Chapter Eighteen

H ours at the batting cage and team practice loosened every muscle in his overstressed and sex-starved body. On his way to his car, Reynolds couldn’t wait to get home, take a shower, eat, and fall asleep to fantasize about Susan.

Maybe soon they could agree to more than quick hugs, fist bumps, and cheek kisses.

He waved to Lucy and Thomas as they drove out of the lot, but then Peter called out, stopping him before he reached his car. “Hey, Reynolds! Can I talk to you for a second?”

That simple question led to a half-hour conversation, sending Reynolds home in a much different mood than he was when he finished his last pitch.

Guilt hung heavy in his heart along with a lot of questions for one afternoon. Questions he’d ignored for too long.

“How was practice?” With her bare feet kicked up on the armrest of the couch, Susan laid a book on her lap.

Audrey played in her bouncy chair, the rattles near her feet.

Nanny cat Odin sat next to his ward, a look of indifference on his face even though the feline had yet to let the baby out of his sight since she came home.

Then Audrey kicked just right, sending the rattles into a spin. Her eyes widened and her breathing increased, as if to say, Did you see that?

Unimpressed, Odin yawned, showing off his now three teeth before flopping down, turning on his back, and extending a paw to rest on Audrey’s chair.

Reynolds laughed at Audrey’s exuberance. “Exhausting, but productive. Lucy’s happy with the team.”

“She’s all about beating the ICU tomorrow.” Susan closed the book and swung her lean legs over, feet to the floor. Her newly painted red toenails were a complement to her perfect feet. “You’ve got to be starving. There’s food in the refrigerator if you’re hungry. Glad to warm something up for you.”

How naturally she said it all. Like him walking in the front door was a routine they’d done for years instead of weeks.

“Always taking care of everyone else, aren’t you?” Her brother’s words circled in his brain on the drive home. He explained to Reynolds how Susan always put the needs of others before her own.

Like forfeiting a biological child so I could become a father. That last one made him question everything between them.

Concern creased her brow. “Peter said something to you.”

The open windows allowed the evening breeze to wander in, bringing the crisp smell of summer to the house.

Audrey looked up at him, smiled, and tightened her stomach before cringing.

Reynolds wondered what that meant. “He did.”

She rolled her eyes. “What did he say?”

“I need to take a shower first.”

“Well, I can’t help you with that.” Her foot tapped a steady beat on the hardwood while a few kids rode by on their bikes.

“Bummer.”

“Tease.”

Audrey’s diaper made disgustingly interesting noises.

“She okay?”

Rubbing the bridge of her nose, Susan exhaled as if she were resigned to the inevitable. “She’s been doing that most of the afternoon. I anticipate a Mount Vesuvius–level event any second now.”

“I’ll be right back to help.”

Right then, Audrey’s pants rivaled the brass section of a Sousa march. The baby’s eyes widened as if she had no idea where the noises came from.

Reynolds made no effort to restrain his amusement. “That was frightening.”

“I think it’s this new formula.”

“I wouldn’t give her more right now. I’ll make it quick.”

Susan teased, “Liar. You’re running for the boats.”

“You caught me.” He waited until he rounded the corner before stripping off his shirt and showering in record time.

Still, he wasn’t fast enough, because by the time he returned, he found a minimally clothed Susan in the shower, hosing off a poop-covered Audrey.

The stench in the room slammed into his face as he approached. “Good God. How are you breathing right now?”

Without losing a beat, Susan answered, “Intermittently.”

He chuckled at her quick wit, something he’d come to appreciate. And love.

The baby’s soiled clothes and bouncy seat cover rested on a towel in the sink. An odor-neutralizing candle burned on the counter. “We might need a few more of those.”

Without an ounce of stress, Susan worked. “She exploded within a minute after you left.”

“I didn’t know that much stuff could come out of a baby at one time.” He flipped on the exhaust fan and prayed for that smell to get out of his nostrils before Labor Day.

“It’s amazing what babies can do.” The fluidity of Susan’s movements was a sight to behold. How she soaped and rinsed the infant from top to toes without grimacing once about the literal shit she had to deal with. “She’s got it everywhere. Even under her arms. Around her neck. Behind her ears.”

Audrey smiled and chewed on her hand.

He chuckled. “She’s like a live-action Jackson Pollack painting. How can I help?”

“Hold her up, let me get some oatmeal wash on her. Afterward, you can burn that.”

“That can be arranged.” He knelt by the shower door, holding his daughter by the waist. “What in the world did you do?”

Audrey babbled, completely unimpressed that she might have invented a new form of chemical warfare.

Susan grabbed the shower wand. “Get you soaped up, then rinsed off.”

Their double team effort produced a squeaky clean and poop-free baby. Once again, Audrey smelled as fresh as clean sheets and oatmeal while she told them all about it.

“Can you dry and dress her while I fumigate the tub and shower?” Susan poured a bit of cleanser in before using a long-handled scrub brush.

The lemon-scented disinfectant momentarily overwhelmed the smell of the destroyed items in the sink.

“Glad to.” He swaddled Audrey, but before leaving, Peter’s valid points ticker-taped through Reynolds’s brain. As intrusive as Peter’s concerns were, the same concerns crossed Reynolds’s mind more than once.

Weeks ago, she avoided giving him a straight answer about having a bio baby. Now he needed to understand why Susan willingly gave that up.

