Chapter Seventeen

S usan slowly stirred her untouched coffee for the tenth time. “I’m seriously freaking out here.”

“It’s about damned time.” That all-knowing smirk of her brother’s, spread across his face.

“Stop it, Peter. Reynolds wants a happily-ever-after kind of family. What am I supposed to do with that?”

After Lori’s goodbyes and encouraging them to have a night out, maybe alone time, Reynolds excused himself for a much-needed nap.

For an hour, Susan attempted to calm five-weeks of pent-up nerves by staying busy, but decided a walk outside would do the trick. She strapped Audrey to her chest and powerwalked down the street and ended up at Lucy’s house.

When Susan arrived, Peter and Edmund were loading up the equipment. As much as Susan didn’t want her brothers involved, her concerns poured out anyway.

“Like a real marriage, happily-ever-after kind of forever family?” Peter’s face scrunched up like it did when something confused the shit out of him. “And you’re freaking out? Most people would be thrilled to hear this.”

“You think I don’t know that, Peter?” Susan abandoned her coffee to search Lucy’s cabinets. “Do you have any brandy? Or tequila? Or arsenic?”

Edmund played peekaboo with Audrey. “I guess that answers my question about if you two are having sex yet.”

“We aren’t having sex.” Not the traditional kind. But damn she wanted to.

Five weeks ago, his gallant confession about his attraction to her practically incinerated all her panties, if she’d been wearing any. Made her want him even more. Until then, she didn’t think her craving for him could get more intense. At this rate, she’d run out of batteries before the end of the summer.

“Okay, explain to me again, why aren’t you having sex?” Lucy cocked her head.

Turning to face her three wide-eyed siblings, she immediately regretted admitting her situation. “I told all of you. This is a practical…”

“Logical. Responsible,” they answered in unison.

“What’s logical or practical about sex?” Edmund laughed as he made a face at Audrey. “It’s passionate and unhinged at times. Nothing rational about it. That’s why it’s fun. Irrational. Crazy. And sometimes outside.”

“Outside? That’s specific.”

“Why do you think I own property outside of town?”

“Are you serious?” Susan laughed despite her nuclear stress levels.

Audrey kicked her feet at her uncle’s enthusiastic commentary as Lucy sat back in her chair and crossed her arms, her mouth pursed in thought.

“Do you have any alcohol?” Susan hoped to numb her panic before it became all-consuming.

After three failed engagements, Susan accepted the white-picket-fence fairy-tale ending wouldn’t happen for her, but then Reynolds showed up and complicated everything.

Now she feared losing it all, and that idea hurt worse than breaking all three engagements combined.

Lucy pointed to the far cabinet. “You do everything with a purpose. We should trust that. Right, guys?”

Peter laced up his sneakers, his jaw set in annoyance. “Susan, I’m worried about you.”

“Why?” But she honestly wasn’t interested in his answer.

“You and Reynolds did this all backward.”

“Don’t I know it.”

“I mean, you have Audrey and she’s wonderful.” He waved to his niece, and she babbled something important.

“But?”

“You always wanted a big family.”

Oh, I do not like where he’s going with this. “And?”

His lips thinned, and he exhaled as if he didn’t want to say it. “Is only having her going to be enough?”

“Yes.”

“Why do you have to stir the pot, Pete?” Edmund rolled his eyes.

Throwing his hands up in frustration, Peter continued. “It’s a fair question. Susan, I love that you’re happy. I love seeing you three together, but is that enough? Don’t you want a baby of your own?”

“Audrey is my own.” At least right now she is.

“You know what I mean, Susan. I respect his choice to adopt, considering his genetics—”

Susan’s insides clenched. “Wait. How do you know about his genetics?”

“He brought it up. We talked about it at work the other night when it was slow.”

“I could strangle you right now.” Susan found a small bottle of Kahlua. She unscrewed the top and debated on whether to add it to her coffee, drink it from the bottle, or inject it straight into her veins. She chose the coffee to see where it led from there.

“You respect his genetics, but not my decision, my choice not to get pregnant?” I should have just injected it into my carotid.

“You’re my sister. It’s different.” Peter zipped up his gym bag with enough force that it pinched his finger. “Dammit.”

