Chapter 6

6

D elaney's breathing evened out and her body relaxed.

She was finally asleep.

Fuck.

Our baby.

I had so many conflicting emotions swirling around fighting to get out, I didn't know what to lock down first.

Acid was coursing through my veins as I tried, then failed to sort through the anger.

Delaney.

Derek Lowe.

God.

I was mad at them all.

I thought back, then, to the weekend before I'd left for deployment. I'd gone to Georgia to see her, we'd spent the better part of two days in her bed. We didn't answer our phones, didn't watch TV. We'd talked, we'd made love, and I'd held her. What we also didn't do was talk about the future or what that looked like for us. I didn't talk to her about where I was going or for how long I'd be gone. But I had demanded she tell me all about her life and what she was doing.

Such a dick.

Then I left, and when I did, I'd left something inside of her so precious, so small, yet so huge and life-changing it was hard to imagine.

Now that was gone.

It would be a long time before I found sleep. Hours lying behind her mourning the loss of a child I'd never hold. Something so sweet. Something Delaney and I had created together.

"What the hell is he doing?"

"Lenox! Take the fucking shot."

"Tell him to get back."

"She's not a threat. She's holding a—"

She damn well was. My gaze zeroed in on the baby in the woman's arms. She was cradling the tiny bundle close to her chest but she was hiding something.

"He needs to get the fuck back."

The baby squirmed, the woman brought the infant higher, no longer concealing the bomb strapped to her front.

I had no choice.

No fucking choice. I had to.

"Take the—"

I pulled the trigger but I was too late.

I closed my eyes against the blast but I knew. I let that innocent baby die .

My eyes flew open, my heart pounding out of my chest.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Sweat dripped down my brow, still caught in a nightmare I couldn't shake.

The reality of what I had done hit me like a brick to the face, what my indecision had caused and I rolled away from Delaney.

My mind cast back to the firefight. Then it went to the last message I'd received from my dad. An email that had been written and sent while I'd allowed a woman to use an infant as a human shield and I'd been too much of a coward to kill her. My hesitation costing that baby its life.

I had no business touching Delaney.

I'd killed that baby and thousands of miles away that same day mine was taken from me.

An eye for an eye.

One baby for another. Two innocent lives lost because I didn't take the shot.

Delaney had needed me. But instead she was alone. Unprotected.

You weren't there. And I wasn't. She was right, I'd left her alone carrying my baby.

She deserved better. Always had. But now I knew deep in my soul what I had done had indeed taken something from her so special she'd never forgive me.

She was clean and beautiful and so damn sweet. The blood and filth on my hands should've never touched her smooth, perfect skin. I had to put an end to the madness. I'd loved her my whole life. Couldn't remember a time I didn't. But this had to end, I'd live the rest of my life in misery as long as she lived surrounded with the beauty I knew she deserved.

I was not the man for her.

I couldn't be.

She could never know it was because of me, she'd lost our baby.

Before I could think about what I was doing I rolled out of bed, and headed for the door, not allowing myself to look at her. I couldn't.

I always knew I'd hurt her. But I was so fucking weak, I always went back. Always demanding everything from her. Giving her nothing in return because I was a selfish prick.

The drive back to Georgia was done in a daze. I couldn't get the look of devastation on Delaney's face out of my head. I couldn't stop thinking about all the emails that had been exchanged and she hadn't told me she'd even thought she could be pregnant, and she certainly hadn't told me she'd taken a test at home or that she was going to the doctor.

She'd kept it a secret.

She'd kept the knowledge I was going to be a dad from me.

Fuck!

I pulled into a liquor store, grabbed a bottle of Jack, and checked into a shitbag motel just outside of town.

Not only was I a dumbfuck for thinking I could be the man Delaney needed, I'd finally succeeded in crushing her.

Her pain was so stark, so real, I knew I'd never repair the damage I'd done. I deserved this, to be alone, due penance for all of the times I'd left her.

I'd never be the same. We'd never be the same.