby. And I know what you're thinking but you're wrong. Delaney losing your baby wasn't some cosmic payback. Derek Lowe did that, not you, and not Delaney."

I felt wet brimming in my eyes and I tried but failed to blink it away.

"I'm not good enough for her, Dad. I don't get to hold heaven because I'm destined for hell. The things I've—"

"There's no one better for her."

"I have to let—"

"The fuck you do. Go to her and hold on."

"Christ, Dad! Listen to me. I fucked up. I don't get to hold her—not anymore. I shouldn't've ever touched her in the first place. I've spent years crawling through dirt and shit. I can't get that off of me. None of it, it's stained on my soul. She's clean and beautiful and does not need to take my shit on."

My father stood to his full height, shoulders back, and pinned me with his stare. His face transformed and he was no longer my dad, he was the vicious Special Forces soldier he once was.

"You must've forgotten who you were talking to. So I'll remind you. Much like you, I crawled through that same filth. Unlike you I did it for longer. Straight up, son, I am proud of your service. I'm proud that you answered the call and raised your hand. I'm proud you forged your own path and went into the Navy and earned your Trident. I am proud of you . I know what those hash marks feel like. I know what it does to a man when you have to take a life, any life, even the vilest piece of shit, it still marks you. And as they pile up so does the weight. Unload that shit, son. Shrug it off and free yourself. What you did, the places you've been, the lives you've taken were not only needed but necessary to keep the ones you love at home safe. I got all the love in the world for you. My firstborn, my namesake, your very existence proof of the love your mom and I have. Never been more proud of you. But, man. The fuck. Up."

"What the actual fuck? Man up? What do you think I'm doing? I'm walking away from the woman I love so she can have better."

"No, you're not. You're walking away so you don't have to face tragedy. You're turning your back on the woman you love, the same way I did. You may not have spewed lies and venom like I did when I left your mom. But believe this, you didn't have to. The mere fact you walked away makes it the same."

My dad walked to the door and threw it wide. Jasper, Clark, and Levi all stood outside.

"You see these men." I clenched my jaw wondering how much they heard, especially Delaney's dad, Jasper. "You call them uncles. Do you know why?"

I remained silent in my humiliation.

"Not because I served with them. Not because each of them has saved my life, and I've saved theirs. Not because we share a bond forged by fire and death. These men are your uncles because they called me on my stupidity, and stopped me from making a mistake I could never undo. Your uncles are the reason I hold heaven. They're the reason I wake up every morning with your mother by my side. They're the reason I have you and Ethan. Without them…." Dad trailed off and spied a bottle of Jack, then looked back to me. "This would've been my life. Lonely motel rooms and booze. So when I tell you I'm proud, son, I am so fucking proud of the man you are it fills me with joy. Be that man. Be the man I know you are and get your woman. Fall to your knees and beg and when she turns you out, beg some more. Swallow your pride, your ego, and know when you finally hold her again it's pure beauty, son. Nothing better. But you ain't gonna get it sitting in a motel room drinking because you're too much of a coward to face what's happened. That's not you. You're not that kind of man."

I nodded my head because there was no way I could speak. Now that my dad was done laying me out, his face softened and he continued, "First step, you need to talk to Jasper. He needs to know what happened to Delaney and why she broke. He's been worried sick. After you help him sort his head, I suspect you'll be going after Delaney. Good luck with that. We all have your back."

My dad didn't wait for my reply, he walked out and Jasper walked in, shutting the door behind him. He, too, gazed around the room, giving me the same lip curl as my dad.

Fuck.

"I take it my daughter tore you to pieces," Jasper started.

I sucked in a breath, wishing my dad had left the door open and fresh air was expanding my lungs but instead the stench of whiskey, shitty motel room, and despair filled me.

"She was pregnant when Lowe took her," I told him and watched as my uncle closed his eyes. "What he did to her was too much. She lost our baby. Two days ago when I went to her, she was in front of your beach house crying. I pushed and she told me. She was there, because it was her due date. We should've been holding our baby. Instead she was holding onto more pain and anguish than I've ever seen."

His eyes opened, glossy with grief and loss.

"Fuck!" he roared. "Fuck!"

I waited until his narrowed eyes came back to me and my next statement died on my tongue.

"You gonna fix my girl?"

"Yes."

"See to that, Carter."

He turned, opened the door. It bounced off the wall, then he slammed it behind him.

The walls shook and so did my world.

I needed to find Delaney.