Lucy didn’t miss a beat. “Band-Aids. Third drawer left of the sink.”

Susan fumed at her brother’s response. “Please explain yourself, because there always seems to be an entirely different set of rules for me than there is for the three of you.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Edmund put up his hands. “Don’t get mad at me. I think Audrey’s great. I like Reynolds. Nate takes some getting used to, but Jade has a piece-of-shit brother. In comparison, Nate’s not bad.”

“That’s putting it mildly.” Lucy raised her eyebrows at the mention of Jade’s brother, Junior, who presently served time for grand theft auto and manslaughter.

After he stole a high-end BMW a few Labor Days ago, he decided to test its top speed but ended up plowing into the back of a car parked by the side of the road.

He instantly killed a well-loved local, Harry Monroe. Then Junior hid the car on Jade’s property until she discovered it and turned him in.

“I am so glad he’s locked up, Edmund.” Susan checked the bottle for how much was in it and if it would be enough to help her forget this conversation. “When I heard about the hell he gave you and Jade before they arrested him, I was worried sick.”

“Don’t worry now. He’s not getting out in this lifetime.” Edmund started a game of patty-cake with Audrey consisting of him doing pretty much all the work and her drooling on herself.

She squealed in delight.

Even with the joyous baby noises, Peter scowled like he sucked a super-tart lemon. “Susan, I love what you’re doing for this girl’s baby.”

“Her name is Audrey and she’s mine. Ours.” After I empty this bottle of Kahlua, I’m going to smash it over his head.

“Fine. Whatever you want to call it.”

“It’s called foster/adoption. Or designated custody. If you’re going to shit all over my life choices, have the respect to shit all over the correct terminology.” Her fury shook down to her fingertips and Peter’s thick arrogance only antagonized it.

He put his hands up in surrender. “Hear me out. I’m concerned that if this doesn’t pan out, you’re going to be heartbroken. I don’t want that for you. Again.”

For a moment, a sliver of sanity took hold. “Neither do I.”

Lucy braced her hands on her thighs. “Switching gears, I’m more concerned that the father hasn’t signed off than I am about this happily ever after possibility. Is there no one who can find this guy? Make sure he relinquishes?”

“Lori came by this morning. She’s doing the best she can. Believe me, Lucy, I stare at the calendar all the time. I’m afraid to plan anything past the first week of October because I don’t want to raise our hopes.” She added a few drops of Kahlua to her coffee. Then added a few more.

Peter slapped a Band-Aid on his wounded finger. “We all deserve to find someone special. I do hope this works out for all of you.”

His dry compassion derailed her frustration. Even with all the chaos they navigated, when it came down to it, they all looked out for each other. Wanted each other to be happy.

“But, Susan—”

“Please stop. How I find my happy is none of your business. It’s my choice to be with someone who does not want a biological child.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“If it does work and you adopt her, wonderful. I will love her, but you’re stuck in this practical situation. What happens in five or ten years when you wish you had another baby? Or find else someone you don’t want to be so practical with—”

Her stomach twisted. When Reynolds told her he never planned to have a bio child, she tucked away her infertility situation, never planning to tell him or anyone, because it wouldn’t change anything.

But the more Peter pushed, the closer to the edge of confession Susan inched. “I’m not stuck in any situation, Peter.”

“Not having sex with the man you’re raising a child with is a practical long-term situation, then?”

“We will have sex. We’re on our timeline.” Her hands shook so much, she didn’t trust herself to pick up her mug without spilling it.

“As tightly wound as you are, I think it might be time to have sex with your husband.”

“I think it’s nice you’ve waited this long, but yeah. Y’all need to get nuts.” Edmund placed his gym bag by the front door with the softball equipment.

“Thank you for your compliment and encouragement, Edmund.” And yeah. The first chance I get to taste him, I’m gonna make his knees buckle.

Thinking about their one slip up had her panting at the idea of it happening again. And again. She added more Kahlua to her untouched coffee.

Lucy’s phone beeped and she sent a quick text. “I hope the best thing possible happens.”

Her two younger siblings’ input helped alleviate some of the tension in the room, until she glanced over, and her body immediately stiffened. “What?”