The last thing he wanted was a woman who said she wanted to be a mom on paper, but then bail when the opportunity to live her dream crossed her path.

Like his mother did.

Lingering by the door instead of taking Audrey to her room, Reynolds cleared his throat.

Susan sprayed down the bath and her legs before she noticed him. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Thanks for doing all that.” She turned off the water and dried her hands. The front of her clothes was completely soaked, but she wrapped a towel around her. “I’ll take a shower after we get her situated.”

The room smelled 1,000 percent better than when he walked in, but Susan always made everything around her better. Shinier. Healthier. Incredible.

But he wouldn’t let her make things better for the sake of it, his dreams at the sacrifice of her own. They were too far along in this process to avoid the conversation anymore. “Peter and I talked—”

Her jovial mood went sour. “Let me guess. He’s convinced I’m obligated to stay with you for our practical arrangement. I won’t find someone I want to have sex with and make a baby. Does that sum it up?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“I wish my brother would just respect my choices like I’ve respected his.” Susan handed Audrey a plastic duck before motioning them to walk out. “If you’re wondering, yes, I want to have sex with you. I’ve made that abundantly clear.”

“You have, but he has a point.” He followed with a towel-wrapped Audrey in his arms.

“He has no point. Peter doesn’t know jack shit about what or who I want, because he’s convinced he’s right.”

“What and who do you want, Susan?”

“I want you! I want you in every room of this house in the naughtiest ways possible. I want to taste you so badly that I think about it constantly. I want to husband you so hard, your knees give out.” Her cheeks flushed. “I never meant to admit that out loud, but now you know.”

“Holy shit. That was intense.” Her honest statement rendered him speechless. He didn’t know what to do. What he did know was he hoped Audrey fell asleep as soon as possible so they could discuss this further, because he wanted to understand what her version of husbanding him to the point of knee-buckling meant.

“Reynolds, believe me when I say I’m happy with our arrangement. I am. Trust me, I would never agree to any of this if I didn’t believe it to be a good thing. I certainly wouldn’t have married you, even only on paper, if it wasn’t the right thing for me. For us.”

Although he wasn’t completely assured that was her only reason, he was convinced that Audrey just peed on him. “Seriously, kid?”

Her blue bright eyes indicated she was not at all serious.

Susan yanked the drawer so hard that she almost pulled it out of the dresser. “You have to decide who you trust more in this situation. Me or him.”

Reynolds placed Audrey on the changing table and double-checked his shirt. “Yep, nice, warm, and wet. Great.”

Dabbing his clothes with a clean burp cloth, he answered, “I trust you, Susan, but I worry that as fast as this all happened, it could cloud practical choices about any future babies.” He quickly applied a diaper before Audrey made a mess of the changing table.

“What do you mean?”

Not have biological children was a logical decision for him, but there were plenty of days he wished he never had to make it. That genetics were more forgiving, but he didn’t regret where he stood now. “I don’t see me adopting again. This process is exhausting. Maybe after a person adopts once, the state gives them more consideration for future placements, but as far as I can see it, this is it for me.”

“I haven’t even been at it as long as you. I can only imagine how long this journey has been.” Holding a clean onesie in her hand, Susan began to reach for Audrey.

“Why do you want to give up the chance to have your baby? Don’t you want one?”

“If this goes through, Audrey would be my baby. Our baby.” Her hands trembled while trying to unsnap the onesie.

“Susan, please.”

“What? It’s not the same? Is that what you’re saying?” She threw the clothes at him and backed away. “Why can’t adoption be enough? Why do I have to get pregnant to be a real mother? Why does only birthing a child make me a true woman? A complete woman? When a man says he wants to be any kind of dad, the entire world swoons.”

“I never said anything like that.”

“But you’re thinking it. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t keep asking me about it. Questioning my decision.”

That, he couldn’t deny. “I’ve upset you, but please hear what I’m saying. My mom loved being a parent on paper. She got swept up in it, but when it wasn’t fun anymore, she didn’t follow through. She didn’t even bother to stick around. She ran after what she wanted, and my father followed her like a puppy. They left me to take care of Nate and Audrey.”

“And my mom checked out the moment my father died. We’ve talked about this. We’re choosing not to be our parents and I would never leave you.”

The intensity of her response confusingly comforted him. “We are deciding something different, but why won’t you answer my question?”

“Why can’t I be allowed to enjoy this opportunity to adopt her and that be it? Why can’t that be enough?”

With them being halfway through the waiting period, he couldn’t ignore difficult conversations anymore. Their future depended on transparency. “Susan, I want to, but you’re not giving me much to understand. I told you exactly why I chose adoption.”

“And I told you about my friend Chloe. How I’ve wanted to adopt for years.”

“Yes, it was a reason you want to adopt, but it doesn’t explain the other.”

When she made a sound like words lodged in her throat, Reynolds knew he struck a nerve. “You say you’re good with all of it but won’t tell me why.”

“But I—”

“There’s more than what you’re telling me. I can see it in your eyes. I’m sorry if it’s difficult to discuss, but we have to work through this before October.”

“Why can’t you simply trust me, Reynolds?”

“Why can’t you simply trust me? What can be so complicated that you think it’s not worth saying?” he snapped.

If he’d slapped her, she would have looked less wounded.

Then it dawned on him.

This wasn’t only pain. This was grief. Broken. “Susan, I—”

Without another word, she backed out of the room and disappeared behind her door.