PROLOGUE

Tilly – 19 years old

Curled up on the bathroom floor, I watched as the blood dripped from my nose onto the tiles. As each drop hit the floor of the bathroom, in my head, I was shouting that I had to get up but couldn’t make myself move.

Eventually, the cries of my baby girl cut through the pain, and I dragged myself up, cradling my ribs. When I was stood up, I braved a look in the mirror and saw exactly what I expected to see. Black eyes! I’d known from the first moment he’d hit me that I’d have them. Unrolling the toilet paper and stuffing it against my nose, I slowly shuffled out of the bathroom and to the small bedroom that Ally’s cot was in.

She was screaming blue murder; I knew the noise of him beating on me had disturbed her.

“Shh, shh, baby girl,” I whispered, leaning painfully into the cot and picking her up. I may have been biased, but my Ally was a beautiful baby with long thick dark lashes, black curls, and bright blue eyes. There was nothing of me in my daughter at all. She looked exactly like her father.

Once I got her fed and settled back in her cot, I turned my attention to myself and did what I could to minimise the damage he’d done.

I’d like to say that was the first time he hit me, but it wasn’t, and I knew it probably wouldn’t be the last. The first time had been when we found out that Ally was a girl; he’d seemed furious at the news and blamed me. Not like I had a choice in whether or not we had a boy or a girl.

I’d met Troy Rhodes while I was still seventeen just before my eighteenth birthday. I’d been working in my parents’ paper shop for extra money while I was in college doing a business administration course. He’d come into the shop in his uniform every day and stay chatting for a bit. We lived in a military town, so men in uniform were something I’d grown up with, and it wasn’t unusual for them to leave base and come and buy day-to-day items from us.

About a month after he’d first come in, I’d been chatting to a college friend while serving about my upcoming eighteenth and what we could do for the evening.

All I can think now, as I clean up my face and strap my ribs, is that I’d been so stupid. How hadn’t I realised he’d been listening in? He’d turned up at the pub we’d decided on, and while I’d been surprised to see him, I’d been happy for him to join us. I’d introduced him to all my friends, and even though he was older than us by at least four or five years, we’d had a good time. He’d been the perfect gentleman, making sure we all got home safe; my friends had swooned about how perfect he was.

Before I knew it, we were an item and seeing each other every day. Not a month later, he was asking me to marry him because he was being deployed, and like a fool, I agreed, even though my parents cautioned me to wait until he came back.

Stupid, stupid, stupid me. Why didn’t I listen? Instead, I’d married him and moved into his house. The first six months were okay. We were in the honeymoon phase, and we only had a week or so before he was going to be gone for about six months, maybe longer. In the meantime, I’d finished college and found a job doing some office work.

I’d been so excited to have him home; I’d taken leave for the first week he was back. That’s when the cracks started to appear. He didn’t like me working, even though I’d explained it gave me something to do while he was away. Eventually, he’d berated me so much that I’d handed my notice in. It was like a flip switched, and once I was all his again, he was happy. I didn’t see my parents the whole three months he was home. I did get to meet his father, and I’d be happy if I never had to again. The man frightened the life out of me with how cold he was; he spent the night we were out to dinner staring at me with cold eyes. I’d never been so scared in all my life. His only question to me the whole night was whether or not I was pregnant yet, and he hadn’t been pleased when I’d said no. The look he’d given Troy had shivers running up and down my spine. After that, it seemed Troy never left me alone. It was like after his father had questioned me, he was on a mission to have as much sex as possible. It was a relief when he was deployed again.

He'd been gone about a month or so when I realised that I was pregnant. Once I got it all confirmed and had my first scan, I let Troy know, expecting him to be happy. The first thing he asked me wasn’t if I was okay or if the baby was okay. His first question was when would we know if it was a boy or a girl. When I said not for a little while, he lost interest.

That should have been another clue, but I was young and blind to all the red flags.

On my twenty-week scan, I found out that I was having a little girl, and I was thrilled. I couldn’t wait to tell Troy, thinking he’d be just as excited as me. I’d let my parents know, and they were over the moon for me.

The next time I got to speak to him, I let him know that we were having a girl. At first, I thought he hadn’t heard me, so I’d asked if he had. My nausea rose at his words, and it had nothing to do with pregnancy.

“Troy? Did you hear me? We’re having a beautiful baby girl. Everything’s fine; she’s healthy.”

“I heard you,” he muttered. “Pity it’s a girl. We’ll just have to try again.”

“What!” I’d whispered.

“I need a boy, Tilly. Girls are useless to me.”

With that, he’d finished the call. It was the last I heard from him until after I’d given birth, with only my mum to hold my hand. I brought Ally home, and I’d thought for sure he’d love her once he saw how beautiful she was.

She was a month old by the time he arrived home, and then the pressure started on when we could start trying for another one. When I refused, that’s when the beatings started. About the only good thing I can say is that he never raped me. When I fell pregnant with Jeanie, I knew as soon as I was told she was a girl that he wouldn’t want to know, so I didn’t bother saying anything until he was back again.

As he was away for a full nine months, he missed Jeanie’s birth. Not that I was too bothered about that. My parents figured something was wrong, but as they were both in their seventies and not very well, I didn’t want to burden them with my problems, so I kept quiet until I couldn’t anymore. He hurt me so bad that I had to have medical care because he’d broken my arm. I threatened to report him to his superiors if he came near us again. I demanded a divorce, which he never gave me. The one good thing about him being in the military was that he was deployed for long periods of time. I didn’t even realise it had been nearly two years since I’d last seen him when he turned up wanting to see the girls. Ally, by then, was around six and Jeanie about four.

He promised that he’d changed and that he’d like to try again. He said he’d been to anger management classes; he showed me all the documentation, and like an idiot, I allowed him back into our lives. The girls and I were still living in the same small house Troy and I had bought when we first got married. Except now I had a job and took care of all the bills, so I wasn’t dependent on him anymore.

It didn’t take him long to start moaning about my job, but this time I was older and wiser and not as easily cowed by him and told him I’d be keeping my job. I’d also ensured that I’d got the depo injection, so there was no way I was falling pregnant again, no matter how much he pleaded.

Then he was gone again on another deployment, and I breathed a sigh of relief, wondering if we should leave and find another house. But it was almost as if he forgot us totally for the next few years. And I can’t say that I was unhappy about it. In that time, my parents passed away and left me a bit of money that I tucked away for a rainy day.

It was peaceful living just me and my girls. So peaceful I’d almost forgotten I was married until I got the notification that he’d been killed in action.

I can’t lie; it was like a huge boulder had lifted from my shoulders. It’s also when I realised why we hadn’t seen him for years, when I met the other woman who assumed she was his wife. The shock, horror, and embarrassment on her face when she realised she’d been living a lie had made my heart hurt for her. When I saw her eldest was a boy, it made more sense to me. He’d left us alone because he’d finally had his boy, but their second child looked to be a girl. And it made me wonder what he’d thought of that.

Not that I got a chance to ask her or even find out where she lived because she’d apologised and walked out of there.

I’d tried for months to find out where she’d gone because I was going to give her half of the military payments. Nobody would tell me anything, so I eventually gave up, and we carried on with our lives, although mine was without the stress that had been hanging over my head since the day I’d met Troy.

Little did I know we’d only get a short few years’ reprieve and then the entire trajectory of our lives would change.