Peter’s lips thinned like they did when he struggled to hold in a strong retort, but certainly wouldn’t. “It’s reasonable to wait until you’re ready, considering the circumstances, but when you find someone else who you can have a baby with—”

All she saw was red. “If you don’t want to support me, that’s fine, Peter. Despite the fact, I’ve supported you about a thousand times over. No questions asked. Even when you discovered you had kids you never knew about.”

“Come on. This is different. So far out of your normal.”

“Of course, it’s different for me . It’s because I’m not the same normal as all of you. As everyone else. Right?” No truer words had been spoken.

“That’s not what I said.”

“It kind of sounds like you did.” Edmund shrugged.

“Whose side are you on?”

Audrey kicked her feet several times before interesting noises began emanating from her.

“That can’t be good.” Lucy leaned away.

“I’m on the side of whoever doesn’t have to take care of whatever is heading for that diaper today.” Edmund scooted his chair back more than an arm’s length.

Peter scooped up a wayward softball and dumped it into the equipment bag. “We still need to talk about this.”

“No, we don’t.” Taking a long drink of her cold, spiked coffee, Susan cringed.

With a hard jerk, Peter zipped the bag closed, this time, avoiding injuring himself. “For someone who’s always thinking ahead, you’re not being very practical or logical or responsible about this.”

That’s. It! Susan slammed the pantry door so hard, it popped right back open. “Right, because I always have to be the practical one. The one who never gets to cut loose or go off the rails or do something for no other reason than she simply wants to. Everyone else needs me to be a constant so everyone else gets to do whatever they want.”

“What the hell is going on with you? Ever since you got here, you’ve acted weird.”

“I don’t have to explain anything to you, Peter! You’re not my father.” Angry tears ran down her face. She hated that an accident so long ago kept taking things away from their family. That one cruel act hurt so many for so long.

“Give it a rest, guys.” Lucy stood between them, something she never needed to do before. She pointed to her brothers. “You two are going to miss your batting practice times. Thomas and Reynolds will meet you there. I need a strong stand against the ICU tomorrow.”

Red-faced, Peter left without another word, and Edmund tapped Audrey’s foot as he prepared to leave. “Bye, cutie. Remember, I’m your favorite uncle.”

The baby cooed, then farted.

“Good luck with that.” Edmund made a quick exit.

Susan’s entire body trembled with anger.

How dare he decide anything for my life!

Now he’s concerned?

Where was he when I needed help?

When we needed help?

“Sit.” Lucy pointed to a chair.

More tears pricked at the backs of her eyelids, but Susan couldn’t lose it here. As the truth of her secret bubbled to the surface, for the first time in her life, Susan didn’t want to confide in her siblings.

She wanted to confess the entire awful truth to only one person. And he wasn’t here.

If she gained the courage to confess it all, she risked losing everything. She simply couldn’t stand another soul-crushing failure, but she had to tell him. Soon.

“Susan?” Lucy’s gentle voice pulled Susan away from mainlining her disgusting coffee.

With her heart pounding in her throat, Susan rubbed her hands on her thighs. “Sorry, I yelled like that.”

“Don’t be. You’re long overdue for an outburst, and Peter’s sticking his nose where he shouldn’t.” Lucy poured out the contents of the mug.

The words sat on the tip of her tongue, but Susan did what she’d done since the day their lives shifted sideways. She deflected to make it easier for everyone else. “I’m sure you’re confused about all this.”

“That’s putting it mildly. I mean, out of the four of us, you were the least likely to make a decision this… this—”

“Irrational?” Susan hissed as she locked her tears up.

“I was going to say impetuous, but yes, irrational might be a better fit.”

As hard as Lucy’s honesty hit, Susan admitted this decision was irrational. Impetuous. And possibly irresponsible, but Susan made a promise to Reynolds and sweet Audrey.

An opportunity like this would be next to zero and the man deserved to be a father. “Reynolds and I, we have a plan.”

“Of course you do. When have you never had a plan?” Her phone buzzed and she quickly answered a text.

In fact, co-parenting with a smart, compassionate, sexy-as-hell man who kept invading her dreams and shower time was damned near close to a perfect plan as Susan would ever hope to find. “We’ll officially adopt her and, at that point, reevaluate.”

“Reevaluate what? Having sex with each other?” Despite her holding her mug in front of her mouth, Lucy’s smile could be seen to her irises.

Why Susan ever tried to put up a front when it came to her sister, she had no clue. “I’ve always done the right thing, the logical, practical, responsible thing.”

Lucy nodded. “Far more than should ever have been expected of you.”

“It’s what was needed at the time.”

“No. You gave up your entire childhood. Every teenage milestone, a normal social life, everything to make sure Edmund, Mom, Peter, and I were taken care of.”

“Lucy, I didn’t—”

“Let me finish.” Lucy did not attempt to hide her emotions. “Mom dumped way more on you than she should have. You gave up too much to parent all of us. To support us. I don’t think Peter understands the extent of it because he was at college a couple of years after the accident.”

“He did get a part-time job to help, but once he turned eighteen, some of our benefits went away.”

“You stayed up late every month to fill out all the paperwork so we could keep what benefits we had.”

“You knew about that?”

“Yes. I know you talked to our teachers each week, that you quietly signed us up for free meals at school.” Lucy swallowed hard. “That you gave up the chance to go to medical school.”

Lucy’s statement hit Susan harder than if her sister punched her in the stomach. “How did you know about that?”

Audrey yawned, tightened her belly, and passed gas multiple times. Susan cringed at the disaster that was soon to come.

Like the disaster of not confessing everything?

Of keeping all these secrets?

Of fighting with your brother over twenty-year-old trauma?

Lucy tapped her sister’s hand. “You left an acceptance letter out on the counter one time. There had to be more.”

She could deny it, but Lucy would call her out. “Yes, there were several more.”

“What was your MCAT score?”

Pressing her fingers to her forehead, Susan whispered, “Thirty-five.”

“You scored higher than all of us and you didn’t go? Why?”

“I only applied to see if I had what it took to get in. And as much as I wanted to go, nursing secured a high-paying, local job much faster.”

Lucy rubbed her stomach as if the conversation hurt. “The only reason none of us fell off the deep end was because of your extreme discipline and constant sacrifices.”

“It’s what needed to be done—”

“Stop. You did way more than what was needed.” Taking her sister’s hand, Lucy continued, “I don’t know what you’re doing right now, but what I do know is when you look at him, your eyes light up like the Fourth of July. I’ve never seen you so happy. Not with anyone.”

“He’s certainly something.” He’s everything.

“And the way he looks at you. His gaze could melt icebergs. He’s seriously hooked.”

Heat flushed across her body, and she giggled. “He’s pretty hot.”

“If this illogical or impractical situation makes you so over-the-moon stupidly happy then I— we will support you, one hundred percent. You’ve earned a bit of untapped pandemonium.” Lucy pulled Susan into her arms and hugged her tight.

Her sister’s kindhearted encouragement punched a hole in Susan’s armor. Tears of pain and sadness freely flowed. “When did you get so grown up?”

“It happens to all of us eventually.” Giving her sister a sweet smile, Lucy added, “Maybe, one day, you’ll feel comfortable enough to tell me why you needed to cancel your weddings. Walk away from him, any of them, so quickly.”

“Perhaps.” The muscles in Susan’s neck untangled with Lucy’s unpressured request.

Outside the kitchen window, a pine tree’s branches of rich green needles momentarily hid a cute black, brown, and white bird. It sang for a few seconds before flying away.

“I am worried about you.”

And I thought we were doing so well. “Don’t start.”

“There’s more to you being here than you’re confessing, and it’s eating you up inside.”

Shaking her head, Susan refused to have this conversation. Not here. Not now. If she said it out loud, it cemented in. Made it all true. “It doesn’t matter what it is. Talking about it won’t change anything.”

“I disagree.”

Jumping to her feet, Susan put some space between them. “Fine. Disagree. But I’m not going to talk to you, any of you, about it.”

Lucy shrugged as if Susan’s curt response hadn’t bothered her. “Then talk to him .”

“Why would I do that? So he can look at me differently? Reject me? Break my heart?” She held back a sob until it hurt. “Lucy, I’ve tried love three times and it’s failed terribly. Crushed me.”

Broke me. After all the words of endearment and love everlasting, the venomous words about something she couldn’t control, couldn’t change, cut her deep.

“You’ve had a rough run of it, but it won’t always fail.” Lucy clasped her hands in front of her. “To be fair, I don’t think any of those situations, those guys were your true love.”

“True love? You sound like Fiona from Shrek .”

“I love Fiona. She has amazing hair.”

Audrey babbled and sucked her on her fingers.

Fatigue soaked into her every pore. “Lucy, I don’t even know what true love is or if I’ll ever find it. I do like what I have with Reynolds right now. If that’s all I get, then it’s enough.” Of course, after this adoption is final, if I don’t get my hands on him, heads are gonna roll.

As she always did, Lucy answered with kind honesty. “The feelings for those other three fiancés are nowhere close to what you have for Reynolds. I can see it in your eyes. This time, it’s so different.”

“I’m always different.” Predictable different. Scary different. Almost perfect different. Absolutely not perfect different. Ruined different.

“No. You’re always amazing.”

Resting her hand on her belly failed to settle her stomach. “Lucy, it hurts so much when it goes wrong.”

Audrey rubbed her eyes and her stomach gurgled.

“But you’re willing to adopt with someone you barely know? I mean, don’t get me wrong, everything I’ve learned about Reynolds is great.” Her phone buzzed. “Come on, guys. Keep it straight. Edmund at first. Reynolds pitches.”

Susan smirked at her sister’s competitiveness. “He’s wonderful and sexy and damned near perfect, but I can’t mess this up. There’s a child to think about. It would be completely irresponsible of me to allow anything to threaten this baby’s chances. Or his opportunity of becoming a father.” Or my opportunity to become a mother.

“I agree, but what if—”

“Lucy, please don’t what if this. I can’t…” I don’t think I can repair my heart again. Suddenly, oxygen wouldn’t effectively enter her lungs.

“Susan, breathe.” Lucy grabbed her sister’s hands, sandwiching them between her own.

“I can’t—” Leaning away, Susan fought not to lose her shit, but Lucy’s grip stayed firm.

“Hear me out. Please.”

Susan didn’t want Lucy’s upbeat rebuttal because it would make complete and unarguable sense. “Fine.”

“What if you allowed all of this to happen just as it should? Without trying to control an ounce of it?”

An incredulous laugh escaped her. “Do you have a brain tumor? Have you met me?”

Putting her hand up in surrender, Lucy cautiously answered. “Listen. To. Me. I’m not telling you to go have sex with Reynolds right now, although, if you did, I would totally understand it.”

“Stop it. You’re making me insane.” And rationalizing my irrational lust.

“But—but wait. What if you decided to let your heart lead this time? For the first time?”

“I’ve loved people before.”

“That’s not what I said. Let your heart lead . Not your brain, where you rationalize your feelings for someone and call it love.”

Susan’s pulse quickened. The sweet suggestion simultaneously thrilled and terrified her. “Lucy, you’re asking way too much of me.”

“Yes, but Susan, you’ve tried for so long to control every single moment of your life. To make sure all of us had a chance. Now it’s your turn.” Lucy wrapped her arms around her sister. “Let your heart take the wheel and let us carry the heavy stuff.”

“What if it’s a disaster?”

“It won’t be.”

“What if you’re wrong?”

“I’m not.”

“What if—” Susan choked back a sob and buried her face in her sister’s auburn hair. “What if I fall in love with him?”

“I think you already have. Stop fighting it. Stop searching for reasons to deny you love him.” Lucy’s calm permeated into Susan’s soul, offering her a moment of much-needed peace. “Trust him. Love him. Let him love you both and allow the good stuff to happen to your sweet little family.”

“None of it makes sense.”

Lucy laughed. “Love never makes sense. I fell in love with Thomas when I stitched up his face. We were up for the same job, and I barely knew him. It didn’t matter. Cupid hit me anyway.”

Nodding against her sister’s shoulder, Susan desperately wanted to be guided by the passion of love rather than by the hard edge of logic. To give up her heartbreak and bad memories. To walk away from everything that screwed her over.

Still, her sister always made things sound really good. And possible. “Why do you make it all sound so perfect, Lucy?”

“Because, Susan… it can be.”